To go to womens refuge tomorrow?

[sundaymondayhappydayss]

Please please please don't berate me. I'm extremely fragile, I'm just questioning my judgment massively at present.

There's a long history of sexual abuse (touching without consent, no bodily respect etc), I have previously been to refuge but returned after two days as he found me and spoke me round so to speak.

We got back together, he didn't change regarding the respect and sexual aspects. My children noticed, social services got involved after I enquired again about refuge but backed out after he found out.

He maintains I'm the problem, that he does what he does because I'm distant or have male friends.

We broke up around 3 months ago, I don't know why but I found myself desperate to have him back, I now have him back albeit not living together since I helped him to find a flat etc.

Tonight he put my puppy chihuahua into a pool of water. This may sound trivial but she had just woke up, it was dark and he decided to see if she could swim despite me firmly telling him not to do this to her. He has rearranged my bedroom despite me pleading with him to leave my bedroom alone, (this happens every time he is here, he jokingly claims my bed is his since he collected it in his work van for me) his reasoning is that he sleeps better where he puts the bed.

I am aware this is trivial, or perhaps sounds trivial but it's the underlying lack of respect of my wishes. As soon as my kids went to bed he forced my bra off of me, the whole time with 'smiles' and 'jokes' despite me saying i didn't want my bra removed.

The history of this relationship is huge but this is the basics of our recent times.

I just can't deal with it anymore. 4 weeks ago I wanted to throw myself from a bridge because I just couldn't cope with the mental torture. I feel better now but I'm really upset about what he's done to my dog, I really feel it just shows he doesn't give a fuck about my feelings.

I'm in bed next to him now vowing to go to refuge tomorrow, I know I could just end it but he will come to my
House and I'll let him back. Like I always do.

I left refuge last time in part due to the fact they were insisting I move my kids to a different school. My youngest is awaiting an assessment for autism and the school are brilliant with her so I really don't want to go down this road. But I am aware that I am doing them harm by remaining in this state of disrespect.

Should I go to refuge?

Of course it is. It's all part of the abuse cycle. Outsiders can see it crystal clearly.

OP, I am a police officer and have dealt with more abusers than I can remember.

Please understand this. You are not overreacting. This man is a danger to you and your children. If a full risk assessment was done, I suspect you would be graded at high risk.

Report this man. He had committed assaults and serious assaults against you, but also what he is doing amounts to controlling and coercive behaviour.

if you feel you need to go to a refuge to get away from him, then do it. If you feel you need to stay at home there are options - whatever restrictions police may put on him if you choose to report, non molestation orders (check the NCDV website for help with getting one of these) etc. But they do require you reporting him if he were to breach, so you’d need to be strong enough to do that.

social services are not the enemy. They want you and your children to be safe. They will support you in keeping this man away. It’s only if you you continue to have contact with this man that they will become concerned.

Please put yourself and your girls first OP. He will not stop. His behaviour will escalate as he asserts more and more control over you. You do not deserve this, even though he probably has you convinced that you do.

OP please leave, for you and your DDs. Please look into counselling or similar to help you with boundaries and help you be strong enough to never go back to him

You are not overreacting. No one thinks you’re doing this. The horrendous story of the puppies was not to make you feel this way. It was supposed to help you make the right decision.

The freedom and safety of you, your children and your dogs is all worth far more than any reason for staying. Please choose to be safe.

I'm not saying this to be nasty but social services have already been involved, they know the history and they will see it as you not protecting your children.

They will end up removing the children for their own safety if you continue to allow this man in your life, if you show you are trying then they will help you. Please phone Women's Aid.

This is not trivial at all. He is abusive and what you’re saying in your OP is the tip of the iceberg- there’s stuff you haven’t said and there’s stuff you haven’t accepted yet that he has done that is even worse.

I left my abusive ex a lot over the years. I went back more times than I care to remember and the final time I got away it helped that I ruthlessly cut out everyone we both knew, I blocked him on everything and I got a non molestation order which stopped him contacting me, my family, driving on the same street the kids schools were on (I couldn’t move one of them due to their special needs and I felt the other one needed the security of people she knew well). I didn’t do the school run for months- one was taken by school transport as entitled to it anyway and I paid a lot of money for taxis for the other one. Luckily ex stayed away. Not because he was a nice person after all but because he lost control over me. I got everything set up the day me and the kids left.

If you’ve been given a space in refuge it’s for good reason- you’re in danger and so are your children and your pet(s). Let these people help you.

Some horrible comments here from people who don’t understand.
You need to get away. You need support to stay away. Your concerns about school and pup are valid. But they can be solved.
Also do you rent or own? Can you stay elsewhere until you can move into a new place? Perhaps get some support to see what your new life with your kids. Happy and safe. Would look like. Because you deserve that. All of you.

Oh my word I can sense your suffering and anguish. Good for you for recognising the pattern of abuse.
I suspect this guy would hate to be labelled an abuser hence all the sly stuff. If you really meant it and threw him out - maybe with the threat of a non molestation order - he would go.. But the problem is that you buckle and encourage him back by not staying determined. Can you work with Womens Aid or a close friend who can keep you strong when you start to waiver? I don’t know if a refuge is a magic pill to reprogramme your mind.
I don’t want to frighten you but one day he’ll start to blur your daughters’ boundaries in some way, whether as adults or God forbid teens. And they will blame you for not protecting them.
Be strong and take care.

You don’t know much about coercive control and sexual abuse do you?
Your post may well have just said - ITS ALL YOUR FAULT.

You need to do something, if a refuge is your only choice, then do it. However, it doesn't quite sound like the perfect fit for you, didn't work before and you plan to go back to your old life after.

Can you afford to book a holiday lodge, away from everyone for two weeks or so, to get some space? Go to family? Both would give you space without the same level of disruption.

I've previously "moved in" with a friend to put her horrible boyfriend off coming round and to support her - could you ask someone?

The school might be able t arrange pick up/drop off arrangements to minimise him seeing you or DDs.

No alcohol or anything that weakens your resolve.

"I don't know why but I found myself desperate to have him back"

this is important. If you don't understand why you keep going back, you won't escape.

Why do you feel that you, your daughters and puppy don’t deserve a better life?

TBH you should be afraid of him.

His behaviour is ever escalating.

Have you done the Freedom Programme.

Have you read up about Trauma Bonding?

He's just a man OP. They are very abundant in this world, there is nothing special about this one.
You have your own place and going to the refuge last time achieved nothing.
If you are in social housing you should be fighting tooth and nail to get the fucker out of your house! People are on waiting lists years long for housing so don't leave if you don't have to.
Involve social services yourself, they will help you keep him away, better you do it than someone else reporting the abuse your children are suffering.
He doesn't have magical powers that control you OP, you need to protect your children.

Forget whatever he is doing today in being nice. This is a TACTIC. Everything you have shared is appalling and so damaging for your daughters and you.

Listen to your instinct. You KNOW this can't go on. You KNOW this is wrong. You need to honour yourself and protect your daughters and ACT.

You already have the gut feeling. It is there for very good reason. Listen to it.

Women's Aid, refuges, support networks... Get help. Get out. Please do it.

For me, it's not about blaming the op, but at what point do we put the very real needs of her children over the op?
The OP's daughters will likely go on and recreate this abusive cycle in their own relationships and their children will suffer the same fate as them, at what point do we say, no, for the sake of the children they have to be taken out of this situation for their own well being .

I'm renting.

I feel like screaming. I can't believe I'm having to do this again.

Also, I am reading all of the replies.

@Coldilox thanks for your input. Funny you mention coercive control. When he was arrested last year he was charged with that among a couple others. His solicitor actually advised him he was very likely to receive a prison sentence. Then I retracted my statement.

Then call the police and tell them what happened last night. Have him removed and start the process for a restraining order.

calls womens aid to get their help and support.

You will need to strong. And call them every time he finds a way to contact you. But you would need to do that in a refuge if he managed to contact you when you were in one before.

How did he find you before? Were you in contact with him?

It seems highly likely you'd be successful getting a non-molestation order. Then you could stay at home and focus on accessing the emotional support you need to keep away from him.

I'm no expert but this kind of behaviour sounds like classic abusive behaviour. Plenty of men who are abusive can be kind and thoughtful at other times and that's part of the control. It's a cycle. I hope that you get things sorted - it made me feel sad reading your posts. No-one deserves to be stuck in this situation.

@Andromachehadabadday

I blocked him on everything I could think of. He managed to call through a withheld number, called me 48 times that day. Then started emailing me on everything, then late at night emailed me on the next door app telling me he was going to kill himself. I panicked.