I am isolated financially and feel like a failure, affecting all my relationships

[Travisk]

This is really hard to admit and I am ashamed that I can’t seem to get perspective/get a grip. I feel totally isolated socially from a financial perspective.

I grew up around very wealthy families after being at a fee paying school. My parents always had a comfortable life and my sibling has recently married someone and is living in a 600k house and working part time.

In contrast, I’m 3 years older, in a relationship but nowhere near the marriage stage, own a small terrace worth 260 and have around a third of the mortgage left to pay off. I drive a 3 door kia that I’ve had for 10 years and about 10k savings.

I’m not at ALL suggesting I’m poor or hard done by. But I have worked all my life and work for a mid/top range law firm and at 32 im earning 65k, living in midlands. I feel like an embarrassment that I have no nice car and a 2 bed house at this age. The job that I do everyone expects me to have money and nice things and yet I am struggling to fit in with the people I was brought up with and now also my sibling. Even my parents don’t really get it…by my age they were in a beautiful large home both working on and off when it suited.

even colleagues I have little in common with as they seem to have flash cars and expensive handbags. I am not saying I need these things but I feel so left out of my social circle where ever I go!

Old friends, new friends, family…it doesn’t matter, I’m surrounded by money and as a solicitor it is even more embarrassing that I can’t keep up with them. What am I doing wrong?! I feel so shit. I’m aware this is the context of people I know rather than the world or country at large but I feel like the odd one out. Especially working as I do when everyone else seems to have it all without even needing a career. I must have properly messed up somehow.

Also remember lots of "rich" appearing people don't actually have much money.

It's all built on a house of cards.

If you remortgaged your house to the max, I'm sure you could get a snazzy car and designer clothes. But why the hell would you???

I think all the posters have given you excellent advice and wisdom. Not really much more I could add. You've done really well and on your own too. Just count your blessings you are young and healthy. Change your freinds! They're making you miserable.

It's quite sad to see how many unsympathetic posters there are on here.

Op had a right to feel whatever she wants to feel. I get it. In the world she lives in she doesn't feel like shes enough.

The thing is all these materialistic things doesn't mean they are happier.

I would say try and be confident with who you are and what you've got and that will shine more than any Range Rover or 5 bed house.

@D0lphine yeah I could re mortgage I think and borrow more, buy the car etc. Nobody around me seems to be worried at all,.. I’m genuinely scared about heating costs etc so would never just spend like that while I had day to day living cost concerns.

I do think perhaps this is more in my head and my mindset than anything else…thanks for all the posts.

OP has £500 spare a month on a salary of 62k. This thread has to be a wind up.

It clearly isn’t, there has to be some regression to the mean. If your parents are very high earners then it’s likely that you’ll earn above average, but unlikely that you will earn more than them.

@drpet49 why is having 500 spare cash to spend on whatever the hell you like completely unrealistic on 65k? Please explain?! I have student loans of over 300 a month and 8pc pension costs.

I wasn't being sarcastic when I suggested volunteering at a food bank, btw. You really need some perspective (if not necessarily a Total Perspective Vortex) and volunteering is proven to be good for gratitude and self esteem. Also, you really need something to think about other than how much things cost. It's notable again that in your responses you've acknowledged and responded to questions about money and not questions about people.

Perhaps you don't earn as much but it definitely has a huge impact on your wealth.

"Having wealthy parents is particularly important for getting to the top of the wealth distribution. Children of the wealthiest fifth of parents are almost three times as likely to be in the wealthiest fifth within their generation as those with average parental wealth. This could be because accumulating the large amount of wealth required to reach the wealthiest fifth is particularly reliant on receiving financial transfers from parents."

"Even among those whose parents have the same levels of earnings and education, those with wealthier parents tend to earn more. Holding parents’ earnings fixed, those with parents in the top fifth by wealth earned around £6,000 more per year than those with parents in the second-top fifth and £10,000 more than those with parents in the bottom fifth. In part this is because those with the wealthiest parents were particularly likely to be very high earners. One in five of those with parents in the wealthiest fifth earned over £40,000, compared with one in ten of those in the second-wealthiest fifth, despite modest differences in parental earnings between the two groups."

from IFS

Well I have no mortgage at 41 as am still renting and a leased seat Leon. I don't earn a huge amount but DH does so you're doing better than me

Just to reassure you, OP, in terms of getting yourself stable and secure and assuring a good future for yourself, you are doing far, far better than the average 32-year-old.

You're right about cars. Cars depreciate. Buy a new car and the moment you drive it off the forecourt you've thrown away a couple of grand at least. Property appreciates, cars depreciate. Until such time as you can buy a secondhand Porsche for cash, enjoy your small car and focus on paying off your mortgage and front-loading your pension, because when you hit 55 you'll be very happy you did.

I guess you could look at tweaking your career and going into a particularly lucrative area of the law (which always seem to be the most boring). Look around for new friends. Maybe take up some new hobbies that will put you in contact with different people who don't spend their money on £100 meals.

OP has £500 spare a month on a salary of 62k. This thread has to be a wind up.

Why? after pension she is probably taking home 3.6k, then take off student loans 3.3k. Then mortgage & all bills.

I don’t believe someone with 500 spare a month would put that into a nice car, surely that is very risky and not affordable?

There'll be plenty of people who are paying 300 to lease/HP a car who won't have anything near 500 to out into savings monthly.

I'm not suggesting you do the same, but I think probably your attitude to financial risk may be off kilter with some of your friends rather than your finances.

You’ll be taking home £3,500 a month. You’ve implied that your mortgage is around £70,000, so that’s £500 a month if you’re paying 2,5% over 15 years. After mortgage and student loans you therefore have £2,700 left.

Are you paying off your mortgage much more quickly?

On the car thing, if you buy sensibly a nice car isn’t necessarily very expensive to own. I ran an Audi R8 for three years, I paid £40,000 for it and sold it for £43,000 which covered all the running costs, so it was effectively free.

I think the question you need to answer is 'do I want to be included?'. If you do then it appears you have enough income to buy a new car, move house, etc. Fitting in requires more than just the same assets though. I would say that you need to look at why you think you don't fit in and why those reasons matter.

Or get out and meet some new people. There are millions in a similar position to you, and even more worse off. Maybe you just need to mix in more diverse circles.

You haven't answered the question of whether these super rich people around you are making you feel like the odd one out and doing/saying things to judge you, or if this is entirely coming from you. If they are making comments or behaving in a way that suggests they're judging you then they're nasty dicks, and no amount of money will give them a sense of perspective or make them nice people.

If it's coming from you, then yes, you need a mindset shift. Are you happy with your life? Really that's all that matters. Sod what anyone else has or is doing.

This is a very interesting insight though into the kind of mindset your upbringing and private schooling instilled you with, though, and I don't think it's a good one. Success can mean different things to different people. For me, it isn't connected to big houses or cars – I can't even drive! I grew up poor and went to state school and now earn £46k which is more than my parents ever earned combined, bought a small flat with no help whatsoever and got into my chosen career without a degree. If you've been brought up to think that only earning 6 figures and living in a mansion is good enough, I really don't think that's a healthy way to think, nor does it give you any real perspective of the socioeconomic spectrum.

I feel really proud of myself and successful. I have a friend whose grandparents bought her a flat so she can float about working as and when she chooses, and another friend whose husband's family are millionaires and helped them buy a house whose kitchen is bigger than my entire flat. My boyfriend went to an exclusive boarding school then Oxford, but chose to become a full time musician, so he earns less than me. He doesn't feel like a failure either! It's about being happy with your choices and surrounding yourself with decent people – nobody I know would look down on me because of my home or earnings. If they did, they wouldn't be my friend for much longer.

I think you would be happier if you did a breakdown budget of your earnings and expenditure. People may have flashy cars but could also have a lot of debt or huge mortgage- you don't know.

Some people like spending money on cars & meals out - is it all on credit cards? Do they just have the one expensive handbag or a collection of them?

Focus on your money and budget. Some of the wealthiest people I have met are the least flashy & drive battered old cars.

Hmm, yes.

The not engaging properly is odd. I don't know what the OP hopes to gain from the thread.

Our household income is about the same as your income, and there are 5 of us. We have a 4 bed house in the midlands and live a decent lifestyle. We pay for all extra curricular activities for the kids with that (music lessons, dance lessons etc) and pay childcare fees for the youngest. I agree with the posters who are surprised you only have £500 a month spare.

My parents are breath of fresh air. They have “wealthy” hobbies but aren’t the least bit well off. As a result they’re really well respected because they are both genuinely nice people, very good at what they do. They are old friends with some really rich people who just see years of expertise.

They don’t need “all the kit” to be good at their hobbies/ lives. They bought a nice enough big car with a tow bar because they need a tow bar. They didn’t need a Range Rover. Everything they have improves their lives but isn’t a statement about money spent.

Really Op you are with the wrong people. You have everything you need to be happy honestly.

I think the OP is throwing money at her mortgage. Only bought the house a few years ago and has paid off two thirds of it already.

OP, you don’t seem to want any of the stuff they have that you say makes you feel isolated. You could probably have it if you had a different approach to money and risk. But your approach is good!

I guess I have just tried to be sensible as you never know when you might hit hard times. I’ve never really been one to splash money around on myself. I did overpay my mortgage a bit but again that was because I was scared about it all.

My friends and colleagues are almost all pretty lovely people. Nobody has said anything. But it’s the fact that they DO have all these things and these more lavish lifestyles that makes me feel like there is such a distinction between us and I feel uncomfortable. Maybe it’s all in my mind. I don’t know. The job doesn’t help as I am often mocked for being secretly rich. Which I find implies they think on the surface I have nothing like their lives. I don’t know it’s just uncomfortable sometimes.

Those saying I can’t possibly only have 500 spare…that’s after paying everything else.

Those saying I can’t possibly only have 500 spare…that’s after paying everything else

well yeah I get that… but as I said we’re a family of 5 on the same income, have a large mortgage on a 4 bed house, have childcare fees, pay for multiple extra curricular activities for the kids, have extremely high gas/electricity costs etc, high food costs (as there are 5 of us)… your outgoings must be very high.

You are not engaging here, and the above is an example of that. £500 after “everything else” is meaningless if you are overpaying your mortgage by £1,500 per month, for example. If you are doing that then of course you’ll have less left over month than someone who doesn’t.

It half seems at this point that what you are saying is that you are leaving yourself a tiny amount of your salary each month after saving most, and have less to spend because of it.

If that’s the case then come in, you know the answer. Spend more to keep up, or don’t, and stop being confused about where the money is going.