To go to womens refuge tomorrow?

[sundaymondayhappydayss]

Please please please don't berate me. I'm extremely fragile, I'm just questioning my judgment massively at present.

There's a long history of sexual abuse (touching without consent, no bodily respect etc), I have previously been to refuge but returned after two days as he found me and spoke me round so to speak.

We got back together, he didn't change regarding the respect and sexual aspects. My children noticed, social services got involved after I enquired again about refuge but backed out after he found out.

He maintains I'm the problem, that he does what he does because I'm distant or have male friends.

We broke up around 3 months ago, I don't know why but I found myself desperate to have him back, I now have him back albeit not living together since I helped him to find a flat etc.

Tonight he put my puppy chihuahua into a pool of water. This may sound trivial but she had just woke up, it was dark and he decided to see if she could swim despite me firmly telling him not to do this to her. He has rearranged my bedroom despite me pleading with him to leave my bedroom alone, (this happens every time he is here, he jokingly claims my bed is his since he collected it in his work van for me) his reasoning is that he sleeps better where he puts the bed.

I am aware this is trivial, or perhaps sounds trivial but it's the underlying lack of respect of my wishes. As soon as my kids went to bed he forced my bra off of me, the whole time with 'smiles' and 'jokes' despite me saying i didn't want my bra removed.

The history of this relationship is huge but this is the basics of our recent times.

I just can't deal with it anymore. 4 weeks ago I wanted to throw myself from a bridge because I just couldn't cope with the mental torture. I feel better now but I'm really upset about what he's done to my dog, I really feel it just shows he doesn't give a fuck about my feelings.

I'm in bed next to him now vowing to go to refuge tomorrow, I know I could just end it but he will come to my
House and I'll let him back. Like I always do.

I left refuge last time in part due to the fact they were insisting I move my kids to a different school. My youngest is awaiting an assessment for autism and the school are brilliant with her so I really don't want to go down this road. But I am aware that I am doing them harm by remaining in this state of disrespect.

Should I go to refuge?

If he’s in your home and you don’t want him there, tell him to go. If he doesn’t go ring the police.
Change the locks.
If you’re in HA housing they have domestic abuse support workers, womens aid also have floating support.
it is possible to stay in your home and get rid of him with the right support.

OP ignore the victim blaming posts and the ones bring up negatives of going to the refuge. Some posters have neither awareness of dv and trauma bonding or are deliberately berating you for their own entertainment and I've reported.

Refuge spaces are like gold dust and if they have offered a space that means they think your situation really warrants one. This will be short term pain and disruption for long term gain and happiness for you and your dc. Take the refuge offer. Get your strength back in that safe space. Your puppy will be fine and safe. Your children will be fine and safe. You will be fine and safe.

It's not petty what he's doing, it's cruel, very intentionally cruel. He's chipping away at you and your boundaries. He's seeing how far he can push it, and he will keep pushing. My heart goes out to you. You don't deserve to be in this position and faced with these choices.

Some of the posters on here also need to read this! And do a bit of research on trauma bonding while they're at it. Horrified by some of these posts.

you are not overreacting - but even if you were it is perfectly acceptable to end a relationship with a lovely caring person if you want to- your judgement and thinking is distorted

taking your bra off is sexual assault
the puppy in water issue is animal abuse

report him to the police today - then follow some of the advice above and do everything you can to get him out of your life and protect your girls

I think you need to have a think about what will be different if you do go to the refuge.
At the moment you have your own home but you can’t help but let him contact and visit you.
you went to the refuge before but let him contact you and persuade you back.
you want to go to the same local refuge and keep your children in the same school.
What will be different?
I would either leave and go to a far away refuge and change your number etc
or stay in your home and keep your children at their school and sign up for therapy and surround yourself with as much support as you can to keep strong and keep him away.

I've been in Refuge and wanted to stay in the local area due to family support and not wanting to change my kids schools. In the end I wish I had moved away even if just for a month or 2. I eventually had to change my youngests school as he would turn up there despite the restraining order. It may be possible for the police and refuge to get a restraining order against him so he can't contact you or the kids but to be honest you have to be strong enough to report the breaches and it sounds like he's worn you down so many times. Also him harming the dog is a huge red flag and the police and refuge will want to hear about it as it increases your risk from him. Lots of abusers use animal abuse as the first step towards hurting you. This man sounds dangerous. The best option would be to get far away from him and I know how hard that will be for you as trauma bonds and they make you so reliant on them but you can do this. If you stay your kids will lose their mum either thru him murdering you or you being driven to harm yourself or ss will take them if you remain. I know how hard it is to get away and stay away I accepted my ex back and was too scared to tell anyone but you can do this. Get away as far as you can. Your kids will thank you. A fresh start sounds like the best thing and maybe you have someone who could take the dog and look after for you. Please don't let this man back he will never change and things will only get worse. Block on everything and move on so you can live the amazing life you deserve.

The story of the drowned puppies (I'm sorry, I can't remember the name of the poster) is truly horrific. And also makes me feel like I'm overreacting

No you are not overreacting. You need to
get this horrible man out of your life forever. If there is any effective way to do this without going to a refuge, I would explore that first. As you don’t live together, it may be possible. Going to a refuge is a last resort but if all else fails, it may be what you have to do.

Also if you live in housing association/council house you may be able to do a swap but the support myself and my children received in refuge was fantastic.

So he doesn’t live with you ..can you get an injunction so he can’t come near you or the kids …I sense your reluctance to move ,you have a full life there ,he’s just fucking it up.
have you reported all this to the police ? Have you asked the police for their advice ,are you ringing 101 999 every time he forces his way in your home?
if you do go in the refuge,what happens to your house ?
is it rented or owned ?
does someone clear it for you and sell it ?
or will you at some point go back to live in it ?
what help is available through the refuge with out actually uprooting your kids .
you say you’ve been in and come out of a refuge already ,how many times do they let you do this ..
I can’t imagine what it must be like to be in this situation,I actually didn’t know refuges took women who had a home ,I thought it was for women made homeless.
perhaps I’ve not understood the situation,but at some point your going to have to come back to your house and get on with your life,personally I’d try to get every ounce of support I could from different agencies to keep my kids in their home .

Please go to a refuge and block him from your phone and all social media.

You know you can't do it on your own and you know your DC are being damaged by staying with him.

Most abused woman take several attempts to leave their abusers.

You can do this

Hi.

It sounds like a terrible situation so can i ask, is your house rented or do you own it?

I was about to post something very similar to this. You've gone to the local refuge before and it didn't get you out of the situation. What will be different this time?

I agree that either a refuge far away as the first step to a new start in a new place or using legal means (police, non-molestation or restraining order, etc) to keep him away are your options. Either needs to be combined with a lot of support for you so you don't take this cruel piece of crap back into your and your children's lives.

Sorry if anyone has said anything similar but if you don't want to leave your home I would contact your local DV support hub (details normally on your local Council website but I'm sure you are aware of them already) and refer yourself for an Independent Domestic Violence Advocate (IDVA). They will really support you and if you don't want to leave your home they can help your apply for non-molestation orders etc to legally keep him away from you. Good luck, I hope you manage to remove you and your girls from the situation (or remove him from your situation!)

@CockapooMum did they let you keep your kids in their school then? Because when I was in the refuge last time they were adamant they couldn't stay at their school despite the school agreeing to reduced days/temporary homeschooling. (It was close to the end of term, this time last year actually!) I don't know where I'd stand insisting they remain at their school.

I’ve just read what mrsdoglady wrote
that information in the op would of had me give a totally different answer
you need to move away honey ,you need the refuge to help you .
you can’t fight this alone ,good luck finding the strength x

Yes they did but I already had restraining order in place which named the schools and was to prevent him turning up there and they knew I would report him as he breached the restraining order 15 times. I was a nervous wreck taking my youngest to school or even leaving the house as everywhere I went I would bump into him as he knew my routine so with hindsight I wish we'd moved away at least for a short while. He sounds very dangerous tho and I would take advice from refuge as they know more about your situation and his risk to you. Please inform the police too. I know how hard it is but your girls deserve a mum who is happy and free from him. It is hard but I promise it is so worth it to break free and I am stronger happier and enjoying life now which I know wouldn't be the case if i was still with him. You can do this. Stay strong and get him out. It may be that you can stay with the help of the sanctuary scheme someone else mentioned as they have these in most areas but I didn't want to live in the same house as I was constantly on eggshells waiting for him to turn up and it's no way to live.

His treatment of your dog is a start to see how far he can go —- and how he can use the dog to manipulate you. As pp have said it can be a precursor to abuse.

Please get out —- as faraway as you can. This will only get worse.
I will foster you dog foc if you need me to.
Your daughters will settle where you are happy, they will blossom when mum is safe.
Please contact the refuge and ask them to get you as far away as possible.

The thing is, I'm not afraid of him, No doubt I am minimising what he's doing but this flight response I'm having is because I just can't seem to cut it off and then be strong enough. He always, ALWAYS reels me back in.

My biggest thing here is how this is affecting my daughters, especially my eldest since she knows the history of what's happened.

Im so scared though of what social services will do

This morning he's going on about making sure I get my tyres sorted, he's been outside sorting my girls pool out.

I do wonder if he does the nice things when he knows he's pushed me too far.

If you don't get him out your life then the risk of SS removing your DC is far higher than if you show you are trying to end the relationship.

Social services will support you to stay away from him. It’s going to be far worse if one of your dds tells someone outside the house and they report to social services and you aren’t doing all you can to get rid of him.

You say you aren’t scared, how can that be? How did he force your bra off if you aren’t scared of him? You are afraid of saying no.

He burnt your crotch? How can you say you aren’t scared of him.

I don’t want to upset yours But he will abuse your children. There’s a really high probability of that. He is already distressing your kids, so they are already abused and you are accepting this.

If you can’t start the process of a restraining order or can’t stay away from him, you are allowing him to abuse your children. That’s what Social Services will be more bothered about. But if you are actively, trying to prevent this, they will support you.

You say that you live in your own place but you want to go to a refuge.
You know what you need to do, but you're not willing to do it, because he's clearly more important than your kids and pets.
If he wasn't, then you would have got rid well before now.

You need to find your inner strength to leave.

If you stay your children and puppy will continue to be harmed. You will get to the stage where they no longer forgive you or want to stay with you. You'll lose them young (to social services or death) or you'll lose them as young adults when they realise you didn't protect them when they needed it.

Don't kid yourself that the status quo can continue. The children are getting older and more able to understand what's happening - more likely to share with school etc (and so they should - "my dad attacks my mum and drowns our pupppy" is literally what childline was invented for).
At the same time the abuse is escalating and will lead to more physical and emotional hurt.

Saying leaving "doesn't work" isn't good enough. You need to do better. Get help - womens aid, the police, a counsellor etc. Shout from the rooftops what's happening, he doesn't deserve to have his reputation protected by you.

YANBU - If you need to go to a refuge then go.

But you can’t use it as a ‘break’ from him.

It’s somewhere to go until you find a new home.
There should be no way for him to contact you as he’ll not have your number or address so there’s no way he can reel you back in.

Put your dog into foster care first.

I’m very concerned you have children and keep inviting this man into your home.
I assume you now have social services involvement?
Do they know you’re back in a relationship with him?