I stayed over.

[hairtwirl]

Third date on Saturday
He insisted I stayed over instead of Uber home - I was happy as night had gone well
No sex

Had been talking 6-8 weeks

He had worked away in the middle so did not see each other then

He said 'see you soon' when I left in the morning and all seemed fairly normal from my point of view. I left about 10am on Sunday

NC from him since I left. Did text yesterday to hope his work day had went well but no response

Bad sign?

For context he is a 'bad texter' and frequently leaves 12-24 hours with text replies and will respond something thoughful. I suppose I probably just feel sensitive as we cuddled and kissed the whole night - but we have never spoken about anything heavy / exclusive / had intercourse. I was happy with way things were going

I seen anti depressants in his bathroom which is no problem for me - but makes me think I should go easy on him and not jump to conclusions about his contact style

I am saying that not because I don’t want to hang out with you anymore, I really do, but just to avoid expectations. This is just how I feel. And I will totally understand if you don’t want to hang out with me now*

This reads to me like he wants to keep seeing me - on his terms?*

How weird.

He wants to keep you as an option until something better comes along. You're better off without, he sounds like hard work. You'd probably feel worse if you'd slept with him, so at least it didn't go that far, and at least he's finally letting you know without stringing you along further.

@JinglingHellsBells

Also the fact he regards your work as 'stressful' and was telling you to quit says a lot. He must have a low stress threshold himself but he could also have felt overshadowed by you being so capable

This. He seemed to keep pushing. But what do you do to destress? I said outdoor swimming - thats why I went this morning. He said but what else? I said I go to the gym. He said but what else? I said I use essential oils and meditation. He said 'you are so stressed'. I was like 'I'm not' because 'I take responsibility for my mental health'. He said I needed to take a long sabbatical to recalibrate. I was like ? He never said to quit. I said I could always change careers if it gets too much - he said 'but you would get bored not using your knowledge'. Like he had known me for years. Odd.

OP - you're in the best time of your life (early 30s) to meet someone new. When I was at this age I was very depressed over various issues so didn't really want to meet someone new.

A good friend of mine actually met her now DH through a proper old fashioned internet dating site (office?), she was sick of men she'd dated who were weird/messed her around, so she decided to join via this method and met someone who almost immediately (after a few months) got serious, they moved in and then got married, she then had her first baby.

All this agg and confusion for a man who has been using you as a pen pal and you’ve met in person twice. Who texts you once a day, leaves you on read and when he does get in touch hasn’t even read your messages. This is “usual”.

he is not into you. And if men have ghosted you before it’s because you are continuing on even though they have made it clear that they are not into you.

please ignore anyone who tries to spin this as positive or his contact style as normal. It’s not normal. It’s normal for a man who is completely apathetic.

you are far too available and emotionally involved for a man who has given you so little. Stop texting him pleasantries about croissants and start multiple dating with men who are displaying early green flags.

green flags:

• Frequent communication which is not ‘deep’. No love bombing or intimacy faking - easy breezy giddy excitement as you plan your next date or snap a picture of something that reminds you of that conversation you had the other day
• wants to meet very soon after chatting
• dates weekly at least- ideally ‘prime time’ Friday/Saturday so you can see that he is prioritising you with his calendar
• if he ever goes out of touch, there is an explanation ‘need to stick my head down and do some work now. Speak to you tomorrow xxx’ ‘snowed under with a project right now, will emerge Thursday. Can’t wait for our date.’
• takes the lead and plans nice activities for you to do on your dates- he is dynamic. You don’t need to ‘chase’ because he has his own ideas and plans and is desperate to see you. Of course- this should take your interests into account and he should be receptive to what you want to do to

you should not be posting threads about mr three dates. None of this is positive or normal.

No, again, based on male friends of mine, I'd take that bit at face value @hairtwirl and accept that that is how he feels. He likes you, probably fancies you, but doesn't see a relationship with you. In my experience, men tend to do less of the cryptic messages and hidden meanings - though they might take their time to try and phrase things diplomatically or kindly. I've been on the receiving end of those. It is what it is. You're now both on the same page as regards what the situation is.

Having seen your latest message, what you said and what he said about destressing, yes, he's probably in a different place due to being on ADs etc. I'd consider moving my yoga class or briefly if it's going to be awkward seeing him,

One other thought....it's not up to you to 'teach him' how to overcome his sex issues BUT it did cross my mind that some of the language you used in your posts like ' intercourse' and 'manual stimulation' are quite cold, textbook words, which we usually use in a medical /academic setting. Is this how you would normally talk about sex?

I believe 100% he has issues, probably deep ones around attachment and intimacy, but at the same time if you didn't talk to him about his responses and make light of it, (in other words maybe you did 'collude' with his own embarrassment) that might have contributed to his backing off.

Cats out the bag. I am a sexual health professional. 😂

It sounds a bit like a guy I was messaging. He was going through some emotional stuff and so wanted to talk about managing stress etc with me. To be honest, I've been through all that, I've learned how to cope now and am getting on with it. I think it made him feel a bit inadequate that I was managing and he wasn't.

For me, successful dating and messaging are all about communicating well.
For that to happen, we both need to agree on what to expect approximately and when to expect reply messages at the latest (say the next evening before going to bed or in 2-3 days at the latest) and not to guess.

Before leaving him when he says 'see you soon', I would say: 'I will message you tomorrow morning or evening at the latest.
It would be nice if you could reply on the same day or maximum the next day so I am not guessing anything or wondering how long you will take to reply or if you are interested in keeping in touch/seeing/dating me at all.

What was on his profile if you met online? To find my husband I was saying on my profile: 'I am looking for my future husband to have a family and a baby/children with'.

Modern dating apps and sites often assume FWBs results, nothing serious, not much responsibility and I didn't want just that. I wanted proper committed deep mutual love relations and I got what I wanted and what I was describing I wanted.

It could well be.

Also, when it shows he hasn't read your message, it might be not true.

For example, FB & What's Up have an option 'to unsee the message'. He could have read it and then could have done that. What for to do it (to unsee the message), I don't personally get it.😊

I don't think it's odd he suggested you would waste your knowledge if you changed careers. I don't know what you actually do- mental health nurse, psychologist, therapist? But whatever it is, perhaps that attracted him to you even subconsciously as he could find someone to empathise with his own feelings.

Also- and this is stereotyping I know- a lot of men who work away (on rigs etc and do the weeks on/ weeks off, or live and work in different places) often have psychological issues of some sorts. They choose the dual lifestyle as it suits them in some ways. I've seen it through friends involved with men like that, and heard it via HR where they deal with those issues.

Sexual health professional ! I think this man felt literally overwhelmed by you on the date and also had his inadequacies exposed.

What he probably needs is a women who calls a spade a spade and gets his rocks off him, very upfront, not like you at all :)

Well he has read it now. I usually do not block but I do feel there is a chance he could pop back up again and continue this pantomime.

@JinglingHellsBells I agree. Any guy I have met who has done thise jobs its usually a choice because the distancing suits them well. I suppose if thats how they chose to live their life what can one say?

Plenty out there who are like this! Sorry to say it.

I suspect you're right that he may well pop back up. I don't think his message was 'ending it' strictly. He was making it clear that he was happy to continue seeing you but on his terms only - take it or leave it. You've left it (thank god) but I'm sure he'd love to continue being given hand jobs without having to satisfy you. So blocking him would be a wise move in this instance, I feel.
Sorry this had happened to you. He really sounds all round inadequate and I'm sure you can do much better. Big breezy smiles at yoga and move on.

It'd be using the phrase 'hang out' repeatedly which would be a slight turn off for me.

His message in general reads like he wants to use you for sex.

It reads to me like he is ending it but softening the blow.

I suppose thats why its always best to do conversations like these face to face. Particularly when theres ambiguity involved like this.

The only time I ever text to call it off is if there has been clear disrespect and I would never see them again.

anxiety / ocd also - which is why I am giving benefit of the doubt

I would encourage you to think very carefully about getting into a relationship with someone who has anxiety and / or OCS. It can be exhausting for everyone involved.

Do you really want all your energy sucked into a bottomless void ? In bad cases, it can leave little time for anything else.

It's very early days for you and there is already this level of uncertainty. I hope it works out well for you. Can you talk to him about how you would appreciate hearing from him more frequently? Though having typed that, I think when people want to get in touch, they do do. Imagine a lifetime of waiting to hear from him or always being the one who gets in touch.

Hes just dumped me by text doll

🙃

I doubt he's looking for FWB 😬

Hmm, he reminds me of someone I dated round about the same age. He was a player. Not in the negging or showy sense. In fact you'd have thought him perfectly polite and kind, but below the surface in a subtly manipulative way.

He had quite firm ideas of what women should be like eg you should be stressed about your job; you should have a weakness that he can either explore or exploit. He's intimidated by you. You are confident in your career, your ability to handle stress, and in setting sexual boundaries. He was looking for gaps in all of those places and now he's looking for a gap in your ability to accept whatever crumbs he throws at you as 'not a relationship'.

Don't waste any more time on him.

He's 37 and still unsure what he wants. Not a good sign.

I'd avoid. I've known quite a few late 30 somethings and they are relationship avoidant and have issues. Big issues.

He's way too casual and if he has all these issues do you really want to be the one to sort them out?

Why not find someone simpler. Also his challenges to your job and recalibration sound really odd. I'd not like that at all. He sounded jealous like you needed to be relcalibrate to his level!!

Move on.