Husbands female friend being too much

[Mrstiggywinkle44]

Been married 4 years, me 40 Dh 43, ww have 3 children

About a month ago DH got to know this bisexual woman at work. Shes single.

Anyway, at first she started tagging along to the gym with him. Then things became more obvious that she fancies him.
Shes been:

Ringing him daily, voice messaging, texting daily, even when hes at home with me, at night, and first thing,

asking him for favours all the time in her garden, house, doing jobs for her, hes been going there to do stuff for her
Shes played the damsel in distress when an incident happened at work, (warehouse work) she rang him again for attention, when she could of rung anyone, like her mum, other work colleagues etc

She asked him in a disciplinary with her as support

Shes constantly all over him on fb
Shes been rude and standoffish to me when I met her once

And most infuriatingly is shes been sending him pictures of stuff which look innocent but slyly, to me it stands out such as of her legs, with her dog sat on them, but its clearly showing her legs off and it looks definitely intentional. Other things have been going on also which are suspicious to me.

Yes, I have had it out with him over it and he genuinely seemed shocked that i thought that way and said shes just one of the lads/a mate/ friends and he gets no vibes off her shes attracted to him. Ive asked him to back off/cut her off and he hasn't .

Am I over reacting to it/being unreasonable??? Its really really pissing me off. I dont want to act like the possessive wife, yes he can have female friends but this is blatantly taking the absolute mick. Its really hurtful and I feel like I'm going to lose my s* over it.

Op the time for ‘snapping’ is now. You’ve already pointed out the situation and asked him nicely to show you some respect, and he’s refused. This is already at least an emotional affair, the longer you wait before putting your foot down, the more chance he has of becoming entwined with her. And stop worrying about coming off as ‘jealous’. It’s pretty clear what is happening here and what these woman’s intentions are. You’re protecting your relationship and your family unit

YANBU. I would say give your husband an ultimatum and tell him that you don't care if he thinks it is ridiculous - it's for your own sanity. Yes it sounds extreme, but I did the exact same with my now husband when a random new woman started crossing the line and he cut contact without it being awkward. I think we all have good instincts when it comes to other women's intentions. It's not worth your suffering to pretend like it doesn't matter and your husband has to respect your feelings on it. Sorry this is happening to you OP, I know it's not nice 💐xx

Sounds like she's playing a game - your husband's the victim, and breaking up a happy family is the goal before she'll get bored and move on. If this was sex-reversed there'd already be a dozen comments about male playbooks for doing exactly this.

Talk to him like you'd talk to a female friend who was being gamed by a man. A friend who's only seeing the attention and not the intention. What you must avoid is tackling him in "suspicious/jealous wife" mode, because her playbook relies on this and you'll only reinforce the attention she's giving him.

MrsTW: ‘Can we speak about something very important?’
MrTW: ‘Sure we can’
MrsTW: ‘I respect & value our marriage & our life together, do you know that?’
MrTW: ‘Of course I do.’
MrsTW: ‘How do you know that is so?
MrTW: ‘Because you are loyal, thoughtful & committed to making our life & family secure & loving’ - other versions &/or approximations are available.

<long pause for thought…maybe his penny drops, maybe not>

MrsTW: ‘So how will you know when I no longer respect or value our marriage & life together?’
MrTW: ‘I’ll just know/you’ll tell me/I won’t feel so loved/you’ll be mean to me etc’
MrsTW: ‘Riiiiiiiiight, so you are not as dumb as I thought. Because I can read you like a book’

Just call her " oi headcase, straight or no-go and get your own partner to mow your lawn and tag on facebook like an embarrassing teenager "

and be blunt with your man " ive told you i dont like this. Fucking, get it under control before we have majorproblems, idiot"

theres a thread a day on these work wife bollocks.
bi for her probably means she'll manipulate anyone man or woman !

In your situation I would hire a male friend who will be calling me up and giving me lots of attention (basically all the things his female friend is doing) and see if he likes that. It’s usually these types of men with the double standards because they know wifey at home wouldn’t do that.

It's not jealousy.
This is an overstepping of boundaries - by your husband. He's not some hapless lad being led about by his knob. He alone has the power to shut any advances anyone makes down that could harm his marriage. He is choosing not to.

You have told him his ongoing behaviour with this woman upsets you. Now it's up to him. If he chooses to continue behaviour that he knows upsets the person he loves the most in the whole wide world, then the only question after that is why? What, for him is worth that risk? There's usually only one answer to that.

Do they need to work together? I can't see whether she just started working there a month ago or your DH did, or whether there's another reason he just befriended her a month ago.

I'd be telling him that if he's that naive that he can't see this is inappropriate then he's a liability and he needs to follow your advice and lead. She is a colleague and that means he has to be above reproach. So no messages or calls every morning and night. Communication only in working hours at work. He needs to lock down his Facebook posts so she can't see or comment on them. And he stops going round to her house.

I would offer to answer his phone and say he's not available if he's incapable of doing so. Don't allow him to try to put the focus on to you. This is his problem and he has to fix it. If he refuses then he's putting this month long acquaintance before your relationship and his professional reputation.

Does he do jobs for his male colleagues?
Take daily calls and messages? No?

He's disrespectful and should stop and could stop it immediately. He's obviously encouraged it. Her behaviour is irrelevant. Only his response matters.

i think anyone that prioritises "one of the lads" over his wife is an asshole

Well, he's clearly loving it. She wouldn't be keeping it up with no response. It isn't that he doesn't see it, it is that he quite likes his ego stroked.

You really shouldn’t stress about looking jealous. It’s not jealous to expect some respect in a marriage. I’d probably spend a week saying ‘how do I look, I want Dave to notice me, that’s ok in our marriage isn’t it?’ hang on, just messaging Dave’ at 9pm it would be ‘oh im just going to drive over and give Dave a hand making the beds because he’s forgotten how and that’s what friends are for. In our marriage anyway.’ ‘Oh look at that meal I’ve cooked, hang on I’m going to send Dave a photo’ (Dave would be a fictional colleague by the way, my husband would know I’m not actually going out)

I wish there was a "like" button on here. Lol
But being serious thank you for all the replies, I sadly agree with them all its not on

Love this, so correct 👏 if the boot was on the other foot

I've been thinking of making up someone ive "bumped into" from my school days and start to go on about them but then why should I be doing it.. 🙄

shes just one of the lads/a mate/ friends and he gets no vibes off her shes attracted to him

When was the last time 'one of the lads' sent him pictures, liked his FB, called him to help out at their home?

He needs to wake up and realise what it is he is doing, to her and to you. Ego boosting it might be but he is a grown man. he knows better. Even if he doesn't want to admit it!

This is not ok behaviour for a married man.

The woman is not blameless here - no one should be going after someone else's spouse. That is completely without morals even if she doesn't know the OP.
But your DH is being a prick, he's loving the ego boost and doesn't want it to stop. My concern would be that if you've already told him it upsets you and he doesn't care then when you try to put a stop to it that he will just continue in secret and the trust in your relationship - which is probably already not in a great place due to this - is going to end up destroyed. I'm sorry but this is all pretty shit for you OP.

If he is responding to every message and call for help then you need to be telling him clearly and succinctly that this isn’t going to work for you and ask why he is prioritising her over your marriage.

How does he react when she messages him?

I completely understand your anger towards her too. Perfectly natural. I always hope that other women will have enough self-esteem to respect other women and other women’s marriages. Of course goes without saying that your husband needs to sort this out and put boundaries in place but as a woman working in a very male-dominated workplace, I hope that I treat them and their relationships with respect.

Ask him if he would be happy if a single man you just met was messaging and calling you 24/7 as well as going to the gym and whatever else with you. I bet he wouldn’t be because most people in a serious relationship wouldn’t accept this. She isn’t just a friend, clearly. He’s either having a full blown affair already or it’s an emotional one.

Yep she's a bit of a dog whistle it I think (not sure if that's still a term but it's the best way to describe it). He needs to wise up.

@Aquamarine1029 Why do you always come on these threads and get exasperated? Every single time there is a woman in this situation you have to make a disparaging comment about them. Where is your compassion and insight?

I’d suggest this seems to touch a raw nerve with you.

Maybe look at your own frustrations and boundaries before commenting. Or avoid these threads entirely if it makes you so cross.

Many years ago, when I told my DH that I felt the relationship between him and a female colleague was getting a little too cost for my liking, he took a step back from it, no question.

Cosy not cost

Sounds like he's hoping for an affair

This made my blood boil reading this, as sadly I have experienced the same, and it didn't turn out well. I had a "best friend" who was like this.

First red flag was she became single and started asking her male married neighbour (M), if he could do DIY jobs for her. Silly things though, like hanging a picture, which anyone can do FFS. Bear in mind that this male neighbour was married and she was very friendly with his wife - they would have BBQ's and nights out etc. Anyway, she told me that whenever M came over to do some DIY, they actually had sex. This went on for months, until she got a new BF.

About a year or so later, she started being very off with me. I was going through a separation at the time, so it seemed an awful time for her to withdraw from me, especially for no reason. One night, my (now ExH) got drunk and left his phone on my bedside table. I looked at it, and there were loads of texts between them. At this point they were "innocent" enough, but the undertones (from her), were obvious to me - as another woman. Things like "I'm just slipping in to a nice bath with a glass of wine". She was trying to make him imagine her naked. Quelle surprise, they ended up shagging. I was leaving him anyway, but that's hardly the point.

I think you have to cut this thing off at the knees asap. It's funny how Dave from accounts isn't calling your DH first thing in the morning and last night at night, isn't it? And if he did, I'm sure your DH would call him a weirdo and not answer the calls.

I would ask your DH how he would feel, if a male colleague was calling you and texting you all the time, and that this male colleague also came to the gym with you. The gym! Great opportunity to wear very little clothing and get all sweaty together, hey? I would also demand that he stops answering her calls and texts, and as for going to the gym together, fuck that shit for a game of soldiers. I really would threaten him with separation if he doesn't stop.