To go to womens refuge tomorrow?

[sundaymondayhappydayss]

Please please please don't berate me. I'm extremely fragile, I'm just questioning my judgment massively at present.

There's a long history of sexual abuse (touching without consent, no bodily respect etc), I have previously been to refuge but returned after two days as he found me and spoke me round so to speak.

We got back together, he didn't change regarding the respect and sexual aspects. My children noticed, social services got involved after I enquired again about refuge but backed out after he found out.

He maintains I'm the problem, that he does what he does because I'm distant or have male friends.

We broke up around 3 months ago, I don't know why but I found myself desperate to have him back, I now have him back albeit not living together since I helped him to find a flat etc.

Tonight he put my puppy chihuahua into a pool of water. This may sound trivial but she had just woke up, it was dark and he decided to see if she could swim despite me firmly telling him not to do this to her. He has rearranged my bedroom despite me pleading with him to leave my bedroom alone, (this happens every time he is here, he jokingly claims my bed is his since he collected it in his work van for me) his reasoning is that he sleeps better where he puts the bed.

I am aware this is trivial, or perhaps sounds trivial but it's the underlying lack of respect of my wishes. As soon as my kids went to bed he forced my bra off of me, the whole time with 'smiles' and 'jokes' despite me saying i didn't want my bra removed.

The history of this relationship is huge but this is the basics of our recent times.

I just can't deal with it anymore. 4 weeks ago I wanted to throw myself from a bridge because I just couldn't cope with the mental torture. I feel better now but I'm really upset about what he's done to my dog, I really feel it just shows he doesn't give a fuck about my feelings.

I'm in bed next to him now vowing to go to refuge tomorrow, I know I could just end it but he will come to my
House and I'll let him back. Like I always do.

I left refuge last time in part due to the fact they were insisting I move my kids to a different school. My youngest is awaiting an assessment for autism and the school are brilliant with her so I really don't want to go down this road. But I am aware that I am doing them harm by remaining in this state of disrespect.

Should I go to refuge?

I absolutely know exactly how an abuser works. Trauma bonding. Erosion of self. Everything. I was married to one.

But ultimately when you're responsible for children and you know if you don't get away you risk losing them, you have to let that override everything else. And that's the truth of it unfortunately.

There comes a point when if you carry on putting obstacles in the way and saying things like 'that didn't work..' SS will make the decision for you because you're not safeguarding your DC.

Christ I WISH someone had been harsh with me back then, laid it out for me in simple terms of if you don't get away from this man, you risk losing your children.

I wasn't in the position of having my own home to stay in like OP does, it was in his name and all I could do was take my kids and leave while he was out on the piss. If it had been my home, I'd have changed the locks, taken out a non mol, changed my number.. Instead we couch surfed, stayed in a hostel until I got sorted with benefits and finally housing. If I'd had the option to not do any of that and stay in my own home and keep him out of it, that's what I'd have done.

I know it's hard OP, and you probably think I'm harsh, but it's wake up and smell the coffee time. But if you go to a refuge DO NOT divulge your whereabouts to him, block and delete his number, delete him off social media. And if you stay in your home, report him for everything, delete and block him off everything. If he turns up, call the police. If he makes trouble, call the police. Over an over until he gets the message and you start to break that trauma bond. Make this time the time it DOES work.

OP your last thread was a month ago where you said you’d split up from him.
So you’ve only been back together 4 weeks?

It’s really concerning that you’d have this man back into your home around your children.

He has been arrested and charged with sexual assault and coercion against you, he’s physically assaulted you, you admit your child knows what goes on, you’ve had social services and police involvement, he’s now using your dog against you, you’ve been to a womens refuge etc and I’m sure there are many more things that are unacceptable that you don’t even realise.

I’m not victim blaming but you know his behaviour is unacceptable and you constantly making threads, phoning the police or going to a refuge but not following through etc isn’t working is it.

I promise you will lose your children if you do not get this man out of your life once and for all.

You don't have to choose Refuge+uprooting your life versus Stay+put up with it. It's not either or. It can be both.

You can use the resources of the refuge - initially somewhere safe to stay where he can't find you or get to you, while you get great advice and put steps in with police and social services to ensure he stays away and when you are away from his influence and surrounded by people who SEE who he is, you will start to feel braver and stronger, and while you may still have a bit of healing to do, you'll have made a brilliant start that you can continue on with.

Plan plan plan.
Get a new number so he can't call you - even if he's blocked. Start using this once you leave the refuge for everyone in your life.

Report to the police, and seek all the protections they offer you to keep you all safe. Restraining orders/ non-mol /safety orders - take it all.
If they want to press charges, let them. And frankly, if he wants to kill himself (he doesn't, it's a manipulation tactic) then a) that's HIS choice and nothing to do with you and b) if he did do it, he'll save the next poor woman the kind of trauma you endured. But sorry, many of us have had these kind of men make that threat and sadly, fuck all of them actually meant it.

There's nothing - NOTHING - that needs to be said after you leave him. There's nothing to be discussed. What he thinks or feels or says are all things he will say to get you hooked back onto him. Remember that.

Abusers are like some sort of demon in a movie, where they spit back the priests sins, insecurities and failings back at him in an attempt to derail and disrupt the exorcism. That's the same tactic abusers use. They'll be nice. They'll be needy. They'll use fear, rage, persuasion, charm and anything else they have in their bag of tricks. They throw your (supposed) transgressions back at you to confuse and disrupt you so they can regain the control /possession again. It is all about them losing control and being desperate to regain that control. Just like an exorcism, you'd not just rock up with a rosary by yourself, wing a few prayers and hope for the best - you would call in the guys who've dealt with that before, right?

So you call in the professionals - in this case it's the Refuge and the police. Then all you have to do is stick to the script, stick to the plan you made with police and Refuge and anyone else helping you, and only focus on that no matter what he is telling you, or trying to tell you. Whatever it is is more than likely not true, and always self serving and isn't real.

You may have to leave your home for a while but think of the peace and the calm you'll have without this malevolent man in your life.

I'll preface this by saying I've never been in a situation like yours, so of course I can't understand how difficult it is to get out of this relationship.

But I did want to agree with PP that these seemingly small (to you) incidents, like pulling your bobble out of your hair and smacking your bum are abusive and not normal in the context of a healthy relationship. He shouldn't even tell you to put your hair down - that's not his decision. My husband wouldn't even dream of suggesting I put my hair down because he would prefer it, because he knows that I wear my hair how I want to for myself, not for him. This is just an example to show you how far away from normal and healthy this behavior of his is.

You need to be strong and do whatever it takes to permanently rid yourself and your children of this man. He is not a good man.

For everyone saying I'm not recognising the danger, not putting my kids first etc I'm here asking for advice, acknowledging what's wrong. I already know I've not done good enough but honestly, if you've not been in my shoes or the shoes of thousands of others you'll never understand why it's taken me this long. It takes him ten minutes at my door to turn me from hating him to crying and apologising about it all being my fault. To being wonderful with the kids and make me question myself.

I don't want to uproot my kids, change their schools, but it's really not as simple as that.

The difference this time is it's no longer just sexual abuse. It's taken a darker turn over the last 3/4 months, my pets, the control he's trying to exert, and I believe he's financially abusing me too.

Those that seem to think it would be easy to just leave, before I met this man, I had the same mindset, that I would be gone, never tolerate it and I myself couldn't understand women who stayed. If it was that easy there wouldn't need to be a womens aid, women wouldn't die at the hands of abusive men and it would all be very simple.

The easier thing to do would be to stay and block block block, I just feel I need to support of professionals to follow this through and heal.

Hello @sundaymondayhappydayss we've moved your thread to Relationships. We're really sorry to hear about your situation.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Please also take a look at our
Domestic Violence webguide.

You're receiving some really good advice here, OP, but please do seek real life help as soon as you can. Very best wishes from MNHQ.

Is there a friend or family member that you could go and stay with for a couple of weeks - preferably out of the area? Get some time away from the situation to clear your head. Get a new mobile number & email address, stay off social media or change your accounts there too.

I don’t know the legal side of things, but if you went to the police & got an injunction against him coming to your house or contacting you then hopefully he’ll get the message.

Of course you need help OP. And you deserve it. People trying to make you feel guilty is the very opposite of help.

I think one of the reasons that you haven’t left him is that you don’t really think that he would physically hurt your daughters. And he knows that hurting your daughters is the one thing you won’t tolerate. So he won’t threaten them. Yet

But I think the incident with the puppy has shaken you up, because you don’t trust him not to hurt the puppy. And now he’s found that you didn’t throw him out when he mistreated the puppy, he will escalate the abuse.

I’m sorry but it is quite likely that he will kill the dog. Just to show you that he can.

@Shelby2010 the puppy thing has bothered me because he did it despite me saying no. And then brought her in and told me how much of a good swimmer she is and to get a fucking towel! And I just feel weak in them moments. Same as the bra thing, he was physically trying to force my arms up to remove it with my top once he'd wrapped his arms tight round me to unhook it. And all I can do is stand there bra less and telling him he needs to understand the word no. How pathetic

If you have good support where you currently live (e.g., from your children's school, your workplace, friends and/or family), you may decide that staying put is best for all concerned. But that means staying very strong and not letting this abusive thug weasel his way back into your life. Can you do that? If not a refuge might be the safest option. Though again, you would need to cut all contact with him.

I have a relative who stayed in an abusive marriage for more than 20 years. Everyone in the family pleaded with her to leave him. And she would leave for a while, once for almost a year, but she continued going back to him. It was only when he attacked her from behind (breaking a bottle over her head) that she finally had enough. She is a wonderful person and I adore her. But the truth is that her children were all damaged from the trauma of growing up in an abusive household. And she could have stopped it earlier but for whatever reason felt unable to do so. Don't be like her. Protect yourself, protect your children.

The difference this time is it's no longer just sexual abuse. It's taken a darker turn over the last 3/4 months, my pets, the control he's trying to exert, and I believe he's financially abusing me too.

But you broke up with him 4 weeks ago.

So it’s frustrating that you’ve taken him back within the past 4 weeks knowing what a danger he is.

If you lived with him it would obviously be harder to escape but you don’t so you don’t need to keep inviting him around your children.

The easier thing to do would be to stay and block block block, I just feel I need to support of professionals to follow this through and heal.

This is why you must engage with social services and ask them for their help, instead of seeing them as a group of people working against you.

You should be much more scared of the ramifications of staying with this man than you are of the ramifications of social services being involved.

Their objective is to safeguard your children.

This man has no ties to them other than being your boyfriend. If you're able to end the relationship, they need never see him ever again for the rest of their lives.

But that decision is in your hands and as he's so manipulative and you're so vulnerable, you must engage all relevant agencies (including police and social services) proactively and tell them you want him out of your life and will do anything to protect your children.

He's escalating. You say you aren't afraid of him but I'm afraid you should be

He is warping my thoughts and judgments. He skews all my decisions.

@sundaymondayhappydayss, you have agency in your own life. Your thoughts can’t be warped or your decisions skewed without your permission.

You’ve broken up/reunited with this psychopath at least 20 times. You are harming your daughters and pets by exposing them to this train wreck, but you can turn this around by removing the criminal from your lives permanently. Otherwise, your children are guaranteed a very bleak present and future.

He has:
*Abused alcohol in your home and encouraged you to do the same
*Ripped off your clothes and underwear countless times, destroying them
*Punched and burned you
*Suddenly grabbed your breast/bits roughly
*Coerced you to have sex
*Thrown you onto the shower rail, hurting your back
*Ripped your nipple
*Brought OWs into your home when you’ve been away and you’ve found their underwear
*Destroyed your property
*Been on cocaine
*Paid for sex from prostitutes supplied by his drug dealer

Your boundaries are too weak to stay in your home. You always find a way to let him back in. In my view, the shelter is the only way to escape the danger and destruction he presents. Your younger child’s assessment and servicing will transfer. Your pets will be safer being fostered than they are in your house.

Please, please take definitive action asap. Get out, do the Freedom Programme, and seek individual counseling to rebuild your self-esteem, strengthen your boundaries, and learn coping strategies to break the trauma bond.

All of your lives depend on it.

I don't mean this in an unkind way, but I think you need to think about why his treatment of your dog seems to a tipping point, compared to his abusive treatment of your children.
Allowing children to be exposed to over sexualised behaviour/sexual abuse is of itself recognised as abuse.
Please, please engage with support.

The difference this time is it's no longer just sexual abuse. It's taken a darker turn over the last 3/4 months, my pets, the control he's trying to exert, and I believe he's financially abusing me too.

OP, copy and paste these things you’re saying yourself onto notes, or email or something so, in bad moments you can read back what you KNOW. You are articulating it very clearly and in between times you’re doubting yourself,

When your head is a mess it is much easier to pick out definite actions from the tangle to see clearly than the more intangible things. He’s deliberately fucking with her sense of things.

This.

Thanks again for the support and helping me make sense of things

Where are the children’s dad?

Could they live with him until you have sorted out your boundaries?

What made me leave was realising the abuse would affect my DC, but I appreciate every case is different.

Whatever works, I say.

OP social services priorities will be:

1. Keeping your children safe
2. Supporting you to keep your family together

I don't think you should fear SS because it sounds like you do need the support. If you aren't able to keep your children safe because you aren't able to escape from the abuse this man is subjecting all of you to then SS intervention would be a good thing. SS has all kinds of tools and resources that you don't have access to right now. If you feel you can't make these changes on your own then I really think you need to embrace professional help, and the scrutiny that may come with it.

bear in mind that if your children are removed from your care the chances are really high that their schools will also change.

you are right that you do need professional help. You are incredibly beaten down by this man. My take is that you do need to move because he can manipulate you too easily. There is more to your DCs lives than school. There is living free from fear with a healthy mum who puts them first.

Go to the refuge.

I've been in your situation op. It was my house. I got him out. It wasn't easy. It was my home and I wasn't leaving it for a man.
If you go to the refuge it has to be because its over. If its over you can get support to stay in your own home and get rid of him. Wherever you are unless he's gone from your head there will always be a chance you'll take him back. Social services will get involved if you stay with him. Not if you don't