To go to womens refuge tomorrow?

[sundaymondayhappydayss]

Please please please don't berate me. I'm extremely fragile, I'm just questioning my judgment massively at present.

There's a long history of sexual abuse (touching without consent, no bodily respect etc), I have previously been to refuge but returned after two days as he found me and spoke me round so to speak.

We got back together, he didn't change regarding the respect and sexual aspects. My children noticed, social services got involved after I enquired again about refuge but backed out after he found out.

He maintains I'm the problem, that he does what he does because I'm distant or have male friends.

We broke up around 3 months ago, I don't know why but I found myself desperate to have him back, I now have him back albeit not living together since I helped him to find a flat etc.

Tonight he put my puppy chihuahua into a pool of water. This may sound trivial but she had just woke up, it was dark and he decided to see if she could swim despite me firmly telling him not to do this to her. He has rearranged my bedroom despite me pleading with him to leave my bedroom alone, (this happens every time he is here, he jokingly claims my bed is his since he collected it in his work van for me) his reasoning is that he sleeps better where he puts the bed.

I am aware this is trivial, or perhaps sounds trivial but it's the underlying lack of respect of my wishes. As soon as my kids went to bed he forced my bra off of me, the whole time with 'smiles' and 'jokes' despite me saying i didn't want my bra removed.

The history of this relationship is huge but this is the basics of our recent times.

I just can't deal with it anymore. 4 weeks ago I wanted to throw myself from a bridge because I just couldn't cope with the mental torture. I feel better now but I'm really upset about what he's done to my dog, I really feel it just shows he doesn't give a fuck about my feelings.

I'm in bed next to him now vowing to go to refuge tomorrow, I know I could just end it but he will come to my
House and I'll let him back. Like I always do.

I left refuge last time in part due to the fact they were insisting I move my kids to a different school. My youngest is awaiting an assessment for autism and the school are brilliant with her so I really don't want to go down this road. But I am aware that I am doing them harm by remaining in this state of disrespect.

Should I go to refuge?

There are two really important, and in a way, really simple questions to ask yourself here OP.

1 What's the best thing for your kids - bearing in mind that the authorities will be asking those questions

2 What's the best thing for you?

If you find it too confusing and upsetting to try and answer these questions alone, speak to a trusted friend/ relation and or a professional from the organisation that provided the first refuge space.

I think you know the answers bough OP.

You could go to a refuge but they aren't likely to allow dogs

*know the answers though OP!
🤗

In some areas refuges have links to organisations that will look after pets for you in that situation.

Im aware I can't take my dogs but on the many occasions I have contacted womens aid they have offered a dog fostering service. Although this will break my heart I can't keep putting my daughters through this. I'm setting no example. I can only presume I'll be allowed to visit/take my dogs out.. anyone have experience of this?

If he doesn't live with you, why would you uproot your children and go to a refuge when you could just stop letting him into your home? I had no choice but to leave with my kids, but it was his house we lived in.

They wanted kids to move schools and that is reasonable as they need to protect everyone else in the refuge too. Otherwise, he could follow them home

You would need to maybe consider moving from the area as well

Because I've tried that approach. It doesn't work

Go to a refuge - the furthest placement you can find and then celebrate the first day of your best life.

If the only way to get away from him is to go to a refuge, please go. Please please please stop going back to him.

You say you have daughters. Animal torture is a well-known sign of abusers being capable of escalating to much bigger violence towards you and your kids. Do you want your daughters to be next in line for his violence? I'm sure you don't - so please go. Leave this man, and DON'T go back to him again.

What's your gut telling you? If it tells you to go - please do it. Do it for your babies. I'm sure you love them and just want what's best for them - and that is NOT with that dangerous man.

Come on OP, you can do this!

Your dogs will still be yours, they will just be fostered until you get yourself sorted out. They will be safe and cared for, and not subjected to his abuse.
I know it's hard, you can't think straight, you're afraid, maybe ashamed, and the leap into the unknown is terrifying.
The final straw for me with my ex was when he drowned three of my dog's four pups while I was out and left their bodies in the sink for me to find when I got back.
you know this man is abusive, you have made the step before, but he has dragged you back under his control.
nobody at the refuge will judge you, or think you are weak, they know what abusers are capable of, and how hard it is to leave.
it might end up with you moving right away, you don't know what the future holds, but you can know that, no matter what, with him gone, you will be safe, you won't be sexually assaulted every day, and your children and dogs will be safe.
just be strong a bit longer, don't let your final straw be him killing one of your pets, or hitting/sexually abusing your children. Don't forget, he thinks you are all his property, to do with as he pleases! That won't change, it's who he is.

They don’t take puppies, I’m afraid.

It’s because it’s unfair to a puppy to grow up with a foster family and then be moved. I can’t actually remember what the age cut off is, so if you’re saying puppy but you just mean young still?

But no, there’s no direct contact you won’t know who fosters and they don’t know anything other than general stuff, like they’ll say ages of children but not sex and they take them out of the area to be fostered - so there’s no chance of the abusive partner using the dog to track you down. They do regular updates and you’d get photos and stuff, but not visits.

My instinct is telling me run and disappear. That my daughters deserve better and that I'm not being the best mum I can be by allowing this.

As another poster said though, I'll be "uprooting them". It's a big deal, i went to refuge before. I will say though that I felt liberated for the very short time I was there.

My pup is 8 months old... I can't do it if they won't take her..

Thankyou for the advice so far.

The story of the drowned puppies (I'm sorry, I can't remember the name of the poster) is truly horrific. And also makes me feel like I'm overreacting

Go. Pack a bag tomorrow and go.

Your daughters might feel 'uprooted' in the short term, but you'd be protecting them in the long term. Many, many years later, they will thank you. Perhaps not now, definitely not when they're teenagers, but when they grow up and become adults, or have their own children and start to understand what it really means to put yourself and your children first and not let a man disrespect you, they will be thankful.

Teach them they deserve respect. You all do. Get away from this man, ASAP.

Think of the examples you are setting your daughters. Then think of them as adults, being in this situation because it's what they think is normal and God forbid one of them wanting to jump off a bridge
Is that what you want? You're a mum and need to do better for your girls so they don't grow up and repeat this cycle.

I can't begin to imagine what he offers you they you keep going back despite the risk he poses to you,your daughters and your defenseless dog but you have to pull some strength from deep within and get away from him for good. You are worth it and you can do it.

I genuinely can’t remember what the age is, sorry... they wouldn’t leave her, it’s that they think it’s better for a puppy to be rehomed than be fostered.

But I really can’t remember what the age is - so do still find out.

@Natty13

The thought of them going through what I've been through and currently going through is almost too painful to bear. The thought of them wanting to jump off a motorway bridge because of a man is sickening. So I thank you for your perspective. X

Because I've tried that approach [staying at home, not letting partner visit.] It doesn't work
If you don't want to move from the area to keep you child in the same school, how long will you be able to stay at the refuge? I thought that they were temporary solutions?

None of the things you talk about are trivial @sundaymondayhappydayss You may think each isolated event is small, but in sum, tyou are being abused and controlled.

That's not easy to acknowledge so you are very brave.

Go to the refuge and take advantage of all the resources they can offer you in regaining your freedom. Do the Freedom programme.

Stop listening to your abusive partner and remember you are an independent person whose life is worth it.

You are NOT overreacting! You're desensitised to his abuse maybe, because you're in the situation. We're seeing it from the outside so have a different perspective.
you might want to ask MNHQ to move this thread, or start a new one on the Relationships board though. AIBU isn't the most supportive place, and you need help, not people saying coluda/woulda/shoulda.

So.. The puppy is more important than the safety of all other victims taken together.

The school placement for the kids is more important than a safe home environment for those same kids.

What sort of broken mirrors am I looking at?

@Ihatethenewlook WOW. If only you'd been there to advise me from the start

It's not about just not letting him into my house!!!! He's not the postman, neighbour or effing pizza delivery guy!!!! This man is ABUSING me. He is warping my thoughts and judgments! He skews all my decisions!! Jesus wept!!

So.. The puppy is more important than the safety of all other victims taken together.

The school placement for the kids is more important than a safe home environment for those same kids.

What sort of broken mirrors am I looking at?

I've not said my dogs are more important, I've already said that I'm aware they'll need to go to a foster home.

I haven't said that a school placement is more important than my Childrens welfare. Just that my youngest has finally been referred for an assessment for autism and that the school are meeting her needs fantastically so naturally I'm concerned about this