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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husbands female friend being too much

279 replies

Mrstiggywinkle44 · 23/05/2022 13:01

Been married 4 years, me 40 Dh 43, ww have 3 children

About a month ago DH got to know this bisexual woman at work. Shes single.

Anyway, at first she started tagging along to the gym with him. Then things became more obvious that she fancies him.
Shes been:

Ringing him daily, voice messaging, texting daily, even when hes at home with me, at night, and first thing,

asking him for favours all the time in her garden, house, doing jobs for her, hes been going there to do stuff for her
Shes played the damsel in distress when an incident happened at work, (warehouse work) she rang him again for attention, when she could of rung anyone, like her mum, other work colleagues etc

She asked him in a disciplinary with her as support

Shes constantly all over him on fb
Shes been rude and standoffish to me when I met her once

And most infuriatingly is shes been sending him pictures of stuff which look innocent but slyly, to me it stands out such as of her legs, with her dog sat on them, but its clearly showing her legs off and it looks definitely intentional. Other things have been going on also which are suspicious to me.

Yes, I have had it out with him over it and he genuinely seemed shocked that i thought that way and said shes just one of the lads/a mate/ friends and he gets no vibes off her shes attracted to him. Ive asked him to back off/cut her off and he hasn't .

Am I over reacting to it/being unreasonable??? Its really really pissing me off. I dont want to act like the possessive wife, yes he can have female friends but this is blatantly taking the absolute mick. Its really hurtful and I feel like I'm going to lose my s* over it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrstiggywinkle44 · 07/06/2022 09:07

Another update sorry but I have no where else to rant
So last night he was tagged in something on Instagram by her and his work colleagues actively joked about him flirting with her and he laughed at the comment and joined in, right in front of my eyes. If I say anything it will just be banter. Hes taking the complete and utter fucking piss now

But that comment alone tells me all I need to know. How embarrassing

OP posts:
Herejustforthisone · 07/06/2022 09:14

He has to go. His disrespect is outrageous.

CounsellorTroi · 07/06/2022 09:27

He needs to be told, in no uncertain terms, that his behaviour (and hers) is threatening your marriage and that if he allows it to continue he is going to lose you.

That is if you want the marriage to continue. I would not blame you if you didn’t.

newnamethanks · 07/06/2022 09:43

OP, your marriage is over and they are now playing with you. Sort yourself out so you're not left high and dry if they decide to put things on a firmer footing. Meanwhile, time for you to have an evening out leaving him at home with kids. Glam up. Go out, with friend if possible but even if you have to sit in a cinema alone, go. Have a drink on the way home. Tell him you've been out with friends and he needs to keep Saturday free as you'll be doing it again. Go to bed. Don't discuss it further with him. Or, just LTB. He's not the man for you.

SouperNoodle · 07/06/2022 15:10

How disgusting. OP, I'd walk.
Please do not give him the satisfaction of seeing you upset/angry/shocked.
Completely stone wall him and her.

Iamnotamermaid · 07/06/2022 17:35

OP you deserve so much better than this. FlowersSorry you are going through this but maybe time to start thinking how to cut lose & develop an exit strategy. He is not listening to you, been completely disrespectful and behaving like a teenager with zero responsibilities, not a father of 3.

He has made his choice. Now you need to make yours.

BackToTheTop · 07/06/2022 17:41

He's showing you no respect at all!

Alb0 · 07/06/2022 18:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Rogue1001MNer · 07/06/2022 19:12

Neither nice nor necessary @Alb0

Life doesn't have to follow your timetable

Rogue1001MNer · 07/06/2022 19:16

@Mrstiggywinkle44

There's a current thread in active which has similarities to your situation, although from a male perspective. I'll link it in a sec in case you want to see it.

But this comment from a poster on that thread reminded me of your situation:-

You certainly shouldn't issue an ultimatum telling her who she can and can't hang out with, be friend with, but you certainly should set boundaries for yourself.

There is a subtle difference between saying...

"I don't want you to be around this person." "You can't be friend with this person."

and...

"I can't be in a relationship where I feel disrespected by my partner."

Badger1970 · 07/06/2022 20:44

I can see where @Alb0 is coming from, albeit a little blunt. Nothing from your updates OP show that he has listened to a word you've said, sadly.

You just want him to listen to and acknowledge that his behaviour is hurting you. But he isn't going to. He's openly flirting with another woman not only in front of his wife but his work colleagues too.

As much as this hurts right now, it's only going to get worse. You must see that.

Original poster
Mrstiggywinkle44 · 07/06/2022 20:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I dont think so somehow!!! How about being kind or just go away or not comment??? I have no where else to offload.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrstiggywinkle44 · 07/06/2022 20:59

I'm now hiding the post, thanks for all the supportive comments, im dealing with this how I am and came on here to offload and im not attention seeking . I have autism so this is a big deal to me, and you can't just up and fucking leave when you have kids.

OP posts:
TruthHertz · 07/06/2022 21:01

DogsAndGin · 23/05/2022 14:03

I don’t think this is very god advice; the burden isn’t on OP to ‘win’ back her own husband 🤷🏼‍♀️ she doesn’t need to tempt him to treat her with respect - he should already treat her with respect.

Besides, didn’t you just post on another thread:

”My hubby doesnt wont me 😢it puts a real strain on our relationship”

Show quote history

Agreed.

Who wants to know that the only reason their hubby didn't cheat on them was because they removed the opportunity for him to.

Original poster
Mrstiggywinkle44 · 07/06/2022 21:02

Rogue1001MNer · 07/06/2022 19:16

@Mrstiggywinkle44

There's a current thread in active which has similarities to your situation, although from a male perspective. I'll link it in a sec in case you want to see it.

But this comment from a poster on that thread reminded me of your situation:-

You certainly shouldn't issue an ultimatum telling her who she can and can't hang out with, be friend with, but you certainly should set boundaries for yourself.

There is a subtle difference between saying...

"I don't want you to be around this person." "You can't be friend with this person."

and...

"I can't be in a relationship where I feel disrespected by my partner."

Thank you 💕

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrstiggywinkle44 · 07/06/2022 21:03

Badger1970 · 07/06/2022 20:44

I can see where @Alb0 is coming from, albeit a little blunt. Nothing from your updates OP show that he has listened to a word you've said, sadly.

You just want him to listen to and acknowledge that his behaviour is hurting you. But he isn't going to. He's openly flirting with another woman not only in front of his wife but his work colleagues too.

As much as this hurts right now, it's only going to get worse. You must see that.

Yes I do thank you I know this

OP posts:
Badger1970 · 07/06/2022 21:06

Don't feel you can't post, OP.

You need to offload what's in your head. You're among friends here.

Maisa45 · 07/06/2022 21:13

OP please don't feel that you have to hide the thread. I certainly don't think you're attention seeking. I know it's easy for strangers on the Internet to tell you to up and leave but the reality isn't that simple.

Original poster
Mrstiggywinkle44 · 07/06/2022 21:22

Thanks. Its probably better in the relationship forum now instead of on here. Not sure how to have it moved.

When I posted i wanted lots of opinions etc and the vote

Def not attention seeking, I know plenty of those sorts
Thanks Badger xx

OP posts:
RandomMess · 07/06/2022 21:31

I think you need support, it's upsetting just reading what he's putting you through so I can't imagine how difficult this is for you Flowers

Tallisker · 07/06/2022 21:54

@Mrstiggywinkle44

If you report your opening post to MNHQ and ask this to be moved to the Relationships board, that may be a kinder space for you to get stuff off your chest. But I think only one poster was mean, most of us really feel for you and want you to be able to cope with your situation.

Good luck - and do keep posting if you want or need to, there are loads listening to you Flowers

Original poster
Mrstiggywinkle44 · 07/06/2022 21:56

Tallisker · 07/06/2022 21:54

@Mrstiggywinkle44

If you report your opening post to MNHQ and ask this to be moved to the Relationships board, that may be a kinder space for you to get stuff off your chest. But I think only one poster was mean, most of us really feel for you and want you to be able to cope with your situation.

Good luck - and do keep posting if you want or need to, there are loads listening to you Flowers

Thank you im going to have a look into it now
I agree xxx 💓

OP posts:
Alb0 · 07/06/2022 22:31

Mrstiggywinkle44 · 07/06/2022 20:59

I'm now hiding the post, thanks for all the supportive comments, im dealing with this how I am and came on here to offload and im not attention seeking . I have autism so this is a big deal to me, and you can't just up and fucking leave when you have kids.

It's not just about leaving. No one says you have to up and leave today (though you could demand he leaves and get some 'help' to heavy him out of the house). You've had advice and it seems like you're doing anything about it. It's frustrating that you're using this thread as basically a journal, instead of kicking out. Or like another poster said, give him an ultimatum, tell him he either stops communicating with her or your marriage is at stake. Call me blunt, call it tough like, but it's been 3 weeks and you haven't said what if anything you are doing to stop him treating you like dirt. You're very passive. Even if you gave him an ultimatum, that would be something. Anything. But it does feel frustrating when see someone hurting, give advice, and the person continues to post away about him but says nothing at all about what they plan to do. It's just so frustrating from our point of view. He is treating you like dirt and you won't even give him an ultimatum or anything, you're just taking it, then coming back to update us. It's just so incredibly frustrating and makes us feel like why do we bother helping. Because people do invest a lot to try to help people.

Alb0 · 07/06/2022 22:35

Btw I have Autism and I think in a linear manner, hence my posts.
This is the problem.
Ask advice.
Come up with a solution.
Advise what that solution is you've chosen.
Start putting it into place.

It makes sense to me like that. No one is suggesting you have to leave today but do you have any plan at all?