Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husbands female friend being too much

279 replies

Mrstiggywinkle44 · 23/05/2022 13:01

Been married 4 years, me 40 Dh 43, ww have 3 children

About a month ago DH got to know this bisexual woman at work. Shes single.

Anyway, at first she started tagging along to the gym with him. Then things became more obvious that she fancies him.
Shes been:

Ringing him daily, voice messaging, texting daily, even when hes at home with me, at night, and first thing,

asking him for favours all the time in her garden, house, doing jobs for her, hes been going there to do stuff for her
Shes played the damsel in distress when an incident happened at work, (warehouse work) she rang him again for attention, when she could of rung anyone, like her mum, other work colleagues etc

She asked him in a disciplinary with her as support

Shes constantly all over him on fb
Shes been rude and standoffish to me when I met her once

And most infuriatingly is shes been sending him pictures of stuff which look innocent but slyly, to me it stands out such as of her legs, with her dog sat on them, but its clearly showing her legs off and it looks definitely intentional. Other things have been going on also which are suspicious to me.

Yes, I have had it out with him over it and he genuinely seemed shocked that i thought that way and said shes just one of the lads/a mate/ friends and he gets no vibes off her shes attracted to him. Ive asked him to back off/cut her off and he hasn't .

Am I over reacting to it/being unreasonable??? Its really really pissing me off. I dont want to act like the possessive wife, yes he can have female friends but this is blatantly taking the absolute mick. Its really hurtful and I feel like I'm going to lose my s* over it.

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 23/05/2022 18:19

Is he going over to 'help' her on a weekend? Ffs how old are your kids? Have you read his messages?/WhatsApp.

MrsBlaue · 23/05/2022 18:21

DogsAndGin · 23/05/2022 14:03

I don’t think this is very god advice; the burden isn’t on OP to ‘win’ back her own husband 🤷🏼‍♀️ she doesn’t need to tempt him to treat her with respect - he should already treat her with respect.

Besides, didn’t you just post on another thread:

”My hubby doesnt wont me 😢it puts a real strain on our relationship”

Show quote history

god that’s so funny😆😆😆

ChagSameachDoreen · 23/05/2022 18:28

What does her sexuality have to do with it?

MrsBlaue · 23/05/2022 18:28

Watchkeys · 23/05/2022 14:30

If you don't trust him, you don't have a relationship. It doesn't matter who throws themselves at him.

Trust him with what exactly? Trust him in this completely inappropriate setup? I don’t think it’s an issue of trust, more like of piss-take

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 23/05/2022 18:32

It is up to your husband to block her and to cut all contact with her or if he wants to keep it civil to just say it is all too much and it will be just hello and goodbye now, he should not have let it get this far so I would blame him first and foremost as he is the one married to you and if he does not stop then tell them both to piss off. Absolutely ridiculous that he is lapping up all this attention, who rings someone 1st and last thing at night time as that would drive me mad even if in a relationship and always around. Do not let him gas light you into believing you are in the wrong, how would he feel if you had a man ringing you all the time and going everywhere with you. Is he going through a mid life crisis.

MissStarry · 23/05/2022 18:36

Yanbu. She sounds desperate and he sounds like he’s loving it.

Zippy1510 · 23/05/2022 18:42

I feel like there must be a lot of OW on mumsnet nowadays by these responses. Yes if you husband is having an emotional affair with this women he is a massive twat. However women who try and crack on with married men are also massive twats.

CheeryLittleO · 23/05/2022 18:46

WrongWayApricot · 23/05/2022 18:06

I get so tired of the don't blame the woman replies. Yeah, it's the husband's responsibility to not cheat. But, as a member of the female human race I take it as my responsibility to not enable cheaters either. I don't want any part in hurting another woman or helping a man hurt another woman. I can't understand why anybody would.

@WrongWayApricot No one is saying that the OW is blameless; of course she isn't. I'm sure OW knows exactly what she's doing, and she's doing it anyway - but the point is that but it has nothing to do with the OP. This woman has probably done this before and will likely do it again, and there are millions of other women, and men, exactly like her in the world, who will go after married people.

The point is that the OP cannot police the world: women will try to seduce her husband just as I'm sure men will try it on with her, but the only two people whose actions actually matter are the OP's and her husbands. If he had shut this down 3-4 weeks ago, this thread wouldn't even exist.

She can only blame her husband because blaming the OW is a wasted exercise and detracts from the fact that her husband took vows to love, honour, cherish and protect her, and that she needs to hold him to those vows.

Women who end up getting cheated on multiple times are the women who place the blame on the OW, without focussing on the person that they're sharing a bed with, and they buy into the narrative that their husband is oh so happy for them to be fed, which is: women are evil, cunning seductresses and that men don't know any better.

It's a misogynistic trope that spineless, manipulative men hide behind in order to have affairs but come out looking innocent and dodge the responsibility of their actions.

Soulstirring · 23/05/2022 18:58

He’s facilitating her and encouraging this. If he wasn’t responding she wouldn’t be doing this. Have a clear head and a hard conversation but please for your sanity do not let him have his cake and eat it

MissStarry · 23/05/2022 19:05

@CheeryLittleO

”Women who end up getting cheated on multiple times are the women who place the blame on the OW, without focussing on the person that they're sharing a bed with, and they buy into the narrative that their husband is oh so happy for them to be fed, which is: women are evil, cunning seductresses and that men don't know any better.

It's a misogynistic trope that spineless, manipulative men hide behind in order to have affairs but come out looking innocent and dodge the responsibility of their actions.”

I totally agree with you on this!!

CheeryLittleO · 23/05/2022 19:34

MissStarry · 23/05/2022 19:05

@CheeryLittleO

”Women who end up getting cheated on multiple times are the women who place the blame on the OW, without focussing on the person that they're sharing a bed with, and they buy into the narrative that their husband is oh so happy for them to be fed, which is: women are evil, cunning seductresses and that men don't know any better.

It's a misogynistic trope that spineless, manipulative men hide behind in order to have affairs but come out looking innocent and dodge the responsibility of their actions.”

I totally agree with you on this!!

@MissStarry

It's so easily done by women isn't it? Because blaming it on the OW is so much less painful than facing up to the fact that the man that you love decided to have an affair and has broken your heart, in full knowledge of what he was doing.

We want to blame the OW because it helps us to avoid the full brunt of the pain.

kateandme · 23/05/2022 19:56

She needs to not go after someone else's man.but what s he telling her.is he even saying or implying your over?
His ego burst will also be giving the come onencouraging her with every behaviour he's transmitting.yes she should no better.but how persuasive is he being.whay texts,pictures is he sending her.because on one level he's totally making her vulnerable.texting all hours,going to her house, doing things for her.
Is it her.or him.or both.is she evil temptress or him a playing dick.or both.
Either way he's the one that deff should have stopped this before it even begun. Because he wanted to because he's married!or upon you noticing and bringing it up have gone oh shit yeh that's gotta stop.

SailingNotSurfing · 23/05/2022 20:04

Your husband needs to stop interacting with her, and stop pretending he doesn't know her very badly hidden agenda.

Dancer47 · 23/05/2022 20:13

You are married with three little children and your DH is being led by the nose by this woman - going to the gym, ringing and texting night and day, sending pictures, wanting to help him fix things (She's clever - asking men to do things for you bonds them to you). It does not sound at all like a friendship - it's a courtship.

He is being so, so out of order - he is either weak or naive, or he thinks that if it's out in the open it must be okay. Certainly I would worry that he will be susceptible to affairs in the future, finds it hard to say no and doesn't understand what a commitment marriage is.

Honestly, none of it is ok - with three kids your time and energy as a couple must be very precious and he is wasting it on this woman. I would lay it on the line to him that it all has to stop, ALL of it. I would be calm though. He might go on the attack - be prepared for that, and do not give an inch. Good luck x

FloraMillie · 23/05/2022 20:45

I could have written exactly this. In my case the woman was a client of our business who knew us both. She had no compunction in coming to our home and blatantly making a play for my husband in front of me and I'd gone out of my way to be kind to her too. I hate her and she'd done exactly the same thing multiple times before.

I hate him more as when I had a calm conversation with him about it getting too much he turned it round on me and called me jealous and controlling (not something I'd ever been in seventeen years together I trusted him completely). He then split with me around six weeks later because I'm jealous and controlling and within a month they were openly in a relationship. I don't think anything I did would have stopped it to be honest. It's so sad as we had a good and strong marriage and I loved him more than anything. Six months on it still seems like a bad dream 😪

Original poster
Mrstiggywinkle44 · 23/05/2022 21:06

FloraMillie · 23/05/2022 20:45

I could have written exactly this. In my case the woman was a client of our business who knew us both. She had no compunction in coming to our home and blatantly making a play for my husband in front of me and I'd gone out of my way to be kind to her too. I hate her and she'd done exactly the same thing multiple times before.

I hate him more as when I had a calm conversation with him about it getting too much he turned it round on me and called me jealous and controlling (not something I'd ever been in seventeen years together I trusted him completely). He then split with me around six weeks later because I'm jealous and controlling and within a month they were openly in a relationship. I don't think anything I did would have stopped it to be honest. It's so sad as we had a good and strong marriage and I loved him more than anything. Six months on it still seems like a bad dream 😪

Sending huge hugs so sorry and angry for you x

OP posts:
violuhts · 23/05/2022 21:47

Aquamarine1029 · 23/05/2022 13:47

Why are you in any way blaming this woman? This is entirely your husband's responsibility, and you have a very big problem on your hands. He is cheating on you, perhaps just emotionally at this point, but that's every bit as damaging as a physical affair. If he refuses to stop being "friends" with this woman, I suppose you have your answer.

it's also her issue. sorry, but she's a nasty rat if she would do that knowing plain well he's married. 100% he's in the worst and he's the one in a commitment, but she's stooping disgustingly low and sounding not just desperate, but sneaky.

Hawkins001 · 24/05/2022 00:18

What happened to people actually trusting their partner's and where's the evidence to suggest their is more too it other than the ops assumptions of intentions ?

Hawkins001 · 24/05/2022 00:19

That aside, All the best and positivity op.

a1poshpaws · 24/05/2022 01:13

Branleuse · Yesterday 13:53
tell your husband to stop treating you like a fucking moron. That youve got no issue with the idea of platonic friendships in general or him having female friends, but this one is setting your spidey senses off massively and you want to make it clear to him that you do not expect to be made to feel so insecure in your own marriage. That she is massively overstepping, and intrusive, and that while youre sure the attention is very nice for him, that youre bored of it now. He either tells her to jog on/piss off/ghosts her, or he can piss off himself, as youre not playing second fiddle to anyone

What Branleuse says. Exactly that.

a1poshpaws · 24/05/2022 01:17

FloraMillie

Sending you a huge hug. One day you're going to find that you actually loved the man you believed he was, rather than the man he actually is. And I hope you find someone infinitely better, who actually deserves you.

TarasHarp55 · 24/05/2022 07:12

Why should we just blame the husband. They are both equally to blame.

So constantly phoning and pestering and sending photos to a married man is ok?

She's out of order and so is he.

TarasHarp55 · 24/05/2022 07:18

Why are you in any way blaming this woman? This is entirely your husband's responsibility

Oh yeah, the woman is completely blameless. Let's just forget about the phonecalls, texts and constant pestering.

DogInATent · 24/05/2022 07:20

@TarasHarp55 - well clearly, on Mumsnet women are never to be considered players. Even when they're clearly running it from the book and playing the targets like a fish.

WisteriaLodge · 24/05/2022 07:39

DogInATent · 24/05/2022 07:20

@TarasHarp55 - well clearly, on Mumsnet women are never to be considered players. Even when they're clearly running it from the book and playing the targets like a fish.

I used to work with a woman who actively targeted married men and admitted it too! I left the company a few years ago now and I often wondered what happened to her..

Swipe left for the next trending thread