Husbands female friend being too much

[Mrstiggywinkle44]

Been married 4 years, me 40 Dh 43, ww have 3 children

About a month ago DH got to know this bisexual woman at work. Shes single.

Anyway, at first she started tagging along to the gym with him. Then things became more obvious that she fancies him.
Shes been:

Ringing him daily, voice messaging, texting daily, even when hes at home with me, at night, and first thing,

asking him for favours all the time in her garden, house, doing jobs for her, hes been going there to do stuff for her
Shes played the damsel in distress when an incident happened at work, (warehouse work) she rang him again for attention, when she could of rung anyone, like her mum, other work colleagues etc

She asked him in a disciplinary with her as support

Shes constantly all over him on fb
Shes been rude and standoffish to me when I met her once

And most infuriatingly is shes been sending him pictures of stuff which look innocent but slyly, to me it stands out such as of her legs, with her dog sat on them, but its clearly showing her legs off and it looks definitely intentional. Other things have been going on also which are suspicious to me.

Yes, I have had it out with him over it and he genuinely seemed shocked that i thought that way and said shes just one of the lads/a mate/ friends and he gets no vibes off her shes attracted to him. Ive asked him to back off/cut her off and he hasn't .

Am I over reacting to it/being unreasonable??? Its really really pissing me off. I dont want to act like the possessive wife, yes he can have female friends but this is blatantly taking the absolute mick. Its really hurtful and I feel like I'm going to lose my s* over it.

100% agree branleuse

thanks to those who have seen it both ways. Yes I know hes my husband but Yep its not just him shes as much to blame and loving it!!. So its ok for her to do everything she's doing ??? Erm, no.

So no its not just him and no im not just targeting the woman. They are both out of order and its getting dealt with.

Spot on

I had a similar situation, although it wasn't a co worker.

My partner was friends with someone who behaved in this way, and 100% didn't do anything to set proper boundaries with her.

I'm no cool wife. If it feels wrong, it is wrong and I finally said, no more. And I meant it. That was that, she was gone.

It's 100% the partners issue. The "other woman " can behave however she wants - she has no responsibility to you. But, you also have no obligation to facilitate this "friendship" and should feel no guilt for getting rid.

You need to tell him this ends, right now. It should have never started, but I wouldn’t put up with this for another second.

I've known the type too. Boiled frog tactics, and they can always rely on the wife to provide the last burst of heat to finish the job.

If you role-reversed it and it was a wife being targeted by a Player in a lounge suit the advice being given here would be completely different. But the game's played the same either way.

He needs to cut her off. If he won't, then there's a reason for that.

I'd also start answering the phone when she called, but that's just me 🤷🏽‍♀️

"Hi, Tom's phone. He's busy, can I give him a message?"

Can I also say I'm surprised that so many posters are sympathising with the OP! Usually it's just post after post from married women, claiming to be bffs with random men they've known for 5 minutes and 'not understanding' what the problem is. Like the dog walking thread where the work colleague was texting OP's DH at 11pm to "thank him for the walk." All fine and normal apparently...

I'm perfectly capable of being angry with more than one person at a time. I can easily tell two people how I think each of them did me wrong. I also can't see why I can only be angry with things I can police or control? I can be angry that it rained on the day I wore flip flops, I can be angry at a person who slept with my partner as I kick him out the door.

It's not either be angry with your partner or OW. You're just invalidating someone's perfectly normal and natural feelings and expression during a stressful time. The replies could focus on the husband without reminding OP constantly that she shouldn't think about OW don't think about the big pink elephant . But they don't, they take every opportunity to make her feel bad about her thoughts and feelings. I don't think people like that really care about women. Time and place, really.

I can even understand how a safe space to discuss the OW can sometimes be more important than discussing the husband. It can be really hard to wrap your head around how someone you don't know, that you've never done any harm could purposely help fuck up your life so much. Whereas when a partner is the focus, there are myriad reasons for the hurt that might be more clear because there's a long and complex relationship. Terrorism can be harder to understand than war. OP should be able to discuss whichever part of this affair she wants or needs to, it's not up to pp to decide what is helpful for her to talk about.

As usual you're all too busy high fiving each other about saying the 'right' things to actually find some nuance and sensitivity for OP.

By not shutting her down she's taking it as encouragement to continue.

He's not shutting it down because he's enjoying it.

Thanks all agree with all replies sadly, but disagree with those saying its all him, its still 50 50 both of them to blame it dosent matter if shes not my responsibility,, shes crossing lines, she knows what she is doing and should not be doing it as disrespectful to his family shes playing a game, there is huge boundaries that have been crossed but he is encouraging it. So both to blame. I also noticed with one poster where shes said he "may not be aware" , yes it does happen, and maybe he wasn't noticing what I am, but , and a big but, unfortunately I've told him my concerns and he's not cut it off regardless so big red flag there.
Its definitely getting dealt with and will be using some of the words in these replies as are useful. Shame its come to me posting on here but I just wanted other opinions on it. Thanks all

Its both of them, but he is the only one that ever promised you any loyalty. Its not 50/ 50

Both of them may be equally to blame in terms of the relationship they seem to have cultivated, but he’s your husband and she’s some new random that he is engaging with in a way that is disrespectful to you.

He decided to commit to you, yes she sounds ridiculous but he is the one you should be angry with for allowing this situation to develop at a million miles an hour (or indeed, at all) and then ignoring your feelings on it and himself not respecting you enough to cut her off.

You going after her as an equal actor in this diminishes his role. He’s the lead actor and she’s an extra. She owes you absolutely nothing and it is a red herring to focus on her. He owes you everything a partner who is instead prioritising some new random and ignoring your requests to stop.

If it wasn’t her, someone else with a similar desperation could emerge in the future- he needs to be trusted not to blatantly live the attention and run after said creature like a dog with 2 dicks, otherwise how will you ever trust him?

This is not polishing of the OW halo, just facts about who owes you anything in this scenario.

You say she’s crossing massive boundaries re family, but if the family consists primarily of the partnership between you and your DH, why is he not strongly enforcing this boundary? That’s why it’s not 50/50. He’s allowing this woman into your family, so clearly doesn’t have the same boundaries as you rightfully expect in the relationship.

Yes I agree with @MissStarry. I can understand your anger at the OW and she is certainly in the wrong too but even if you warned her off someone else could just come along. It needs to be your DH setting these boundaries. He's being a total idiot. Sure it's nice to feel desired but he's letting it go way too far. Have you spoken to him about it again OP?

Yeah I agree
I feel like I'm being taken for a complete mug
I'm scared of it kicking off a huge row if I bring it up again I'm choosing my moment (soon!)
I dont want it to cause a huge row and it push him closer to her. This is what she wants. She's been posting and tagging him on Facebook for a deliberate reaction when he was there the other day after the gym. She knows damn well what shes doing

This is all so overloading for me I have additional needs and disabilities also so finding it really hard but I do know he is taking the piss and I'm a mug. Other wives by now would of kicked off big time so why haven't I

Yeah I agree
I feel like I'm being taken for a complete mug
I'm scared of it kicking off a huge row if I bring it up again I'm choosing my moment (soon!)
I dont want it to cause a huge row and it push him closer to her. This is what she wants. She's been posting and tagging him on Facebook for a deliberate reaction when he was there the other day after the gym. She knows damn well what shes doing
This is all so overloading for me I have additional needs and disabilities also so finding it really hard but I do know he is taking the piss and I'm a mug. Other wives by now would of kicked off big time so why haven't I

If I was you I'd make a list of al the things she's done (especially the more recent stuff) that make you uncomfortable, prepare everything you want to say - even make a bullet pointed list if necessary because I know it can be easy to forget in the heat of the moment - and sit him down and have it out. There will never be a "right moment" and this is going to eat away at you.
Try and stay calm. Tell him you value yourself too much to continue putting up with this. I don't think you're a mug OP but I do think you need to remember your worth and that you deserve better. If he throws his toys out of the pram because you aren't willing to put up with him facilitating another woman's advances then he'll be showing you his true colours.

I actually think if you make a point of sitting down and talking about it, he will take you more seriously than if you just kick off the next text. He'll know that you've been stewing over it.

Thank you Maisa45 xx

I don't think it's wrong just to say yes I am jealous and she is the reason why. It's an emotion just like being happy or sad. If you own it he can't use it against you either. You are allowed to have emotions, even more so when someone is messing with your marriage.

Hi @Mrstiggywinkle44 you have a lot on your plate with your own health & wellbeing, & a young family. So, as you say, charging full steam ahead will cost you, particularly as he defects your experience & concerns.

I suggest that you adopt a holding pattern to gather your strength & position yourself for an optimal strike.

For whatever reason & however he sees this, your D(not so)H is playing with fire with this woman &, more than that, with his marriage & family life.

However he reasons his way through this saga, he is not treating you or your children with respect, this is affecting your health & leading to a crisis point in your marriage.

OW: yes she’s a baggage who should know better & keep her man-handling mitts off your DH & out of your family space. But your DH is giving her the come-hither green light on repeat like a police siren. She may be absolutely clueless about the impact of her actions on the ‘other & his family’, but I doubt it. Unless she has really fallen for him, as soon as he is free, she’ll get the ‘Ick’ & be right off him. Some people just live for the chase &/or the meddle in other people’s lives, it helps them see relive or resolve some family drama somewhere sometime other etc.

OW is a distraction from dealing with your DH, his behaviours & attitudes towards you & your family. As others have said, if he’s not setting up strong boundaries to protect his marriage & family, then another disruptor will appear soon enough.

It's an emotional affair. My husband started one of those from someone who had been a hobby related friend but the texts got more frequent including late night texts.
It nearly ended our marriage. He got an ultimatum and the texts stopped. I would rather be alone than have this sort of nonsense.

Also your afraid of pushing him to her if u time it wrong?.wtf.no loyal true man would do this.he could walk from you but a cheater will only fall into her arms if he's going to anyway.

My angle would be highlighting to him what an unpleasant, immoral woman she must be to know that he is married and still be constantly messaging him / wanting time alone with him. Only a truly shitty woman would be carrying on with her antics. He needs to wake up and stop being flattered by a manipulative woman who doesn’t care if she destroys a marriage, because if everything you say is accurate, that’s what she is.

Also, the ‘gets no vibes off her that she’s attracted to him’ - who cares. Is he attracted to her? Ask him exactly what he thinks of her, particularly her character. If he truly fancies her, he’ll struggle to criticise her to you. Listen carefully to the words he first chooses to describe her.

He's probably loving it tbh

Having been in a very similar position, your H is 100% to blame in terms of not shutting it down but the OW is certainly a nasty piece of work - I don't hold with this the OW is 100% entitled to get a free pass to behave any way she likes without any of us thinking poorly of her. Any decent woman with manners and morals knows it's really not ok to pester men with partners/wives and come on to them. However OP at the end of the day it's up to him to acknowledge it's upsetting you and to tell her to 'cool it' -- some people(men too) actually do sadly get a buzz by deliberately targeting other peoples partners and seeing if they can get a positive response .

She’s single your husbands not. He’s to blame. Sorry x