To go to womens refuge tomorrow?

[sundaymondayhappydayss]

Please please please don't berate me. I'm extremely fragile, I'm just questioning my judgment massively at present.

There's a long history of sexual abuse (touching without consent, no bodily respect etc), I have previously been to refuge but returned after two days as he found me and spoke me round so to speak.

We got back together, he didn't change regarding the respect and sexual aspects. My children noticed, social services got involved after I enquired again about refuge but backed out after he found out.

He maintains I'm the problem, that he does what he does because I'm distant or have male friends.

We broke up around 3 months ago, I don't know why but I found myself desperate to have him back, I now have him back albeit not living together since I helped him to find a flat etc.

Tonight he put my puppy chihuahua into a pool of water. This may sound trivial but she had just woke up, it was dark and he decided to see if she could swim despite me firmly telling him not to do this to her. He has rearranged my bedroom despite me pleading with him to leave my bedroom alone, (this happens every time he is here, he jokingly claims my bed is his since he collected it in his work van for me) his reasoning is that he sleeps better where he puts the bed.

I am aware this is trivial, or perhaps sounds trivial but it's the underlying lack of respect of my wishes. As soon as my kids went to bed he forced my bra off of me, the whole time with 'smiles' and 'jokes' despite me saying i didn't want my bra removed.

The history of this relationship is huge but this is the basics of our recent times.

I just can't deal with it anymore. 4 weeks ago I wanted to throw myself from a bridge because I just couldn't cope with the mental torture. I feel better now but I'm really upset about what he's done to my dog, I really feel it just shows he doesn't give a fuck about my feelings.

I'm in bed next to him now vowing to go to refuge tomorrow, I know I could just end it but he will come to my
House and I'll let him back. Like I always do.

I left refuge last time in part due to the fact they were insisting I move my kids to a different school. My youngest is awaiting an assessment for autism and the school are brilliant with her so I really don't want to go down this road. But I am aware that I am doing them harm by remaining in this state of disrespect.

Should I go to refuge?

Do something decisive in the morning. Either arranging refuge, or arranging DV support measures at home. Do they do the scheme with locks and alarms in your area? Have you spoken to the police DV officer? With support could you get him locked out, get an injunction and get him out of your life or will it have to be refuge? There are downsides to both scenarios but the freedom and the example for the children will be more than worth it.

You’re not overreacting, the dog in a pool thing is a power play. It hints at harming the dog. He’s dressing it up as something else on the same way as he dresses up sexually assaulting you as “jokes”. He sounds really dangerous; not just abusive but extremely manipulative.

Sanctuary schemes. Here’s an example.

I have autistic children and I adore my dogs. I also escaped DV by fleeing overnight many years ago. I can understand weighing things up, and I particularly get your concerns about school continuity. Only you know what will work. You’re being brave in facing up to the situation .

www.hull.gov.uk/benefits-support-and-welfare-advice/welfare-advice/sanctuary-scheme-domestic-abuse

OP, of course you can go to a refuge if you feel
unsafe. But you know that comes with it's downsides. You won't be able to take your dog, it's not a permanent solution and it will unsettle your children.
Does he work OP?
Can tomorrow while he's at work make a plan? Contact a local DV support group? Ask a friend/family/member/support worker to come round and help you? Pack his things and leave them at the door. Change the locks. Once you are ready Call him (record the call) and have it on speaker with your support person listening. Tell him calmly that it's over, that he is no longer welcome because of the abuse, list the things he has done to harm you. Tell him to collect his things between a window of time or you will dispose of them or if you are feeling generous someone will drop them to him at a location of his choice. Block him, on all forms of contact for you and your children. Contact the police and tell them your concerns. Ask your support person to stay with you until you feel safe. If he turns up at your door, call the police immediately.
Both are hard OP, but you need to pick your hard and break the cycle.

Everything this man is doing is to mentally harm you.
He put your puppy in water to show you that you can't stop him.
If you can't stop him putting a puppy in water, can you stop him doing it to you? To your child? No.
Moving the furniture around is to make sure you never feel your possessions are yours.
The sexual abuse is showing crystal clear signs of cruelty and sexual sadism. Taking your bra off when you don't want to isn't because he wants to see your breasts, he just wants to fuck up your boundaries.

The school can pass over the files on your daughters ASD assessment or EHCP.
It'll be easier to work with a child who has SEN than sexual trauma from her father which is where this is going.
Youre all his property, from YOUR bed and things to your DD, you are his.

You contact a refuge tomorrow.
You leave. As far as possible.
Your puppy as wonderful as she may be isn't a priority, she'll find another loving home as she's still wee.
It's sad but losing a puppy to a loving home is less traumatic than having her drowned to show you how incontrol of your life you are.

You aren't be unreasonable, you aren't over thinking nor is it as easy to say to someone "no", as PP appear to think.

DV and SA aren't easy for those on the outside to understand but anyone with a bit of basic knowledge will tell you to take your daughters, rehome your puppy and get the living hell away from this man.

Good luck 💐💐💐

Refuges aren’t “temporary” in the sense that OP would have to return to her current home at any point. Where has the idea come from that they are?

OP I highly recommend reading No Visible Bruises if you have time, it’s about domestic abuse and why it’s so hard to escape. It might give you some perspective on why it’s so hard and maybe strategies on how to overcome. Or maybe just a warning as PP said about how dangerous a situation if truly is. You are not overreacting. You don’t have to live like this. It will be hard but you CAN leave.

Oh, OP. You must go to the refuge. All of you are in great danger!!! You CAN and MUST go to the refuge.

If I am correct, you have written many times about this sadistic monster who regularly sexually and physically assaults you and emotionally abuses you. Rips off your clothes….slaps you….tries to burn your crotch with a lighter….urinates on your floor….mistreats his DD when she visits your home (I recall that your 2 girls are not his.).

You’ve left this unhinged maniac so many times. He repeatedly tortures you and now he is targeting your poor dog. Your girls are next. They are already being abused and damaged by being exposed to his physical/sexual/emotional violence toward you. He will soon target them directly if he hasn’t already.

You must save your lives by going and staying at the shelter. If you don’t, you’re going to lose your children and they’re going to lose you.

Op I get what you are saying about it not working when you try to end it and he keeps coming round.

But he also managed to get you back when you were in a refuge. You need to at least speak to a support network and make a plan.

it may mean rehoming your dogs and moving away. But you need to do this. Whatever it takes.

As another poster said though, I'll be "uprooting them". It's a big deal, i went to refuge before. I will say though that I felt liberated for the very short time I was there.

Please don't take as gospel what a stranger says on the internet. I grew up in several countries and it just made me more flexible and stronger in coping with change.
And let's face it, change is not only a fact of life but seems to be hurtling towards us every day now.

Staying with him will damage you and your children beyond measure.

Take that last bit of what you said and make it your mantra.

He sounds utterly vile. You owe it to yourself and your kids to change the dynamic. Take all the help you can get from the professionals who you can access. You WILL succeed. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. You just have to find "that roar" inside yourself.

Wishing you all the best for a better future.

I think you need to accept that you have a lot to deal with and the best option is to relinquish your dogs to a sanctuary who will vet the new owners and your dogs will have a permanent loving home.

You can then focus on you and your children and how to get away from this man, whether it be from seeking help in a refuge or getting social services involved to help you get legal advice etc

Please go to the refuge OP, what you are enduring and the kids are seeing trumps everything else you're worried about by a mile, you and DC don't deserve to live like this. You're absolutely right that he's warping your thoughts but the longer you're away from him the more clear your mind will become and the easier it will be to stay away. You can do this, be brave

I agree that you should ask for this post to be moved to relationships. Some people in this group won’t be very understanding.

I have been mentally abused my entire life. By both my own father and now my husband.

But let me tell you something. If he ever even let the thought cross his mind that it would be a good idea to attempt (or succeed) in sexually abusing me whilst my daughter slept in the next room, I wouldn’t be sat here typing this, put it that way.

So you have my respect for that alone. The fact that you haven’t snapped tells me that you do still have some level of control over your own thoughts and decisions.

So tell me, because like pp asked, I need to also understand. What is it that this man is saying or doing that is making you allow him back into your home, or making you leave a refuge to come back to him? Why aren’t you throwing his shit out, changing the locks and contacting the police?

This is what you need to be doing. The fact that he doesn’t live there tells me that he poses no immediate risk to you or your daughters. Could he follow you or your daughters to and from school/work? Yes, of course. But even then, this wouldn’t be cause for you to enter a refuge imo. This is a matter for the police to deal with.

It takes on average 7 attempts to leave an abusive partner. Its hard. Anyone who knows anything about dv will understand.

Please get online today find a solicitor that offers legal aid and get a non molestation order out against this man some even are specifically for domestic abuse victims. It will be extremely quick and the second he is by your house you call the police and you are a priority. I have recently had experience calling them for this and they were absolutely brilliant with me. Offered me support networks that I didn't need but would be so useful for someone like yourself and checked in on me. Ring the police and get a crime reference number for what he is doing. You do not deserve to live this way. However now I'm going to say something your not going to like because you are in the middle of this you probably think it is hidden from your children. But it is not. Every time you open your door to this man you let the danger in. You MUST prioritise your children over this man and over yourself. Saying that he is manipulative is absolutely right however you as a mother need to step up and protect your children because if you don't and the local authority get wind of this. Believe me the decision will be taken out ur hands.

Your love for your children is more than for any man it is instinctual and everything he comes to your door imagine there is a fire behind it trying to get in. Only you can protect your family.

@Wereeaglesdare
Brilliant advice 👏🏻

Op, one of the best things I did when finally breaking ties with my abusive ex, was post on mumsnet, having it there to re read when I forgot the initial feelings & began to miss him helped me so much. I can't remember the exact post but someone told me that the guilt I was feeling about letting him back in wasn't productive & I needed to now make the commitment to move on.
I also read "why does he do that". I saw him in a completely different light after that. It might not work for you but it's worth a try

I wouldn't go down the route of uprooting your children and leaving your home if you can possibly avoid it.

I would do everything in my power to make him be the one to leave you alone.

Change the locks and make sure your security at home is tough. Ring doorbell. Cctv. Extra and super strong locks from inside.

Write down everything you remember from previous dates and keep a diary going forward for any incidents.

Call the police and find out your rights when it comes to restraining / non molesterion orders. Find out what support is available to you from home, from refuges and woman's aid.

It is in your best interests and your Children's to not be 'on the run' from this piece of shit. Show him who is boss

If you plan on moving your whole life to a new area miles away from him permanently then yes go into a refuge. If you're just thinking that you need to get away from him for a bit so you can't be talked round then refuge isn't the answer. You'll be disrupting your children without any clear long term benefit. If you want to stay in your current home ultimately then you need to find a way to stop communicating with him. You need to ask DV services for help with that.

@MsDogLady yes, that's me. I'm ashamed to admit that.

I really do appreciate everybody's input.

How do I request for this to be removed to the relationships board?

Im torn with what to do this morning. Im scared to go to refuge incase social services get involved again, worried about the girls schooling, second guessing myself that im over reacting. I keep wondering if I should just end it and block all contact, that seems the easy option but somehow doesn't sit right in my gut instincts. I've blocked and tried to end it so many times.

If I go to refuge I know I'll have to put the girls in a new school, wait a long time to be rehoused, risk social services doing god knows what. Im scared of the emotional damage to the kids regarding all of the above. I mean what do I even say to womens aid? "He took my bra off and put my 1lb dog into an 8000l paddling pool despite me pleading with him not to". That on its own sounds petty. But there's tonnes more to it.

OP, I'm sorry but you have to prioritise your daughter over your dogs. They're much more important. You say you want to be a good mother to them, but leaving them in danger for the sake of animals just isn't the way to go about it.

Talk to Women's Aid about getting an injunction to keep him away from you and the children.

I would ring Women's Aid.
It night be possible to get an Order banning him from coming near your house/you.
That would mean not uprooting children.
Good luck xx

OP I have never been in your situation. But I can assure you that NOTHING you have said sounds trivial. It all sounds absolutely bloody appalling. You've held it together and managed to stay alive for your kids and that in itself is an achievement given how he has abused you and screwed up your thinking.

I don't want to worry you unnecessarily but I genuinely think he is a very dangerous man. To the poster above who said "he doesn't live with you so is not a threat" really underestimates the real risk to women when they attempt to leave an abusive partner. So please act quickly but carefully

For next steps, I don't know enough about refuges and DV support to know what is the best course of action for you - you clearly don't have the strength to stand up to him alone, and while it's easy for posters to say "just get a restraining order" it's not that easy when you're feeling weak and he's messed with your head.

So I would advise a call to women's aid at the first SAFE opportunity, start by saying :

• he's sexually abusive and controlling and has now started to abuse my pet
• my young kids are in school and i don't want to uproot them if it's unavoidable
• I've tried to leave before but he somehow gets me back every time
• what support can you give me?

It's that straightforward. Not easy, but start from there. Good luck. You're amazing