MIL strange question

[JulyDreams]

So sorry this is so long but thanks to anyone who can read this or at least offer a listening sympathetic ear (or eye!) Just wanted a bit of an opinion really.

MIL bumped into my Mum when out shopping apparently a couple of days ago, Mum updated me on this. Mum said it was very nice to see her etc and they exchanged pleasantries. However MIL asked my Mother a very odd question (is it odd?) she said ‘Will you be at the birth?’

What is she getting at?

My Mum responded ‘if I am wanted I will be there’, not saying yes or no. This is the first time they have seen each other since my pregnancy has been announced. MIL usually doesn’t respond to texts even from my mum or myself, it’s difficult to get hold of her but when DP texts she answers.

Why would MIL want to be at the birth and is it something I should allow even though it’s not my wishes?

Bit of background:

• Me and DP are pregnant with our first and due in a couple of months

• MIL is known to be quite controlling and she does get quite involved when it comes to my DP (who is her youngest of 2 son’s)- she comments on his hair and clothes around me and how nice he looks all the time (he is 32)

-She doesn’t have a close relationship with me at all but it’s always been that way. Sends cards on DP’s behalf without me knowing putting his name in it and not mine.

• She also has not really bought anything for her new Grandchild due soon except a couple of hand me downs from previous grandchildren, not really made an effort towards me in my pregnancy.

• I last saw her beginning of Feb this year. Has not made an attempt to see me in my pregnancy at all.

• DP’s job involves having to pick up metalwork from his parent’s house as they run their own metalwork supply business. So his mum sees him a couple of times a week, gives him lunch, without me having to bother them. Hence why she doesn’t reach out to me at all as she is still getting to see her son. I understand that but I wish her and FIL made an effort with us both or at least visited us in our home.

• MIL does not recongise us as a couple as we aren’t married. She will never admit this but it is obvious. When we announced we were pregnant she was pretty shocked as if it has knocked her world sideways.

I am worried now she is going to pressure DP into making her be at the birth. I am already genuinely terrified and only wanted my DP and my mother their to hold my hand, they are the closest two people to me in my whole life and having them their would help me due to a risk of couple of compilations for me anyway.

She has said to DP if she is not at the birth then she will wait in the waiting room!!?? DP told me this and apparently has agreed. I didn’t even know our hospital had a waiting room as far as I knew!! I am now scared because as soon as I have the baby she is going to turn up without my control. I wanted to spend the time with DP bonding and getting use to becoming parents. We also wanted to try breastfeeding her now I feel we wont have a chance due to MIL barging in. Is there anyway I can inform the midwives or shove on my birth plan that I don’t want any visitors after?

Do I have any control over this? I am wondering whether to chat to my midwife about how I am feeling about all this. I am feeling quite low about all this and this supposed to be the happiest time for myself and DP and all we have had is pressure. Am I the nasty one here?

In my experience, hospital midwives don't pay much attention to birth plans, so you will need to reiterate strongly on admission and to each hospital personnel that you meet, that no information or visitors should be given/allowed.

You have a DP issue and if he can't abide by your wishes for one of the most dangerous events in a person's life.... then maybe you should only have your mum there.

My grandson is 10 weeks old. Only one birth partner was allowed, so that was my son. He had to do a pcr test at the hospital 24 hours before ( DIL had induction) Only one visitor per bed ,per day was allowed. Everyone in DILs ward had their birth partner as their visitor. No one had new grandparents on either side of family as visitors . She had a cesarean so was in in for 2 days. Everyone waited to be invited to meet the baby after they had been home for a few days. The wonder of watts app meant we all had millions of photos and videos to look at. It was lovely. We got to see the new baby and our son and DIL without invading their space and her recovery. Could your DP set up something like that so MIL feels involved.

I would ask your partner why he thinks you would want his mother any where near you after the birth when she hasn’t even got the decency to acknowledge you any other time.
Your partner is a huge problem here. Make you feelings and wants known now and tell him under no circumstances is she to come to the hospital. She sounds awful. Start as you mean to go on or she will try to take over with baby at every opportunity and your partner will just roll over and let her by the sounds of it.

Now is the time to assert yourself as the mother of your own child and the head of your nuclear family with your partner. While he is joint parent, your wishes trump everyone else's when you are in labour and quite probably naked, in pain and feeling vulnerable. The compromise is his mum can be told first, or you each ring your mums in your own phones at the same time once baby is here, but she is not to be told when you go into labour as knowing she is waiting will impede you. Surely his baby and partner comes before anyone else in this most important time. Do not give up the chance to breastfeed and have those precious few hours in your baby bubble for the sake of a woman who hasn't welcomed you, doesn't treat you with respect and thinks she is number one with her son.

She is a grown woman and should have stopped having strops by now. By all means don't upset her for the sake of it but you being upset so she doesn't get to not feel top dog is ridiculous. Maybe if he can't put you first he should go back and live with mummy.

Yeah, in a way it doesn’t really matter what the intention of the question was it’s shone a light on something you need to get crystal clear now - well ahead of time so nobody needs to think about it.

This is the most vulnerable time for a woman - you’re physically beaten up and hormonal soup so what you say absolutely take priority. I’d have died off seeing someone straight after labour with my boobs out and foof in tatters. We had no visitors till the next day for that reason.

If your DH doesn’t accept that, leave him at MIL house and take your mum!

I’d be making clear to your dp that his presence at the birth is entirely contingent on him being an asset.

This isn’t about anyone’s rights - his dm’s or even his as a father. This is about safely delivering a baby, and the stress of the mother giving birth plays a part in that.

After the birth, assuming it all goes well you’ll only be dealing with after birth pain, bleeding, hormone surges and drops, while learning to latch and feed a newborn. You need someone watching over, and protecting you at this time - that’s his role. He cannot birth or breastfeed. This is where he can step up.

That was a best case scenario. You could also be recovering from abdominal surgery, or other injuries or complications. I’m not saying this to scare you. Men can feel like a third wheel, and of course women can and do manage without them, but the difference that a really good dad can make at this stage is huge. I don’t think it’s spelled out enough.

As for the granny battles - there is no comparison between your dm and your mil. For your dm, her dd has given birth and she will be concerned for you, and there for you. mil is a visitor - a high priority one, but when you need support in the first few days it’s your dm you turn to (of course this isn’t the same for everyone). It’s not about treating grannies equally - that comes a little later (and it’s important, just not the priority in the first few days).

So frankly, if your dp is going to be a liability, and cannot be trusted not to announce things, or to gatekeep appropriately, then maybe he should be waiting outside too with his dm until you’re ready to see them both.

There are indeed waiting rooms on delivery floors of hospitals. My family used one. And I have been in one at another. It is not just on tv shows. Of course there may be some places without a waiting room. But many if not most hospitals have them. Ridiculous to say they’re only on tv shows, that is a lie.

I am NC now with our in-laws (truly evil, not just wanting to be at hospital) so I was predisposed to completely side with you Op. I had my husband and sister with me in the delivery room. My mother was too nervous so she and my aunt stayed in the waiting room along with my mil and fil at the time. There’s no barging in.

It’s understandable you don’t want your mil there at all if you hate her, so just tell your husband what you want, you should come first in your wishes. It sounds like he believes you're mistreating her and that’s why he’s pushing this. And you’re resentful because he’s putting her over you and I agree that’s unacceptable. That is the crux of it I think. He’s obeying her when his allegiance should be to you especially as you’re the one who’s giving birth. I apologize if I don’t understand the full story. Oftentimes in-laws have ill will and it comes across and that’s what you’re feeling from them, thus you don’t want mil there at this important time.

MIL is a powerful influence over DP best of times

He should be having your back, not still attached to his mum’s apron strings.

I think you need to be blunt with your DP, if he wants the best for you and the baby, he will do whatever it takes to make it clear to his mother that she will not be anywhere near the hospital until she is invited to see the baby.

Absolutely this ^^
You might like to tell your partner to tell his mother that giving birth is not a spectator sport, and he is not to tell his family when you go into labour. Also spell it out to your midwife that you don’t want any visitors.

Thank you. MIL doesn't speak to me. She goes through DP or anyone else around me.

Why doesn't she speak to you? Are there cultural differences? It sounds like your partner’s mum has no respect for you. She sounds awful, and if she decides you aren’t worth speaking to then she doesn’t get to see her grandchild. TBH I’m baffled that you chose to have a baby with such a mummy’s boy.

Excellent post @Herejustforthisone. Perhaps you should re-read the OP’s posts @AnAfternoonWalk

This. I don't understand the angst.

We had 3 x home births but didn't tell anyone until baby was safely delivered and we were both settled/baby weighed/checks done/first feed and both tucked up in bed! Neither set of parents had any idea baby was born or on the way until afterwards. Having phones doesn't mean you have to be contactable/answerable all the time at such a private time in both your lives.

OP. When you speak to your DH you need to make sure he understands that everything relating to child-birth has a huge physical and hormonal impact on the mother. Pregnancy, child-birth, recovery from birth and breastfeeding are all physically demanding on a woman and often make her feel very vulnerable as well as being very intimate. The father will be emotionally involved but he is not dealing with all the physical demands and changes on his body that the mother is. Who you choose to have with you at this intimate and vulnerable time is not about family relationships/closeness to the baby but about who will make you feel most comfortable. It is not unfair to his mother that you will be comfortable with your own mother being with you but not his- it's just a reflection of the fact that she has known you and comforted you all your life.

I think you need to have some open and honest discussions with your DH and point out that you and your baby should now be his priority. He needs to understand that if the mother is stressed there are more likely to be complications with the birth, which can be very dangerous for you and the baby. Child birth is never without risk, even with modern hospitals etc. If he is prepared to put you in a position that increases the risk to your life and your baby's life when it is entirely avoidable then he is not a good father. If allowing his mother to wait around the hospital will make you stressed but he wants to do it anyway he is putting his mother's feelings ahead of the safety of you and your baby.

Because OP is the one GIVING BIRTH. And she wants her mum with her to support her.

Gosh there are a lot of entitled grannies on this thread.

Except for you @AngelinaFibres , you sound lovely and very much like my own MIL (who wasn't at my birth - or hovering in the waiting room while I regained the feeling in my legs - but has since had lots of lovely cuddles with her DGC).

Thanks @Calphurnia88 but it's wasted efforts I think I've touched a nerve with some people here.

@AMindNeedsBooks but she HAS asked to be there! This is what I'm saying.

The comment about him looking nice (his hair, his shirt, his trousers, his shoes.... the way he speaks) is ... all the time.. in front of friends and family and it's embarrassing to DP but she still treats him like a child.

Totally agree thank you @RampantIvy sorry your baffled I just happen to (stupidly) love the mummy's boy in hopes perhaps he would change when I fell pregnant.... or got married.

We are engaged to everyone asking just not married.

I'm not wanting to be a doom-monger here but I am concerned for you.

You aren't married and your partner has a dominating parent who he obeys.

What is your living situation? Do you own your house? Share finances/everything?

You two aren't on the same page over so many things you need a long, serious, sit-down talk with him before the baby's here. Wanting his mother to look after it when you return to work to make her happy is not the way things should go.

He needs to realise that the way she treats you is unacceptable and she needs to stop treating him like her little precious. He's about to be a father and he needs to show that he's grown-up enough to do this

And then if he understands and starts behaving like a decent partner, get married.

If she shows up and you need to feed baby ask her to leave, same at home go into another room.’ It’s natural for her to feel a bit pushed out, maybe acknowledge that and try and involve her a bit more of things won’t change. Always so much hatred for mother in laws on here. No need

BTW remember to give baby your last name. If you and your partner ever get married in the future and you want to change it, you can. But if you give baby his last name and you split up, he will never agree to change it to yours.

You have some good advice on here about arranging things for the birth.

That is not the real problem though. I think it would be a good time to sit down with your DH and to discuss 'family loyalty' for the birth and beyond (meaning the three of you rather than your extended families). There are going to be moments ahead where he has to choose between what you want/what is best for you and what his mother wants and is best for her.

When these things clash, what is he going to do? Which side will he be on?

Don't allow him to 'fudge' on this. Be clear - discuss different examples.

You can then decide if this is going to be ok with you.
(In any case, I'd look to move further away from his family as soon as you can. )

I don't have hatred towards my MIL she has hatred towards me. She's always excluded me from family events because I'm not married to DP like SIL is.

I think some MNetters see 'MIL' in the title and jump in with preconceptions based on their own (bad) relationships. This works both ways, but on this occasion you have angered the grannies with boundary/entitlement issues. Maybe it gives them some catharsis to be rude to someone else's DIL🙃

FWIW I only gave birth 9 weeks ago and although I have a great relationship with my MIL I would not have wanted the pressure of ANY visitors in hospital after the birth, with the exception of DP. It's a special moment for you and your new family that you will never get again... But its also a really important time for recovery before you and DC are determined fit to go home. IME this involved a lot of doctors and midwives popping in and out for several hours. I'm not sure how visitors would fit into this around trying to establish BF and also sleeping where possible (which you will want to do, especially if long labour).

Best of luck OP.

I feel when it comes to DP and MIL I am out of control totally so this I'm hoping isn't just another thing that gets taken out of my hands

Then take some control back and make sure - without DP there if necessary - that it's put in your notes you want her nowhere near the place

I don't like the "MIL only speaks to DP" and I like "He'd probably be on his phone all the time" even less; he's about to become a father and this seems as good a time as any to grow up

Ask your DP if he would want your Mum there while he has his penis on display and is grunting and sweating.

I suspect not. If you don't get to invite your Mum to see his privates, he can't invite his Mum to see yours.

I’m the midwife in charge of labour ward where I work. Just tell them you don’t want her admitted under any circumstances. It’s more common than you think

Congratulations! Smile and do as you like. You're the one giving birth, you call the shots. Be very firm with your dp that you want time alone, just you two and the new baby. Then when you're ready people can pop in for a few minutes. Start as you mean to go on.
Be grateful you haven't been bombed with MIL gifts. She's probably the sort to ask where the huge, ugly unwanted item is etc etc.