I am isolated financially and feel like a failure, affecting all my relationships

[Travisk]

This is really hard to admit and I am ashamed that I can’t seem to get perspective/get a grip. I feel totally isolated socially from a financial perspective.

I grew up around very wealthy families after being at a fee paying school. My parents always had a comfortable life and my sibling has recently married someone and is living in a 600k house and working part time.

In contrast, I’m 3 years older, in a relationship but nowhere near the marriage stage, own a small terrace worth 260 and have around a third of the mortgage left to pay off. I drive a 3 door kia that I’ve had for 10 years and about 10k savings.

I’m not at ALL suggesting I’m poor or hard done by. But I have worked all my life and work for a mid/top range law firm and at 32 im earning 65k, living in midlands. I feel like an embarrassment that I have no nice car and a 2 bed house at this age. The job that I do everyone expects me to have money and nice things and yet I am struggling to fit in with the people I was brought up with and now also my sibling. Even my parents don’t really get it…by my age they were in a beautiful large home both working on and off when it suited.

even colleagues I have little in common with as they seem to have flash cars and expensive handbags. I am not saying I need these things but I feel so left out of my social circle where ever I go!

Old friends, new friends, family…it doesn’t matter, I’m surrounded by money and as a solicitor it is even more embarrassing that I can’t keep up with them. What am I doing wrong?! I feel so shit. I’m aware this is the context of people I know rather than the world or country at large but I feel like the odd one out. Especially working as I do when everyone else seems to have it all without even needing a career. I must have properly messed up somehow.

I suppose what I am trying to say is that seeing the purpose in your good money sense and owning it as a (wise) choice will help you to not feel so envious of other people's choices/circumstances.

A friend posted on a groups WhatsApp about possibly buying a shared ownership house. Where they would be getting a 90% mortgage on 25% of a £600k house and paying rent on the rest.

I don't think they got it in the end, but I was pretty surprised/alarmed that that's what "affordable" housing has come to in some parts of the country. Owning a tiny fraction of a house.

I much prefer your plan of owning as much of a modest home as you can.

You sound like you are doing really well for 32, with both with your home and your career. I'm sure the people you are referring to see you in a very different way to the way you view yourself and it may be time to stop comparing and beating yourself up. Do also bear in mind when you see people with all the cars, the clothes, the holidays etc they might also be using finance, credit cards or bank loans and don't actually 'own' these things like it appears.

I sympathise op, and am sorry you faced such an onslaught. I similarly have friends who are all from wealthy backgrounds and in well paid careers and despite doing well myself I just have never had the same amount of money to splash around. It's not the designer outfits etc but having to turn down social events because everything about them was expensive (eg hen parties abroad, expensive spa days etc). We gradually just drifted apart and it had nothing to do with me caring that their clothes /jewellery etc were more expensive. I just couldn't join in with things.

I think the reality in professions like law is that lots of people have wealthy parents too, so in addition to their salary they also get gifted huge house deposits/holidays etc. So you can earn the same but have very different lifestyles, and it does become isolating.

I moved in house and have colleagues from a much broader range of backgrounds now. And I do some volunteer work which I really enjoy but which has the side benefit of reminding me what a bubble I live in

We still don't know how she coped at private school, where she describes herself as 'comfortable' so not the richest there. These being largely the same friends. You'd have visited them in their parents much larger houses, and socialised with them, surely.

I'm not without sympathy but I don't have it for someone on an adequate income, compared to others less well off in the current climate, who's complaining about not being able to keep up with the Joneses.

she is either a wind up or a shallow idiot

DH is on a similar salary to you, I’m retired now and on an ok pension. It’s certainly fine it’s just the company you keep is wealthier but really it’s your own hang up that’s the big issue. My friend is visiting from overseas and how wonderful it was to see him and his wife. He is travelling around Europe for two months dining in the best restaurants which appears to be their passion, he was disappointed he couldn’t get seats for what is described as the best restaurant in the world. They are very obviously far wealthier than us but all we cared about was laughing about our younger student days.

When I visited for a family wedding in 2019 we were absolutely the least well off by miles in what is known as the elite group, it’s what younger relatives jokingly call the older ones. It was a mixture of relatives and my brothers friends.

We all enjoyed a day out to a botanic garden after the wedding. I remember talking to the wife of one of my brothers friends, they are multi millionaires. We shared a love of roses and whilst she has huge gardens and gardeners and I have just a rose bed it was a really nice connection.

You really need to pick apart what is happening in your head.

OP I have family who are millionaires, flash cars, large houses etc and they are lively people. This relative told me he was proud that I brought my own house as he had to buy his children homes, brought their cars paid for most things in their lives and here I was doing it myself - same as you!

I am now ok financially we earn well between us - yet I still drive an old car - can’t bare the waste for a new one - still buy secondhand furniture - just brought a pair of boots from eBay -

Why? Because I don’t want to pay full price! Growing up poor means I value money - we save don’t go on holidays - although that’s about to change

Op you need to forget what everyone else thinks of you? ( founded or not). When you stop doing that you will be happy. Focus on what is great about you as a person, rather than material things.
I know where you are coming from, but since my circumstances changed ( divorce) I moved out of my lovely detached house into a home without even a kettle, bed or carpets. My friends rallied together & I got creative with charity warehouse finds. I am so my happier. It actually makes me feel sick when I see how much people spend on material possessions such as handbags etc when people can't afford to eat.
Please go & volunteer at a womens charity, you're mindset will soon change.
Remember, you are not your possessions.

Just reread my post. Ignore the grammar!

Same boat. Just so you know you aren't alone. Don't know what to say but was nodding my head when reading your post. All so familiar x

That's a good post.

Haven't read the full thread 🤷🏻‍♀️

But if you're earning 65k and 'only' have a 260k house and a 10 year old 3 door car, you must be spending your money on something

I understand what you're saying. That it isn't about not having money but about mot keeping up with the Joneses (which has always struck me as an incredibly shallow existence but any way...)

If you're so bothered about not having a bigger house, newer car, expensive handbags, why not do something about it? You can afford to.

Hi OP,
If you want to you could walk into a car dealership tomorrow - take your bank card and ID and drive out in a huge fancy pants car - putting down a deposit and paying monthly. You are choosing not to do that but then moaning that you don't have a big fancy car. You need to own your choices.

I'm not recommending it. Two 13 year old kia picantos in this house that have served us well (I had one from new on the scrappage scheme the other was 2.5k and has been great for years). We need to look for a bigger car now as we need to lug music equipment and for that they don't cut it.

At times my husband has noticed his friends have cooler cars. I have always said we can go get whatever (within reason) if he wants to but we'll have probably £300-£600 less a month to spend on other things.

I clicked on an official volvo add once just to be nosy and I think they were £800 plus a month - like a second mortgage!

You are 32 and have paid off 2 thirds of your mortgage. We are 43/45 and half way through thirty years with more than half to pay. We have never overpaid. Again if you wanted to you could remortgage your house for over 30 years and have hundreds a month extra but you have prioritised paying it down quickly. Sensible choice but you need to own that decision too - or give the bank a ring to discuss refinancing.

I doubt you know other people's finances like you think you do. I used to enjoy watching Housewives of Orange County and when the 2008 banking crisis hit it became a fascinating social documentary to me. People that had thrown lavish parties in order to gift Rolexes and motorbikes were foreclosing on their houses almost immediately! We have never overpaid anything - we have never afforded to or to save but to see people who have not paid off their houses and had no savings to speak of making a big show of giving Rolexes and motorbikes to impress others blew my mind.

You need to decide your own financial priorities, own them and then you do you.

To add to the above you could possibly take your two thirds equity , your 4x income and buy a 400k house now. Would it be prudent and sensible - no - but you possibly could (depends on affordability with high mortgage rates) but if an impressive house is your number one priority you could look into it.

ZOMBIE.

Interesting thread.

My wealthy best friend lives in a mansion and she and her husband come to stay at my little 2-bed flat. We have a great time and rarely discuss money.

Other friends who worked in the same industry as me (which will never make anyone rich) scrimped and saved to invest in property when they were young (when it was affordable), and built their portfolio. They retired in their late 40s/early 50s and have a lovely life, spending long periods abroad.

The key to this freedom, they said, was keeping their costs down and not splashing out on prestige cars and designer stuff.

Many famous rich people are frugal - the billionaire Warren Buffett still lives in the first home he bought for about £25,000 in 1958 and has breakfast at McDonald's daily for about £2. Mark Zuckerberg was recently spotted in Costco (a cheap wholesaler), Martin Lewis (worth £123m) still shops in Poundland and multimillionaire boxing champ Tyson Fury recently bought £3 sunglasses in a charity shop.

Frugality is one of the key markers for wealth, according to a report.

So hopefully, OP, that might reframe your view of your colleagues'/ friends' high-spending habits and reassure you that, in fact, you are on the right path to wealth.

Despite having a lower household income than you I can relate. I thought DH and I were doing well for ourselves - own home albeit modest, if we want to put the heating on for an hour we can without worrying, some savings, if DC has a school trip not a problem. Having been invited to her friends houses for play dates however they all have such bigger houses than us (easily 3 to 4 times the size and cost) that I am genuinely too ashamed to invite any of them back to mine because of what they might think if they saw it. (there is a mix of housing in our area but I had no idea just how different it was- we moved here for work so weren't familiar with the area). Now that I've seen how they live I feel like we don't belong here (will DC feel inadequate in comparison when older, and because I can't return invites) and that's what it's about. It's not possessions it's do I belong. How you grew up sets up what you regard as normal so I can see that too. As PPs have said though having a second income makes a MASSIVE difference, and for all you know they've maxed out every credit card they have, over stretched themselves on the mortgage and are only one unforeseen event away from serious trouble. And/or received an inheritance or been gifted money. They might not appear worried about money but doesn't mean that they aren't. For all anyone knows they are just trying keep up appearances and just pretend that £100 on dinner is nothing. If I were struggling I wouldn't say anything to anyone unless it were a close friend and even then I might not in case they thought I was looking for help instead of just blowing off steam.

My parents have always been poor but never spent anything except on their (niche) interests. They have always been exceptionally good at what they do outside of how they earned money. They have lots of interesting ( also plenty of well off) friends because my parents are also interesting in their own right. The fact they are not as well off doesn’t come into it.
It’s refreshing visiting them because it gives you perspective on what’s actually important and enjoyable in life. Do what you love and people naturally come to you.
Striving for what everyone else has doesn’t make you happy.

£65k at a law firm seems low to me. Are you being paid less than coworkers? Are you investing any money? Do you have a grip on your finances and budget? I wonder if you're wasting money rather than spending it consciously and really being smart about it.

OP, please be gentle on yourself. Whenever I feel I have less than others, I remind myself that I have a roof over my head, food in the cupboards and money in the bank. That makes me in the top 5% of the world's population.
Never look at people above you, look at those below. This will always remind you that you are indeed one of the lucky ones.

It really is quite simple. If you cannot afford to meet with these people then don't do it! Unless of course you are hoping someone 'rich' enough will snap you up. You need to have a think about what your interests in life are and try building a social life accordingly.
That will help you come closer to a partner who may suit you long term.

You do earn quite a bit.

Maybe these people use a lot of credit to have the lifestyle they do?

@thejadefish
I think you perhaps need to take your own advice a little.

If some of your daughters friends lose their houses and have to downsize in the cost of living crisis will they then be suitable playmates?

One of my oldest friends has lived in ordinary house then life changed and v. modest house life quickly changed again and now big fancy house. She has been the same person throughout.

Anyone that judges your home isn't worth knowing whatever size of house you or they have.

Invite your daughters friend round. Hell invite two or three. Let them top pizzas or make cookies or whatever is age appropriate They will love it!

I learned a similar lesson when I stayed distant from a very friendly local family because of their "Brady bunch" vibe when I was struggling. They are no longer together and I am reminded that you shouldn't judge the inside of someone's life from the outside. Ridiculously I would have been much more keen to be friends if I thought they might have their own difficulties - but people don't usually show you that.

I do understand. My son has some friends with big fancy houses and I'm probably glad they came here and we met their lovely parents before we knew!

Some families are living in one room - and that would make it really difficult but everyone deserves time with friends if possible.

@Winter2020 yeah you're right. I'm very much aware that the chip is on my shoulder and the other mums probably wouldn't care less, but I feel awkward inviting them when mine is so much smaller/I can't offer the same sort of hospitality (we have a 3 seater sofa and that's the only adult seating due to space but if it's just me and one other mum it's not like there's nowhere to sit at all). I got round it initially by suggesting play dates at soft play instead (albeit intermittently - DD is 5) but the more friends she's made like this the more I've been worrying so to speak. I've been wondering whether I should just sod it and invite them anyway (I keep changing my mind). My hang ups shouldn't impede DD's life...