Struggling so much with this break up

[Bagoshite]

Partner and I ended 2 weeks ago, my decision but I had no choice, he'd admitted he'd been messaging a woman he previously (3 years ago) had met on a seedy 'no strings' type site, and had sex with her for months behind my back.

So we're over. At first I felt ok. Sad, disappointed in him and angry with him, but now I feel absolutely awful. I said on another thread that I've reached out to 'friends'. One has been kind, but has her own shit going on so I can't burden her too much. Two others said the usual platitudes and I've not heard a peep since, they're clearly not interested. A couple more haven't even addressed it. They responded to other things in the message I sent, so clearly know, but have nothing to say. It's like I can mention it once and that's it, I can't mention it again. I guess maybe I'm meant to be over it all by now. These are all people I've know for 5+ years, most for well over 10 years. Some for nearly 40.

I'm finding work impossible. I can't complete anything, I can't sleep. I'm a comfort eater, and am basically eating non stop. I've put on nearly a stone in 2 weeks. Eating is the only thing making this less painful.

I've still not told my adult DC, one has their own stuff going on, the other is being an ass generally and refusing to do anything around the house which is not helping either.

I'm upset about lots of things though this breakup is the major one. The most painful part is that I have no one to talk to about anything else thats going on. I've had him for all these years, he was the person who was always on my side, no matter what.

I feel at my wit's end and I don't know how to get through this. I cried for about 5 hours last night until I fell asleep.

It's so hard, I was relieved for a few weeks and then devestated at ending my marriage. I found/find it really hard to believe he was abusive towards me. I had numerous threads on MN detailing our arguments or things he used against me, each one said I was being abused.

Sometimes I am so flipping happy. Othertimes I feel so sad. I thought I would be with him forever. I'm a lot more happy than sad now.

I'm 7 months down the line and although I'm having a lot of fun and have built up a life for myself it is tinged with sadness. But it will pass.

I'm lucky I normally get a break up diet whete I can't eat and usually just drink gin so I lost a stone in the first month 😅

I got counselling, I had a lot more support in terms of friends and family than you OP. Please ring the samartains every day if you need to talk. Don't keep it in. I went for a walk with an audio book or a podcast every day it wasn't raining. I went on meetup and did some fun things. I like being sociable so made that happen. I bought ready meals for the dc so I didn't have to cook, but I'm back cooking now.

I redecorated my ds room and the bathroom.

Play lots of music. Music actually calms your nervous system. Meditate every morning and every night. I'll link an excellent break up Meditation for you. Meditation your brain will be happy for the break.

@Bagoshite I am in the same boat as you at the moment. I found out my now ex was cheating. It's been a month since I left him. Just like you I told my family and friends. No one has bothered to ask me if I'm ok, no one has offered to see me. I feel so alone just like you. It's very hard. I've become so depressed and anxious about my future that I'm on ADs now and I'm referred to counselling. I sometimes think to myself that it would just be easier to let him back and sweep it under the rug and forget just to get this horrible feeling go away. But I already did that the first time he cheated. And it was good for a few months and then bam he did it again, I hate him, I leave him. This time I'm trying to be stronger but it's sooooooo very very hard. I understand your pain of feeling alone.

Oh and I'm the total opposite with eating. I haven't eaten or slept well since.. but it's easing with the ADs. I lost half a stone in a week! The only good thing from my Ed being a dhead is that it made me lose some of the weight I put on during lockdown lol

What fun eh?

But it's good to hear from people further down the line. I'm eating better now, my ex was a meat and potatoes lover, where I prefer more vegetables and fish. So that's good. I'm trying a lot of self care and downloaded a free mindfulness app.

But my ex came on Sunday for his stuff and it was hard. We both cried. It was hard to remember why I'm doing this as he had so many good points. I think it was a milestone in the split and it set me back.

I'm still finding this really hard.

I don't have anyone to talk to because he was the person I always talked to about everything. Friends are not interested, once I said I'd dumped him that was the end of conversation.

I've got no plans for the jubilee, other than one friend suggesting I go and spend the day with her and her boyfriend 🙄who I barely know (met him once for 10 mins if that).

I cry most days, end up dreaming about him most nights so wake up sad, and I can't even get a restful sleep because of it. I just feel so sad. I can't imagine that he's not part of the rest of my life. A well meaning person suggested I go on dates with other people and I was nearly sick. I can't imagine having any kind of relationship with someone else. But then I can't imagine how lonely another 20 or 30 years on my own will be.

I just miss him, and our old life. And now I think maybe this was partly my fault? Maybe I was a shit partner and I didn't try hard enough, didn't do enough, maybe neither of us did? I don't know. I just wish I felt less sad about it all.

I'm so tired. Tired of feeling sad and lonely. Tired of having to cover my puffy eyes in make up and put on a front on pointless work calls. Mostly I'm just actually tired as I'm only getting 4 hours sleep a night. I feel drained.

@Bagoshite I found writing unsent letters really helped me. Write him letters but do NOT send to him. Write whatever you're feeling. How much you miss him, that you're scared about being alone. Write it all out. But then ask yourself why you miss him, why did it go wrong. I also wrote out an unsent letter to a 'relationship counsellor' explaining our relationship, where it started and where it went wrong and a of the horrible things he said and done, and my shit too. You won't be able to sleep if you don't get this shit out your head.

Thanks I will give that a try. I used to write letters to Exs when I was younger. Never sent them but it helped me clear my thoughts.

Part of me is reluctant to do that because I guess I don't want to accept it's over. I've had many relationships but this was the first and only one I thought was for keeps. Not a soulmate, i don't believe in that stuff, but he was the first person who really got me, who liked me just as I was. We had such a great bond. With past relationships I always thought there was someone better suited to me out there, until I met him. Even the lows with him were better than the highs with everyone else.

I just miss him so much. It feels so odd to think I might never see him again. This time a month ago I was still looking at houses for us to buy.

Going through the same thing too. The pain is unbelievable. Plus having to try and find somewhere to rent without a landlady reference (DH's Mum owns our house!).

I trusted him with all my vulnerabilities and he has just well and truly shat all over me. I cannot eat and keep sobbing uncontrollaby it's awful.

I think you’re having to cope with a huge loss in your life and it could help you to consider it as a grieving process (grief for the loss of the person that you thought you knew, just like a death of someone you loved). Then you would be easier on yourself and give yourself the time to grieve. It won’t be overnight but you will feel better and you will come to terms with this. Time does heal.

I found meditations on grief a way to get me through the darkest times when I experienced something similar. Also accepting that it was ok and to be expected to be sad and regret and be angry at the loss all at the same time.

I think when you look back over this relationship you’re doing it with rose tinted glasses. Don’t forget he was having sex with someone else behind your That in itself should be pushing you towards moving on and trying to forget him.
No decent man who is the one for you would ever do such a thing. You need to try to move on.

That should say “behind your back”

@cantbelieveheletmedown oh that sounds so hard, I'm sorry you're suffering too. I'm grateful that we didn't live together so that made the initial separation easier. I hope you manage to find a new home soon.

I do think it's like grieving a death, it is the death of our relationship and planned future together. The grief I already have for the family I have lost is such a burden. That loss has in many ways blighted my life for the last 30 years :(

I know he was unfaithful, albeit 3 years ago and not recently (I don't believe he had been unfaithful recently although I'll never know for certain), and I'd forgiven and moved past that I think. Whilst he wasn't always a good partner to be honest I don't think I always was either. But he always was a kindred spirit, we go on so well on so many levels. It was the relationship of equals, of acceptance, that I'd always hoped for, and he had all the qualities I value. It was so hard to find that, someone who treated me as an equal, who loved me for me....that's what I'm finding hard to let go of. Because I think that was probably my chance. It took me 20 years to meet him; I may not have another 20 left.

Your friends aren't speaking about it anymore as they don't want you stuck in this loop, which you will be stuck in forever if you don't shock yourself out of it! Force yourself to have a specific time in the day only when you can think about it, and make plans for the rest of all that time - charity run to train for, new hobby, new netflix series, whatever....I got a great PT at a gym and I go a lot now, I'm no fitness bunny but I love it and it makes me feel a million times better. I would have comfort eaten before but now I'm just getting fitter and fitter. You have to stop that eating before you make a real hole for yourself.

It's been nearly a year now since we spilt after nearly 23 years married, 29 together. I never thought I'd be on my own at this time in my life. Still sorting out finances etc and so feel I can't move on properly until I know what my situation will be. I had over 2 years of him gradually checking out of the relationship until in the end I called him out on it. I'm devastated he didn't even want to try and fix things, for us, or for our kids. BUT I know I deserve better and I'd not take him back now, but its hard to image a different life ahead from what I'd imagined and worked for all these years.

I've had a slightly better day today. Only slightly though.

I keep reading on here about peoples partners calling them fat, or being otherwise unpleasant, or doing nothing round the house, or going out and getting drunk...and my Ex never did any of that, never would. He always complimented me, always thought I looked pretty, whatever I was wearing or whatever size I was. Cooked me anything I wanted whenever I wanted. Didn't make unreasonable demands of me. Never went out on the piss (well he never went out in truth). All he had to do was not message that woman, but he did.

Part of me thinks I should have just turned a blind eye when everything else was so good, and because he's the only person in my adult life who actually got me and liked me for me, who I didn't have to dumb myself down for.

But then I think why should I have had to turn a blind eye, he shouldn't have done it. He should have had more respect for me, us and most importantly himself. Why would you want to have anything to do with someone who harassed you when your parent was dying? It makes no sense to me and I don't think it ever will.

It sounds like you're in the bargaining and denial stage of grief OP. One day you will have an eureka moment and think thank fuck I'm not putting up with that anymore.

I saw photos of exh in a drawer earlier and just put them in the bin. No sadness, no regret. I'm also feeling quite smug that I'm starting to find more happiness in being single. It feels good!

Baggage reclaim is a really good site. Read the breakup commandments on it.

I can't imagine looking at photos of Ex and feeling anything other than sad. He's so handsome - he was my ideal man physically, as well as in other ways. I was always really happy in a relationship, I've been single for years before but I know being in a relationship makes me happier. I can fill my days but really it just feels like I am doing that, treading water.

I will check out that website, thank you.

I did consider contacting Ex yesterday. Thing is I know if I did, if I said I wanted to get back together, he'd agree. But nothing would have changed, he can't undo messaging that bloody woman. So what would be the point? ☹️

@Bagoshite my ex is also very good looking. I look at him now and feel like he looks slimy! I also had the issue with if I had rang him and gave him another chance we would have been back together. Twice I did do it and then we'd be arguing again in a matter of days. It's very hard to stay strong when you're in it.

I also had the same thing with MN where I'd read about what men were doing or not doing and think - he's not that bad. Everyone else could see how bad it was but me. You'll get there, it just takes time.

Everyone I know thought he was great, my perfect match. I know some think I'm making a fuss over nothing about him messaging this woman. One said to me 'but he wasn't seeing her again or sleeping with her, does it matter?' but it does matter, to me. Anyone else I wouldn't have cared, even a previous ex. I told him that. I never spied on him, never checked his messages or looked at his phone or snooped. I only knew because he told me.

I know that people will say well he probably told you so that you'd end it. I really don't think that was the case. He always said the worst times with me were better than the best times with anyone else. It's why I know he'd be more than happy to try again if I suggested it. But I can't do that.

I don't think I'm probably the easiest person to be in a relationship with though, for various reasons, but I don't know how to be different.

OP, I’m so sorry this has been tough on you. Just to reassure you break ups are hard - and you will feel ok in the beginning, as you did, but after two weeks and beyond, that’s when the pain will be the worst. It’s part of the grieving process. You’re adjusting to a new way of life. And you’ve started to see your relationship through Rose tinted spectacles. If he were so perfect, he wouldn’t have cheated on you. If he were so perfect, he’d be fighting for you now. You may, in time, find you want to take back him back. But give yourself much more time to grieve and get over this initial shock. You deserve that. Your emotions will be all over the place - up and down like an unpredictable rollercoaster.
There are lots of books in going through break ups that may be worth a read. Have a look on Amazon. Packed with advice on keeping busy, meeting new people, making plans you can look forward to in the future.
And only giving yourself a specific time in the day where you think about him and your relationship. Then switch off and do something else - force yourself if you have to. Are there are new hobbies or events you’d like to try? Any local groups you can join? Meeting new people always helps.
Good luck OP - hang in there, you will get through this.

With past break ups it's either been something that was completely my decision based on a lot of ongoing issues/ really poor quality relationship where neither of us were happy and I felt only relief and happiness when it was finally over... I'd checked out long before.

Or I've been dumped, sometimes out of the blue, sometimes I saw it coming. And I was sad about those, especially where I was ghosted. But I was a lot younger then and bounced back quicker.

This is the first time where I felt I had to end things but not for a catalogue of wrongdoings, or to put a shit relationship out of its misery. And I ended it immediately too. Literally 5 mins after he told me. That's what's hard. That it was a good relationship until he fucked it up the first time. But we both wanted to try again. And he fucked it up again by sending a couple of pointless messages to the only person in the world I couldn't agree to him contacting.

I had no choice but to end it, but I didn't want to, if that makes sense?

Of course it makes complete sense. But just because it wasn't horrendous for a long time, just because you also had some good times, doesn't excuse cheating on you and breaking your trust OP. I don't think he's all that from what you've posted, although of course you were in a long term relationship and loved each other and it will take time to grieve that which is what you are going through now. It's horrible, but also take stock of the fact that he is a cheat. Remember that. He caused this.

That's what I told him in my last message, that whilst we had ups and downs, we could and did get through anything together. Until he did this one thing that I can't ever forgive him for. All he had to was not reply when she contacted him. He would have known that action risked our relationship, and did it anyway.

Just read through your thread, and I must say, it left me thinking what I’d do in your place.
I think a younger me, in my 30s would be all - you don’t need him, you deserve better, etc

But me now, with life lived a little longer - having had kids, and gone through relationships and breakdowns of relationships, friendships and myself at various points of life - this me has a different perspective now. Or maybe I see and value different things.

It sounds like you and your ex worked well. He enriched your life and gave you something you really needed. Support, confidence, etc. And you are suffering without it.
And you are, by your own admission - not likely to meet someone who you’ll connect with this way again.
That is on one side of equation.

On the other - a fleeting and insignificant physical transgression 3 years ago. And some messages in the present.
All it seems to indicate is that he was bored and did something stupid.

Young me would do what you did. And still had time and hopes that I’d meet someone.
Today’s me would hurt but would at least try to see if the relationship can be mended. If we could get through it together. If we as a couple could figure out what lead him to it and what it meant for us.