MIL strange question

[JulyDreams]

So sorry this is so long but thanks to anyone who can read this or at least offer a listening sympathetic ear (or eye!) Just wanted a bit of an opinion really.

MIL bumped into my Mum when out shopping apparently a couple of days ago, Mum updated me on this. Mum said it was very nice to see her etc and they exchanged pleasantries. However MIL asked my Mother a very odd question (is it odd?) she said ‘Will you be at the birth?’

What is she getting at?

My Mum responded ‘if I am wanted I will be there’, not saying yes or no. This is the first time they have seen each other since my pregnancy has been announced. MIL usually doesn’t respond to texts even from my mum or myself, it’s difficult to get hold of her but when DP texts she answers.

Why would MIL want to be at the birth and is it something I should allow even though it’s not my wishes?

Bit of background:

• Me and DP are pregnant with our first and due in a couple of months

• MIL is known to be quite controlling and she does get quite involved when it comes to my DP (who is her youngest of 2 son’s)- she comments on his hair and clothes around me and how nice he looks all the time (he is 32)

-She doesn’t have a close relationship with me at all but it’s always been that way. Sends cards on DP’s behalf without me knowing putting his name in it and not mine.

• She also has not really bought anything for her new Grandchild due soon except a couple of hand me downs from previous grandchildren, not really made an effort towards me in my pregnancy.

• I last saw her beginning of Feb this year. Has not made an attempt to see me in my pregnancy at all.

• DP’s job involves having to pick up metalwork from his parent’s house as they run their own metalwork supply business. So his mum sees him a couple of times a week, gives him lunch, without me having to bother them. Hence why she doesn’t reach out to me at all as she is still getting to see her son. I understand that but I wish her and FIL made an effort with us both or at least visited us in our home.

• MIL does not recongise us as a couple as we aren’t married. She will never admit this but it is obvious. When we announced we were pregnant she was pretty shocked as if it has knocked her world sideways.

I am worried now she is going to pressure DP into making her be at the birth. I am already genuinely terrified and only wanted my DP and my mother their to hold my hand, they are the closest two people to me in my whole life and having them their would help me due to a risk of couple of compilations for me anyway.

She has said to DP if she is not at the birth then she will wait in the waiting room!!?? DP told me this and apparently has agreed. I didn’t even know our hospital had a waiting room as far as I knew!! I am now scared because as soon as I have the baby she is going to turn up without my control. I wanted to spend the time with DP bonding and getting use to becoming parents. We also wanted to try breastfeeding her now I feel we wont have a chance due to MIL barging in. Is there anyway I can inform the midwives or shove on my birth plan that I don’t want any visitors after?

Do I have any control over this? I am wondering whether to chat to my midwife about how I am feeling about all this. I am feeling quite low about all this and this supposed to be the happiest time for myself and DP and all we have had is pressure. Am I the nasty one here?

I would make no bones about telling him explicitly that as his mother can’t bring herself to speak to your face, then there is no way in hell you want her around to see your boobs and vagina hanging out. (This includes home. Visits will depend on you and your sleep schedule, and can be vetoed by you at short notice.) *Also explain that if she already loathes you, imagine how much worse it would be if she heard the language used while the tear between your vagina and a-hole gets stitched back up. (Really hoping that doesn’t happen, but you said he’s scared of messy and stabby medical things. Let him think about why the wife gets to make these decisions.)

I really hate this idea that the dad’s mum must wait until invited, while the mum’s mum is either invited in to the birthing room or gets to meet baby much sooner after the birth

Whereas I totally understand it.

My mum has seen every millimeter of my body, has touched it, washed it, salved it, soothed it, dressed it, loved it. She is my mother. If I need the comfort of a mother she is the person I will reach out for.

MIL is/was not my mother. She has never seen me naked, has only touched me in socially appropriate ways, does not know me well, is not a source of comfort to me and so and would not be able to offer me the same intimate comfort my own mother could.

Just as DH might have reached out to her had he been in fear or in pain he wouldn't have reached out to my mother. Why would any woman giving birth for the first time be expected to act against her natural incliniations?

.... and of course, if needs be, reiterate to him that the basis upon which you're insisting on your wishes being respected (by him, his mum and everyone else) is that YOU are the one giving birth. This is not about favouring one granny over another, but about YOU having appropriate support at an extremely vulnerable time. Things can go wrong, births often don't go to plan.

If you sense he doesn't guite get that, you could take him along to your next midwife appt and get them to explain that to him. BTW, has he been to any form of antenatal class with you yet?

I think you need to reiterate to your dp that if your MIL wants a relationship with YOUR child she needs to start to foster a civil relationship with YOU, at the very least.

OP, I agree that you need to make it clear that he needs to deliver the message clearly to his mum. The ‘going quiet’ response can mean two things - either he’s worried about telling his mum and starting to think about how he’ll do it it , or he doesn’t want to engage with it and is hoping you’ll back down or forget or something will take the job off his hands etc hospital doesn’t let her
in.
This thing about both mums having equal access to the new born is clearly important for some people - I had to explain to my DH (not about us, but years later) why it is not equal. He clearly hadn’t considered this from the point of view of the birthing mother. But we had no visitors at all that first day - for either of ours.

@JulyDreams

Here's what you do

Before you give birth, set up a Whatsapp group with all your's and your DP's nearest and dearest - parents, siblings etc.

Say on there something like

'Hi everyone, we'll announce the birth of the baby on here and share photos. When we are all safely home we'll arrange for you to come round and meet the baby. See you x'

If MIL says 'I want to go to hospital' - just say no, we'd like everyone, apart from birth support people to meet the baby at our home

Just be blunt! "DH, your ma is not coming to the birth. If you push it, you won't be coming either. End of discussion".
It's that simple

I think I’d drop it for now and give the subject of his dm a wide berth for a while.

But I would get him talking about his expectations of fatherhood, his own experiences, what he would like to take from his birth family’s traditions and what he hopes to do differently. Get him talking, rather than telling him.

He needs to experience himself as a dad. Men don’t get there as fast because the reality of the baby isn’t felt until the birth. Your life has already been impacted. Get him talking because it will help him grow in his identity as a parent.

Right now his identity as a son is strong and probably where he defaults to unknowingly. But there are probably things he would like to do differently (and don’t worry if there aren’t because real children are very different than imaginary ones).

The ‘going quiet’ response can mean two things - either he’s worried about telling his mum and starting to think about how he’ll do it it , or he doesn’t want to engage with it and is hoping you’ll back down or forget or something will take the job off his hands etc hospital doesn’t let her in

From experience, my money would very much be on the second one - as with "don't tell her OP's in labour" does anyone seriously imagine he'd risk the sh1tstorm MIL could well create if he doesn't?

I don't disagree with all the suggestions of what to tell DP, but there comes a time to do the protecting yourself and for OP I'd say this is pretty much it

Fuck this. In normal circumstances dp would support and stand up for you. He isn't. So you are going to have to do it.

Send her a message
"Mil. Dp informs me that you wish to be at the birth. Given that you choose not to have a relationship with me, I'm sure you can appreciate that I do not wish you to attend a very dangerous and intimate medical procedure I will be having. Additionally, all visits to the baby, once I have safely recovered, will be done at home. Dp will notify you of the labour if you wish, and then he will be in touch when the baby arrives. He will then let everyone know when we are ready for visitors. Please do not turn up at the hospital - we have told everyone in the family that we will see people once me and the baby are home"

I really hate this idea that the dad’s mum must wait until invited, while the mum’s mum is either invited in to the birthing room or gets to meet baby much sooner after the birth

Well in my case my MIL could have tried having a relationship with me before I was pregnant & at that point deciding that we must be "best friends".

Also I didn't mind my Mum seeing me emotional & trying to bfeed.

My FIL announced at one visit that he "didn't mind" that I was bfeeding!

As my husband pointed out-it wasn't actually about him!

Hi all

Will catch up on the new comments soon thanks for taking the time to read my post.

Thinking of sending this to MIL a week/ 2 weeks before.

(We will call my DP Mark)

Hi xx

I may not see you before baby is here now but I just wanted to let you know what me and Mark have decided to do in regards to my birth plan. We have agreed Mark will be at hospital with me as my birth partner and I will have my Mum with me also as a companion and during labour.

Me, Mark and baby will be home hopefully soon after and we wanted to spend some time bonding and having some time to ourselves first and then we would like yourself and FIL to come over and see her as soon as you want to. It would be nice to start having visits in our home environment and not in hospital. Hope you can understand.

... So really if she turns up that's going against my wishes? If I send the message I've by passed DP and got my say.

I like that @BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz I need to take some parts out of yours and add to my text to her.

@Pipsquiggle will do a WhatsApp group with MIL and DP nester the time I'm thinking

Nearer*

She's a bully, he's spineless so you are going to have to be very clear with both of them.

Personally I'd say. "I'm not having visitors at the hospital. When we're ready we'll invite you over"

Who is present at the birth is none of her business and doesn't need explaining. She's not your friend or your boss. Although she thinks she is the latter. Don't feed that idea. It's time for the dynamic to change.

For the love of god - do NOT put in your text 'You can come over as soon as you want to'

They can come over at a time that is convenient to you

Don’t send her any texts.

Text YOUR PARTNER and ask him when is is going to tell his mother what you two have agreed. Tell him that if he chickens out of telling his mother and she turns up at the hospital, the staff will turn her away. And that you will send her this text exchange to prove to her that he agreed to tell her and didn’t.

So all the embarrassment / anger will be HIS FAULT because he lied to you.

If he can’t stand up for you now he’s unlikely to stand up for you and baby later. Think hard about that. Do you want him at the birth ? Do you really ?

I would not send anything at all, or even ask DP to send something until closer to the time. Just make sure DP knows your wishes, and keep it as breezy as possible.

'We'll let you know when we have something to share' is usually enough to keep people satisfied.
If she persists, your DP can remind her how the body needs to recover and bonding is vital.

Courage.

I think it is an excellent idea that you text him and ask him has he told his mother what you have discussed re the birth...reiterating what you have agreed.
This is a good record.

The WhatsApp group is a good idea, perhaps on for his side only.

This is not a nice woman.

Stand your ground.
He doesn't sound like he has your back.

Be so careful of giving this baby his name and you not married.

With weak men, dominated by their mother, inevitable cracks in the relationships surface when children arrive.

With weak men, dominated by their mother, inevitable cracks in the relationships surface when children arrive.

This ^^

What about ´and when we’re settled at home and feeling ready. we’d like you and FIL to be our first visitors’ - an Olive branch and making it clear you are in control of when you decide to start having visitors post-birth.

Absolutely remove the “As soon as you want to” part. They will be waiting at the door when you get home. You also need to add something about calling to see if it’s a good time to visit and no dropping in so you and baby can sleep.

I think a message to MIL stating that she should not “decide” to come to the hospital as you have decided that only DP and your Mum will be with you at the birth and no other visitors will be allowed in. This clear, concise and can’t be misinterpreted to suit her agenda. If she shows up and is refused entry, that’s her stupid decision.

Agree with removing 'as soon as you want to' - given 'as soon as you want to' currently means being present at the birth, without a doubt they will probably be on your doorstep as you arrive home from hospital.

I would simply say that you and DP want some time to settle in at home and will be in touch as soon as you're ready for visitors. That leaves it fairly flexible should you need time for recovery, as well as allowing you and DP to get into the swing of being new parents (which is all consuming, especially in the first few days).

The first few days were such a blur l really struggled to keep up with calls and messages, so even if MIL does pester you to confirm a day/time to visit you might find that once LO is here that this really drops to the bottom of your priorities.

Why isn't 'Mark' sending this? It's his mum.