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Original poster

I stayed over.

427 replies

hairtwirl · 23/05/2022 10:56

Third date on Saturday
He insisted I stayed over instead of Uber home - I was happy as night had gone well
No sex

Had been talking 6-8 weeks

He had worked away in the middle so did not see each other then

He said 'see you soon' when I left in the morning and all seemed fairly normal from my point of view. I left about 10am on Sunday

NC from him since I left. Did text yesterday to hope his work day had went well but no response

Bad sign?

For context he is a 'bad texter' and frequently leaves 12-24 hours with text replies and will respond something thoughful. I suppose I probably just feel sensitive as we cuddled and kissed the whole night - but we have never spoken about anything heavy / exclusive / had intercourse. I was happy with way things were going

I seen anti depressants in his bathroom which is no problem for me - but makes me think I should go easy on him and not jump to conclusions about his contact style

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 24/05/2022 10:53

Doesn't sound like dumping to me, more like managing your expectations. If you are prepared to accept him as he is, he is prepared to continue entirely on his own terms.

It could easily be all he can offer, at this point in his life.

Doesn't sound very attractive to me.

CrankyFrankie · 24/05/2022 10:55

Ha OP I certainly do feel another thread coming on in a week or two ...!
IMO he didn't just dump you. He is an emotional fu'cktard and will mess with your head. WELL BLOODY DONE for not playing his game. His nose will be out of joint by your response. He will pop back up. STAY STRONG! (But also, the heart wants what the heart wants, eh... And if you can understand/excuse your mate who 'self-sabotages', then I'm guessing this guy will wiggle back in.)

CrankyFrankie · 24/05/2022 10:56

PS can you just delete his number, rather than block him? At least that will stop any danger of you opening it back up after a vino or two.

Suprima · 24/05/2022 10:58

hairtwirl · 24/05/2022 10:19

It could well be.

Show quote history

This is exactly what penpals want

female emotional energy which they can turn on like a tap. companionship on their terms and someone always pathetically text back when they decide they want to reach out. Someone on call for a hand job when they bother to arrange a date.

a girlfriend type with ‘no expectations’ - exactly what he has said to you

do not engage with any more men who are anything less but desperate to see you or
talk to you. It doesn’t mean they won’t turn out to be dicks, they might- but an apathetic man is just that. Not bothered about you.

Easilystartled · 24/05/2022 11:00

Aah, sorry it ended like this OP. You either dodged a bullet………or he misfired 😉
Either way, no great loss. Pick yourself up and hopefully the next one will be better.

Sunnygirl1 · 24/05/2022 11:01

hairtwirl · 24/05/2022 10:37

It reads to me like he is ending it but softening the blow.

I suppose thats why its always best to do conversations like these face to face. Particularly when theres ambiguity involved like this.

The only time I ever text to call it off is if there has been clear disrespect and I would never see them again.

Show quote history

Or if it's not a face-to-face meeting, then at least a video call when you can see true emotions & his body language.

Just a matter of respect to talk it through/to finish it with at least a video call.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 24/05/2022 11:03

@Yolojo - I briefly dated a man who was managing stress (he'd had workplace disciplinary etc) and was also some sort of depressive, can't recall if he had medication for it. Anyway after a few dates and drunken texts from him I soon realised his head wasn't in a good place and decided not to see him. I think he was slightly irritated that either I wasn't pandering to his every mental health need or wanted more talk/sympathy etc around it, and it got so wearing for me. It was funny because he'd text and say 'oh you blanked me at xxx pub' and I had to rewind and I hadn't even seen him and said so! After we broke up this was.

Ironically now, he's dating a (it looks like) younger woman but she lives a 1-2 hour train ride away so I think for both of them this gives him the space he needs.

SmallPrawnEnergy · 24/05/2022 11:04

Its shit because he has messaged this first thing in the morning before work.
No message = Bastard
Message but at wrong time = Bastard

honestly it sounds like it’s for the best for both parties this you’re going your separate ways.

He sounds like an absolute shit don’t get me wrong but even just boiled down to communication you’re not compatible

DaisyQuakeJohnson · 24/05/2022 11:06

I don't think he was trying to finish it though. He was hoping to get OP to do a 'pick me' dance and also probably thinking of how he'll appear to the other women at yoga that he may (or may not) want to move on to next.

Original poster
hairtwirl · 24/05/2022 11:08

@Sunnygirl1 I am 100% in your camp Sunnygirl.

At the end of last year I had been seeing someone for a similar amount of time. He facetimed me when he had to cancel a date and we spoke through expectations like this. He was upset (more than I realised) about not being able to offer more. We are still friends to this day.

OP posts:
ErinAoife · 24/05/2022 11:12

hairtwirl · 24/05/2022 10:05

I am saying that not because I don’t want to hang out with you anymore, I really do, but just to avoid expectations. This is just how I feel. And I will totally understand if you don’t want to hang out with me now*

This reads to me like he wants to keep seeing me - on his terms?*

How weird.

Agreed with you. He wants a friend with benefit but no relationship.

Stravaig · 24/05/2022 11:12

Reality check, OP.

  • You leave his place on Sunday morning.
  • You send him a message early Sunday evening.
  • On Monday morning you start a Mumsnet thread fretting about why he's not replied. At this point it's 24 hours since you last saw him, and maybe 15 hours since you sent your message, half spent asleep.
  • You decide he's overthinking things, when clearly that's you!
  • You then proceed to share a lot of personal information about his mental health and his sexual health on a public forum with random strangers. You all make up a bunch of stories about his motivations, behaviour and sexual responses, and armchair diagnose him.
  • He sends a perfectly reasonable reply, within a totally normal timeframe, clearly and politely declining a deeper relationship, but is open to friendship.
  • You collectively decide this proves you were all right and have had a lucky escape.
Perhaps he found this thread!

OP, there is something genuine and appealing in the way you write, but your behaviour is not at all lovely. I would not date you. You are the one overthinking, and projecting your anxieties and neuroses onto others. I am also extremely concerned at your lack of boundaries in sharing someone else's personal information.

rookiemere · 24/05/2022 11:13

I met my DH in my early 30s.
At the end of our first date he said he wanted to see me again and arranged a follow up there and then.
It was so refreshing after years of mixed messages and game playing from other blokes.
I think you had a lucky escape.

JinglingHellsBells · 24/05/2022 11:21

Stravaig · 24/05/2022 11:12

Reality check, OP.

  • You leave his place on Sunday morning.
  • You send him a message early Sunday evening.
  • On Monday morning you start a Mumsnet thread fretting about why he's not replied. At this point it's 24 hours since you last saw him, and maybe 15 hours since you sent your message, half spent asleep.
  • You decide he's overthinking things, when clearly that's you!
  • You then proceed to share a lot of personal information about his mental health and his sexual health on a public forum with random strangers. You all make up a bunch of stories about his motivations, behaviour and sexual responses, and armchair diagnose him.
  • He sends a perfectly reasonable reply, within a totally normal timeframe, clearly and politely declining a deeper relationship, but is open to friendship.
  • You collectively decide this proves you were all right and have had a lucky escape.
Perhaps he found this thread!

OP, there is something genuine and appealing in the way you write, but your behaviour is not at all lovely. I would not date you. You are the one overthinking, and projecting your anxieties and neuroses onto others. I am also extremely concerned at your lack of boundaries in sharing someone else's personal information.

How has she shared anything that could identify him? @Stravaig

Yolojo · 24/05/2022 11:24

Stravaig She hasn't shared any of his personal information! Yeah, heaven forbid women talk with each other and share their experiences. I agree with others who've said it sounds like he wants a woman to offer him emotional support with his various issues. Nobody's saying he's a terrible person, but that his lack of availability and his mental health/ED issues would be a drain on the OP. Sometimes those with stress, anxiety and other issues want someone who experiences the same as a way to bond with each other, but it's not healthy.

DaisyQuakeJohnson · 24/05/2022 11:25

She hasn't.
It's always interesting when posters think the most important boundary is not talking about men's bad behaviour Hmm

JinglingHellsBells · 24/05/2022 11:28

The fact is he is not wanting or ready for a relationship, either with you or anyone.

After 3 dates you ought not to be so invested. But it hurts to be rejected even if the man isn't for you, and you don't really want him anyway!

In principle, maybe staying over is a bad move unless everything it clear. Is it a case of no safe way home, so he offers you his bed and he sleeps elsewhere, or he has a spare room? Or is it a case of wild hot sex that you both want and had hoped it would happen? The middle ground rarely works.

There have been so many threads here over the years where dates have ended in staying over and 'cuddles' and where the woman ends up very confused and the men clearly have issues.

Original poster
hairtwirl · 24/05/2022 11:29

Yolojo · 24/05/2022 11:24

Stravaig She hasn't shared any of his personal information! Yeah, heaven forbid women talk with each other and share their experiences. I agree with others who've said it sounds like he wants a woman to offer him emotional support with his various issues. Nobody's saying he's a terrible person, but that his lack of availability and his mental health/ED issues would be a drain on the OP. Sometimes those with stress, anxiety and other issues want someone who experiences the same as a way to bond with each other, but it's not healthy.

I think its great woman share resources and expierences.

I remember when I was 20/21 - I was seeing a guy and he told me 'he did not want anything serious' - this was after sex and I must have been seeing him for several months at that stage. Such was my pickme and need for validation at that point I played 'cool girl' and continued it. I was like 'yes of course'. He was seeing multiple people and heaven knows why I stayed with him. If I had a resource of woman telling me 'it will not end well' - I would have been so grateful. Of course it did not end well.

OP posts:
Original poster
hairtwirl · 24/05/2022 11:30

JinglingHellsBells · 24/05/2022 11:28

The fact is he is not wanting or ready for a relationship, either with you or anyone.

After 3 dates you ought not to be so invested. But it hurts to be rejected even if the man isn't for you, and you don't really want him anyway!

In principle, maybe staying over is a bad move unless everything it clear. Is it a case of no safe way home, so he offers you his bed and he sleeps elsewhere, or he has a spare room? Or is it a case of wild hot sex that you both want and had hoped it would happen? The middle ground rarely works.

There have been so many threads here over the years where dates have ended in staying over and 'cuddles' and where the woman ends up very confused and the men clearly have issues.

Yep, staying over was a bad move. Uber next time. It made me feel more vulnearable.

OP posts:
Spitescreen · 24/05/2022 11:40

I like you, OP. If only for your line about awkward glances during Downward Dog. Grin

This guy didn’t deserve you, anyway.

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 24/05/2022 11:43

I usually just lurk on relationships threads as I rarely have any advice and prefer to learn from everyone else, but in my experience, people who push and push and push about "what do you do to destress" and don't see exercise/mindfulness/(the yoga he already knew you do) as a "destressing" exercise are usually the sort of people on illicit substances, adamant they're not addicted (they're just "destressing" life is haaaard) looking for someone else who is also into those. Especially when they're erratic in reading/replying to things. Maybe he was hoping with your job/money that you'd have a good supply of something to share?

Stravaig · 24/05/2022 11:46

OP, I think it was too much too soon, either the sex itself, or the kissing and cuddling instead, which can feel more intimate. I think it left you feeling confused and vulnerable and anxious. I think instead of a Mumsnet thread where we supported you to sit with your feelings and explore them, we instead have this other thing, which has made your feelings his fault and focused on him. Now you have laid him bare and exposed him just as you feel vulnerable and exposed. Not consciously, but it's happened nonetheless, and it's a betrayal of trust and intimacy. Mumsnet has failed you, I feel.

Of course, this is just a story I have made up, it's how I interpret events - it may be just as wrong as all the other versions!

Original poster
hairtwirl · 24/05/2022 11:51

Stravaig · 24/05/2022 11:46

OP, I think it was too much too soon, either the sex itself, or the kissing and cuddling instead, which can feel more intimate. I think it left you feeling confused and vulnerable and anxious. I think instead of a Mumsnet thread where we supported you to sit with your feelings and explore them, we instead have this other thing, which has made your feelings his fault and focused on him. Now you have laid him bare and exposed him just as you feel vulnerable and exposed. Not consciously, but it's happened nonetheless, and it's a betrayal of trust and intimacy. Mumsnet has failed you, I feel.

Of course, this is just a story I have made up, it's how I interpret events - it may be just as wrong as all the other versions!

No @Stravaig you have a point.

I agree I felt vulnearable and I think your view should be taken on board.

There is always a huge amount of speculation and validation on forums seeking advice. I suppose if you are making a Mumsnet post about someone you have known for a matter of weeks this in itself has to be seen as a red flag - regardless as to who is really at fault.

OP posts:
Catspyjamas01 · 24/05/2022 11:56

OP I did online dating on and off for about 6 years and am a similar age to you. I came across SO MANY of these unavailable men situations. They’re not your typical players and probably aren’t seeing anyone else which makes you let your guard down. but ultimately it’s such a waste of time and hurt. Looking back I wasted DAYS on waiting for texts, making excuses for people who couldn’t be bothered because I didn’t come across as a psycho or clingy. I even made similar posts on this site and had some replies similar to you here, saying wanting a text back within 24 hours was being desperate. Looking back I would confidently say most of these posters can’t have had recent experience of online dating and I wish I never listened to them.

You must be honest with yourself about what you want, and if it’s a committed relationship that’s fine. Hold out for it and don’t waste any time on these unavailable men. As soon as I decided to do that, it was difficult but my life improved a lot as I wasn’t stressing out constantly checking my phone for a text or worrying about someone else’s motives. A few months later I met my DP who always made his intentions very clear and now a few years later we are planning our wedding.

I wanted to reply as I resonated with every step of your thread and every thought process and really think you 100% deserve better

Original poster
hairtwirl · 24/05/2022 12:01

Catspyjamas01 · 24/05/2022 11:56

OP I did online dating on and off for about 6 years and am a similar age to you. I came across SO MANY of these unavailable men situations. They’re not your typical players and probably aren’t seeing anyone else which makes you let your guard down. but ultimately it’s such a waste of time and hurt. Looking back I wasted DAYS on waiting for texts, making excuses for people who couldn’t be bothered because I didn’t come across as a psycho or clingy. I even made similar posts on this site and had some replies similar to you here, saying wanting a text back within 24 hours was being desperate. Looking back I would confidently say most of these posters can’t have had recent experience of online dating and I wish I never listened to them.

You must be honest with yourself about what you want, and if it’s a committed relationship that’s fine. Hold out for it and don’t waste any time on these unavailable men. As soon as I decided to do that, it was difficult but my life improved a lot as I wasn’t stressing out constantly checking my phone for a text or worrying about someone else’s motives. A few months later I met my DP who always made his intentions very clear and now a few years later we are planning our wedding.

I wanted to reply as I resonated with every step of your thread and every thought process and really think you 100% deserve better

Bless you. Thank you for giving me hope. ❤️

OP posts: