Struggling so much with this break up

[Bagoshite]

Partner and I ended 2 weeks ago, my decision but I had no choice, he'd admitted he'd been messaging a woman he previously (3 years ago) had met on a seedy 'no strings' type site, and had sex with her for months behind my back.

So we're over. At first I felt ok. Sad, disappointed in him and angry with him, but now I feel absolutely awful. I said on another thread that I've reached out to 'friends'. One has been kind, but has her own shit going on so I can't burden her too much. Two others said the usual platitudes and I've not heard a peep since, they're clearly not interested. A couple more haven't even addressed it. They responded to other things in the message I sent, so clearly know, but have nothing to say. It's like I can mention it once and that's it, I can't mention it again. I guess maybe I'm meant to be over it all by now. These are all people I've know for 5+ years, most for well over 10 years. Some for nearly 40.

I'm finding work impossible. I can't complete anything, I can't sleep. I'm a comfort eater, and am basically eating non stop. I've put on nearly a stone in 2 weeks. Eating is the only thing making this less painful.

I've still not told my adult DC, one has their own stuff going on, the other is being an ass generally and refusing to do anything around the house which is not helping either.

I'm upset about lots of things though this breakup is the major one. The most painful part is that I have no one to talk to about anything else thats going on. I've had him for all these years, he was the person who was always on my side, no matter what.

I feel at my wit's end and I don't know how to get through this. I cried for about 5 hours last night until I fell asleep.

What did he message her, OP? To say he was ending contact? Or more?

If you know, deep down, you can't forgive him for this, then please know you will get over this heartbreak and you WILL be strong on your own again. You don't have to go back to where you were before you met him. You are older, wiser and stronger now, even though you may not feel it. Feel proud of yourself for not putting up with a cheater. Take pride in that. You are strong!

All contact ended 3 years ago.
Then a few months ago she sent him what I'd call a fishing message, saying she thought she'd had a message from him on her birthday, and he replied and said he'd not sent anything. Then there were a couple of further exchanges where she hoped he was well, said she was always there for him as a friend (yeah right) if he fancied a chat etc, and him responding with chitchat.

Nothing dodgy, all above board.

And if she was an ex girlfriend of his, or a friend from years back, I wouldn't bat an eyelid. But knowing firstly how he shagged her behind my back before and then how fucking nasty she was, to him but mainly to me (she told me graphic detail about their sex life, loads of other stuff about other women too which she later admitted was all lies, basically she came out and said she would have said anything to get me out of the picture) I just think she's poison. Hence I couldn't turn a blind eye, nor get over how disappointed I am in him in restarting contact.

He said he was low (he is depressed) and has no friends (also true, well he had me, he doesn't now) as if that somehow justified it.

Morally I think I've done the right thing. But its shit and there's no medals for doing the right thing. I wish I could have overlooked it. The irony is I think I'd have found it easier to get past him being unfaithful again (with someone else) than any contact with her.

I can see why it stings, OP. I think you did the right thing. He betrayed your trust massively.

How has he been since the break up? Been asking for forgiveness? That he will end contact?

Just seeing your thread for the first time OP. I miss my ex some days, even though he was abusive. Which is madness. He’s still in my life regularly though as we have a DC together. And we generally get on well. I miss his friendship. It hurts to think one day he will be in a new relationship and she will be part of DC’s life. That he will tell her he loves her and she will get to enjoy all the good bits that we did have. And when I do miss him, I remind himself of the shit he put me through, that the new relationship will also eventually become abusive, and I remind myself I deserve so much fucking more. As do you. Far better to be alone than live a life wondering if he is doing something behind your back, never being able to completely relax. I’m working on making myself happy - not relying on a man to do that for me. Is there a hobby or activity that you’ve always wanted to do but for whatever reason, never started? Start now. He’s taken enough from you already, don’t let him take any more.

@MMmomDD your message reflects my inner turmoil, because I'm not young anymore -sadly!, I'm 50. My mum died (very unexpectedly) at 54. I hope I have many years left, but at 50 so did my mum. And I think shit, what if I don't meet someone else? What if I'm now on my own forever? And that doesn't fill me with joy tbh. It was absolute luck we even met at all (via OD, we were both about to delete our profiles, he was one of what I'd decided were my final 5 messages. He almost didn't read my message because he was so jaded with it all...but somehow it worked out. Then he got cancer, but thankfully recovered, 2 bereavements, a court case, we went through a lot in our time together). But then I'd always be on tenterhooks he was going to contact this woman again. Tbh i have been waiting for it for 3 years, although I'd just about reached the point where I thought it wasn't going to happen, it had been too long. But it did.

@Workquestion12 a couple of days after I left he messaged me to ask to talk. We facetimed which turned into a screaming row (him not me) where he accused me of being controlling, a narcissist, all that stuff. He was about the angriest I've ever seen him. I ended up hanging up saying I couldn't be spoken to like that. A few days later he sent me screenshots of their messages, to demonstrate there was nothing in it. He said he didn't want our relationship to end, and that he thought we would always be together. I replied and said but for him contacting that woman, we would have been. I didn't hear from him then until a week ago when he sent me a message about collecting his stuff.

At no point has he ever apologised. I did highlight to him that I thought it was shit that he'd not even managed one of those half hearted 'I'm sorry you've been upset by this' apologies. And that's it. He collected his stuff, I left it in an accessible place so I didn't have to see him, and that was that.

He didn't offer not to contact her again presumably because he didn't see anything wrong with it. Ditto asking for forgiveness /saying sorry.

You're right, he doesn't sound sorry or remorseful, OP. He sounds like a real shit if I am being honest. Getting angry and lashing out at you like that? Sounds like guilt. But you'd think he would calm down and see how wrong he's been and say sorry. You would think he would want to sit, talk it through, apologise and promise not to contact this woman again - as you've made it clear it's a problem for you. He says he doesn't want this relationship to end, but he has a funny way of showing it, right? Only you know him best. Maybe he knows, once you say it's over, it's over and there's no point. But I would expect more of a fight from him, to be honest.

@Bagoshite
If you really think that you’d ‘have found it easier to get past him being unfaithful again‘ - meaning you’d not have broken up with him over that. Vs breaking up with him over answering her ‘checking-in’ emails, that didn’t even turn flirting or reconciliatory.
I think this means that you didn’t really deal with it all three years ago, suppressed and brushed it under a carpet.
I think your reaction now is really a delayed reaction from the past hurt.

I didn’t realise from your OP that you knew about his infidelity already three years ago. Thought it all just came out now. Thats why I said - I’d have tried to try to heal and get over.
You two didn’t do it back then - and now it’s most likely too late.
You are hurt and your wound hasn’t healed.
He pushed it out of his mind and your reaction makes no sense to him, as he most likely thought you moved on like him.

I do think you still have something in your relationship worth fighting for - but it won’t be easy. You both would need to do healing/communication/rebuilding that you didn’t do three years ago.

You are only 50. Can you still meet someone - yes of course. But it’ll take time and effort. And of course - that are no guarantees.

Not sure which path is easier.

Sorry OP but if he wanted to be with you he'd be ringing you and asking to talk things through. He wouldn't be pushing shit back on to you by calling you a narc when he does speak to you.

There's a difference between accepting people aren't perfect and we're responsible for our own happiness, and then someone hurting you and not making it better. He hasn't made anything better. I doubt you would spend the next 50yrs of your life happy with him. It really does come across like you're forgetting how it felt to be with him whilst you were.

Yes it all came out 3 years ago, we split up for a while and it did take us a few months to get back together. We did talk and work on stuff a bit, but it all sadly coincided with Exs mums becoming terminally ill, and so dealing with all of that, and then the aftermath, her funeral etc became understandably more of a priority.

Even before all of this, I've never been someone who said that infidelity would be unforgiveable. I've always thought people make mistakes, I know also on MN that it's always said that the cheating spouse/partner should be the focus of your anger. Ordinarily he absolutely would have been. but with this woman, the fact she persistently harassed me, inserted herself into my presence, played mind games with me...3 years on and I despise her, not for the affair such as it was, it takes 2 to tango, but purely for how she behaved towards me. Because I really didn't deserve any of that, and I had no recourse. She said stuff to me (but in a far more coarse way) like how my ex -and all the other men she was sleeping with at the time - preferred sex with her because she'd not had any children so was tighter than me. And that's not even the worst of it.

And its because of all that I find him having anything to do with her so awful, because she is just vile, in so many ways. I know she said the things she did to me because she was jealous, because he'd told her he wouldn't leave me, and she wanted to split us up because she believed she was a far better match for him.

He isn't someone who apologises readily, I'm very British in that respect, and apologise when someone bumps into me, that kind of thing. He's not like that at all. He definitely isn't the type to beg for forgiveness either. He's in a complete echo chamber now because he has no friends, the only person he'll be able to speak to other than himself is her, and she will tell him what he wants to hear, that I'm wrong.

The more I go over it, the more I feel I made the right decision (because of what he did and then how he behaved once I knew), but I still wish that I hadn't had to - well actually I wish months ago he'd replied to her message saying 'wasn't me, don't contact me again' and that would have been the end of it. .

I went through a breakup last august and it was the worst thing that had ever happened to me. This man felt like the one for me, until he just wasn't! We still loved each other so much but it just wasn't working. I ended up taking an overdose and spent some time in the hospital in a coma.
BUT - it's not even a year on and I can honestly say time is such a healer. I don't really have any advice other than don't push away your feelings now, you need time to grieve the relationship and just remember that you won't always feel like this. One day you'll wake up and realise it doesn't hurt as bad, you won't feel like this forever. Stay strong, I'm sending all my support

I wish I knew what to do with all the anger I feel.

One of my friends has done some sleuthing again for me and apparently he's been all over her (the OW) FB page, liking and commenting on stuff. The pair of them make me sick. So much for her having a 'boyfriend' although tbh given she hangs out in sex clubs and the like it's probably a poly relationship so the more the merrier. Yuck.

I don't know what to do with the anger I feel. I realise I've been holding onto it for 3 years. But there's no reckoning or anything is there, no revenge, people just behave in shit ways and deliberately hurt others and get away with it.

OP - this isn’t healthy and you aren’t a teenager. Tell your friends not to stalk your ex online and make you feel worse.
You broke up with him.
You said it yourself - he doesn’t have any friends, only had you, so he’ll most likely seek out a connection with her now. Just because there is no one else in his life and people need connections.
So he is doing exactly that now.

He didn’t want to break up over the messages. It was your choice not to try to work on your relationship and your lingering anger at the OW. You need to let it go and move on with your life.

She is not the OW anymore. He can follow her FB all he wants. It is not done to hurt you.

I know when you feel hurt like you do - there is a deep and hopeless hope that he will realise his mistake, change himself and endlessly beg you for another chance. Even if you didn’t want him back - that would have made you feel a little better. But this only happens this way in movies.
If you want to give the relationship a chance - you need to be a big girl and say so. And then work on it.
(and you also need to realise that the OW isn’t a threat to your relationship, she never was. If he wanted to be with her, he’d have left 3 years ago)

I tried to do some gardening today. Completely fucking pointless. Tried to mow the lawn, got halfway and lawnmower went kaput. So then got the strimmer out. Line kept breaking and then basically was used up. Went out and bought some more. That also kept snapping, to the point where I ended up with a big cut on my leg.

Gave up with that, tried to dig a hole as I have some plants to plant, tried and tried but I couldn't break the earth, I simply don't have the strength. Basically collapsed and sobbed for an hour.

I can't cope on my own, I can't do any of this stuff. It's too fucking hard and I'm sick of it already, and I've only been without him a month. I hate my life I really do. I remember now how fucking appallingly hard it was before being on my own and I'm not sure I can bear it again. Like I've just tried to hoover, there's something stuck in the pipe so it's not sucking anything up, but I can't dismantle it to get to it because I don't have to enough strength to pull the pipes apart. These are all things he would have helped me with, things I can't do myself. I'm hurt and tired and sad. And it's not like tomorrow is going to be any better, or the day after. This is how it is.

OP yes it sucks having to do things on your own. Especially manual jobs. I feel your frustration! But there is a solution, pay someone. I pay someone to cut and strim my garden once a month. It's £20. It's worth it. Cut back on something else if you have to.

You need to snap out your pity party as it sounds like you're spiralling down it. Get dressed, go for a walk, download an audio book about break ups. Walk as much as you can. The only way you're going to feel better is if you stop making yourself feel so bad.

I'd pay £20 an hour but gardeners round here charge more like double that at least, my friend pays £100 a fortnight for her gardener, she has a bigger garden but still - her guy has a waiting list of people. They want to do fortnightly minimum, and you have to provide your own tools etc so I wouldn't be much better off. I don't have £100-200 spare a month, I wish I did. My car is due for it's MOT in a couple of weeks, that will cost £500 minimum. My Ex would do a few of the basics on it before it went in to keep the costs down but I'll have to pay the whole thing now.

I honestly don't have the energy for a walk or anything else now, I've spent hours on housework and then fighting the garden, for nothing really. I've managed to cook dinner for me and younger DC, and then I'm probably going to go to bed.

Try to tell yourself that what you're grieving over is the loss of the relationship you thought you had, but in reality it hadn't existed for several years. Not through any choice you made but because of him and his wayward willy.

You need to get angry. Clear your regrets out of your head. It might take a couple more weeks but you will get there. He has wasted years of your life.dont waste the rest of it

Maybe the weight will go in time. Maybe it won't,but you can't live on cake alone. You found the strength to get rid of him. Now you have to build yourself up again. Eat well, live well, spoil yourself. Do anything he held you back from, you will start to think of him less and less. Its never easy to move on, but it will be worth it

I'm sorry op I mean this with the up most respect but it's been 4 weeks now yes you can sort your garden out you can dig a hole you can do your day to day activities I split up with the father of my 5 children after being together for 19 years yes it hurts like hell yes you will get frustrated but you can and will carry on and you will be a stronger person good luck

You are going through the stages of grief op- Khubler-Ross. Bargaining and depression are pretty low points of those stages.

That's the thing, he never held me back from anything, quite the opposite, in the time we were together I did lots of things with his support and encouragement that I'd never been able to before, for various reasons.

Pretty much the only thing I couldn't do with him (well I could, but I would have had to go without him) is visit the US, he wouldn't be able to get a visa. But it's not somewhere I'm that fussed about going really. Oh, he didn't want to get married or have more children (I would have done both, if it was something he wanted too). I'm too old for the latter now and the former is unlikely.

I'll give it some thought but he was always so positive about me doing things, going to places, that I'm not sure there is anything.

Actually no, I can't dig a hole. I tried repeatedly. I don't have the physical strength. Just like I can't take my hoover apart, or various other things. I can't do everything myself, I'm sure some people can but I can't. I struggle with a lot of physical tasks, he understood this and would always help me. I don't have relatives or others on hand. It was just him and me, or now just me.

Bagoshite

I agree she sounds like a total cunt . You know I’ve got friends who cheat and who have been cheated on . But the things she said (your earlier post ) - you don’t do that . I’d view a friend who did that very differently . I’d not want to be their friend actually
its nasty , toxic and vindictive

look they are both cunts
right now you feel shit
understandably

but 50 isn’t that old
I’m 49 and I’ve been texting 3 fellas tonight !

eventually you will realise that this toxic relationship and this awful affair were just that

I know you can’t even contemplate this right now xx And imagine happiness again
but hang on in there

I so emphasise with the diy
if you are rural , try advertising for a local teen ?

i still get into a tizzle about it

if you can’t dig , find a strapping teen who can .
local Facebook pages have saved me in so many ways

Thanks - that's it, how could he view her as a friend when she was so horrible to me before? This was what I said to him when he told me, she was also harassing him when his mum was dying which I would find unforgiveable. I don't get it, I really don't. If there wasn't all this backstory, if when he'd ended it 3 years ago she'd not behaved like a bunny boiler and they'd been on relatively good terms then I could understand it. I obviously wouldn't have been happy about it, but at least it would make sense.

But why would you want any kind of friendship with someone so vile? She has zero respect for herself and I don't think he has any self respect either, not to do this.

As for the garden and other jobs etc, unfortunately I'm in London so everyone wants a fortune to do anything, or are booked up 6 months in advance or both. You can't anyone to do anything for less than £100-150 even if its a 10 min job, even on local FB. It's horrendous. I've got loads of small jobs that need doing which Ex would have done in 5 mins. I'll just have to manage without, I can't be spending £150 a time to get a picture put up or whatever.

Hi op sorry if I sounded horrible on my last message I do understand it's still early days honestly I can say after finishing a 17 year relationship that time is the best healer you will get through this as for the DIY could your DC help you at all or do they have any friends that could help you
I wish you luck but please remember as hard as it is now it will get better

I mean this with the greatest kindness OP, but your friends need to stop stalking him online and reporting back. It’s delaying you moving on, you’re stuck in this awful limbo and it’s going to take time, but you don’t need to know what he’s doing.

I really feel like you are romanticising him, how perfect he was, how much he helped you, how he was your everything - no, he cheated on you, then had contact with her again despite knowing the hurt he put you through previously, whether it was innocent conversation or not. He should have shut her down immediately. The screaming at you and name calling. That’s who he really is.

I know it feels impossible - my abusive ex ended things and ghosted me out of the blue 6 weeks ago after three years together, it blindsided me and I still miss him, still think about him daily BUT I will not put my life on hold, or stay in that awful middle ground of wallowing and not trying to heal and move on. He is taking no more of my happiness. He’s probably seeing someone else already but so what? We’re not together, he won’t change, he will do the same to her and I’m not going to hurt myself further by checking what he’s doing.

It won’t always be this hard, can you post on Facebook asking if anyone local wants to earn a bit of cash helping with the garden?

This man is not your knight in shining armour, and you did the right thing by ending it x