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Original poster

Husbands female friend being too much

279 replies

Mrstiggywinkle44 · 23/05/2022 13:01

Been married 4 years, me 40 Dh 43, ww have 3 children

About a month ago DH got to know this bisexual woman at work. Shes single.

Anyway, at first she started tagging along to the gym with him. Then things became more obvious that she fancies him.
Shes been:

Ringing him daily, voice messaging, texting daily, even when hes at home with me, at night, and first thing,

asking him for favours all the time in her garden, house, doing jobs for her, hes been going there to do stuff for her
Shes played the damsel in distress when an incident happened at work, (warehouse work) she rang him again for attention, when she could of rung anyone, like her mum, other work colleagues etc

She asked him in a disciplinary with her as support

Shes constantly all over him on fb
Shes been rude and standoffish to me when I met her once

And most infuriatingly is shes been sending him pictures of stuff which look innocent but slyly, to me it stands out such as of her legs, with her dog sat on them, but its clearly showing her legs off and it looks definitely intentional. Other things have been going on also which are suspicious to me.

Yes, I have had it out with him over it and he genuinely seemed shocked that i thought that way and said shes just one of the lads/a mate/ friends and he gets no vibes off her shes attracted to him. Ive asked him to back off/cut her off and he hasn't .

Am I over reacting to it/being unreasonable??? Its really really pissing me off. I dont want to act like the possessive wife, yes he can have female friends but this is blatantly taking the absolute mick. Its really hurtful and I feel like I'm going to lose my s* over it.

OP posts:
DrManhattan · 23/05/2022 14:10

I wouldn't like this one bit. I don't think I have any good advice other than explain how you feel to your husband. Take care xx

DrManhattan · 23/05/2022 14:11

@yummyymummy1982 that's total cringe

Original poster
Mrstiggywinkle44 · 23/05/2022 14:14

FullBush · 23/05/2022 14:08

I'm sorry OP but you're fooling yourself if you want to apportion half the blame to this woman, because whatever she's doing, he is going along and encouraging it and she is not married to you, she doesn't owe you or your marriage one iota of respect. On the other hand, your husband is making a fool of himself a a complete mockery of your relationship if he thinks his behaviour is acceptable on any level.

What I don't understand is why you're trying to 'be nice and polite' about it all - do you usually let people disrespect you to such a degree?

I don't doubt that if you were regularly:
> going round to a male colleagues house (alone) to help him fix things.
> messaging and calling a male colleague morning and night.
> plastering messages over a male colleagues social media.

Your DH would be very happy with all that right? Nah.

Exactly this 100000% !!

But I wouldn't be doing that as I have respect for him. Hes taking the blatant piss.

I just have a lot on at the moment without this added stress and I appreciate the replies. Dont you worry hes going to get It from me But im trying to think and do it in the right way without coming across as the green eyed wifey

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrstiggywinkle44 · 23/05/2022 14:15

BowerOfBramble · 23/05/2022 14:09

She sounds awful but fundamentally you don't know her and she doesn't owe you anything. If you "warned her off" somehow it might just drive them closer together. HE is the one who needs to be told clearly: "I know you say that you're just friends but this relationship is deeply upsetting me. You can either prioritise this woman you met 4 weeks ago and carry on with what you're doing, or you can show me the love and respect I deserve as your wife by cutting all unnecessary contact with her. That means no contact outside work, no helping out at the weekends, and passing her on to someone else when she asks you for help if you can."

if he gets upset/angry just ask whether he really wants to put this relative stranger above you and your family? If he says he's just being mates ask him which of his male friends he's running to help and text at all hours, and point out that if he's telling himself this hasn't become very dodgy because he's attracted to her, then he's lying to himself.

Thank you for this reply spot on xx

OP posts:
Iamnotamermaid · 23/05/2022 14:15

Your dh needs to wind this in. She is doing all this as he is responding to it. He could be playing innocent & not seeing it but if you review the messages & phone calls, social media in one week it should become obvious.

He needs to mute her & hopefully she will get the message. She appears to have no qualms that he is a married man with dc, so it is up to him.

andtheycalledthewindmoriah · 23/05/2022 14:16

Why did she tell him her sexuality?

I find that people who announce their sexuality publicly are quite... sexual people.

Is she polyamorous also? Ask him.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/05/2022 14:19

Dont you worry hes going to get It from me But im trying to think and do it in the right way without coming across as the green eyed wifey

FGS, op, this has nothing to do with being jealous, so why encourage that tired, ridiculous narrative? Your husband is having a completely inappropriate relationship with another woman that is damaging your marriage. That's it, end of discussion. He knows what he's doing is wrong, and he's just gaslighting you.

rnsaslkih · 23/05/2022 14:21

This cool wife / jealous wife is an absolutely idiotic concept used to manipulate women.

You saw the problem. You stated the problem. He failed to understand or he failed to admit it. Therefore another conversation is needed and this time he needs to actually make a proper objective assessment of what’s going on and realise that he’s risking his marriage and family. Stupid stupid man. How does he think affairs start? Does he think that the first time people meet, they go off and shag in the stationery cupboard? No. It builds up, just like she is doing - laying foundations. Again. Stupid stupid vain man.

andtheycalledthewindmoriah · 23/05/2022 14:21

Marvellousmadness · 23/05/2022 13:48

Its not HER that is the problem
Its your husband

He is LOVING all the attention
And he is loving going to her house and doing stuff for her

Dont blame her. Blame your "d"h.
Because she might be the one fishing but HE is the one doing all the biting...

You're not giving this woman any agency. She is making a decision to treat this man as a boyfriend.

That doesn't imply the husband is blameless.

The woman is taking the piss but you can't influence her.

I'd be asking my husband

Is it okay if I get close to a male person and go to his house, help him with his DIY etc? (is it possible you strike up such a friendship at all and go for some nice coffee dates?)

If he says no I'd explore with him why not.
If he said yes I'd say okay then, thank you for letting me know. I'd say nothing further but I would freely make male friends and become close to them from then on. This is something I currently do not actively do, because I am a married woman.

ShandaLear · 23/05/2022 14:23

I have a male work friend. We get each other the odd coffee or lunch, and we chat about work stuff over messenger sometimes. We try to get projects where we can work together because we trust each other to do a good job. I have never been to his house, we have never sent each other pictures of our legs (boke) and we don’t spend the evening phoning and messaging each other. Your DH knows how you feel and is disrespecting you. He is encouraging her behaviour because he is enjoying it.

Highfivemum · 23/05/2022 14:24

To be honest some men just don’t see it. No idea wot your DH is like but I know a few years ago my DH and I were at a works event and this woman was trying her best to flirt with him. Laughing at all his jokes. Interrupting when I spoke. Then she sat next to him. My DH was oblivious. He was polite to her. I got up and went to side of room. Beckoned him over and said can you see what “”” is doing ? He hadnt a clue and I mean it. He didn’t. He was chatting to her like he always chats to everyone. So I said move seats and don’t engage. He answer
was .. sure I will and he did. She got message and that was it. Whether you DH is or isn’t aware is not really important. What is is he needs to act as soon as you voiced your feelings.

Herejustforthisone · 23/05/2022 14:25

yummyymummy1982 · 23/05/2022 13:27

Same thing happened to me!! 😡managed to get rid of that nasty rat quickly though - just had to show my husband what he would be missing out on! 😏

No. Please, please, please do not do what amounts to the ‘pick me’ dance. It’s degrading.

Your husband is enjoying the attention a lot and it’s time to make it plain it’s going to cost him his family if he puts his male ego before you.

cofingalthetime · 23/05/2022 14:26

ask him how he would feel if you were going over to your male-bisexual co-workder's house, and if he was ringing you constantly etc etc.

He sounds like he's flattered but it needs to be nipped in the bud.

At times like this I wish it were a movie, and you could do all kinds of revenge things to her, and tell her to "keep away from my man, get your hands off him" ha ha. Or do a trick on him somehow.

Badger1970 · 23/05/2022 14:29

If he loved you and respected you, you wouldn't even had had to say this out loud to him, it wouldn't have happened.

But you did verbalise it, and nothing has changed.

I wouldn't lower myself to ask him twice.

Watchkeys · 23/05/2022 14:30

If you don't trust him, you don't have a relationship. It doesn't matter who throws themselves at him.

Ecclesfreckles · 23/05/2022 14:31

Oh he loves the attention doesn't he? Bollocks he doesn't realise that she's far past the 'just work friend' line. Agree with posters, this has nothing to do with jealousy. He's encouraging an inappropriate and unhealthy dynamic with another woman that is spilling into your home. Your boundary is that he keeps the engagement at work, makes it very clear that she is not to contact him at home and that she doesn't lean heavily on him even professionally - as she could mess up his career if she is particularly vindictive. There's a reason boundaries exist at work - to protect both parties and keep things professional.

1nsertusername · 23/05/2022 14:33

I would be worried about the repercussions at work more than anything right now. Is he her superior? She could turn around and say anything if he is responding to messages and going around her house.

Does his work place have policies for work place relationships? He could potential loss his job.

He is being incredibly naive/stupid/disrespectful.

You are not being a green eye women,you are being an adult and recognising a behaviour in your husband that is threatening your family and marriage.

Unfortunately he has to recognise this too and change his behaviour. Most people do like their ego stroked in some way,but this is just pathetically cliched.

He needs his bubble burst. Can you go away for a few days and leave him with the children alone? You can have a think about what you want and he can face up to his responsibilities. If he was to go away he would no doubt gravitate towards her.

I'm so angry for you and the situation he has put you in.

gamerchick · 23/05/2022 14:34

Yes, I have had it out with him over it and he genuinely seemed shocked that i thought that way and said shes just one of the lads/a mate/ friends and he gets no vibes off her shes attracted to him. Ive asked him to back off/cut her off and he hasn't

Wait until he says she's like a sister. He's lying and even if he wasn't, he should be paying attention to what you're saying to him. He'd rather risk upsetting you than her. It needs spelling out.

GCRich · 23/05/2022 14:34

@Mrstiggywinkle44

im trying to think and do it in the right way without coming across as the green eyed wifey

Jealousy is worrying and checking up on him every time he leaves the house even though you've got no evidence of anything amiss.

Expecting your DP to behave in a way that makes it 100% clear that his wife is his sole priority, and that a new work colleague / acquaintance is really not, is more "bare minimum" than some high standard you're expecting out of jealousy.

Blueberrywitch · 23/05/2022 14:40

Don’t engage her at all! She is not your problem your husband is. I once tried to be the “cool wife” and my exDH repaid me with an affair. Listen to your spidey senses and tell him plain it’s you or her.

Nancydrawn · 23/05/2022 14:40

yummyymummy1982 · 23/05/2022 13:27

Same thing happened to me!! 😡managed to get rid of that nasty rat quickly though - just had to show my husband what he would be missing out on! 😏

Ew, no.

GreekGod · 23/05/2022 14:40

Just tell your DH for the last time to back off from her and not be so involved. If he refuses - you have a a problem with your husband. It's got nothing to do with her. I, personally would be highly suspicious if my DH acted this way with a woman from his work - I would certainly not like my DH doing odd jobs around a colleagues house.

Samarie123 · 23/05/2022 14:43

This exact same scenario happened to me when my EX H was cheating with a friend whom he said was a lesbian!!! (she wasn't)

He also showed me messages where she showed him her broken ankle, not just one ankle but her whole legs!
I asked him what else is she showing you?

Sorry to say it but he was cheating with her and it wouldn't surprise me if your DH is cheating too. Sorry to say.

Original poster
Mrstiggywinkle44 · 23/05/2022 14:43

1nsertusername · 23/05/2022 14:33

I would be worried about the repercussions at work more than anything right now. Is he her superior? She could turn around and say anything if he is responding to messages and going around her house.

Does his work place have policies for work place relationships? He could potential loss his job.

He is being incredibly naive/stupid/disrespectful.

You are not being a green eye women,you are being an adult and recognising a behaviour in your husband that is threatening your family and marriage.

Unfortunately he has to recognise this too and change his behaviour. Most people do like their ego stroked in some way,but this is just pathetically cliched.

He needs his bubble burst. Can you go away for a few days and leave him with the children alone? You can have a think about what you want and he can face up to his responsibilities. If he was to go away he would no doubt gravitate towards her.

I'm so angry for you and the situation he has put you in.

Thank you I fully agree and have thought about this also. And also the fact that she could lie and say something has gone on when it hasn't at all. I feel she could be like this

No, she is same level as him at work.

OP posts:
Roselilly36 · 23/05/2022 14:43

I agree, just not on at all. Tell him to end the relationship now, if he won’t there’s your answer. How would he be if this was the other way round, not happy I am sure!

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