Dating thread 229: Traversing the world of dating

[SortingItOut]

The Rules:

The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

Develop a thick skin.

Do not invest emotionally too soon.

It's all BS until it actually happens.

Trust your gut instinct.

People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.

Know your worth.

If it's not fun, stop.

Loo update is mandatory.

No dating the thread.

Treat others as you'd like to be treated

Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with

The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@LuckyLinda3 …I’m not in love. Perhaps that’s why I am chilled. I’ve been crazy in love though and then I was a lot more nervous and did feel in control to be honest. But I like my life right now and I enjoy having control. Hang on in there and try to at least say what really matters to you without being confrontational or too emotional . I know it’s difficult

Thank you @Mila14

For those of you who have ended up ‘dating for a few months & it’s gone wrong, how long before you’ve tried again?

My last relationship ended like this in March. I tested the waters on Bumble about a month Iater. I figured why wallow. Ultimately if you want to meet someone, you get back on the horse.

Evening didnt go as planned. He rang after his shift to see if I was in but i was in the shower so he just went on home. He rang when he got home to say he was tired after a 13hr shift and thought I was busy so just went home. He sensed I was annoyed and offered to come back up and stay overnight and go from mine to work but I just said it was late, he was tired and we would leave it. Cant help feeling its going to be difficult to get past this phase.

@LuckyLinda3 Sounds like miscommunication.
Does he usually ring before he comes over?
Maybe next time you arrange a meet up he needs to be told to come over regardless of whether you answer your phone.

He must be shattered working these long shifts, if he had come round what kind of evening would you have had with him being shattered and going to work tomorrow so presumably needing to go to bed early.

I'd still give it time, did you set a mental deadline like Step said?
You're still annoyed about him missing the trip and this missed opportunity is now added to it.

I'm not sure when you should arrange dayes for but after a 13hr shift sounds unworkable.

It sounds like you want more time with him which he can't give, no one is wrong in this situation,you might not be compatible if your schedules don't align.

It’s tricky when free times don’t align, Ms H works shifts, so spur of the moment things are out and meetings are generally planned in advance (which is okay with us), but if that doesn’t fit well with you it may well be an issue

@LuckyLinda3 how frustrating. You must have felt fed up when you realised that you had missed his call. How have you managed up to now juggling your availability with his long shifts and other commitments ? I think it’s today that you are heading over here for your trip with your daughter? That will be a good distraction. I’d focus now on finding a time with your fella asap after you are back and seeing if there is an underlying issue or whether this is just a bump in the road.

I spent a few hours with Mr Cherry yesterday evening, more kissing but still no sex. Feeling a bit frustrated. But other than that things are going ok, we are getting to know each other, he has a few annoying quirks but I’m sure I do too. No major red flags which makes a change, maybe he’s just on his best behaviour.

I have another iron and I kind of feel bad talking to him, I know he’s going to ask to meet me but I can’t do the ‘dating more than one person’ thing, especially not when I’m getting feeling for Mr Cherry. How do I let him down gently? Do I just tell him the truth? I don’t do ghosting people.

Part time relationships with limited time can be tricky

sometimes one party isn’t feeling sexy , chatty , energetic , happy , well , calm
the list goes on

so it you only have a small window and it can bomb

Plus men have ED , women have periods and peri meno , meno etc
so even sex can be patchy at times

Lovemusic33

I just say ‘don’t want to waste your Time here , I’ve kind of got back with my ex and need to see how things pan out . Sorry ‘

sorry no sex ! He’s a patient man isn’t he !

There's quite a lot of 'damning with faint praise' here! Are you sure you're 'feeling it' enough with him? What are his annoying quirks? Things are going 'ok'..? Just playing devil's advocate... I also can't really do the dating/chatting to more than one person, I really wish I could as it seems to be the best way to avoid over-investing in one person too early on. I've realised that honing in on one person, giving them the responsibility of meeting all my needs before I even really know them, and then getting upset/disappointed when they fail to be the answer to all my dreams..... is not the answer!

Current iron seems to be avoiding my fixating on him either a) by just being straightforward and emotionally available and therefore not triggering my usual push-pull dynamic or b) and still entirely possible the other option is that he's not right for me and if he was I'd be more obsessed.

There's a common trajectory for me 'waaaah I never want to go through this again there's no way I'm going back on the apps I can't face it' through to idle swiping.... 0 to 60 in about 4-6 weeks usually

@SortingItOut @Stepcount @HowlongWillThisTakeNow thanks for your replies. Yes he does always ring first so I was disappointed to miss it. I also realise after a 13hr shift it's far from ideal. If I'm honest we have had this issue from the start but have managed to mostly work through it because in so many ways we are so good together. I think sorting has it exactly right, it's like an added disappointment now but I'm just going to focus now on having a lovely time away with my DD and take it from there.

Blunt question, but why no sex ?
A him thing, a you thing, a timing thing ?

I say ‘quirks’ but I guess it’s just his personality (which I do like). I am feeling it, probably too much. We are quite similar but there’s a few things he has strong view on that I don’t I can deal with that, nothing too major, we have a lot in common but also have interests that the other isn’t interested in which is fine too. I guess I’m say ‘it’s going ok’ because I would like things to move a bit faster in the way of sex and intimacy, I have itch that needs scratching 😉. Hopefully seeing him tomorrow.

@LuckyLinda3 …I think this issue with schedules is hard but if you are good together you need to make it work. The guy missed you, went home after 13h shift and still offered to go back you …I think he’s really decent and must like you a lot to do that. Cut him some slack, rest on your holidays and perhaps plan week schedule carefully to meet.
@Lovemusic33 …no sex advance is rare. Where do people find these guys?? The ones I meet are looking forward to that to be honest. I think you are quite invested in MrCherry and therefore no need for second iron…it’s natural
@ibelieveinmirrorballs …I hear you…You have a really good bloke right now and you just can’t believe it. If you click in fundamentals…this is the guy for you right now
@Cmit08 …there are no rules…whatever you feel like and works for you. Take a break or swipe madly…as you wish

I think the sex thing is him trying to be a gentleman and me being a bit too shy to make the first move 😬. I think he wants to get to know me better, where as I just want to get on with it.

@Mila14 thanks for replying, yes I think I need timeout to chill. Really appreciate the different perspectives on here.

@Lovemusic33 could you suggest next date is a sleepover and then it makes it clear you are up for it without having to make an actual lunge at him 😀

I wish I could but I don’t have anyone to look after dc overnight unless I plan way ahead. I was at his yesterday evening for quite a while, maybe I should have just thrown myself at him? I just didn’t really find the right moment. I might try tomorrow depending on if we go out or go back to his. It’s a bit awkward at the moment as I can’t invite him back to mine as I have dd1 home on study leave.

Lovemusic33

your main option right now is to have a few drinks and gently lunge
when you kiss 😘 move his hands where you want to have them
or just ask him ! Wanna fuck 😏

gosh it’s never simple is it !!!

There is no reason you cannot make gently make the 1st move, when you are having a bit of a kiss just reach down and see what’s happening ‘downstairs’ and then don’t do anything, you need to kinda let him know it’s okay to make an advance without actually telling him

ibelieveinmirrorballs

hows Covid ?
silly question !

@Thisisworsethananticpated its a bit brutal..! A few days of what felt like a heavy cold but now just exhausted. Desperate to get back to the gym/running etc but really not feeling it. 😵‍💫