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Original poster

Husbands female friend being too much

279 replies

Mrstiggywinkle44 · 23/05/2022 13:01

Been married 4 years, me 40 Dh 43, ww have 3 children

About a month ago DH got to know this bisexual woman at work. Shes single.

Anyway, at first she started tagging along to the gym with him. Then things became more obvious that she fancies him.
Shes been:

Ringing him daily, voice messaging, texting daily, even when hes at home with me, at night, and first thing,

asking him for favours all the time in her garden, house, doing jobs for her, hes been going there to do stuff for her
Shes played the damsel in distress when an incident happened at work, (warehouse work) she rang him again for attention, when she could of rung anyone, like her mum, other work colleagues etc

She asked him in a disciplinary with her as support

Shes constantly all over him on fb
Shes been rude and standoffish to me when I met her once

And most infuriatingly is shes been sending him pictures of stuff which look innocent but slyly, to me it stands out such as of her legs, with her dog sat on them, but its clearly showing her legs off and it looks definitely intentional. Other things have been going on also which are suspicious to me.

Yes, I have had it out with him over it and he genuinely seemed shocked that i thought that way and said shes just one of the lads/a mate/ friends and he gets no vibes off her shes attracted to him. Ive asked him to back off/cut her off and he hasn't .

Am I over reacting to it/being unreasonable??? Its really really pissing me off. I dont want to act like the possessive wife, yes he can have female friends but this is blatantly taking the absolute mick. Its really hurtful and I feel like I'm going to lose my s* over it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrstiggywinkle44 · 28/05/2022 21:09

So ive had it out with him.
As expected-

"Shes just a friend/not interested in him "
"He cant have any female friends "
"I'm jealous hes giving her attention "
" in over reacting and reading far into it over nothing "

I've pointed out all thsts been said and that how would he like it if roles reversed
He still dosent seem to get it.

Hes a dickhead.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrstiggywinkle44 · 28/05/2022 21:10

I'm at my wits end with this now.

We've had a massive do over it and im appearing to be the one in the wrong. Hes gaslightng me over me reacting to all this.

OP posts:
Badger1970 · 28/05/2022 21:19

Well there's your answer, OP.

Her feelings come before yours.

Rogue1001MNer · 28/05/2022 21:20

I'm so sorry he's being such a dick.

Did you say to him some of the excellent things said on here (some of them by you)?

Does ge realize he's risking his entire relationship over this?

Gettingthereslowly2020 · 28/05/2022 21:31

It's a blatant affair because even though nothing physical has happened (that you know about), he's prioritising another woman over you.

RandomMess · 28/05/2022 21:31

I would remind him he's married to you and his responsibility is to do the chores/ DIY in your shared home, and be a parent not play knight in shining armour.

PussInBin20 · 28/05/2022 21:37

Well regardless of what he says (and even if it was true) he should respect your feelings as your partner and cool it.

DontLookBackInAnger1 · 28/05/2022 21:45

The way I see it, is you have nothing to lose.

He won't stop seeing her on his account. So you explain that you or her.

If your marriage is as strong as you think (or if he's as good a man as you hope) then he'll give her up, even if it's not what he wants to do.

If he lets you go, then you know he's clocked out of the marriage. No one with half a brain would actually think what they're doing is ok. This isn't a lifelong friend, it's a new colleague who's becoming way too close too quickly. If he can't or won't acknowledge that, then it's safe to say he wants an affair.

You get one life. I would personally sit down with him and something like this;

"I love you and our life together. But I'm not willing to accept this woman being involved with you like this. You either choose to end it, because you don't want me feeling the way it's making me feel. Or you continue, and do so knowing that it may signify the end of our relationship. I've told you I find it disrespectful and too close to an affair. If you can't acknowledge how I feel then we have much bigger problems. The balls in your court, I don't want to have to tell you what's the right thing to do. Have a good think about it, I want to know by Friday what you plan to do. But let me be clear, if nothing changes, then you will be risking your marriage, your home and our life for this person."

Then truly wait. You don't want to have to convince him. If he is happy seeing you feel insecure and unhappy, then perhaps he isn't who you thought he was.

Fwiw, I genuinely think something has already happened. She's got balls, she's going to have tried something whilst they're alone at her house. I suspect that's why he's putting up such a fight.

I'm sorry OP, what a crap situation. You need to start thinking about making sure you have your plans in place for if/when he says he's leaving (make sure you have money, spare keys to the house, copies of joint bank statements, his work contract etc).

cantbelieveheletmedown · 28/05/2022 22:01

My Husband's. OW started like this. You are so right. Love how they try to downplay it. You are right to be concerned. Suddenly it's an EA

Aquamarine1029 · 28/05/2022 22:20

Hes gaslightng me over me reacting to all this.

That's exactly what he's doing and don't allow yourself to fall for it for an easy life.

"You're crazy, jealous, she's just a friend, you're controlling, blah blah blah", it's all just noise to protect himself.

Lu901 · 28/05/2022 22:31

Yeah been there. It's an affair. Otherwise he would shut it down.

Onlyhuman123 · 28/05/2022 23:10

He doesn't give a shit about you.

OW feelings appear more important than yours and his family life.

I think you need to get things ready to be a single mum.

Fucking arsehole; hope he gets a nasty sti

WiseRobin · 28/05/2022 23:29

Your gut instinct is telling you something is ‘off’ and if you’re not normally an overly jealous, insecure person, this could be a strong indicator that something isn’t quite right.

Also, while I agree that it is your DH who you need to be holding to task, I also agree that it’s a 50/50 split on who is to blame here, the woman in question certainly isn’t without blame, she knows that this man is married, if she didn’t then I’d feel different.

LooseGoose22 · 29/05/2022 00:56

how would he like it if roles reversed
He still dosent seem to get it.

I find men tend to get things when they're done to them.

(For example it's amazing how going to a male lap dancing club and having some "dances" focuses their minds beautifully on why going into lap dancing clubs, even on stag dos, might be uncomfortable for their partners.

This is similar.... so I'd stop discussing abd trying to respond with him and I'd start finding a man or men to do this with.
If he protests, repeat everything he's said back to him.

Of course... the very fact you're having to do this does not speak good things about your DH or marriage, I'm sorry.

LooseGoose22 · 29/05/2022 00:57

*so I'd stop discussing and trying to reason with him

Supermercado · 29/05/2022 01:13

Get your own male "friend" see how he likes it doesnt matter if they're real or it's just a friend playing the part if it means he'll realise his inevitable double standards, no shame

Eightiesfan · 29/05/2022 01:28

I think a tit for tat reaction could make things more difficult, as this would mean OP acting in a war that is no better than her DH. She needs to come out of this with her head held high.

OP, I would do as PP have said, lay it all out to your DH and if he still insists in continuing this relationship you will know that your relationship is over.

I just cannot get my head around men who put another person who they claim is just a friend above their wife.

SarahDippity · 29/05/2022 01:37

You’ve posted this in AIBU but this is a relationship problem. You have rightly raised this with your H and he is minimising it. What I would do if I were you is say you are booking relationship counselling over this. He will default to the ‘this is your problem/I’m not going anything wrong’ and you can follow up and say, well, it’s creating a problem in MY relationship with you so we clearly have some boundaries to discuss, and if you won’t listen to me here, we can discuss with a neutral counsellor.

RosieRooster83 · 29/05/2022 02:15

Unfortunately you partner seems to be encouraging her behaviour. He could block her, change his phone number, tell her straight that she is being inappropriate. He could not go to her house to help her when she asks - that's like giving her the green light to carry on. I don't understand why he would be alone with her and risk allegations being made that he is having an affair.

Sending hugs OP, you must be feeling so hurt right now.

Booklover3 · 29/05/2022 02:29

I’d be very angry with what you’ve detailed. You said he’s gaslighting you. Sounds like it. Has he done it before?

he definitely minimising your emotions in favour of hers. If she’s so important in his life I would be suggesting that he buggered off personally.

Booklover3 · 29/05/2022 02:32

And yes she also sounds like a right one m. Urgh

MsDogLady · 29/05/2022 05:37

Tiggy, your feelings are completely valid. Your H has known this OW for only a month, yet he is building an inappropriate connection and putting her first.

They are in a mutual validation bubble. In my view, this is at the least an EA due to their over-frequent contact (including early morning and evening), KISA/Damsel dynamic, regular 1:1 visits, photos, etc. It all seems intense, over-reliant and coupley.

His dismissal of your feelings and defensiveness speak volumes. Tiggy, don’t allow him to manipulate you with his blame shifting. I wouldn’t tolerate this disrespect and line-crossing in my marriage, and you shouldn’t either. Tell him that he can continue building an intimate connection with OW, but not while married to you. Flowers

BiteSizePieces · 29/05/2022 06:18

Does he do much solo care for your three children? If not, can you go out for the day (or more) leaving him with the kids to show him what life would be like if he destroys your marriage?

LittleEsme · 29/05/2022 08:42

Yes, how involved is he with your DC? Does he do his share of parenting?

Maybebabyno2 · 29/05/2022 09:06

There's a guy at work, sometimes if everything is kicking off I have to speak with him a lot. And yes, this can be late into the night.

We get on well, I would say we are friends. I would send him a funny meme if I thought he would appreciate it. If i had a particularly bad meeting, I would call him and have a rant. Shared trauma and all that ha!

Do you know what I don't do? Send him pics of myslef, talk about inappropriate stuff, meet him alone outside of work (even for gym purposes), fawn all over his Facebook.

I haven't met his wife, hell I have only met him in real life a handful of times (wfh) but if I did I would be polite, kind and probably apologetic about the late night disruptions caused by our working pattern. We talk about her, "what did you get up to at the weekend" stuff and I told him off once for last minute buying her a birthday gift, but would never dream of discussing issues in their marriage. Something I have seen on here a lot from these sort of 'friendships'.

My worst nightmare would be her thinking anything untoward was going on. The woman your DH is friend with is clearly not worried about that. I would be seriously rethinking my relationship with dp if he thought this was fine and totally disregarded my feelings about it.

The fact she was rude to you speaks volumes, either he has told her something about you or she sees you as the competition.