I am isolated financially and feel like a failure, affecting all my relationships

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This is really hard to admit and I am ashamed that I can’t seem to get perspective/get a grip. I feel totally isolated socially from a financial perspective.

I grew up around very wealthy families after being at a fee paying school. My parents always had a comfortable life and my sibling has recently married someone and is living in a 600k house and working part time.

In contrast, I’m 3 years older, in a relationship but nowhere near the marriage stage, own a small terrace worth 260 and have around a third of the mortgage left to pay off. I drive a 3 door kia that I’ve had for 10 years and about 10k savings.

I’m not at ALL suggesting I’m poor or hard done by. But I have worked all my life and work for a mid/top range law firm and at 32 im earning 65k, living in midlands. I feel like an embarrassment that I have no nice car and a 2 bed house at this age. The job that I do everyone expects me to have money and nice things and yet I am struggling to fit in with the people I was brought up with and now also my sibling. Even my parents don’t really get it…by my age they were in a beautiful large home both working on and off when it suited.

even colleagues I have little in common with as they seem to have flash cars and expensive handbags. I am not saying I need these things but I feel so left out of my social circle where ever I go!

Old friends, new friends, family…it doesn’t matter, I’m surrounded by money and as a solicitor it is even more embarrassing that I can’t keep up with them. What am I doing wrong?! I feel so shit. I’m aware this is the context of people I know rather than the world or country at large but I feel like the odd one out. Especially working as I do when everyone else seems to have it all without even needing a career. I must have properly messed up somehow.

I don’t really know what people in my friendship group earn apart from the odd one or two. I mean seriously surely there are far more interesting things to discuss. I’m public sector so not a huge earner but have seen first hand what poverty looks like so I do know I’m lucky. Why don’t you do some volunteering and spend some time with a different set of people…volunteer at a family law centre, food bank or womens refuge. You want to be able to walk into your home and feel “this is all mine - I earned this” and feel proud to invite people in. Human connections are important not handbags ( can’t emphasise that enough )

What do you spend your salary on OP, because with a third of your mortgage left you can’t be paying more than about £500 a month. And with your take home pay - around £4k a month, what’s stopping you from buying a fancier car, if that’s what you aspire to? Or taking a bigger mortgage?

You’re only half way to retirement. You’ve plenty of years ahead to pay things off.

Good friends wouldn’t judge and wouldn’t care about your financial status. For example I live in a rente HA flat. My car is 14 and on its last wheels. I’ve not been on holiday for 7 years and am on a small fixed income after retiring early due to a progressive condition. My friends in the main live in gorgeous homes, go on endless breaks and holidays, out for meals etc. They understand my situation and suggest pot luck suppers and free or cheap outings if we go anywhere. I absolutely do not fit in financially but I am accepted for who I am not what I own. If friends are looking down at you or making you feel inferior then I’d say they aren’t true friends. Parents sometimes have different expectations and that can be hard to change if they don’t accept or understand. I cannot lead the lifestyles most of my friends live and have to accept that will always be the case but I would expect good friends to not judge or make you feel as if you don’t fit in. If this feeling is coming from yourself and not them though that’s something you need to work on. What you own does not define you. What you do and where you go doesn’t define you either. If you are an honest and someone who is good to be around that is enough.

Then perhaps you need confidence? I don't mind one bit being the odd one out. Why do you mind exactly?

I hated it as a child I just wanted to be like everyone else. Now I couldn't want anything less.

Did you always feel this way?

OP you only bought the house a few years and you've paid off loads of mortgage, that's impressive!

I'm 46. In my 30s, I spent (wasted) a lot of time explaining to people that I couldn't afford to do the stuff they wanted us to do. Eventually, I rephrased because people got annoyed, felt that I wasn't spending money on what they considered normal social stuff. So I had to say "okay, I'm not keen to go that concert with you, sorry".

If you've seen me on the board before, you will know my social life declined after lockdown, but I don't regret that any of those sorts of people aren't around. It's not important to me to spend the way they do.

I think you need to reframe as well. You're not doing anything wrong. Neither are they. Ot's just choices. You will find others who don't want to splash cash either.

If people are making snide comments, ignore them. Or don't mix with them.

OP I think you are choosing to overpay mortgage and have savings rather than do some of the things you want to. You are wealthy and mixing with others more wealthy does not change that. You're very young so if you want to live a better lifestyle, remortgage the remaining 80k over 24 years, do not overpay qnd enjoy your cash. You'll still have the mortgage paid off by age 57. If you choose not to do that, fair enough but it is a choice and it's a choice not available to most people. You have obviously grown up in more extreme wealth so make some friends with ordinary folk too as this will help you see your privilege.

Whenever I see a new car I know it is most probably leased. A car salesman told us all the cars they sell are on lease so why would you feel any kind of way about someone driving a flash car. You own most of your house and your car that's more than many. I think you will find that most people have the same money concerns as you its just not sexy to discuss them ad nauseum over dinner. Live your life how you feel comfortable who cares what other people think. I spent stupid money when I was younger on stupid things. Don't regret it wouldn't change it but they formed part of the trappings of earning well at the time. Being sensible now will serve you well later. I doubt very much the people you are comparing yourself with actually care tbh.

Oh, the fancy cars are all on PCP. I don't own a car but I'm not sure I'd buy one outright anymore.

Depends how much. So they earn top wages that's one thing, you are likely to earn less as there are fewer roles that pay that much. They earn so much they become wealthy then you have generational wealth, stop needing to earn money, and start producing things that make passive income.

Hi OP, I'm in a situation not entirely different from yours, and I can see that just because you make good money and own your own home doesn't mean you mightn't feel worried, anxious and alienated.

BUT, you're framing this as your financial situation isolating you from friends and family. It sounds to me like it's your own worries isolating you from friends and family. If you feel crap about where you are in life, they will pick up on that. If you feel contented with where you're at, then they will pick up on that too. (if people are making critical remarks, screw them.( But it sounds as though you will be much happier if you can get some therapy to understand why you are unhappy in what are, objectively speaking, fortunate circumstances. Could it be that you are actually in yourself perfectly OK with where you are, but can't stop yourself projecting imagined criticism from other people and letting this get you down?

Believe me that I absolutely understand this is easier said than done, but I'd approach this as a mental health/mindset issue, get some therapy, and stop fantasising about other people's instagram lifestyles.

What would make you happy? Would it help to make a plan of what are your life goals of things that would make you really happy and work towards them, then you can re-frame it in those terms to yourself and your friends too eg. "I chose to keep this old car/small but just right for me house so I could buy my boat/go on adventure holidays/want it reduce my carbon footprint, etc?"

I used to feel really down about renting when everyone I know owns their home. Then I read a book called "Orchids on your budget" by Marjorie Hillis I'd really recommend it. It's funny, written in the 1930's but still relevant and she's an expert in how to re-frame things as choices and cut back in the right places so you still get what you really want.

You're getting so caught up in envy and keeping up appearances you're missing out on figuring out what you really want in your life to make yourself happy.

I’m not sure your sums add up. If you’re on 62k per year with an 8% pension contribution the money saving expert site puts you
on £3422 per month take home until July, rising a little after the NI changes. The costs you put up thread are around £2450 so that has to give you way more than £500, even when you spend £200 on going out - if the figures you are providing are correct.

Or am I missing something? Because going on your figures you have nearly a thousand pounds a month after bills plus the £200 you spend on ‘going out’.

So i’m confused, especially if you are so concerned about money. Are you getting your monthly income and outgoings this wrong? Or is my maths rubbish? (It abs been a long day!)

I’d say it’s a confidence thing, rather than financial issue. You say you’re feeling like you’re not fitting in and use the cars/houses etc as a comparison point.
What is your goal? As in, where do you want to be?

Things aren't always as they seem.

As others have said

a) you are running everything on your own. Two can't exactly live as cheaply as one but it does help a lot to have two incomes.

b) having worked in a Bank in footballer belt, I can confirm that there are a lot of people living way beyond their means. God knows what a big hike in interest rates will do to them.

Nice cars may well be on loan to buy, £100 meals on credit cards.

You are in a very good place at the moment in comparison.

Anyhow, i’m not trying to get at you with my post - it’s just that it seems like you’re possibly not budgeting as well as you could be if £500 per month just disappears into the ether.

The thing is, you could meet someone and join financial forces. You could get a higher income. Make some investments - whatever really to up you into the income bracket you see people like your sister or parents in. Trouble is, unless you’re aiming for mega wealthy, how much would that extra really change anything other than fitting in? You’d have a slightly bigger house maybe or a slightly better car, go on longer or more luxurious holidays or be like friends you see tossing £100 at a meal out without thinking. It wouldn’t really be any different to now, it would just be a little bit pricier or a little bit bigger or flashier.

None of it would really address why you feel the way you do. You’d end up worrying about continuing to keep up with the Joneses and waste so much money on shit that isn’t even that much better than what you have now. (maybe aside from a car, I drive a crap small car and my partner a big pricey one and to be fair the comfort level difference is huge! I park more easily though as can fit in smaller spaces and my fuel costs way less!)

The point is, as long as you measure your worth by what material things you have compared to others you will never be satisfied. And yes it is a cliché, but would you rather be on your death bed thinking ‘wow what a fun and interesting life I led’, or think about all that time you spent worrying about money when you had enough to not have to do that?

Well lots of people who live flashy lifestyles have debt and live beyond their means. This particularly applies to those who regularly purchase new cars, which really are the fastest depreciating asset one can own. In OPs situation I would reframe the situation and see myself as living well within my means, having a secure future (not dependent on a partner) and having more sense that to waste my hard earned cash on designer handbags and status symbols. With some planning and a little belt tightening, it would be possible to move on to a much more prosperous existence in a few years.

Have a watch of Dave Ramsay on YouTube. His stepped approach moves from debt to millionaire, and provides much food for thought.

🎻 This is truly one of the saddest things I've ever read. All the best OP let's hope that nothing bad actually ever happens to you.

I'd love to be on 65k. I can't even afford a decent round here. Can barely afford to rent either and I'm older than you.

I grew up with wealthy parents but then ended up being a sahm and was coercively controlled and financially abused. I literally had to start from scratch after taking so much time out with a battered self esteem. But it made me stronger. Now I’m trying to earn a decent wage and get on the property ladder, my aim is get a lovely bay windowed terraced house (‘cheaper’ area in the U.K.) with a garden where I can keep chickens and grow things. I wasn’t allowed to do that before. My dd is at a private school and I drive in there with a ‘shit’ car and really don’t care and the people that matter don’t seem to care anyway. Those that are bothered are the insecure types that need to ‘show’ their money so I don’t really care what people like that think, I’m just glad I have more choices in my life now.

I don’t mean to patronise you but you have a nice secure debt free life, I know my bar is probably quite low since everything I have been through and you probably don’t care what someone like me thinks but there are people who will value you and won’t care that you can’t ‘keep up’ with them please just keep an open mind. honestly nice people people won’t care, find some new friends seriously, get some hobbies maybe cycling or chicken keeping even astronomy that’s an expensive hobby but you will enjoy your money this way (of course if you do something you’ll enjoy not necessarily the stuff I’ve posted :) and it won’t feel like such a mental challenge trying to fit in. There are lots of nice people to hang out with that aren’t about the superficial things. Maybe get some financial advice on how to manage your money and look at investing it etc. Also maybe try some tcounselling to help build you self esteem so you don’t feel like you need to impress. We all want to fit in the key is finding people who are like you rather than changing yourself to be like others. The people who you want to keep up probably don’t even care about your Kia! Maybe I’m getting old almost 40 but I personally don’t have time for people like that. Too much energy.

Hey op I'm in a really similar position. Work in a large law firm in the North West and single. I think the fact you have a great job, pay your mortgage and have quite a bit of equity, have decent savings and own a car outright at the age of 32 is brilliant and you should be really proud of what you've achieved - I understand how hard you will be working to have built this life for yourself. I also look at some of my colleagues and how they seem to have these big houses and wonder where I am going wrong but based on what you have said I would be looking at you and think you are smashing it. Plus I am sure many would admire your independence. I do!

Student loans are a hidden killer when you reach that salary bracket - I am completely with you on that but they will be paid off sooner rather than later and it will feel like a decent pay rise once it's gone.

Not sure how helpful this will be but I know salaries in top/mid-level firms have skyrocketed this year. I was talking to a recruiter recently and firms like Pinsents/Freeths/Eversheds have all increased NQ salaries in Manchester to £62/63k so maybe a pay rise will be on the cards for you soon so you're in line with the market.

But don't be hard on yourself. If you have £10k in savings you could treat yourself to a nice bag because you've worked hard for it and not got into debt because of it. Equally if you want to treat yourself to a nice meal with friends I wouldn't stress too much about it as you can comfortably afford it. You've put those chargeable hours in and built really solid financial foundations so don't be afraid to enjoy it.

But seriously, you seem really financially astute and I think this will set you up quite nicely in life. Salaries in the law will increase year on year, your savings will grow as will your pension, your mortgage will decrease and your equity will increase and your student loan will be paid off one day. Your in a great position and I'm sure your family are really proud of you :-)

Comparison is the killer of joy. Appreciate what you have achieved.

At 32 you have a good education and career, you are a home owner with a small mortgage, you have friends and a social life. As a single income household, you are financially at a disadvantage, but you have choices. Do you repay loans and mortgage sooner, or do you take your time and partake in more social events? Have you looked at household bills and grocery shopping lately? An overhaul of your budget might free up a little more cash. All your pressure is internal, so try to reframe how you think about your success and failure, and what is really important to your future happiness.

Actually op, if you're bringing home 65k and the only earner, plus paying a mortgage and you have dc, what you outline as finances is about right. Be proud you've got a house that's nearly paid off rather than comparing

In reality someone on your wage will never be in a position to buy a 600k house without something like an inheritance, or some very canny financial deals. If your household brings in 65k you won't be able to afford much more than you are, without going into debt. The people you are comparing yourself too, have different circumstances. 'Comparison is the their if joy' as the saying goes

I earn 60k a year and I'm in a similar situation as you (my mortgage is 900), finance wise, but I'm really proud I've brought up dc alone, have a house, a small mortgage that will be paid off soon, a small car that's 5 years old, I can retire at 58 with no debt . I consider myself v fortunate - you should too.

There's an American financial YouTube/radio show I watch - Dave Ramsey - and his thing is paying off debts and mortgage etc to free up more of your income. So he talks about living like no one else (e.g. driving a cheaper car than most of your friends that you own outright) so that you can live and give like no one else (e.g. being able to drive what you want and be generous).

He's conservative in his outlook and I don't necessarily agree with him on everything, but where I think it would help you is in owning the identity you naturally have of being sensible with money.

Understanding that in X years time when you have a paid off mortgage you are going to be so secure and well off. Rather than living like "normal people" in so much debt and spending money they don't have on things they don't need to please people they don't like.

I think you are doing great, you are just falling into the comparison trap and you are comparing one income with two. It is also hard if you are socialising with people who genuinely can afford more lavish meals etc than you. Maybe try to do something else with them that's less likely to spiral cost wise? You could be honest (with close friends/family) that certain things aren't in the budget (because you are focusing on paying off your mortgage or doing home renovation or something). Or simply become busier and only do things once or twice a month rather than more frequently.

If you want to look at how you could increase your income that's okay too, no one says you have to earn this amount or do this thing exactly where you are, exactly the way you are doing it for the rest of your life.

But you are doing well and being really sensible. Your comparison group is just particularly wealthy!