MIL strange question

[JulyDreams]

So sorry this is so long but thanks to anyone who can read this or at least offer a listening sympathetic ear (or eye!) Just wanted a bit of an opinion really.

MIL bumped into my Mum when out shopping apparently a couple of days ago, Mum updated me on this. Mum said it was very nice to see her etc and they exchanged pleasantries. However MIL asked my Mother a very odd question (is it odd?) she said ‘Will you be at the birth?’

What is she getting at?

My Mum responded ‘if I am wanted I will be there’, not saying yes or no. This is the first time they have seen each other since my pregnancy has been announced. MIL usually doesn’t respond to texts even from my mum or myself, it’s difficult to get hold of her but when DP texts she answers.

Why would MIL want to be at the birth and is it something I should allow even though it’s not my wishes?

Bit of background:

• Me and DP are pregnant with our first and due in a couple of months

• MIL is known to be quite controlling and she does get quite involved when it comes to my DP (who is her youngest of 2 son’s)- she comments on his hair and clothes around me and how nice he looks all the time (he is 32)

-She doesn’t have a close relationship with me at all but it’s always been that way. Sends cards on DP’s behalf without me knowing putting his name in it and not mine.

• She also has not really bought anything for her new Grandchild due soon except a couple of hand me downs from previous grandchildren, not really made an effort towards me in my pregnancy.

• I last saw her beginning of Feb this year. Has not made an attempt to see me in my pregnancy at all.

• DP’s job involves having to pick up metalwork from his parent’s house as they run their own metalwork supply business. So his mum sees him a couple of times a week, gives him lunch, without me having to bother them. Hence why she doesn’t reach out to me at all as she is still getting to see her son. I understand that but I wish her and FIL made an effort with us both or at least visited us in our home.

• MIL does not recongise us as a couple as we aren’t married. She will never admit this but it is obvious. When we announced we were pregnant she was pretty shocked as if it has knocked her world sideways.

I am worried now she is going to pressure DP into making her be at the birth. I am already genuinely terrified and only wanted my DP and my mother their to hold my hand, they are the closest two people to me in my whole life and having them their would help me due to a risk of couple of compilations for me anyway.

She has said to DP if she is not at the birth then she will wait in the waiting room!!?? DP told me this and apparently has agreed. I didn’t even know our hospital had a waiting room as far as I knew!! I am now scared because as soon as I have the baby she is going to turn up without my control. I wanted to spend the time with DP bonding and getting use to becoming parents. We also wanted to try breastfeeding her now I feel we wont have a chance due to MIL barging in. Is there anyway I can inform the midwives or shove on my birth plan that I don’t want any visitors after?

Do I have any control over this? I am wondering whether to chat to my midwife about how I am feeling about all this. I am feeling quite low about all this and this supposed to be the happiest time for myself and DP and all we have had is pressure. Am I the nasty one here?

Be prepared for her to be arranging for your dp to be bringing baby over to see her whenever she asks, for her to be demanding baby sleepovers, and for you to be left out of any discussions regarding this.
This is why you need to speak to her directly before the birth.
Don't you feel utterly pissed off that your dp hasn't sorted this all by now, that his mother continues to treat you like a second class citizen, that he continues to allow this horrible dynamic to continue?

OP, if you possibly can, breastfeed. That will stop her taking your baby away from you, and mean there is no question of overnight stays at Grandmas until you are ready. And buy a sling to keep baby close

Stop calling her or texting her. It’s not your job to keep in touch , it’s your partners.

When he has time off work, does he spend it visiting your mum? If not then don’t waste your maternity leave visitinG or having visits from his mum. Especially when she is so vile to you.

And don’t contact her to tell her what you want after birth, it’s your partner job to tell her, not yours. Stop doing all the dogsbody work for him.

I honestly feel I don't trust for him to tell her things I need him to. There have been instances in the past where he either hasn't as he doesn't want the confrontation and she has still ended up doing something we have decided we don't want to happen. As this was so important to me I was thinking of dropping her a message a couple of days or a week before I'm due as it's unlikely i will see her before.

Exactly what I wanted to try and do. And the sling I have ready

It's not about giving one grandparent priority in meeting the baby. It's about giving the woman who is giving birth the support she needs in what can be the most emotionally and physically demanding experience of her life.

Op it sounds to me as if you need to put in some major boundaries (walls!) And work on your confidence. Its your body and the birthing of your baby - not a choice for MIL regardless of what she thinks or wants.
Also.......... this is just the first of an endless list of ways your MIL (and your mother) will offer opinions on things to do with baby - its name, how you feed it, what it wears, overnight stays, when to wean etc.......... and thats just a few of the dilemmas and opportunities for someone with opinions to trample all over you...... in baby's first year alone - you'll be raising your child for 2 decades plus so its key to start as you mean to go on. Assert yourself. Good luck! xx

Just keep reminding your husband that those are your wishes before your birth.
Had my second 8 weeks ago and no other visitors apart from your partner were allowed to visit after the birth due to covid rules so hopefully it will still be the same for you and she won't be allowed in.

So she never comes round or rings?

But will visit to see the baby? Even though she's slightly rude to you. How strange.

You know you need to spell this out for your DP. "You must let your Mum know I'm not having visitors at the hospital" "have you done that?" Don't skirt around this. It's time to make yourself explicitly clear.

I also have a call scheduled with my midwife in a couple of days to discuss my concerns without DP being present

Sounds like an ideal opportunity, OP

It's worrying that you can't trust your DP to speak to his mother and suggests you've got a lot more of this to come. Personally I wouldn't message her about it as she may see this as a challenge; instead I'd just make your wishes clear on your notes and leave the hospital to deal with it - as PPs have mentioned it's well known to them

That said, I really hate this idea that the dad’s mum must wait until invited, while the mum’s mum is either invited in to the birthing room or gets to meet baby much sooner after the birth

I understand that you don’t like the idea. But that’s biology - women give birth not men. The woman is the patient, not the man.

And it’s also the law in the UK. In this case the OPs mother is in fact also her next of kin. And the baby’s father has no legal rights whatsoever until they register the birth.

And it’s also good practice in the NHS to have patient centred care.

So yeah I’m sorry if biology and women rights and patients rights upset you. But you’ll be pleased to know that there are plenty other countries where these things don’t exist - you could move there.

I don’t think her question to your mother was any demand or intention to be present at the birth, probably just something she said off the top of her head.
But you get to say who’s in the delivery room—- and it’s not a spectator sport!!!!
Its your choice at the time ( medical advice prevailing of course)

Re the not buying stuff for your baby. I didn’t buy anything for dgc pre birth. In fact dds and partners were given so much there wasn’t much for me to buy.

That said, I really hate this idea that the dad’s mum must wait until invited, while the mum’s mum is either invited in to the birthing room or gets to meet baby much sooner after the birth

You hate the idea that a woman in hospital who has just given birth should be able to choose who visits her?

Yes exactly that. It's baby she's interested in only, not myself but that was expected when we announced pregnancy.

Anytime she has come round she's text DP to ask only.

I've said to DP we are having no visitors and he said whatever you want and whatever is on your birth plan... makes me wonder if something is under the sheets but I'm trying not to think too much into it now and stress myself out.

The more you write about your mummy's boy manchild of a partner the more I get concerned about your future.

He should be stepping up to support you, not running back to mummy and obeying her every command.

I think tonight's conversation was a good opener but I think you need to build on it and be very firm. Ie, not telling her when you are in labour, being explicit she won't be able to hang around at the hospital. I think you need a full and frank discussion on this and make the point that he never wants to upset his mum, but it's at a cost to you and as a dad, it will no longer be tolerated.

Can you tell your husband that under no circumstances whatsoever is he to tell anyone apart from your mother when you go into labour?

I think you need to have the conversation again and explain the harm it will do to your trust and relationship if he isn't taking you seriously about all this.

And that he needs to have your back and put you first for the same reasons

@Trivester has this - ‘I’d be making clear to your dp that his presence at the birth is entirely contingent on him being an asset.’

You are preparing for a moment that will change your life forever more. All of this ‘trying on for size’ about how you want things to be & what you need is good stuff, lots of rehearsal & scenario setting bringing out your preferences & trepidations.

Would you consider setting up an option for a few days after you are home either having your mum stay with you or all three of you staying with her?
Just for support. Not a promise, just an option that you may/may not take up as you leave hospital or get home. All assuming that your mum is amenable to this idea.

Having this option & your own mum nearby may reassure you that MiL cannot trample DH’s boundaries when he is getting used to being a dad, because she’ll be a guest & your mum will gently have your back.

It is most unfortunate that DH has not figured out his part in the relationship triangle of you, him & MiL. Where is his father in all of this? Is he about? Does he stand his ground ? Maintain healthy boundaries?

So... If it were me I would check in with DP this week on whether he has updated his mum re no visitors in hospital. If he hasn't (which I expect he won't have, based on your posts), I would ask him when he is going to or set a deadline.

I would check back in on this date, and if he still hasn't updated his mum I would do it myself. It should be up to DP to do this, but it doesn't sound like you have much to lose in regards to that relationship, and you want to make sure there is 100% clarity on this before you go into labour (ideally ASAP since you don't need the stress).

He is a mummy's boy, & won't say she can't come.
So the best plan is for you to tell him, that there are x visitors permitted due to Covid, & those are him & your mother.
If he starts "its my baby too & my mother".
You can reply that she already treats you as a second rate citizen, steam rollers over your wishes & refuses to speak to you. As you are not married.
She is not welcome.
He may not like it, but its not him pushing a baby out of his fanny.
Oh & if he doesn't let go of mummy's skirt, & start supporting You, the person he is supposed to love, have created a child with & hopefully will spend his life with, then your relationship is doomed.
Grown ups leave the nest & make their own, without their domineering mummy

I really hate this idea that the dad’s mum must wait until invited, while the mum’s mum is either invited in to the birthing room or gets to meet baby much sooner after the birth

Under normal circumstances I'd agree, but a MIL who goes out of her way not to talk to OP and has raised a manchild isn't my idea of normal

It's also why OP "insisting" he tells MIL this and that has limited use. After all she can hardly check what's been said with MIL, and since the DP clearly puts her first he could easily lie

Oh & if he doesn't let go of mummy's skirt, & start supporting You, the person he is supposed to love, have created a child with & hopefully will spend his life with, then your relationship is doomed.

I agree.

The one and only time my late MIL was rude to me (caused by her dementia) DH said to her "don't you dare talk to my wife like that".

Your partner should be telling (not asking) his mother to be civil towards you. At the moment you are just an incubator to her. However, as the baby's mother you have control over how often, or if, she can see her grandchild.

This is about the needs of a patient whose body is undergoing a major medical trauma, not a competition between grown-arse adults as to who gets the 'first' meetings with the baby. In the expected life-cycle there will be a lifetime available to forge that bond, and it's guaranteed the baby won't either care or remember.

Labour is a serious business, not a spectator sport. I'd never in any circumstances agree to having my partner's family with me in delivery, unless I happened to be so exceptionally close to my MiL that I didn't mind her seeing me in a vulnerable state of agony, sweating, shitting, and bleeding, with my feet up in stirrups and my growler on show for all to see.

I'd have no issue at all with with my mum seeing me in such a condition.

My MiL? No. It's a wholly unreasonable expectation.

OP, your chat with DP last night was a good start, but you don't sound convinced that he'll follow through. How about this for a course of action:

1. Follow up with another conversation this evening, now that he is on side 'in principle'. Get him to agree the details: a tight deadline (a week?) for telling his mum she won't be visiting until YOU say so; agree a news blackout when you go into labour and /or no mobile phones in labour suite. If he cannot be relied upon to follow through and respect your wishes 100%, you would rather have your sister as birth partner.


2. Check in again with DP on said deadline. If still no assurances from him, write her a letter / email yourself clearly stating your wishes (she will not be told the moment you go into labour; no live updates; no visiting until you say so). I would avoid entering into a phone call or whatsapp message exchange about this. Just a one-way letter which she can respond to in a similar way if she wants to.


3. In the meantime, speak to your midwife about this. Tell her everything you've told us. It's probably more common than you think and they would have dealt with all sorts of tricky family situations. She might have some other practical advice / measures.

Keep your mum and sister informed, and then try to relax and rest up!