Struggling so much with this break up

[Bagoshite]

Partner and I ended 2 weeks ago, my decision but I had no choice, he'd admitted he'd been messaging a woman he previously (3 years ago) had met on a seedy 'no strings' type site, and had sex with her for months behind my back.

So we're over. At first I felt ok. Sad, disappointed in him and angry with him, but now I feel absolutely awful. I said on another thread that I've reached out to 'friends'. One has been kind, but has her own shit going on so I can't burden her too much. Two others said the usual platitudes and I've not heard a peep since, they're clearly not interested. A couple more haven't even addressed it. They responded to other things in the message I sent, so clearly know, but have nothing to say. It's like I can mention it once and that's it, I can't mention it again. I guess maybe I'm meant to be over it all by now. These are all people I've know for 5+ years, most for well over 10 years. Some for nearly 40.

I'm finding work impossible. I can't complete anything, I can't sleep. I'm a comfort eater, and am basically eating non stop. I've put on nearly a stone in 2 weeks. Eating is the only thing making this less painful.

I've still not told my adult DC, one has their own stuff going on, the other is being an ass generally and refusing to do anything around the house which is not helping either.

I'm upset about lots of things though this breakup is the major one. The most painful part is that I have no one to talk to about anything else thats going on. I've had him for all these years, he was the person who was always on my side, no matter what.

I feel at my wit's end and I don't know how to get through this. I cried for about 5 hours last night until I fell asleep.

💐breakup pain is the worst.

You WILL feel better some day.

You are grieving the relationship you should have had. Keep going, it will get easier.

I just don't know how to get through it. He's the first person I felt I could rely on since my parents died in my early 20s. Going through all those years on my own was so hard, and now I'm back there again. I just want it to stop hurting.

You're grieving and your feelings are all relevant. It will take time but it will get better. Find ways to distract yourself, think of things you've always wanted to try and push yourself. Maybe spend time with your friends without it having to be about him, you are allowed to talk about it with them btw, they shouldn't make you feel like you can't. You are allowed to take all the time in the world that you need to process it and no one should make you feel like you can't. Just because it was your choice and he done you wrong, it does not mean it will hurt any less.
One thing I learnt after my breakup is that trying to understand why they did what they did only hurts you. It will stop you moving forward. You have to focus on you now and take care of yourself 💜

Honestly I feel worse now than I did two weeks ago, so much worse. I can't see how I'm going to feel any better. Nothing will change, I'll just I suppose get used to how (shit) life was 10 years ago before I met him.

Eating is the only way I can comfort myself, it dulls the feelings a bit. I was many years ago in an abusive relationship and would eat almost until I was sick. I can see myself falling back into that.

It's really common to have a period of "relief" followed by a period of grieving. Everything you thought you knew and could account for has fallen apart, and it is entirely normal to be feeling the way you are feeling.

I'm the opposite in that I physically cannot eat when I feel that type of heartbreak or stress, but it's still a form of harm in a way - at the moment you are feeling absolutely shit, so you are relying on something else to take away that pain in the same way people go to drink or drugs. Are there other things that bring you comfort, such as certain music, a faithful TV programme you've seen loads of times that is nice, or a book you love and would reread?

The best advice has been given and it's the hardest to implement (or was for me) - keeping busy, distracted and as focused on other things as possible. If you're anything like me you are probably in the rumination phase along with grief and going through all the things you could have done differently - don't torture yourself, you did the right thing based on your exes actions which were entirely deplorable if you were in a monogamous, exclusive relationship. There is no way once someone has committed that kind of betrayal that you can ever realistically trust them to the same extent, and you did the right thing in realising you deserved better. I also left my ex DP, so was my decision, and still had these horrible feelings of loss, grief, anger etc.

Genuinely though, it is a case of riding it out. The worst days for me were when I really thought I'd never move past the way I was feeling, but I promise you they do get easier and you fall into a new routine, and what is best, it's a routine that is led entirely by you and not anyone else. Come and talk to us if you want some company or to vent about how shitty it was, and I'm sorry your friends haven't been as supportive as you'd like them to be. Sometimes people simply do not know what to say and don't want to make things worse.

Sending you

@Bagoshite I'm sorry you're going through this. My breakup was the worst point in my life and I thought I'd never be happy again. We ended as the relationship had basically run its course, he did cheat on me throughout our 5 year relationship but I never left as I thought I couldn't be without him so good on you for leaving as you don't deserve someone like that at all. I promise this will get better and you'll look back and think how crazy it was how upset you were over him! Things will get better in time but time is the biggest healer, sending you hugs xx

I'm 5 weeks out of my relationship. He was texting his ex. Which I knew he did but I got tempted to spy when he was in the bath. What I saw was my ex telling his ex he was crying at the memories and told her to play a song from their time together. I confronted him and he was fuming I'd checked. We saw eachother a few days later. Then I tried to express I felt in the exes shadow still and he kicked me out the house. He was so angry.

My family were great st first. Now it'd fcuk him and forget him. He's an ass. Friends are the same. After 5 weeks you should be sailing through life.

But everyday I think and think about it. Why did he ever waste my time. Why didn't he get rid of his ex? Why was he still living in the past?

I'm here if you need a chat. X

You need to learn to be ok on your own.
A relationship should enhance your life, not drag you down.

Prior to recent events which led to the break up the relationship did enhance my life, in many ways. I have achieved loads over recent years thanks to my Ex's encouragement, he always believed in me and he brought a lot to my life. I was not in a relationship for many years before I met my Ex, and actually even when I was in a relationship before that, I always felt I was on my own, right from when my parents died.

I felt like I was always holding my breath, right from when I lost them, and meeting my Ex was the first time I could breathe out.

And now I'm back there again.

@Strawberrydelight55 sorry you are going through this too. I completely get you re people saying oh he's a shit you're well rid. Like I should be out celebrating!

I can understand why you would be asking yourself those questions re your Ex - why would he get together with you if he wasn't over her? Why, if he then had that realisation, did he not treat you with kindness and respect and end things then? I cannot fathom the way some men/ people's minds work.

I have asked myself why my Ex starting texting this woman again, truth is I will never know and I don't think really he knows. I think he liked the attention, he did it because he likes taking risks, because he could, because he didn't care enough about me or us. It could be one of those, or a bit of all of them. The tiny crumb of comfort I can take is that if what he did was inevitable in some way then I'm glad I know now, and not years later. 3 months ago we were looking at buying a house. Bloody glad we didnt.

Feeling a bit better. He's collected all his stuff now (and brought back a load of old crap of mine, whatevs). I didn't see him face to face but I did spy out of the window. Mainly checking he'd come on his own, and to make sure he'd driven off before I went to get my stuff in.

Stupidly I thought he might've put a note or something with it, but no, he'd just slung everything in a box in a heap.

At least that's done now I guess.

When I wake up every day my first thought is about him, and missing him, because it wasn't just a relationship, it was a friendship too. But now both are gone.

You feel shit because you are not looking after yourself at all
so it goes round and round

the grief and missing him is awful
I know that

but the ONLY way to get through this is by looking after yourself

and sometimes you have to force it
exercise
nature
eating right
and being very mindful

I understand your friends hurt , but right now I’m going through some major shit and I’m ignoring some of my friends who have problems
and I don’t have the headspace for them
that’s Ok on their side but also shit for you

you can and will get through this
and if you need to talk rant here or call a helpline such as samarritans or mind

get a diary and write it all down

im sorry as the last thing you want right now is hard work and self development
but the only thing that can get you through this is you
i won’t say ‘you are well rid ‘ as he was clearly a huge
emotional support

but you only have YOU

im sorry your hurting ❤️

But it was a friendship based on your honesty and his duplicity. That's not a true friendship, it's a good trick.

You have every right to feel really miserable right now.

If you can afford to, I would see a relationship counsellor. Friends are not always capable of bearing the offload and you really need to offload everything and have a good healthy rant and cry and get past all the confusion and pain.
Maybe try using friendship to have a break from the pain. Call friends and ask if they want to see a film (so they'll know it's not a 'can I talk at you' evening.)

I know friendship should be more supportive than this, but if it isn't, you can still get a lot from meeting friends as a diversion from all the heartache rather than a chance to explore it. If that makes sense. That way you don't feel abandoned by friends too.

I'm five weeks post breakup of my engagement. I used my mac to literally pour out the emotions every day. I'd recommend it. I went over and over it.

I'm sorry you're in this position. But do your best for you. Life is long and the road twists and turns. I thought I'd be with that guy forever and now I'm single and 47. Let's look after ourselves and make sound decisions xx

I absolutely recognise myself in this!
3 weeks in ( can’t believe that’s all it is!) for me.
I’m a blubbering wreck. Still surrounded by loads of his stuff that he didn’t immediately want! I know I need to bag it up but that all feels so final!
it’s like it’s waiting here for him to return!
my house and life feel so empty and the physical pain is the hardest pain! Paracetamol does help though! I struggle to sleep, struggle to stay asleep.
but we WILL survive , eventually, life will be different but it’s still life and we will get through it.
I’m going to try one task at a time. Today is boxing up one box of his stuff, tomorrow a second.

We weren't engaged because that wasn't something we wanted but we were life partners or so I thought. I never expected to be on my own again at this age.

I'm supposed to be going out with friends later Plastering on a smile and pretending everything is ok is about the last thing I want to do but there we go. But it'll be months before I get to see anyone otherwise so I need to do it.

Hello awww I remember that. Not knowing which room to be in because the internal state was so painful.

It gets better with each passing day.

It does get better
but by god it’s hard work until it does

Start of week 3.

Feeling better and yet no better at the same time.

I can fill my time, I've always been able to do that, being an only child you grow up being happy with your own company. But I do still miss him a lot. Having no one to tell even little things to, all our shared jokes and experiences.

I saw friends at the weekend and had a lovely time I really did. But I do wish I was still with him - the version of him before he started behaving like a dick, that is.

That's great you had a nice time with your friends. Do you run? I find big long runs, or exercise of any kind really, is great for totally emptying your mind at least for a bit of time

I did run a few years ago. I'm too overweight and unfit to run currently unfortunately. Maybe in a few months.

I do give up with some of my friends though. One of them suggested I go for a day out with her and her boyfriend (who I've met once before, I've known her since school). I said could we not just go together her and I, and her reply was she has to include him. Fucking hell, we're in our 40s not teenagers. Could she not have 1 day without him?

Don't think I'll be bothering with that frankly. I'd rather stay home.

And of course the one person I thought 'oh I know who I can rant to about this' is my Ex. It's like a kick in the stomach every time I have something to share and no one to share it with.

Bagoshite
I can do relate to this…..
so many times a day I reach for my phone to share something with X! Sometimes things I wouldn’t bother sharing with anyone else just silly stuff and sometimes important stuff!
it feels so lonely at times doesn’t it?