Dating thread 229: Traversing the world of dating

[SortingItOut]

The Rules:

The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

Develop a thick skin.

Do not invest emotionally too soon.

It's all BS until it actually happens.

Trust your gut instinct.

People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.

Know your worth.

If it's not fun, stop.

Loo update is mandatory.

No dating the thread.

Treat others as you'd like to be treated

Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with

The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

posted recently that maybe we're looking for the perfect match as promised by OLD marketing. For most of us it's all about compromise.

Yep and once upon a time pre OLD and it's clever marketing, most of us knew it was about compromise.

Don’t worry, I’m fully aware of own value in real life, when I get talking people I actually do quite well, but online, no, I’m just another potato head in a field of potatoes & im okay with that, I’m a realist and a pragmatist, if OLD doesn’t work, I can go and do something else instead

hotnakedgelato

yes ! Made me sad for the day - as I realised I e never been Iike some people on that thread

I lie ! Was this one (similar)
www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4556462-whats-the-soonest-youve-ever-fallen-in-love

My ex boyfriend told me he loved me the first time with DTD. And I believed him. I felt exactly the same. 6 years later we had to break up. Things got complicated and I feel I really didn’t know him and he love bombed me severely the first years. He wasn’t the man I thought and had terrible ups and downs and mental health issues. I’d rather go slower next

@Shunter350

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-10861511/Is-Ick.html

This popped up earlier. I know it's the mail but it's an interesting read.

@Thisisworsethananticpated ahhhh these stories actually frighten me. If Mr S said he loved me anytime soon, I would likely bolt. I think you can have secret feelings of hope and connection early on, but not real love! I think that you should be grateful you have your head on straighter than these folks, not sad!

Me too.. I think it’s a bit insane to be honest. I’d run a mile. You can have a strong connection, a massive spark, feel huge attraction, feel very comfortable and at ease.. but if someone told me they loved me after a few weeks I’d think they were dysfunctional.

I think anything is possible but it’s almost impossible to fall in love with someone where there hasn’t been a lot of communication with. I said my ex told me after DTD first time. We’d been talking very personal stuff for weeks before that happened on a daily basis. We just clicked emotionally from the word go

Thanks! Although I can't remember what it was about!

Actually I think that’s very interesting. I sporadically feel I’ve got the ick with Mr B and I’m ready to dump him, but I know I’m also a commitment phobe so I hold right back. The ick recedes. Hmmm.

In the end I make a fair number of compromises, big and little, to stay with him because it’s in both our interests, for now, to do so. We have a State of the Relationship chat every two months or so, we both vote ‘I’m in’, we carry on. This wouldn’t work if we had to make big decisions like buying a place together or having children, but in one’s 50s it seems to work quite well.

Had a first date this afternoon, before we met he revealed he was actually a smoker and he hasn't gotten around to changing his profile, I was a bit disappointed but met anyway and had the best time, both properly laughed and both said we were really easy to talk to. He asked to go out on Thursday and said he'd pick me up from my house, just not sure if I want him to know where I live yet, I don't think he's strange in any way at all just wondering if I should be cautious?

@Thisisworsethananticpated how did you get on? Hope all went well.

@Lollysticks12 that would annoy me, mostly because I wouldn’t believe he “forgot” to update his profile - why not he honest and admit you deliberately left it off..?

It’s annoying I’m having to wait this long to meet new iron Mr Tree… I’m bristling very slightly at his very nice messages hoping I got a good night sleep etc - as though we know each other well when actually we haven’t met yet. He’s much wetter behind the ears with OLD and by comparison I’m a hoary haggard old wretch with it all who doesn’t want to be even vaguely affectionate until I’ve seen the whites of someone’s eyes (within pheromone-activating distance).

I would also feel sickened by a message like that @ibelieveinmirrorballs …. There’s a clingy suffocating vibe about it.

What does he mean by 'changing'? Did it state he was a non-smoker or did he just not say either way?

Red flag about picking you up from your house, IMO. In this day and age I would expect a man to have enough empathy to understand why a woman would be nervous about this. Why would he need to pick you up anyway? Where are you going?

ibelieveinmirrorballs

yeah I hated the ‘good morning ‘ boyfriend experience texts BEFORE you have met

but you are definitely right in your experience levels versus his 😂

went into Balkan with a long list of written notes to discuss which I waved at him !
he quailed a bit
had two bouts of (suprisingly hot and good) sex
left saying this needs discussing further

im away this week with kids

interesting take away is he doesn’t think he’s ghosting . He thinks he’s upset and having space

He totally didn’t think he’d dumped me , just was having space after a horrible argument
I totally felt dumped

🤷‍♀️

don’t know . So many elements of what we have suit me very VERY much , but how we handle conflict and disagreement is just awful and harrowing

@Lollysticks12 I had this. He said his friend had created his profile. He went to kiss me at the end of the night and I could smell smoke on him. No way I could date a smoker. Also I don't think he should have your address this early on.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs I find messages like that far too much!

@Lollysticks12 the
smoking thing just sounds like he knows he would meet more women if he lied. The home pick up is a flag to me so I would not do this at all.

@Thisisworsethananticpated Of course he doesn't think he's ghosting, to admit that would he stupid as its a deal hresker for you.
If you think you were ghosted then you were.

Needing time and space is fine but he needs to use his words to convey this rather than ignoring you.

He got you a good one, you went there to discuss issues, he gave good sex twice to take your mind off the issues and now they're all swept under the carpet

how we handle conflict and disagreement is just awful and harrowing
So why put up with it?
If you only disagreed occasionally I'd say stick with it but it seens that at least once every 10-14days there is conflict or disagreement- is he worth it?

There are loads of men out there who would suit your needs. You deserve better.

@pixie5121 his profile said non smoker, he messaged me before the date to tell me it was wrong, and to check I still wanted to meet, he said he has every intention of stopping soon but he's tried to stop multiple times so not looking good. We've been chatting for over a week and he never mentioned it.
He wanted to drive to a county pub and I'm at a BBQ in the afternoon so wanted a few drinks but I think I'll just arrange to meet somewhere closer so I can walk or taxi there.
@Eesha @Daydreamscometrue thanks for replying, I'm not going to let him pick me up.

SortingItOut
There are loads of men out there who would suit your needs

that’s where we differ - as a single mum to an sen son it’s not that easy to find someone that’s :

• 30 mins away


• has same interests as me


• accepts that I’m a a bit loopy- and I feel comfortable with them


• and most critically that I have chemistry with and fancy


• and who clearly fancies me back

I’ve been looking for a long while !!!

if I was a 35 year old I’d run for the hills
but I don’t actually want a committed relationship

But the good needs to outweigh the bad , and I’m treading with caution ⚠️

maybe when my sons more settled I’ll be ready for something more serious

and my friends are also wary and far less of a fan after this recent episode

Lollysticks12

im a vaper and I put it in my profile

after an awful video date with a very chatty widower who complained ! he said my profile said non smoker ! I was like this is Vaping mate

that was a lovely evening NOT

I smoke, I have it on my profile. I see people sometimes put no smokers and fair enough it is a rank habit. But it has never been an issue for anyone I've actually met. I am going to switch back to vaping soon - was vaping again but started smoking again during lockdown 🙄

Just seen this. Seems revelant considering this weekend’s conversations 🤣

www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/relationships/the-reasons-why-i-a-40-year-old-single-man-cannot-date-a-woman-aged-over-27-20220530221632?utm_medium=Social&utm_source=Facebook&fbclid=IwAR00slKHpCe9DmiX-sNx7w7E8IGqeU-l202yC6csuD4VwwyZ3qKK3Xj6aGA#Echobox=1653901398