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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husbands female friend being too much

279 replies

Mrstiggywinkle44 · 23/05/2022 13:01

Been married 4 years, me 40 Dh 43, ww have 3 children

About a month ago DH got to know this bisexual woman at work. Shes single.

Anyway, at first she started tagging along to the gym with him. Then things became more obvious that she fancies him.
Shes been:

Ringing him daily, voice messaging, texting daily, even when hes at home with me, at night, and first thing,

asking him for favours all the time in her garden, house, doing jobs for her, hes been going there to do stuff for her
Shes played the damsel in distress when an incident happened at work, (warehouse work) she rang him again for attention, when she could of rung anyone, like her mum, other work colleagues etc

She asked him in a disciplinary with her as support

Shes constantly all over him on fb
Shes been rude and standoffish to me when I met her once

And most infuriatingly is shes been sending him pictures of stuff which look innocent but slyly, to me it stands out such as of her legs, with her dog sat on them, but its clearly showing her legs off and it looks definitely intentional. Other things have been going on also which are suspicious to me.

Yes, I have had it out with him over it and he genuinely seemed shocked that i thought that way and said shes just one of the lads/a mate/ friends and he gets no vibes off her shes attracted to him. Ive asked him to back off/cut her off and he hasn't .

Am I over reacting to it/being unreasonable??? Its really really pissing me off. I dont want to act like the possessive wife, yes he can have female friends but this is blatantly taking the absolute mick. Its really hurtful and I feel like I'm going to lose my s* over it.

OP posts:
Herejustforthisone · 03/06/2022 21:14

It’s not better at all, OP. He’s made no changes and is just hiding more.

He’s putting her before you. Fuck that. Bin him. Show him you’re serious.

Maisa45 · 03/06/2022 22:18

Herejustforthisone · 03/06/2022 21:14

It’s not better at all, OP. He’s made no changes and is just hiding more.

He’s putting her before you. Fuck that. Bin him. Show him you’re serious.

Yes, I'd say it's actually worse. I'd be telling him to get out and let him know you're serious. He's completely disrespecting you.

Badger1970 · 03/06/2022 22:19

He's just going undercover now, that's all that has changed.

I'd be very worried here, OP, as there is probably good reason to suspect an affair. It's not that he won't cut contact, he can't.

MsDogLady · 03/06/2022 22:31

Hes said he’s going to cut her off….and said he will back off and stop contact etc.

Tiggy, he lied to you. He has not cut off OW at all. They still have an
over-frequent, inappropriate level of contact. He is making a mockery of your feelings and your marriage.

This is emotional infidelity and disloyalty, Tiggy. He needs to be held accountable with consequences.

MissStarry · 05/06/2022 14:11

So he’s gone from overtly highly disrespectful to deceitful…?

And his apparent recognition of your stance has just meant he continues as before but hides his role in it from you?

So from being swept up in this new relationship with blatant disregard to you, now to outright deception and continuing anyway after acknowledging that you are right to be upset?

That’s not an improvement, that’s worse. Sorry OP

Original poster
Mrstiggywinkle44 · 05/06/2022 18:04

I know, its ridiculous im fkn fed up of it now

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 05/06/2022 18:14

My anxiety is really bad at the moment and this whole thing is getting me down

I'm really sorry to hear this, OP, but sadly (and speaking from experience) it's unlikely to be improved by staying with someone you know you can't trust

Unfortunately, if you say anything else now, he'll almost certainly try to make it all your fault for "nagging him". Now you've said your piece and he's ignored it there may be no point in saying any more anyway, but whether or not to go on living like this is a decision only you can make

Cazareeto1 · 05/06/2022 18:40

This sends a huge red flag with his unwillingness to see from your point of view, I’d get her number and ask her over for dinner.. and see how the body language between them is, and take matters from there. Don’t loose ur shit keep calm and overly nice. And if you smell a rat take her a side and explain that she is causing issues with in your marriage as it isn’t right to ask a married man to help so much and to txt and call first thing in the morning/last at night as that is something a partner would do. Explain that you find it very disrespectful of her and she needs to maybe ask one of her other friends to help Ashe has family commitments with kids. Kids are getting upset he spending so much time with her

phoneybaloney · 05/06/2022 20:11

I'm so sad for you reading these updates. I'm not sure of your situation but in your shoes I'd be preparing to either tell him to fuck off or leave myself. Perhaps it's time to take some advice on what would happen if you split.

Also - perhaps you could access some counselling. For you. Not as a couple. He's a knob who's gaslighting you while he puts his own and this woman's feelings above yours.

DrGoogleSaysSo · 05/06/2022 20:40

He's very disrespectful towards you OP. I don't even think that he's worth to fight for.

Original poster
Mrstiggywinkle44 · 05/06/2022 22:17

Thanks all
I'm just really upset I can't even communicate with him properly either theres fuck all of that too in this so called marriage.
His mind is elsewhere and there's a horrible atmosphere when hes home, mainly my feelings as I'm so unhappy at the moment
I've even said to him tonight I feel really low at the moment about stuff (other stuff going on and my health) and his response was fuck all. He just sat there. More bothered about shit going on at work and her probably.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 05/06/2022 22:19

Perhaps you need to accept he's made his choice and it's not you and the marriage SadAngry

Original poster
Mrstiggywinkle44 · 05/06/2022 22:21

I dont know hes the sort of bloke that would tell me.
I just think hes more interested in her and shit going on etc than the boring old wife who has health issues
I'm just getting an awful feeling and I dont like it. Either way I will find out soon. Im more clever than he thinks

OP posts:
Rogue1001MNer · 05/06/2022 22:56

I'm so sorry @Mrstiggywinkle44
It sounds very miserable

RandomMess · 05/06/2022 23:00
Flowers
FlissyPaps · 05/06/2022 23:06

Sorry this is going on, OP. I hope you are okay💐

I’m sure you’re not a “boring old wife”. You just need some support and he’s not giving it you. You deserve better than this.

Always trust your gut instinct, with whatever you’re feeling.

SmartCarDriver · 06/06/2022 03:05

This all sounds shit OP, so awful to live through. Flowers

Maisa45 · 06/06/2022 11:06

He is being a total shit. Do you even still want to be with him considering how he's behaving? I know it's not easy to just up and leave a marriage but do you even still like him? He's showing no care or concern for you at all.

TarasHarp55 · 06/06/2022 13:06

So sorry this is still going on Op. I agree with you that she is to blame as well as your husband. I'd put more blame on him but she's blatantly making a play for him. What we used to call a home wrecker.

I don't understand people who dismiss her part in this awful situation. She's not blameless at all. I could never put another woman through so much misery...Saying that though your husband is despicable to put you through this. They won't have any luck for what they're doing I've always found..

Original poster
Mrstiggywinkle44 · 06/06/2022 18:08

Another thing I think is weird about all this

Is this woman 2 times now has given me "gifts" the first one was a plant, the second a nature diary thing

wtf I dont even know her. This was a few weeks ago when all this started.

Am I correct in thinking that this is because she feels guilty she fancies my husband?? Or she's trying to look good to him??! It screams that to me

OP posts:
MissStarry · 06/06/2022 20:40

I doubt it’s guilt… probably a way of making her look good to him, being so thoughtful and generous and into nature etc. …and a way to ensure the balance is tipped in her favour if/when you kick off due to the inappropriate relationship.

eg “why does she have such a problem with me when I’ve made such an effort and bought her that diary and plant?” <said with princess Diana eyes> 👀

It’s a way of appearing sweet and possibly being sweet but it’s also surely a manipulative power game when you don’t know her and she’s in an intense connection/relationship with your husband.

I couldn’t imagine buying things for a new work colleague’s spouse I’d never met - it’s very weird and surely for his/her benefit.

Rogue1001MNer · 06/06/2022 20:43

I think it doesn't matter what the motives are.

Try not to give her headspace

Original poster
Mrstiggywinkle44 · 06/06/2022 20:43

MissStarry · 06/06/2022 20:40

I doubt it’s guilt… probably a way of making her look good to him, being so thoughtful and generous and into nature etc. …and a way to ensure the balance is tipped in her favour if/when you kick off due to the inappropriate relationship.

eg “why does she have such a problem with me when I’ve made such an effort and bought her that diary and plant?” <said with princess Diana eyes> 👀

It’s a way of appearing sweet and possibly being sweet but it’s also surely a manipulative power game when you don’t know her and she’s in an intense connection/relationship with your husband.

I couldn’t imagine buying things for a new work colleague’s spouse I’d never met - it’s very weird and surely for his/her benefit.

Thanks this is spot on.

Its so totally weird and suspicious

OP posts:
TarasHarp55 · 06/06/2022 20:57

I think it's her saying "hey I'm not after your husband. I'm just a friendly person, I even want to be friends with you"

Very crafty and manipulative.

GDT · 06/06/2022 22:08

no one, regardless of some other persons opinion...has the right to hurt you or be like a dictator and invalidate your feelings.... You need to protect yourself and your children, transfer any assets you can in your own accounts, sell valuables (especially his) and get ready for a continuation of his already proven disregard for you, your kids, your marriage... If he covered for her employment problems, try to find out who, where, what people involved in order to report his relationship to this person and how his backing of her was biased and potentially not to the benefit of the company, but his inappropriate relationship with her... Do not delay, your family needs fast action....and a quick call th a lawyer for help