Struggling so much with this break up

[Bagoshite]

Partner and I ended 2 weeks ago, my decision but I had no choice, he'd admitted he'd been messaging a woman he previously (3 years ago) had met on a seedy 'no strings' type site, and had sex with her for months behind my back.

So we're over. At first I felt ok. Sad, disappointed in him and angry with him, but now I feel absolutely awful. I said on another thread that I've reached out to 'friends'. One has been kind, but has her own shit going on so I can't burden her too much. Two others said the usual platitudes and I've not heard a peep since, they're clearly not interested. A couple more haven't even addressed it. They responded to other things in the message I sent, so clearly know, but have nothing to say. It's like I can mention it once and that's it, I can't mention it again. I guess maybe I'm meant to be over it all by now. These are all people I've know for 5+ years, most for well over 10 years. Some for nearly 40.

I'm finding work impossible. I can't complete anything, I can't sleep. I'm a comfort eater, and am basically eating non stop. I've put on nearly a stone in 2 weeks. Eating is the only thing making this less painful.

I've still not told my adult DC, one has their own stuff going on, the other is being an ass generally and refusing to do anything around the house which is not helping either.

I'm upset about lots of things though this breakup is the major one. The most painful part is that I have no one to talk to about anything else thats going on. I've had him for all these years, he was the person who was always on my side, no matter what.

I feel at my wit's end and I don't know how to get through this. I cried for about 5 hours last night until I fell asleep.

I'm in a very expensive city OP and I found my grass cutting man on FB. Just ask for one on your local fb group, see what happens. You might get a monthly mow sorted. Or yes a local teen might do it. I'd send my ds over if I saw that on FB, he always wants a few extra quid.

The only way you're going to feel better is if you make yourself feel better. So buy yourself flowers, have long hot baths, watch all the girlie films you want to watch (not love ones) and plan nice things to do. You have to pick yourself up now. Exercise, get out for walks, go swimming etc.

This time is now yours to rediscover yourself and who you are outside of your previous relationship. Do things you wouldn't do, be brave, go to places on your own. Make yourself happy OP.

Bagoshite

well London is way easier , I’m London too
I get everyone from local Facebook
elec man
washing machine man
handywoman (she’s not that great !)
and a decent babysitter

it’s a small step and an expensive step
but getting this shit done without a man is very empowering

Honestly I have tried the whole asking on FB thing in the past (both before Ex and whilst I was with him for jobs that were beyond his basic DIY skills) and its invariably a disaster, Its the same with friends, I've asked them to recommend people and either said they reply and say sorry I'm booked up, not taking on any work (one who did this I tried at 3 month intervals for a year to see if he would even quote, I felt like a stalker in the end and gave up!) or they just never reply at all, even when I'm saying Hi I'm Sally's friend, she told me what a great job you did on her (whatever job it was).

The only ones who do respond are usually expensive and not good either. They're also often rude or snippy about my house and in my current fairly vulnerable and emotional state I can do without that. Back in December we had a leak under the bathroom sink. Ex wasn't down for a couple of weeks so I tried to get someone in. Contacted 20 people. One turned up. Had a right old moan about the bathroom light not working oh can't you change the bulb love? (it's not the bulb, it's the spotlight fittings that need replacing, I've given up trying to get an electrician) and then said he didn't know where the leak was but he'd 'stick a bit of mastic round the joint tomorrow, how does £150 sound?'

We didn't use the sink for 2 weeks, Ex came down and took it all apart, there was a blockage further up the pipe once he cleared it the leak stopped. Mastic would have done fuck all. But that's a summary of what I feel I'm up against, people wanting to charge me money for a poor job and insult my home.

Obviously the garden is a bit easier to know what does and doesn't need doing but I can tell I'll end up with someone telling me how my grass is shit or has loads of bald spots, how I need fix my fence, or pointing out a loose board in my decking or whatever, just making me feel bad and /or wanting to charge me extra to fix the stuff they've taken great delight in pointing out.

I know it all sounds a bit woe is me, but I get upset with people picking faults with my house or garden, all it does is make me feel bad.

Eldest child is rarely here and has zero interest in helping, not his job he says. Younger will try, but isn't much better than me unfortunately.

I'm considering deleting all my social media for a while, it's just making me feel shitter about my current situation seeing everyone out with their families, or in their lovely homes and gardens. On a more positive note, I'm trying to start reading again. I always used to have 2-3 books on the go at any one time and I miss it. Then when I feel better in myself I'm thinking about some kind of creative writing course. That's something I've wanted to do for a long time and never got round to.

Please do the course! I did an evening course at college last year and it was my saviour through awful times with my ex, it will give you enjoyment and you may well end up making new friends!

I've had a quick look, our local adult education college only seems to offer literacy/ numeracy courses (plus other stuff like floristry, cookery etc which is not for me). The nearest writing course I can find is about 30 mins away, and starts at the end of Sept. I might have a look at online options. I don't think I'm ready yet, but Sept seems quite a way away, plus the location isn't ideal. I'll see what else there is.

Yes please do the course OP, and treat yourself to a new book. There's also meetup groups for writers near where I live so I would assume in London there is similar. I think you just take your laptop and coffee money and away you go.

Now is the time to do things you wouldn't have done before.

Ive only just caught up with your thread and so feel for you and totally get what you’re going through at the moment, break-ups are total shit. I was dumped on Saturday, two year relationship that I honestly believed had a future. I’m 10 years older than you and, like you, I can’t help but feel, is this it?? I can’t stop crying and am barely functioning at the moment.

I’ve had two long term relationships and was mightyly dumped from both of those and the hurt seems worse with this one. I’m going through everything you are at the moment, even though the split up circumstances are different.

Luckily I have hugely supportive friends (though no family) and they’re helping me through but, I see him in everything I look at, think of or go. Like you I’m thinking of leaving social media for a while, I can’t bear to read about happy couples.

Know you’re not alone in this. Feel free to message me if you’d like to chat/rant or whatever.

I'm sorry you're going through the mill and have so little support, OP.

I don't have much to offer except that in my experience, grief and loss tend to snowball... you find yourself not just experiencing your current situation but also reliving historical pain, such as losing both parents at such a young age. This makes the loneliness and pain all the more overwhelming.

If you can, try to consciously separate the strands so that you are dealing with "just" the recent betrayal and split.

Time really is a great healer, but unfortunately the process can't be rushed. You will feel better eventually, and every day that passes brings you one step closer to a time when you will be happy again. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and remembering to breathe.

Self-care is often the first thing to go out of the window at times like this, but it's important that you look after yourself properly. Keep trying to do the right things, and build habits that nurture you. It might help to follow (say) a 30-day yoga course on YouTube, such as this:

Good luck!

Not sure why the link didn't work... I was suggesting Lesley Fightmaster's 30 days of Hatha Yoga for Happiness, .

Bad day today. Feeling unwell (have had a migraine type headache all day) and just really miss him. I miss my best friend. This is awful. I think about contacting him, then remember that by now of course he's all pally with HER, and that I'm not contacting him so she gets the opportunity to bitch about me behind my back (again). Fuck that.

I'm still so angry though, I'm the only person in this who did nothing wrong and I'm the one who has no one.

I've had 10 days or so of not really feeling anything about it, not sad or angry, just kind of resigned, that this lonely existence is my shitty life now. It's not bad as such, I have lots to be grateful for, but still...

And then this morning I woke up early and did some social media stalking, yes I know it's a bad idea. And nearly threw up at him and her chatting shit on her FB page. Honestly they are vile the pair of them. So much for her boyfriend (which I knew was BS anyway). I'm angry again now,, how do they get away with it? Here I am being the bigger person, maintaining a dignified silence whilst that pair of twats do what they want, have each other to chat to, blah blah? It makes me sick it really does.

Take your eyes off them!!! Really, dont stalk them.

Focus in you. Is single life shitty?? I dont think so! You have work to do to improve your circumstances. You could lay in bed looking over at what he's up to, or you could get up and get cracking??

It is shitty. I've lost my best and closest friend. I'm on my own 95% of the time. I sit in my office working all day, go downstairs and make dinner, tidy up, go to bed. I have a nice(ish) house and money, and my health, but it's still a lonely existence - when my DC move out in a couple of years I'll be one of those people who goes days without speaking to another adult.

I'm not spying on their social media constantly, this is the first time in a while. They're blocked on my account so I used a burner account I have for work purposes. Even when I'm not looking though, I know it's there. I know they are having a high old time chatting and flirting <vomit> while I, who did nothing wrong, end up on my own. I'm the one who is coming off worst, and it's so bloody unfair.

I just miss having someone to talk to. Someone I made laugh, and vice versa, someone who I could ask for advice, or bounce ideas off, or just chat with about the inanities of life. Someone who was always on my side, no matter what :(

He wasn’t on your side though was he? And he isn’t your friend.

You really need to start seeing him for what he is and not what you wished him to be. Find your anger - he cheated on you, and then picked up contact with her again knowing what it would do to you.

If you don’t change your mindset, you will be stuck in this limbo and stop yourself moving on. Fuck him, let him have her - he will do the same to her. He isn’t a prize, he’s a weak selfish cheat!

Stop looking at all the things you thought were so great about him and really look at how he treated you. Write a list of the bad things he did and look at it every time you’re tempted to check his social media.

He really isn’t a good man, you need to take him off that pedestal.

After an unexpected and devastating break up (in my mid 60s ffs!) I became a relentless social media stalker. Eventually, I stopped, realising what is the point of seeing what he's up to and who he's chatting with? No longer my business and it does induce more upset and rage - how DARE he carry on with life as normal while I'm in bits?

Soon after I stopped stalking, I felt cleaner, somehow. Still grieving but with more dignity.

As time passed, I started buying myself flowers, making dainty, healthy little meals, and generally upping my self-nurturing. It really does help to be your own best friend.

When he contacted her again, no that wasn't him being my friend or on my side, but in general, he always was. He certainly wasn't perfect but I'm not perfect either, and he had more positives, more qualities that I value, than anyone I know. That's not me putting him on a pedestal, what he did was unforgivable and there's no way back. But I know what we had was everything I always wanted. It's a shame it wasn't enough for him and he threw it away for a fake friendship with someone so unpleasant.

I've been angry with him but that achieves fuck all...he doesn't suffer because of my anger, and nor does she. Instead they get to have a jolly old time, her no doubt taking the piss out of me like she did before, because she thinks her pathetic existence and shagging 100s of men on sex sites makes her something special or aspirational. And in the meantime I'm the one on my own, maintaining my dignified silence.

In the olden days, hundreds of years ago, there'd be some consequence, you'd get ostracised by your community or something. But now the only one who suffers is me.

I'm lonely and sad. My life was planned around my work, family and relationship. And now one of those elements has dropped off. My life literally feels unbalanced.

When I was single before, in my 30s, I'd escaped a shit relationship, I wanted to get out, socialise, go on dates, live my life. I used to be out every weekend. I've got no interest in going out and getting drunk, I don't want to go on dates, the thought makes me feel sick. I wouldn't mind daytime meets with friends, but they're all busy until September, doing things with their families or their other friends. So I'll just plod on and try and stay off social media. What else can I do? <shrug>

I start to think maybe I should have just shut my eyes to it. Maybe I should have said it didn't matter he valued himself, and me, and us, so little as to be in contact with that revolting thing, to be talking to her about our relationship. But I know that's no way to live my life. It would have meant I wouldn't be on my own. I'd still have everything that was important to me. But the cost would just be too great.

I just miss him. Every day. I had a dream last night where we were talking about trying again, and I said no. That I couldn't because what he'd done couldn't be undone. And that's the rub I guess. Of course in reality he's not even asked to try again, hes thrown it all away for nothing.

I try to understand why and I still can't. I feel it would be easier if I could, if it made more sense.

I guarantee you that if you create a fantastic life for yourself, do things that make you happy, do that college course, start exercising, make friends and a life for yourself he'll be back. The issue will then be whether you want him back or not as your mindset will have changed. You need a break up glow up! Just start small, go for a walk today and watch the sunset, take a coffee with you and sit on a hill. Start practicing gratitude, start self compassion meditations. Then next week go for an evening walk. Only you can make yourself feel better. He won't make you feel better, short term it might feel great but it won't last because you're not happy.

I've really tried to make more friends but it just doesn't happen. People I know locally are nice but already have other, closer friends, so very limited time. People at work I see infrequently and they're all miles away anyhow so difficult to develop any friendship outside work. I have a couple of other friends but they're a fair distance away and I only see them rarely. And a group of 3 friends who are about an hour away but flaky and a bit useless, hence a meet up suggested in April is taking place in October because basically they can't be bothered before then!

I honestly don't believe my ex will be back. He has no idea about anything in my life now he's off my social media and has no way to find out. And even if he was, I couldn't take him back exactly for the reasons I told him in my dream, he can't undo what he did. It's too late.

Some of my closest friends are people I met on an adult college course.

He was not your friend. You really need to see that - even if you forget him contacting her again, he has no loyalty to you, no sense of wanting to protect you if he is letting her talk shit about you and not defending you.

This is who he is now. It doesn’t matter who he was, or who he pretended to be. This is him now.

How are you doing now?

Scrawling the internet trying to find some answers and found this thread. It’s so similar to my scenario.

my heart is so unbearably broken over my ex, it’s been a few days now and I can’t eat or sleep. I just want it to get better. He done wrong and has just left me
to pick up the pieces. How are you now OP