To go to womens refuge tomorrow?

[sundaymondayhappydayss]

Please please please don't berate me. I'm extremely fragile, I'm just questioning my judgment massively at present.

There's a long history of sexual abuse (touching without consent, no bodily respect etc), I have previously been to refuge but returned after two days as he found me and spoke me round so to speak.

We got back together, he didn't change regarding the respect and sexual aspects. My children noticed, social services got involved after I enquired again about refuge but backed out after he found out.

He maintains I'm the problem, that he does what he does because I'm distant or have male friends.

We broke up around 3 months ago, I don't know why but I found myself desperate to have him back, I now have him back albeit not living together since I helped him to find a flat etc.

Tonight he put my puppy chihuahua into a pool of water. This may sound trivial but she had just woke up, it was dark and he decided to see if she could swim despite me firmly telling him not to do this to her. He has rearranged my bedroom despite me pleading with him to leave my bedroom alone, (this happens every time he is here, he jokingly claims my bed is his since he collected it in his work van for me) his reasoning is that he sleeps better where he puts the bed.

I am aware this is trivial, or perhaps sounds trivial but it's the underlying lack of respect of my wishes. As soon as my kids went to bed he forced my bra off of me, the whole time with 'smiles' and 'jokes' despite me saying i didn't want my bra removed.

The history of this relationship is huge but this is the basics of our recent times.

I just can't deal with it anymore. 4 weeks ago I wanted to throw myself from a bridge because I just couldn't cope with the mental torture. I feel better now but I'm really upset about what he's done to my dog, I really feel it just shows he doesn't give a fuck about my feelings.

I'm in bed next to him now vowing to go to refuge tomorrow, I know I could just end it but he will come to my
House and I'll let him back. Like I always do.

I left refuge last time in part due to the fact they were insisting I move my kids to a different school. My youngest is awaiting an assessment for autism and the school are brilliant with her so I really don't want to go down this road. But I am aware that I am doing them harm by remaining in this state of disrespect.

Should I go to refuge?

Op I can feel how hard you’re finding this. That’s why people are suggesting you read up on trauma bonding.

I would go to the refuge. And I would rethink moving away. I know you feel the school is being supportive of your DDs needs but another school could be just as supportive. If staying in the area means you are at risk of him reeling you back in then moving away is your best option for a safe and happy life. Not just for you but for your DC.

While he is part of your life there is a risk that SS will remove your children from your care because you will be deemed unable to keep them safe. While education is important, safety is more important.

Go to the refuge. Get that support that you clearly need to rebuild your life. Remind yourself that your priorities are skewed as a result of fear of change and trauma bonding.

I wish you all the best

Sorry to hear your story OP, you need to be strong for your girls. I think for your children it's best you don't move but if you think that is your only option then you should do that.

I think you should wait a week, wait for the half term. Use the week to arrange a safe place for you to go for the half term week, maybe your parents or a friends. End the relationship via text and tell him if he comes to the house you will call the police. When you are back after the week, he may have got the picture that the relationship is over but if not, call the police. Be strong for your girls.

Can you speak to the police about reinstating your statement?

He won't kill himself, it's an empty threat that works to keep you in line and do what he wants.

I know I threw a bit of spanner in the works by mentioning there’s an age that they don’t foster dogs, but do still check because it might be 6 months... I don’t have the paperwork to hand to check because it’s been a few years since I fostered for them.

But one of the reasons it exists is because it’s very common for abusers to also abuse pets and use them to control someone.

So they don’t leave puppies with the abusive partner, it’s just that it can be about 6 months before people are in a position to get the dog back and with puppies that’s an awful long time and it’s just not fair on them. But they do make sure they’re safe.

@tabulahrasa were you vetted to look after the dogs? Frightening handing them over to strangers and just hoping for the best. Was you in contact with the women at all regarding their dogs?

Cinnamon trust may be another option for the dogs too.

I've just remembered that last night he just yanked my bobble out of my hair and told me to put my hair down. I didn't, and put the bobble back in but wtf.. that's not normal is it..!?
He smacks my bum so so hard. I've asked him to stop, he won't. And I'm seething that he's rearranged my room despite me telling him repeatedly not to, every time he comes here he moves it all, I put it back, he comes again and moves it back. Thinking about it, last night he said to me "you don't get to say no".

It's evolving and getting worse. He berated me for taking my daughter to a concert last week

But he does all of this with smiles, never anger. It's always a joke that I apparently don't get, then I'm made to feel boring for it. Last night he said "you're a barrel of laughs today aren't you" after I'd got cross about my bedroom etc

OP you need to start thinking about your children needs over yours.

Right now you do not sound like a good parent and you’re definitely at risk of having your children removed.

Text him and tell him you’re ending the relationship and you don’t want any contact from now on - then CHANGE your number. Then there is no way for him to contact you.

If he turns up at your door then tell him to go away else you’ll phone the police. If he doesn’t leave then ring them.

I know it’s not easy ending a relationship with someone who is manipulative or controlling but it really annoys me when people put their kids in these situations.

It makes me believe that many of these women would rather their DCs are taken into care.

I’m currently working with a girl who has been SA and raped by her mums last 2 boyfriends. Her mum has just moved a new boyfriend in after less than a week.

Do not allow your children to grow up in a home where their mum chooses a man over them.

Im confused as to why you can’t stay put either, but I’m not you.

so as a start, call Women’s aid and take it from there. Perhaps they can come up with a plan that will help you stay, and keep him away.

I had to fill in an application form asking loads of stuff about us and experience with dogs and stuff , then supply 2 references and pass a home check where they asked more stuff and checked the house and garden.

It’s no direct contact between the owner and foster, I’d get a copy of a form the owner had filled out about the dog, usual exercise, commands they knew, where they usually slept and favourite games etc.

I’d get visits from the staff after a week, then a couple of weeks later and then once a month - and I’d do email updates with photos.

if the owner wanted me to know something or I needed to pass on info it’s through the staff - for instance I got a call saying the owner wanted me to know it was the dog’s birthday, so I took him to the beach and sent back photos of him on his birthday or a couple needed medical treatment so I’d pass on what the vet had done and get their permission for anything that needed doing via the staff.

But literally all I’d know about the owner is stuff to do with how the dog had been living, so any other pets, whether it was used to children - I didn’t even know where in the country they came from other than travel time - so I couldn’t be used to trace the owner, I also wasn’t ever allowed to put them on social media and was to be vague with strangers about why I was fostering them, because they have had the odd rare case where someone’s claimed their dog has been stolen to find their ex partner.

Op.

If he talked you round from the refuge last time why would this time be any different?

If you're going to do this, you actually have to do it.

You need to leave him. And not ever take him back. He is abusing you and your children.

His abuse is escalating. You need to protect your kids.

However you do it, you have to get him out of your life for good.

He doesn't deserve you.

Go to the refuge. Or change the locks, block him and go back to the police for help

There is usually, eventually, a time that’s “different”, after previous attempts to leave.

It doesn’t need the facts to change, it just needs the abused person to find the right mixture of courage and determination at the right moment.

Notmally I would just straight up say that every individual has to come to that point themselves and there’s no point trying to chide them into it when they already feel bullied and disempowered, but what I would be worried about, OP, in your position, is the interest social services have already shown. It might be that, to avoid child protection action, you will have to hurry up the timeline. So maybe start planning for the “least bad” way to get this done?

If he threatens to Kill himself, call the police to do a welfare check.

when you have the retaining order in place also report him for breaking it. At the same time.

@Sortilege

Yes, I know.

The op has posted for advice (I think)

Thats mine.

That is deliberate manipulation. He is gaslighting you to maintain the advantage. It is definitely an abuse tactic. You’re not imagining it. It’s not okay.

@Mally100 you can’t understand? Then you’re lucky. Some people here are lucky to have no idea of how an abuser can chip away at your boundaries. Can make you feel you’re not worth better and can’t live without them.

So sorry OP, I haven’t read pp’s replies but is this man the father of your children?

What @Wolfiefan said

A lot of abusive men - most or all abusive men - deliberately groom their victims to feel there is no effective escape and that they will always track them down. It takes massive energy and determination to overcome the fear, so the victim-blaming posts are really counterproductive as well as unpleasant.

For anyone who has to do it (refugees, evacuees, abuse survivors), packing up everything and walking away from a life is traumatic in itself. Very. Of course when the alternative is worse it’s the right and brave thing to do, but it isn’t easy, and it doesn’t help anybody to pretend that it is easy.

OP just needs to gather her own strength and her own determination.

And what @Wolfiefan said.

Some people here are lucky to have no idea of how an abuser can chip away at your boundaries. Can make you feel you’re not worth better and can’t live without them.

I agree but surely when you have children you put their welfare above yourself and your partner.

The only person who can change this situation and not put her DC or pets (and herself) at risk is her.

They don’t live together, he’s not the DCs dad, she’s been to a refuge before and has phoned the police on him before - it’s not like she’s financially dependent or has no where to live like many women.

She is choosing to get back in contact with him.
Obviously it’s because he’s manipulated her to feel this way but sometimes you have to take responsibility for your own actions.

He’s not going to change.
OP needs to be the one to change.

This is my feelings exactly. This man has no ties to these kids other than the one that the op is choosing to keep. There are children involved who have experienced trauma over this situation, and yet the op is not moved enough to protect these girls. She needs to take responsibility here, and face the fact that she is participating in affecting her children's lives. I feel so sad on behalf of those girls. Who is protecting them or looking out for them?