Dating thread 229: Traversing the world of dating

[SortingItOut]

The Rules:

The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

Develop a thick skin.

Do not invest emotionally too soon.

It's all BS until it actually happens.

Trust your gut instinct.

People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.

Know your worth.

If it's not fun, stop.

Loo update is mandatory.

No dating the thread.

Treat others as you'd like to be treated

Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with

The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

pixie5121

your plan sounds wonderful 💪

{mention: pixie5121} I’ve been though the same with an iron who told me I was ‘too full on.’ This was after he’d flirted with me and asked me to follow him on Instagram! He claimed that I was ‘affecting his mental health.’ By me confronting him about it!

good riddance to Mr Dishy!

What a great update @Eesha! Sounds like you two have lots to talk about and that time spent together is feeling easy - a great start.

Agree re the deleting you vs deleting the apps comment - I was shocked when I first realised this… ahh those giddy early days when I took people at their word! 😬

Morning all, nothing to report from me but lurking and reading everything with interest. @Eesha your date sounded like perfection! So glad you had a lovely time! @Thisisworsethananticpated hope you are feeling better about balkan, have you had any more contact?
@HowlongWillThisTakeNow There is nothing at all wrong with 50+. I’m 41 and set my age range into the 50s when I was OLD. 50s can definitely be hot as they have confidence and are more worldly wise and settled. It’s all about the confidence and self assuredness! @ICrunchCrispsNotNumbers I think you’re doing amazingly well on the dating front you know, keep those boundaries nice and high lady 💛 {mention: pixie5121} I was in exactly the same mindset as you about OLD a year ago. Deleted everything last summer and been soooo much happier… but haven’t met anyone! I’ve just accepted that’s the way it will be for me though, at least I don’t gave that endless crap stressing me out anymore though, if it pisses you off - just get rid! @WeWantTheFinestWines are you still app’ing or deleted and chilling for now?
💗💗 to everyone! Xx

I totally agree with this. @HowlongWillThisTakeNow I think it's a good thing you have come off the apps if your perception is that you are worthless on there.

It should be very clear from this thread that most of us in our 40s/50s are searching for people of around our age - and that includes your age because you are NOT OLD. We have repeatedly said we don't like the negativity you seem to have about your age - we are that age too and we don't feel that way and (can only speak for myself) am working very hard to feel positive about getting older rather than feeling glum about it.

The most important attribute I'm looking for has nothing to do with how much money someone earns or how old they are (okay I admit, as I'm tall and relatively fit I do want someone of at least my height and who also wants to be fit and active) - it's about having a lighthearted, positive outlook... someone who will bring levity to my life and make it fun and easier. Someone who can make me laugh, who can make me think that things are going to be just fine when something shit happens, someone who doesn't feel sorry for themselves and just rolls their sleeves up and says "it is what it is" and gets on with it (most of the time - none of us can be like that all of the time).

It just isn't true that men of a certain age have no currency on the apps - if you read around Mumsnet you'll find women of my age saying the same thing, and yet for others of us who are the same age we don't find that. None of this is easy, the apps are full of absolute idiots not worth a second of our time (this goes for both sexes), but it's worth looking at the thread rules for a reminder that you DO need a thick skin, other people's behaviour is NOTHING TO DO WITH US, and that we should stop if it stops being fun.

Mila14

im sorry the wild partying gave you red flags
🚩
I recall your not English ?
mine thing I’ll say is the brits can love a binge , this covers all social classes too
we were discussing this yesterday and this covers all classes and is a very strange aspect of the English character
I can be guilty of this too 🙈
The 40 aged crew are especially bad

im not minimising by the way

ButterflyOfShay
hes been in touch . I’m popping over later to get my stuff , have a goodbye shag (may as well get one in ) , and discuss boundaries and expectations
I’m pretty open to this being the last time I see him to be honest , I’m struggling to forgive him for hurting me and don’t think I can move past it
but I don’t want to handle it via WhatsApp either

but I also want to eye ball him when we have the discussion , he hurt me and I know he’s really into me
I feel ok actually , I’m so so glad it’s half term

Oh gawd be careful @Thisisworsethananticpated !

There are a whole heap of conflicting statements in this post - you're going over to get your stuff but also to discuss expectations and boundaries...??

PLEASE do not reconcile with him because he has now shown you three times that he is prepared to do something that is extremely painful for you. You will be in a state of mild anxiety at all times (apart from the highs whilst seeing him) not knowing if things are going to topple down again and risking him blocking you.

So you’re getting back together @Thisisworsethananticpated 😉
i mean that in such a lighthearted way!! You two are terrible though 🤣🤣💖

Glad youre ok though!! 🧡💛💛

It’s calm honestly
i am very clear in what you said and more critically what I’ve been thinking this week
is is the BEST idea ? I’m open to the fact it might not be

as if by magic my (other ) ex texted this morning
horny ! Bless his horny little heart ❤️

ButterflyOfShay
no, that’s not necessarily happening
not at all
It’s hard to explain but the last time we met I was in a very bad way
I want to have a discussion when I’m calmer
and not on bloody WhatsApp either

Well hope it goes well sweet and glad to hear you're in a better place xx

Apropos of nothing
there was a thread here about someone who had a first date and felt like they’d known the person forever

a few people said yes I had that , felt like my best friend from day one , still married to him etc - was normal and smooth

id love to have that one day
maybe my frenetic little head will have calmed by the time I hit 60 !?

That's what most of us wish, but I posted recently that maybe we're looking for the perfect match as promised by OLD marketing.
For most of us it's all about compromise.

Shunter350

now 10 months in I’ve learnt three things

everyone has baggage
most people I message are a bit lonely too
that pornhub has a lot to blame for

@Thisisworsethananticpated I really think meeting him is a bad idea, you'll only get drawn into the toxicity again. Do you have to see him in person? It sounds like he's using you whereas you think you're getting a fun deal whereas you'll get hurt later.

Yes.

@Thisisworsethananticpated I agree…My ex boyfriend also drunk a lot ( the English way). I was good for his drinking habits to slow a bit and he tried to get fitter and healthier.. I normally go for weeks not drinking. I don’t ever drink on my own and we eurotrash drink WITH food in social settings. We don’t ever get pissed either.

Still…going to festivals and drinking and taking “things” in your (very) late 40s is a massive no.
He’s lovely otherwise but it’s a worry medium and long term. We spent day together yesterday and I was in his home and we didn’t DTD just cuddled and stuff as I had to get back to London. Not a drop of alcohol yesterday which I think it’s good though. We were in a pub and had non alcoholic drinks.
He’s massively posh but disarmingly humble too. He’s a gentleman too which suits me.
I don’t want to mother or train anyone into fitness. But I realise when I met my ex husband, 20 years ago, he also had sky high cholesterol and drunk too much.
I don’t know…
A good thing is I don’t feel like checking any more irons, I feel 0 jealous about whatever he would do in this time I will be away and I have no wish to force anything.
I feel strangely empowered by the 3 irons I met with so far.
Mr Smile ( first iron I met) is still in contact. Another thoroughly decent lovely guy.
I never met Mr Silverfox although he tried !
I think it’s possible to have good experience and feel good with OLD. But I appear and disappear as I like and I am not fully invested because my kids take a massive preference right now. I like being alone and sleeping in my own bed too 😊

@Thisisworsethananticpated …stay strong when you meet Mr Balkan. Nothing wrong with a goodbye shag if you can handle the AFTERWARDS
You want a face to face explanation and I think it’s good you have it

Absolutely correct. I think the question is how people handle their baggage

Mila14

it’s a less attractive English feature
and I’m (in a more restrained way) guilty of it too
man’s it’s hard not too as the older (known a long time ) friends I socialise with do it too

I date foreign and they also question it

and it’s a very healthy thing to be wary off
I will say if you can have some alcohol free dates with him , very promising sign

you’ll see many other peoplE in this thread are looking to cut it too
it’s a quite a problem in English culture

Mila14
im nervous abiut later
but he’s the first person I’ve had feelings for in so many years (with ex 20 years )
if it it does end I don’t want it to be in a toxic WhatsApp blocking
he and I have both got extremely toxic vengeful exes , and I think we both deserve a less toxic end

that said he may not share my views !!!!

@Thisisworsethananticpated was it this embarrassing thread??? www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4534016-To-have-a-gut-feeling-that-a-man-I-just-met-is-the-one

Please do be cautious with Balkan! It does sound like you're going into this visit with your eyes wide open, but it equally sounds so potentially fraught!

@Thisisworsethananticpated … if you don’t see him and close this wrongly you will regret it as you had strong feelings with him. I would see him too and I admit it