MIL strange question

[JulyDreams]

So sorry this is so long but thanks to anyone who can read this or at least offer a listening sympathetic ear (or eye!) Just wanted a bit of an opinion really.

MIL bumped into my Mum when out shopping apparently a couple of days ago, Mum updated me on this. Mum said it was very nice to see her etc and they exchanged pleasantries. However MIL asked my Mother a very odd question (is it odd?) she said ‘Will you be at the birth?’

What is she getting at?

My Mum responded ‘if I am wanted I will be there’, not saying yes or no. This is the first time they have seen each other since my pregnancy has been announced. MIL usually doesn’t respond to texts even from my mum or myself, it’s difficult to get hold of her but when DP texts she answers.

Why would MIL want to be at the birth and is it something I should allow even though it’s not my wishes?

Bit of background:

• Me and DP are pregnant with our first and due in a couple of months

• MIL is known to be quite controlling and she does get quite involved when it comes to my DP (who is her youngest of 2 son’s)- she comments on his hair and clothes around me and how nice he looks all the time (he is 32)

-She doesn’t have a close relationship with me at all but it’s always been that way. Sends cards on DP’s behalf without me knowing putting his name in it and not mine.

• She also has not really bought anything for her new Grandchild due soon except a couple of hand me downs from previous grandchildren, not really made an effort towards me in my pregnancy.

• I last saw her beginning of Feb this year. Has not made an attempt to see me in my pregnancy at all.

• DP’s job involves having to pick up metalwork from his parent’s house as they run their own metalwork supply business. So his mum sees him a couple of times a week, gives him lunch, without me having to bother them. Hence why she doesn’t reach out to me at all as she is still getting to see her son. I understand that but I wish her and FIL made an effort with us both or at least visited us in our home.

• MIL does not recongise us as a couple as we aren’t married. She will never admit this but it is obvious. When we announced we were pregnant she was pretty shocked as if it has knocked her world sideways.

I am worried now she is going to pressure DP into making her be at the birth. I am already genuinely terrified and only wanted my DP and my mother their to hold my hand, they are the closest two people to me in my whole life and having them their would help me due to a risk of couple of compilations for me anyway.

She has said to DP if she is not at the birth then she will wait in the waiting room!!?? DP told me this and apparently has agreed. I didn’t even know our hospital had a waiting room as far as I knew!! I am now scared because as soon as I have the baby she is going to turn up without my control. I wanted to spend the time with DP bonding and getting use to becoming parents. We also wanted to try breastfeeding her now I feel we wont have a chance due to MIL barging in. Is there anyway I can inform the midwives or shove on my birth plan that I don’t want any visitors after?

Do I have any control over this? I am wondering whether to chat to my midwife about how I am feeling about all this. I am feeling quite low about all this and this supposed to be the happiest time for myself and DP and all we have had is pressure. Am I the nasty one here?

My mil asked me if my mum would be at the birth, I didn't have my mum, I think my mil probably asked because she would have been jealous if my mum was there. You don't have to have anyone there you don't want to, you are the patient. Birth partners are there to suo3port the woman giving birth, not there to have first hold and a photo opportunity. Maternity units are locked for obvious reasons, you have to be buzzed in. There is no waiting room outside the unit where I had my children, I assume to stop people not invited from camping outside the doors. The waiting area is beyond where you are buzzed in. No one can just walk into the room where you are giving birth, you can make it very clear that you don't want visitors apart from your partner afterwards.

I don't get on well with my in laws either I had a similar thing as I wasn't married when we had our first child also aged 32, we'd been together over 10 years by that point. My mil was very disappointed (actually said so!!) and it set the tone for the relationship from then on. My in laws never once spoke to me or asked via text if I was OK during all 3 of my pregnancies and they never actually congratulated me, they messaged my husband separately 🤣. I got a message 4 weeks after I had my 3rd child from my mil asking me to send her some photos of the baby, I said "sorry I can't they are on the ipad not my phone" (not actually a lie).

Having a child when you don't get on particularly with your mil creates a very weird dynamic, they love your child and consider them family, but you remain an outsider, I've always said to my husband I'm literally the vessel that delivered their grandchildren, they'd be happy if I wasn't in the picture. My in laws have always been very overinvolved and controlling when it came to my husband, they had real issues accepting he had grown up (they actually said this when we bought our first house at 30 😆). All very weird, thankfully we distance ourselves from them now.

You need a good talk with your DP tonight. He needs to be on your side.

Mother in laws in delivery rooms is a bit like men in women's toilets. The type who insist they're entitled to be there are the exact type you don't want in there.

Thanks everyone for your comments. I know MIL is jealous if my mum will be there hence her reason for asking my mum (as soon as she saw her, obviously been dying to find out) but as she doesn't speak to me she didn't feel the need to ask me. Perhaps if I had a totally different relationship with MIL one in which she respected me and the bare minimum of actually liking me I would have wanted her there to support us both but I don't feel I do at all. I don't want to come across as a nasty person to those that don't understand but thats how I am feeling. To get baby out I need my mum and DP there.

Will update later on once spoken to him.

You have a DP problem. He shouldn't have agreed she can wait in the waiting room. I'd warn your midwife and let her know your wishes.

Remember, if it starts making you that anxious that your DP doesn't need to be your birthing partner either. You could just have your mum. I don't mean you should do it spitefully but not all partners are cut out to be supportive during labour anyway (one born every minute highlights that perfectly) and you also don't need any additional stress about him messaging his mum throughout/straight away.

My DH kept my mum updated throughout due to complications and, afaik, despite an induction he only told PIL once our DD was born.

That really should be the pecking order, you are someone's child going through a big event and your mother/parents should be updated if that's what you want and your child is on the way so his focus should be on you and your baby. Everyone else can sod off during labour.

I wonder if your MIL had her MIL with her when she gave birth Op?

Hope your talk goes well.

Your partner needs to wise up as to who is important in the upcoming scenario.

Not him & certainly not his Mum!

Speak to your midwife. They will tell you exactly what can/will be done at your chosen hospital. They are all different - but they are ALL used to dealing with baby rabies relatives! Hopefully this will start to out your mind at ease a bit!

In terms of your partner. First of all he needs to understand that labour and the birthing of your baby is a MEDICAL PROCEDURE not a spectator sport. YOU AND YOU ALONE get to choose who is there and who knows it is happening. He has ZERO rights until that baby is born - infact he has zero rights until baby is registered and you have chosen to put his name on the birth certificate as you are unmarried. If he will not support you in your wishes with regard to your medical procedure then HE is not the right person to be there. You need someone you can rely on. As an unmarried person your mother(/father) is technically your next of kin so gets to make choices for you in your incapacity AHEAD of him.

With your midwifes support so it is done correctly make sure it is "all over your notes" that you do not want MIL or anyone else near you or the baby until you are fit enough to agree to visitors - or you could say at all in the hospital. (This is your choice - not your dp's)

Has anyone mentioned last names for baby yet? (I haven't read all the comments just the OPs.) But as you are not married the baby should have your last name. It can be updated when/if you get married. Otherwise if his mother continues to drive the wedge she is determined to drive between you you will end up with a different name to your child and not be able to change it without his permission...

You are right to start with this as you mean to go on otherwise you will have MIL demanding dp brings baby on his twice weekly visits to leave with MIL whilst you are at home. Or some other such nonsense.

Realistically your dp needs to understand / appreciate that if his family does not include you then it does not include your children. I would absolutely not give her any access to that baby without you - and I would not be in the same space as her unless she can at least be civil to you. Ignoring the mother is not the way to get to the child - it is up to dp to get this across to his mother. a pattern you might suggest is that the same pattern of visits they make now might be continue once baby is born - but of course baby stays with mum and only visits with those who usually visit mum!

Good luck OP. I hope you can get your DP to see sense.

Has anyone mentioned last names for baby yet? (I haven't read all the comments just the OPs.) But as you are not married the baby should have your last name. It can be updated when/if you get married. Otherwise if his mother continues to drive the wedge she is determined to drive between you you will end up with a different name to your child and not be able to change it without his permission

Spot on. I hope you have a calm and productive chat with your partner this evening. But if he's not able to grow a pair, then, look to the future, this is what it will hold.

Tbf it takes a special type of woman to expect to attend a birth/come in post delivery when she doesn’t speak to the mum. Not even to ask her if she can come to the birth, like her son should get a say on that. I’m starting to agree with other posters, if he doesn’t see your point of view quite quickly I’d be taking my mum only. He doesn’t have the right to be there, it’s medical. I really hope for a good outcome op

Do not allow her there. If she cannot be arsed calling once in a while, then like bollocks should she be at the birth. It'd be a slippery slope if you allowed her.

Did you actually read anything else she said?

I think you're getting a hard time, you know your MIL. My MIL has said "are you going to do x with startfresh's parents" and you can see it's so she can ask us to do the same, thinking it needs to be exactly the same.

I know because she's done it in the past and once she even said "but you did x with startfresh's parents" and we were ready with a response which caught her out and made her realise she couldn't use that argument then.

Some people just need to know what you're doing with the other side of your family and expect that you have to do the same when it suits them. However you can bet she would happily kick your mum out to get herself in, doesn't need to be equal then.

I didn't have DH with me when either of my babies were born, they were born rather suddenly and I gave birth while he wasn't there. DC2 was born prematurely and DH was away from home. He drove back and arrived around 6 hours after the birth which was perfect.

I am honestly so relieved I didn't have to support DH at the birth- I could concentrate on myself and the baby and the medical staff were absolutely great. The baby will get born even if it's just you and the midwife there!

I would not have liked my mum or mum in law there at the birth. I would have been too worried about what they were thinking.

Read as much as you can about births OP and you will feel more in charge if you know what's going on.

I agree with others that you need to explain to your DP that the TOP people in his life are now YOU and the baby! When Mil asks him anything the answer has to be... every time... "Idk mum I will have to ask JulyDreams"

I would have loved that with all mine but I only managed it with the first one, well not the baby being premature and I hope they are fine, but I had so much pressure from midwives that he had to be there. Having my mother there would have been even worse because as you say I'd feel like I had to support her rather than me being the one supported.

I feel the same about dying, I've told my kids when the time comes they can visit and say their goodbyes and then leave me to get on with it, the idea of listening to them being upset would not make it easier for me. I have a horror of people sitting round a bed waiting for me to die. Somethings work on your own, animals know that.

This.

You sound very vulnerable.

An unpleasant MIL that excludes.

A mummy's boy who thinks he can decide if his mother attends the birth of your baby.

I think you need to give your head a
wobble.

You are very vulnerable.
Thank goodness you have your mother.
I predict you are going to need her support.

I agree with this!
Naturally MIL will be excited or want to feel included if she’s that close to her son, but your partner needs to have to your back here. Let him tell her that he’ll keep her updated when he can, and that he’ll ring when baby is born and arrange for a time for her to visit. He can’t put not wanting to upset her above your wishes!! She should understand that! Was she at other grandchildrens’ births?

The time just after a baby is born is so special for you and your partner. I loved it so much with each of mine. I definitely wouldn’t have wanted to feel under pressure with someone waiting in the wings, especially not a MIL.

For what it’s worth I don’t think it sounds like she’d expect to be at the birth.
Don't stress, enjoy it all xx

Update:

Spoke to DP and went through my birth plan.

Mentioned how my birthing partner I wanted to be him and my birthing companion would be mum. Apparently you can have 2 people. He said he was happy with that. I said everyone else can come to see daughter once we are at home and settled. He went a bit quiet then said ‘whatever you want’ and 'that's fine' quite reassuringly. I didn't her the impression he was 100% happy but I said that's my wish.

Why am I not convinced she will still turn up? Can only wait and see now.

I also have a call scheduled with my midwife in a couple of days to discuss my concerns without DP being present.

I'm glad you've spoken to your partner. His response seems a bit luke warm but basically accepting. However, I don't think you've taken it far enough. Have you explicitly told him that he needs to convey your wishes to his mother, and have you told him there is no chance of this plan changing to accommodate her wishes?
You appear to be leaving a lot of the enforcing of this to the hospital staff. They will support you in this, but really you need to be sorting this out a little more emphatically now.
I know you say your mil doesn't speak to you. Did this mean that she literally ignores you when you visit? If you phoned her would she cancel the call? I think you need a bit of a heart to heart with her. Tell her your plans for the birth and that there is no room for movement on this. Tell her that she needs to contact you directly before visiting once baby and you are home, to check if it is a good time for you and baby for her to visit. In other words, lay down some ground rules now. It'll be so much more difficult if you wait until the baby is born.

Why am I not convinced she will still turn up?

If her son doesn't tell her what is happening she will have no reason to.

Even if she does you don't have to let her in to see you.

We are all different of course, but it never occurred to either of us that we would be contacting any parents until after the birth.

It's rather worrying (imo) that as regards you giving birth he's considering his mum at all.

I think you need ti spell it out in baby language, "I am pusing ouf this baby through my fanny. If I feel I want more support, its normal that I am comfortable with the very person that bought me into this world, the only woman who has loved & cared for me since the very day I was born.
Its not a competition, its not about chalking up marks, & who was there first.
Its about Me on my own, confronted by this huge reality of fright & physical pain.
Your Mother doesn't like me, she is not going to help me be serene, & relaxed.
If she comes anywhere near me and my baby without my express permission. Then this whole relationship is worthless.."

Agreed. I have written and will inform hospital that I would like to be asked (and conscious!) if there are any visitors for me.

I don't trust DP to tell her what we have agreed 100% so I think I need to discuss with her before baby is here

Thanks for your comment. MIL ignores my calls and texts. She may ignore a call or return it the next day. She has a lot of excuses.

When I see her usually it's ignore me and just gush over DP. She is very tight lipped with me but she's generally pleasant. It's an odd relationship.

Why won't she talk to you? And why hasn't mummy's boy challenged her about the way she behaves towards you? She sounds deeply unpleasant.

I would stop calling and texting her TBH.

He says to me he has challenged her but nothing changed... so doubt it.

I did stop calling and texting her for a while but we went a year without speaking. She goes through DP to me.