I stayed over.

[hairtwirl]

Third date on Saturday
He insisted I stayed over instead of Uber home - I was happy as night had gone well
No sex

Had been talking 6-8 weeks

He had worked away in the middle so did not see each other then

He said 'see you soon' when I left in the morning and all seemed fairly normal from my point of view. I left about 10am on Sunday

NC from him since I left. Did text yesterday to hope his work day had went well but no response

Bad sign?

For context he is a 'bad texter' and frequently leaves 12-24 hours with text replies and will respond something thoughful. I suppose I probably just feel sensitive as we cuddled and kissed the whole night - but we have never spoken about anything heavy / exclusive / had intercourse. I was happy with way things were going

I seen anti depressants in his bathroom which is no problem for me - but makes me think I should go easy on him and not jump to conclusions about his contact style

I agree. He must think I am buttoned up the back to accept it. He probably does in fairness if I put up with his sporadic texting and vagueness for a couple of months though. I sort of did this to myself.

Yes I can see you don't want to be friends.

Your posts suggest you had tried (or wanted) to discuss what the future was between you both, before.

If you met online, does your profile indicate you only want a certain type of relationship (ie 'what I am looking for')?

I am trying to understand if this conversation is one you initiated before and it didn't go anywhere.

Hello, I've been lurking, I may have missed some information, but here's my opinion:

You have had this night where a mutual decision was made for you to stay over, to have a bit of a mess around but not have sex. During this he ejaculates twice very quickly, I didn't see what he did for you though?

It doesn't come across that he spent time giving you attention that would have been extremely easy to do since there was going to be no penetration anyway.

If a guy has an issue with this, well who knows the cause but there is probably not much they can do about it, I know you mention medication and their mental health, but the causes doesn't matter this is the situation they are in. They can either accept it happens and not care less about the other person because they still get off or they can accept it but spend time with foreplay and pleasing the other partner, which may be more enjoyable than an average time of penetration. They seem to have picked the first choice. That is a big red flag.

Another thing you mention is your career and how driven you are, people who are like this do well with someone supportive and chilled out, well he seems to be like this on the surface. But it's interesting that you mention him pushing you saying your work situation can't continue etc, well that's being the opposite of supportive.

Overall I don't think you've missed out on much here, I personally don't understand the intention of people like him, the let's shag but I don't want a relationship mentality, I suspect most people who do this are emotionally invested elsewhere.

I think its clear I was looking for a relationship.

Anyway he does not like me much and it is done now. Wine again tonight with Podcasts and onwards and upwards.

There is alot which can be learned from this situation to take forward.

I think it's clear I was looking for a relationship

Maybe clear in your mind, but unless your online profile states that , men aren't mind readers. some women want FWB or nothing exclusive/ serious.

If you don't say it in your profile and only mention it on your first or 2nd date, that's going to scare off some men, who may want something more casual.

Better they are scared off early than waste your time, but you also need to make sure your profile says what are hoping to find.

He does seem very odd tbh! Can't understand him suggesting to meet up now to discuss expectations, how strange!

The cynic in me thinks that because you replied saying it was fine and basically bye to his first message, you've made yourself more desirable to a fuck boy as he now doesn't have the upper hand / final say (ugh) whereas he expected you to say you were upset and ask to see him / accept crumbs thrown your way...

Buy then I am a cynical one from my dating days!

I couldn’t be dealing with all these games.

I would have agreed to be friends but declined meeting up with him. And not gone out of my way to meet up with him in the future.

There could be a few reasons why he’s acting like this but you don’t want to have a relationship where you are having to guess what the issue is.

In any situation you have done absolutely nothing wrong and so at least you don’t have to feel too shit about it.

I am a similar age to you and was thinking of OLD but if this is a snapshot of what I’ve got coming I think I’d rather stay single!

Have you just joined planet earth? Millions of them would! Some insist on no condom saying they are allergic, don't like the feeling etc. They don't particularly care if the woman gets pregnant, that's her problem. He got what he wanted.

@hairtwirl definitely leave it with him now and do not be “friends” with him. He’s basically said he will enjoy your company from time to time but doesn’t see anything more with you. Why would you accept crumbs from someone you have seen 3 times! Like you say, just wish him well and move on, say a polite hello at yoga but don’t engage in anymore texts, it’s pointless

I think you've handled this very well Hairtwirl and I think, because he sounds a bit lost and screwed up, the tables will now turn and he will regret giving up so quickly. I would stay away from him because to an outsider, he sounds like a complete waste of time and headspace. I agree with the other PPs to only entertain the very keen ones who you fancy too. Worked for me. Good luck!

OP sorry you had this experience
The deflated balloon thing is not nice.

I hope you don't mind me asking a couple of things as this thread has been an eye opener for me

I'm not interested in partners but - blaming it on peri and other problems - had an interest in someone recently.

I don't find the word "envision" odd at all btw.

I was wondering...you say you've learned a lot from this and I wondered what you'd learned.

Also, you've mentioned about avoidant attachment and I've seen it mentioned on other threads recently. I don't really get it. To me, it very much means someone isn't interested. If that's because they're scared, they have too much baggage surely?

Op sorry but I think you must come from a different planet . Men don't care if they dip it in protected or not . I honestly
Have never come across any man that cared or has anyone I know make and female
Said otherwise . I think it's because you didn't have sex that's he's not contacted you . Men like this are complete dick heads ! He is probably moving on to someone else as we speak . You deserve better than him and somone who appreciates
You as a person not just somone to have sex with and dump

Op I just seen he messaged you . I'm so sorry. What an utter scum bag ! Like I said you deserve so much better than him . You seem so lovely . The right one will come . Just make sure he can last longer than 2 seconds 😂❤️

I seen him at yoga last night.

He was so stressed and awkward. I just laughed and smiled.

Anyway he approached me at the end of class in a total panic asking if we can still be friends as he would like to see me again.

I just said but why? Its fine - just leave it? He said but I loved our time together. I said 'you said you did not want a relationship after ghosting me for two days after we slept over then called it off via a text message.' And just laughed and walked away.

I suppose I might need to find a new yoga class now FGS

Lol hes a moron

I learned to stay away from guys who only message you once every couple of days as they are unavailable and not interested to begin with - as you run the risk of them trying to have sex anyway (they might as well) and calling it off under a guise of incompatibility that they probably already knew about

Read attached - it is a great book about attachment styles

You are handling of all this great dignity and knowing your boundaries. I’m glad you didn’t cave in when you saw him at yoga. Must have been tough. Good on you.

Well done, OP. Textbook walking away with head held high.

How awkward. It sounds like he has no idea what he wants or he wants all the benefits of a relationship without having a relationship which leaves him free to date others? Men are so confusing (maybe us women are too). Well done to you for standing up for yourself and walking away, I probably need to do this too.

Why is be so fixated about being friends and seeing me again?

@Lovemusic33

He seemed pathetic now I am out the other side.

This. Well done OP

@hairtwirl he doesn't want the whole yoga class to know he lasts 2 seconds...

Well done OP. Kept your dignity and handled it really well. I'm proud of you!

Hope you feel okay about it.