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Original poster

Husbands female friend being too much

279 replies

Mrstiggywinkle44 · 23/05/2022 13:01

Been married 4 years, me 40 Dh 43, ww have 3 children

About a month ago DH got to know this bisexual woman at work. Shes single.

Anyway, at first she started tagging along to the gym with him. Then things became more obvious that she fancies him.
Shes been:

Ringing him daily, voice messaging, texting daily, even when hes at home with me, at night, and first thing,

asking him for favours all the time in her garden, house, doing jobs for her, hes been going there to do stuff for her
Shes played the damsel in distress when an incident happened at work, (warehouse work) she rang him again for attention, when she could of rung anyone, like her mum, other work colleagues etc

She asked him in a disciplinary with her as support

Shes constantly all over him on fb
Shes been rude and standoffish to me when I met her once

And most infuriatingly is shes been sending him pictures of stuff which look innocent but slyly, to me it stands out such as of her legs, with her dog sat on them, but its clearly showing her legs off and it looks definitely intentional. Other things have been going on also which are suspicious to me.

Yes, I have had it out with him over it and he genuinely seemed shocked that i thought that way and said shes just one of the lads/a mate/ friends and he gets no vibes off her shes attracted to him. Ive asked him to back off/cut her off and he hasn't .

Am I over reacting to it/being unreasonable??? Its really really pissing me off. I dont want to act like the possessive wife, yes he can have female friends but this is blatantly taking the absolute mick. Its really hurtful and I feel like I'm going to lose my s* over it.

OP posts:
2bazookas · 23/05/2022 16:41

You're not being unreasonable.

I'd calmly explain to DH that the woman has crossed a line you won't put up with, and if he won't tell her to back off, you will.

Phobiaphobic · 23/05/2022 16:44

Mrstiggywinkle44 · 23/05/2022 13:46

Agree 100% hes encouraging it.

I'm going to be having it out with him again soon but im not getting nasty about it im trying to do it in a polite way but it will get to a point where I just snap.

Show quote history

Bugger being polite. He's not considering your feelings here, is he? I'd go straight to snapping if he tried to defend this or belittle your feelings in any way whatsoever. The situation needs shutting down immediately before it does real damage.

CheeryLittleO · 23/05/2022 16:51

Sorry OP, but as others have said, you're falling into the trap of blaming this on the OW, but the truth of the matter is that there are only two people who have a responsibility to protect your relationship and honour your vows: you and your husband.

I can't stand these men who know exactly what they're doing and that they're traversing a fundamental relationship boundary, and yet they play the "I'm just a poor widdle man being seduced by a scarewy sexual woman" card - it's utterly vomit-inducing.

Unless you demand that he takes full responsibility for him disrespecting your relationship by (let's face it) starting an emotional affair, which may or may not soon be a full-blown affair, then you're never going to get anywhere.

Focus on him being able to police himself - if he can't do that or take responsibility and plays thick (and he will most definitely be playing, as he'll know what he's doing is wrong) then you've got a serious problem on your hand. You can't do the policing for him.

ALoadOfCodswallop · 23/05/2022 16:52

I bet she's probably not even bisexual. He lied about her being a lesbian to try and pull the wool over your eyes and then had to backtrack as I'm guessing there are probably pics of her with old partners on facebook or the like, and he panicked. I'm sorry to say it sounds like an affair or very close to one already.

ILoveMyLifeToday · 23/05/2022 16:54

I have 2 lovely work friends and we never text. I'm unsociable though and a day speaking to them at work is plenty for me. YANBU OP.

AnAfternoonWalk · 23/05/2022 16:57

You are not being unreasonable at all. You could say to him right now, your behavior and hers is disrespectful to our marriage, stop all contact, block her, do not speak to her or meet at the gym or anything again unless you want our marriage to be over.

However, he shouldn’t have to be told that. He has fallen for her hook line and sinker. I think this all sounds very serious. A month? She works fast, doesn’t she? And he fell right into it without any compunction.

I’m not sure you could ever trust him again. You’re not being jealous at all, logically he is demonstrating a deep and obvious lack of regard for his marriage. Basically, he is treating her the way he is supposed to be treating his wife.

Do not put up with this for another second. Don’t worry about how you’ll look or be accused of, you’re the one with the integrity here, I would calmly tell him to pack and leave. You and your children are supposed to be the #1 priority to him with everyone else a far distant 2nd. He should love you dearly and be eager to please you and and he should be looking upon this woman with contempt for how she’s acting.

TabithaTittlemouse · 23/05/2022 16:58

Would he be behaving like this with a male work friend?

I would point that out to him if not.

I have some really lovely male friends from work but our relationships are no different to my relationships with my female work friends. We do text but not daily, we do go out but as a group and we do send silly pictures but if any of us ever overstepped the line and maybe didn’t realise and my Dh felt uncomfortable then I would be mortified and would take a huge step back. I love my Dh and wouldn’t do anything to hurt him.

Your Dh doesn’t care about your feelings.

TabithaTittlemouse · 23/05/2022 16:58

Btw Dh has close female friends too!

doadeer · 23/05/2022 17:00

This is up to your husband. He should shut this down immediately. It's not appropriate at all.

Rewis · 23/05/2022 17:26

Your husband knows exactly what's going on and he is enjoying the attention. I bet is work mate Steve was texting him he wouldn't be responding and wondering whats wrong with him. She's not one of the lads to him. As pp said, if she genuinely was just a "lad" from work then he wouldn't have issues ignoring her and having boundaries.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 23/05/2022 17:29

Agree 100% hes encouraging it

That's unfortunate, and from his obvious lie about being "genuinely shocked that you thought that way" he's probably feeling like a dog with two dicks

Sadly you'll probably need to be quite assertive on this one, before it goes any further

me4real · 23/05/2022 17:36

Judging by you saying she had an issue at work, and also that she had a disciplinary, I have a feeling she will soon get the sack. Which will help.

But you're husband's being completely inappropriate and she's being inappropriate.

Trivester · 23/05/2022 17:37

Please stop using terms like “green eyed” and “jealous wifey”. Those terms are pointing to your internalised misogyny and you have to fight back against that cultural contamination and erosion of your feelings. The notion of the “cool wife” is harmful to women and its muddying the waters for you.

No one in their right mind would be cool about this - it is deeply disrespectful.

The only people who need to examine their behaviour is him and her. And it is sadly very telling that he hasn’t shown concern for your feelings.

1FootInTheRave · 23/05/2022 17:42

I'd be very surprised if this hasn't already gone too far.

Bigtruth · 23/05/2022 17:50

Agree with comment above, this has probably gone past what is being disclosed.

He's probably panicking as trying to cut contact when she's got something over him isn't going to be easy so he'll make this a fight about (you're lack of) trust and (you) controlling (him) rather than (lack of) respect (to you) and decency (to you).

Prepare for the shit to hit of he's hiding something. He'll realise he's been a tit and apologize if he's not crossed a boundary beyond what's been written.

MrMrsJones · 23/05/2022 17:50

Have it out with him,

But next time he says he is popping over to help out, jump in the car at the last minute and go with him.

Wintersgirl · 23/05/2022 17:51

Yes your DH needs to stop this pronto and the wide eyed innocence from him doesn't wash. The woman isn't completely blameless in all of this, she knows exactly what she's doing all right, but your DH needs to knock it on the head, sorry OP it does sound like he's enjoying the attention, but quite a few men enjoy 'rescuing' women who seem like a damsel in distress, pathetic isn't it?

Cazareeto1 · 23/05/2022 18:05

I would talk to your husband and explain this situation feels a bit more than friends, don’t blame DH as he may get defensive and “help” her more. I would explain to him that this woman coming to gym phoning him as regularly. That as his wife this is not ok, taht on a female level she is over stepping the line. I would say if I had a man at work calling me and doing these things how would you feel. Can help to reverse the situation to give him insight to how you are feeling. I do not balme you and personally I’d be having a chat with the woman (as well as DH) on the side not nasty or mean but a reminder that he is taken and he has a family and this is not ok to call him and maybe to ask her friends instead as he already has commitments with his kids.

WrongWayApricot · 23/05/2022 18:06

I get so tired of the don't blame the woman replies. Yeah, it's the husband's responsibility to not cheat. But, as a member of the female human race I take it as my responsibility to not enable cheaters either. I don't want any part in hurting another woman or helping a man hurt another woman. I can't understand why anybody would.

Loopytiles · 23/05/2022 18:09

Your H is the main problem here.

Steelesauce · 23/05/2022 18:12

I genuinely thought this was a situation I am aware of. Very similar circumstances except your ages and work place type doesn't match otherwise I'd of been messaging you privately. In this case, it is well known at work they are shagging, admitted by both parties. It is quite sad and he tells his work pals his wife is OK with it to prevent anyone from spilling the beans. I'm not convinced at all!

MrsBlaue · 23/05/2022 18:12

She is definitely after him and he is embracing the attention, it’s a bit pathetic really with him being married and with her chasing a work colleague and taking photos so that the legs can be seen.

It’s a shame if you get hurt in all of this, even by just being (understandably) upset at this stage.

MrsBlaue · 23/05/2022 18:16

DisgruntledPelican · 23/05/2022 13:17

She sounds like she’s interested in him but if your husband isn’t willing to cut off contact then there’s not much else to do except voice your displeasure every time.

it’s a hell of a lot to happen in approx one month, though. And what has being bi got to do with it? 😂

my guess is it’s the husband’s way of saying to OP “don’t worry, she’s safe, it’s like hanging out with a man - she likes women too”. They both need to grow up.

californiadreamer · 23/05/2022 18:17

Agree with others - have a talk to him but focus on HIS actions, not hers and how HIS actions make you feel. The fact he rushes over there when she needs help, or responds to her calls when you’re together. That way you’re not being jealous - you’re communicating about the relationship and where it is falling down in your opinion and what needs to be done to get it back on track. If he chooses to ignore your feelings about his actions then there is a decision that needs to be made. Don’t let him say you’re being “too sensitive” or “too jealous”… say “I’m being sensitive enough and there’s nothing wrong with that”. There will always be other people (men and women) who try to come between couples - you can’t control that, but you are letting him know where your personal boundaries are. Tell him if it carries on it’s a deal breaker (if that’s what you mean).

StridTheKiller · 23/05/2022 18:18

@Branleuse Has it spot on.