Husbands female friend being too much

[Mrstiggywinkle44]

Been married 4 years, me 40 Dh 43, ww have 3 children

About a month ago DH got to know this bisexual woman at work. Shes single.

Anyway, at first she started tagging along to the gym with him. Then things became more obvious that she fancies him.
Shes been:

Ringing him daily, voice messaging, texting daily, even when hes at home with me, at night, and first thing,

asking him for favours all the time in her garden, house, doing jobs for her, hes been going there to do stuff for her
Shes played the damsel in distress when an incident happened at work, (warehouse work) she rang him again for attention, when she could of rung anyone, like her mum, other work colleagues etc

She asked him in a disciplinary with her as support

Shes constantly all over him on fb
Shes been rude and standoffish to me when I met her once

And most infuriatingly is shes been sending him pictures of stuff which look innocent but slyly, to me it stands out such as of her legs, with her dog sat on them, but its clearly showing her legs off and it looks definitely intentional. Other things have been going on also which are suspicious to me.

Yes, I have had it out with him over it and he genuinely seemed shocked that i thought that way and said shes just one of the lads/a mate/ friends and he gets no vibes off her shes attracted to him. Ive asked him to back off/cut her off and he hasn't .

Am I over reacting to it/being unreasonable??? Its really really pissing me off. I dont want to act like the possessive wife, yes he can have female friends but this is blatantly taking the absolute mick. Its really hurtful and I feel like I'm going to lose my s* over it.

Also the constant texing/voice messages/ calls unrelated to work are a huge red flag to me. I'm often what is considered a 'cool wife' on here but I ain't that cool.

At the very least, she doesn't care about your perception of her relationship with him, at the worst, he doesn't either!

I think it's time to ask him to leave and pack his bags. Maybe then he will realise this is serious.

You have to give him an ultimatum. Tell him he chooses his marriage or he chooses her, the homewrecker. But either he is to stop talking to her, or you're filing for divorce.

the ‘I can’t have any female friends’ line shows how ridiculous he’s being. This is nothing to do with platonic friendship. Does he have any male friends that constantly behave like this? Does he even have a relative that’s he’s constantly in touch with like this? Nope - it’s a woman ‘friend’ that he is investing most of his time and energy into entertaining, even when your, his, wife asks him rein it in. It’s not in any way a regular matey relationship that is occurring between them if they are messaging this often and getting angry and defensive about it.

I dont even text my best friend as much as that-yes he is gaslighting you

he wouldnt like another man doing the same to you calling for help so why should you be ok with it

I'm so sorry this is almost word for word how mine reacted. He left me for her then told everyone it was my fault for being controlling etc. I'd never once before in 17 years questioned anything he did in that way.

I'm so sorry. He's a total fucking dick.

How are you OP?

Could you try 'I am feeling threatened by your friendship, it is quite intense and I see behaviours that i would typically see from 2 people dating and flirting. Then ask whether he has any intention to dial it down or continue as it is.
His reply will help you with some clarity and then work out what you would be comfortable with.

For what it's worth, he isn't giving you the respect you deserve. It's not controlling to have feelings like this - but you have control over what you do with his answer

I'm so sorry.
This is exactly how a friend's marriage imploded. He had lots of female friends but there was just one that she had a gut feeling about. And he wouldn't listen, wouldn't give up a friend. They were just friends as far as he could see. Until he accidentally shagged her.
Now the marraige is over as a result, he admits that he didn't give up his friend because there was that spark between them.
I really hope you can get through to him.

Thanks for all the replies. .update since last posting,

I'm ok. We had another do at the weekend. Hes said he's going to cut her off. He said sorry for it all and understands i am and why im upset and has said he will do what ive said Which is back off and stop contact etc.

So im going to be monitoring it all closely now.
I've never had this situation before, ive had a few minor trust issues with him in the early days but nothing like this but my radar isn't liking it at all. I dont like the vibe I'm getting especially off her.
But we shall see.

I hope he follows through with what he has promised and it just doesn't get hidden instead.

Sounds positive.
I hope he means it. I'm pleased for you.

And I'm sure the job will get easier. Good for you.

I hope he means it, OP.

The fact that you had to have this conversation more than once is worrying, but I have my fingers crossed that he shapes up.

Update:

Things not brilliant but better.

So the phone calls have stopped, but I think hes hiding things or calling her when he goes out. But no proof
Shes still over his posts on fb shes like a leech And shes still texting him all the time .

It worries me about some of the comments in these replies about affairs, but hand on heart, I dont think anything has gone on I just think she's too much and hes encouraged it and enjoying the attention but who knows.

But I cant really say anything else to him right now than what's already been said as not seen anything else and shes not been ringing him like before.

My anxiety is really bad at the moment and this whole thing is getting me down. It hurts me because i have health issues and hes been going to the gym with her and doing things I cant do, and then this with her being all over him Which has got progressively worse until I had words with him.
So im still monitoring things as best I can.

Is he texting her back? Her texting a lot suggests he is as most people don't send lots of texts to someone not responding. At least you know what is going on but he needs to stop responding to her

Hate to mention it but this is how my DH's appallling behaviour began. When I challenged him about the phonecalls he started calling via whatsapp so the number didn't show up. Mean shouldn't be allowed unsupervised access to their phones end of!

Yes hes definitely texting her back its still daily also.

Regardless of whether they ring or text each other he is still seeing her at work everyday.

If something is going on between them then stopping phone calls and texts won’t change anything.

I’m inclined to think nothing physical has happened between them as I really don’t think they’d be so blatant.

It’s clearly crossed the line though and is becoming flirtatious which then may progress to more so you are in a very difficult position.

You still seem to be putting the blame on her though.

I had an affair with a married man many, many years ago and I’m horrified when I look back on those times - I genuinely can’t believe I did it - but I found it very, very easy to just pretend his wife didn’t exist. We never spoke of her and so I felt like I was doing nothing wrong. When I write it down it doesn’t make any sense but back then, even though I knew he was married I didn’t give any thought to her as a person or any thought to their marriage - it just wasn’t on my radar. It was like she, and their marriage weren’t real.

It can be very easy to pretend you’re not the other woman by simply mentally erasing the wife from the picture and maybe that is what this woman is doing?

What she’s doing is wrong, as was what I did, but ultimately she doesn’t owe you anything.

You can absolutely be pissed off with her and place the blame 50-50 between them, but it’s your husband that is betraying you, not her. She probably doesn’t give you a second thought and how you might be feeling and that may be consciously or subconsciously.

Tell her to sod off

Tbh op at this point I'd be telling him to knock it off or you're out of there. (Or he is-he would need to be the one to feck off and find somewhere else to live). He's making you lion like a mug, and he isn't listening to what you are saying about needing to stop this nonsense.

OP, are you certain he’s still texting her back? If he is, I would seriously suspect an affair.

He’s blown up at you over this woman saying they’re just friends and then rather strangely acts all reasonable and says he’s going to cut her off.

If the texting is still going on, he’s gaslighting you and there is more to this friendship than he’s letting on.

So he hasnt stopped then, has he? WHY on earth is he hanging on to this "friendship" if not sexual? For spite? Thats also appalling behaviour!

Your husband is choosing a 'friend' over his wife, that should tell you everything OP.

I am sorry but it seems like they are at least having an emotional affair, I would not be surprised if it turns sexual. They are now Romeo and Juliet being kept apart (in their fucked up minds)

I think I would be telling him that either it stops or he can pack up and go. His not taking your very valid concerns seriously. This woman is trouble.