I am isolated financially and feel like a failure, affecting all my relationships

[Travisk]

This is really hard to admit and I am ashamed that I can’t seem to get perspective/get a grip. I feel totally isolated socially from a financial perspective.

I grew up around very wealthy families after being at a fee paying school. My parents always had a comfortable life and my sibling has recently married someone and is living in a 600k house and working part time.

In contrast, I’m 3 years older, in a relationship but nowhere near the marriage stage, own a small terrace worth 260 and have around a third of the mortgage left to pay off. I drive a 3 door kia that I’ve had for 10 years and about 10k savings.

I’m not at ALL suggesting I’m poor or hard done by. But I have worked all my life and work for a mid/top range law firm and at 32 im earning 65k, living in midlands. I feel like an embarrassment that I have no nice car and a 2 bed house at this age. The job that I do everyone expects me to have money and nice things and yet I am struggling to fit in with the people I was brought up with and now also my sibling. Even my parents don’t really get it…by my age they were in a beautiful large home both working on and off when it suited.

even colleagues I have little in common with as they seem to have flash cars and expensive handbags. I am not saying I need these things but I feel so left out of my social circle where ever I go!

Old friends, new friends, family…it doesn’t matter, I’m surrounded by money and as a solicitor it is even more embarrassing that I can’t keep up with them. What am I doing wrong?! I feel so shit. I’m aware this is the context of people I know rather than the world or country at large but I feel like the odd one out. Especially working as I do when everyone else seems to have it all without even needing a career. I must have properly messed up somehow.

You are earning twice the average household income, so are doing fine on that front. More than fine, really. It’s your expectations which are the issue here, not your income; would some sort of counselling perhaps help with this side of things?

@TicTac80 thanks for understanding. I know I need to re frame things and it’s true @HollowTalk that actually my sibling would be similar to me if on her own. I could also probably be part time with a partner, not that I’d want that.

my parents aren’t lavish people either but were always very comfortable. I guess a lot of the time I feel like I’m working harder and earning more money but It goes nowhere or doesn’t seem to.

@locok thanks for understanding , it is exactly that

@ToDoListAddict I could use the money to get a car but that would feel a bit reckless. I don’t know.

You're 32. 32! You've been working for 10 years max and have longer to work before you receive your state pension than you have been alive. Stop this self-pity now. You have paid off 65% of your mortgage. What on earth are you expecting life at 32 to be like?

Instead of celebrating the fact that you're earning about double the national average salary, well on your way to paying off your mortgage and are racking up a good pension too (I bet) you're looking around for people who for one reason or another seem to be doing better than you in order to make yourself miserable. Have you always been like this?

Maybe you need to seek counselling to talk about why you feel socially isolated. You seem aware that you are actually very lucky financially yet at the same time you do mention finances a lot in a way that is comparing yourself unfavourably to others. Perhaps you are fixating on this rather than face up to the real reasons you find it hard to fit in. I hope you can learn to value yourself and your personal qualities and learn not to care what others think about your car or house. Kindness is far more important.

Also, don’t feel embarrassed. You’ve achieved a lot. You have a roof over your head, a good job and that’s not something you would have just waltzed into. Be proud of your achievements. You did them on your own.

Don’t feel ashamed of inviting your friends over. If they’re true friends, they won’t care about the size of your house or what car you drive. I’ve got friends who are living in places that cost millions. I’m happy for them (and v glad I don’t have their council tax and utility bills!). It’s good that you’ve not overstretched yourself on expensive things!

One of those threads where the OP doesn't engage properly, except with those offering sympathy or agreement!

Are you sure your friends judge you for your little
home? Or are you judging yourself? If the former, find new friends. If the latter then work on your self esteem.

On your salary you could easily afford to ugrade your car on a lease basis. You could also save more (unless all your money is going to paying off the mortgage).

Not sure what your AIBU is really? You have your life, why spend it being jealous of others’ lives when yours is pretty decent?

I do understand where you’re coming from. But… comparison is the thief of all joy! Rather than finding yourself lacking, start focusing on all the awesome things you have got. Your own house, a car owned outright, a great career with accompanying salary, your health (?) etc. That last sentence is meant as kindly as possible btw. Start bigging yourself up in your head, rather than ripping yourself apart 💐

@Travisk I remember having a conversation with some parents a few months ago who were all fretting about secondary schools & thinking we all of the same issue. Subsequently one of those parents has received a 600k gift to move up to a 2m house in catchment, one got 300k,
two have chosen private as gps are paying the fees. So when we had the next conversation I did feel a bit uncomfortable as I don't have those options!

If you want to take a wider perspective on things; if we want social mobility then that means that some people end up earning a lot more than their parents, and others earn less. There’s no inevitability of always doing better, and the better off your parents were the higher the probability that you will earn less than them.

It sounds like you are where you are through your parents paying for a private education, and that there’s a good chance that you’ll get a significant inheritance at some point, so you need to reframe this to understanding that you are privileged to even be at your current level. Had you had a more typical upbringing you’d likely be on half the wage and living in a flat.

You must have an absolute shit load of disposable cash with that income, no kids and a small mortgage. How on earth can you not afford a better car, if you think that defines your worth (as you clearly think it does).

That's what makes me think this post is a wind up. Surely no-one can be that bad with money?

I've just read your follow-up posts. You've got a good job and life, you just need new and better friends — people who how to have a good time without spending thousands. I've worked for incredibly wealthy people with houses in Kensington and worldwide and the moment one starts resenting and comparing all equilbrium and self-confidence is lost.

Good friends, no matter how privileged, know how to look after pals who don't have the same advantages. The fact that you can't keep up with your 'friends' because they don't do things that can include you means they're not real, lasting, caring friends.

and the better off your parents were the higher the probability that you will earn less than them.

I always think it's the other way round.

You also don't say anything at all about whether you even like these people. You don't refer to them as friends - just your "social circle". What actually draws you together? Are they just people you went to school with? What do you value about them? Do they make you feel like you don't compare financially, or is that all coming from you?

You haven't said anything at all about relationships between humans in your posts. It's literally all about sizes of houses, cost of cars, cash amounts, people who don't have to work. Where are the human connections in your life between people who value each other's loyalty, or sense of humour, or great hosting, or appreciation for long walks?

I don't understand why this wasn't an issue at private school, where typically there might be differing wealth levels, unless the OP went somewhere extremely exclusive, and given her parents were described as 'comfortable' I'm guessing not.

You could turn this around. The planet is slowly getting screwed by materialism. A car gets you from A to B safely so your smaller car is polluting the air less. You live in a property that is big enough for you not some gated mansion that is burning twice as much gas to heat empty space most of the time. The programmes on TV are the same on a 32" TV as a 65" TV.

Friendships can be formed on the books you read, the food you share, the puddles you fall in drunk.

Heaven forbid anyone judges us by our cars! Or house come to think of it.

Sounds like you have a great base career so how do you climb the ladder? Or perhaps you could look at being a legal representative for people or causes you are passionate about if you are.

You can make a difference without having to buy your way into staying in social circles you feel you no longer belong.

Change what you can/want to.
And enjoy the rest.

We much prefer trashing our mates lovely houses. They can only come to us garden weather. We live in an area partly pony owning, partly half million plus new build awful houses, partly tatty ex-council (guess us!). Everyone comments how polite our kids are, we have interesting (not shallow basically) conversations around tatty BBQs, we are a happy family (most of the time).

Trust me big houses, expensive cars, ponies, do not make you happy, kind, fun, interesting, progressive, informed, open-minded. They really really don't.

OP
If you are still here, I understand what you are saying, I think
You can't see why there's such a big difference when you are on such good money?

It sounds like the first thing you need to figure out is where your money goes. I realise you haven't earned this well all along, but I thought you'd have more in savings.

@MsEverywhere well i am paying student loads back at around 300 a month so that is a chunk. I have around 800 spare a month which I try and save but also goes on car tax and insurance, any holidays and gifts for birthdays etc. So in reality save about 500 at a push. But surely spending a chunk of that on a flashy car wouldn’t be feasible? This is not a wind up… I don’t believe someone with 500 spare a month would put that into a nice car, surely that is very risky and not affordable?

@EmmaH2022 I just responded to something similar in my post above when asked why I didn’t get a nice car right now. Hopefully that explains why.

as to why I’ve not saved that much, mostly because I only bought the house a few years ago and had to furnish it from scratch and had a car loan which I only paid off last year so I didn’t have that much free money.

@frozendaisy that’s a good point. I do actually quite like my little car as I paid it off myself, it wasn’t bought for me and it is in good condition.

I definitely feel like I’ve failed around those I know well as, for example, if we go for a 100 pound meal per head, for me that is a huge commitment and I worry about the money whereas everyone else just doesn’t seem to think twice!!

I get it, OP. But tbh I also understand why posters are reacting to the thread the way they are. A lot of people are having trouble putting food on the table, so they are going to have limited sympathy for someone whose £65k salary makes them feel out of step with their super-wealthy circle.

Most of the people I was friends with at university are now very wealthy. They live in a completely different world to me. I'm a part-time teacher, married to a teacher. I wouldn't be able to socialise on the same level as them now, but that's fine, as I haven't seen most of them in decades. You are where you are, OP. Cut your coat according to your cloth, as the saying goes. And try to be thankful for what you have.

I think find new friends!!!

So just go to every other meal out.

I think you need to find something else to fulfill you basically because chasing or feeling as though you can't even chase the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow isn't going to make you happy and in 20 years time you will wake up and boom, all this time during your younger, healthier life wasted, feeling inferior.

Rich people live in fear of losing it all have you ever thought of it that way.

How on earth do you only have a spare £800 a month?! (that also needs to be spent on car tax, insurance, hols and birthday)?!

This has to be a wind up!

@MsEverywhere are you joking? How much money do you expect me to have spare …?!?!