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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

To go to womens refuge tomorrow?

376 replies

sundaymondayhappydayss · 20/05/2022 00:15

Please please please don't berate me. I'm extremely fragile, I'm just questioning my judgment massively at present.

There's a long history of sexual abuse (touching without consent, no bodily respect etc), I have previously been to refuge but returned after two days as he found me and spoke me round so to speak.

We got back together, he didn't change regarding the respect and sexual aspects. My children noticed, social services got involved after I enquired again about refuge but backed out after he found out.

He maintains I'm the problem, that he does what he does because I'm distant or have male friends.

We broke up around 3 months ago, I don't know why but I found myself desperate to have him back, I now have him back albeit not living together since I helped him to find a flat etc.

Tonight he put my puppy chihuahua into a pool of water. This may sound trivial but she had just woke up, it was dark and he decided to see if she could swim despite me firmly telling him not to do this to her. He has rearranged my bedroom despite me pleading with him to leave my bedroom alone, (this happens every time he is here, he jokingly claims my bed is his since he collected it in his work van for me) his reasoning is that he sleeps better where he puts the bed.

I am aware this is trivial, or perhaps sounds trivial but it's the underlying lack of respect of my wishes. As soon as my kids went to bed he forced my bra off of me, the whole time with 'smiles' and 'jokes' despite me saying i didn't want my bra removed.

The history of this relationship is huge but this is the basics of our recent times.

I just can't deal with it anymore. 4 weeks ago I wanted to throw myself from a bridge because I just couldn't cope with the mental torture. I feel better now but I'm really upset about what he's done to my dog, I really feel it just shows he doesn't give a fuck about my feelings.

I'm in bed next to him now vowing to go to refuge tomorrow, I know I could just end it but he will come to my
House and I'll let him back. Like I always do.

I left refuge last time in part due to the fact they were insisting I move my kids to a different school. My youngest is awaiting an assessment for autism and the school are brilliant with her so I really don't want to go down this road. But I am aware that I am doing them harm by remaining in this state of disrespect.

Should I go to refuge?

OP posts:
2022NewTimes · 31/05/2022 19:17

Hi OP - hope you are settling in....its normal to feel anxious and a bit overwhelmed - don't let it distract you from the new path you are providing for you and your girls - you are doing amazingly well and that feeling won't last long - it's the last remnants of the control that you have freed yourself from....... I am three months out of an abusive relationship and the peace is so calming......you will get there.......

gianaInfertilitySucks · 31/05/2022 21:53

go to the refuge, you deserve a second chance. You deserve a chance to set free. Your children need you, you're a strong woman to have survived all that you mentioned. go to the refuge, my prayers are with you x

Wolfiefan · 31/05/2022 23:40

Thinking of you OP. Hope you are safe.

Original poster
sundaymondayhappydayss · 02/06/2022 10:32

Hello everyone. Thankyou for thinking of me, we're still here which is an achievement! Still getting my head around it all still, got all the hard parts out of the way now (telling the necessary people) so my anxiety is much better now. Girls are happy, they're going to see their dad soon which means I get a break haha. They're sick of the sight of each other that's for sure. X

OP posts:
JanglyBeads · 02/06/2022 10:35

Oh that all sounds great @sundaymondayhappydayss, so well done!

Have you managed to block him on everything?

wellhelloitsme · 02/06/2022 10:40

Oh amazing!! Well done OP. You should be really proud of yourself, you can see it through this time for your girls Flowers

Hardly123 · 02/06/2022 11:56

So pleased to hear this.

BemoreDerek · 02/06/2022 12:38

Really pleased to hear you're doing so well OP, please remember we're here for the bits where you're not doing so well too though, you don't have to do this alone Flowers

Newestname002 · 02/06/2022 14:17

Oh well done @sundaymondayhappydayss!! I'm so pleased you're all still there and settling in. Wishing you all the best on this Jubilee weekend. 🌹

Newestname002 · 04/06/2022 11:26

How is the day going for you and your girls, OP? 🌹

comfortablyfrumpy · 04/06/2022 11:30

Hope you and your girls are still settling well, OP. :)

Original poster
sundaymondayhappydayss · 04/06/2022 18:57

Newestname002 · 04/06/2022 11:26

How is the day going for you and your girls, OP? 🌹

Going good Thankyou. The girls have gone to their dad for the weekend. He's hinted to my mum he may not bring them back, so I'm ready for that tomorrow! Could do without the stress of him

OP posts:
Newestname002 · 04/06/2022 21:08

Mmmm... at least you'd know he'd treat them well (?) whilst giving you time to come to grips with next steps. Do you have a reasonable relationship with him as far as the girls are concerned?

Hopefully he will see you sticking to this new, more determined you, getting rid of the horrible Ex for good and the girls will come back to you. Please don't despair - there's surely light at the end of the tunnel. 🌹

Original poster
sundaymondayhappydayss · 04/06/2022 22:14

They won't want to be apart from me, I absolutely will not lay down and allow it to happen. Usually have a good relationship, but if he tries this I will lose all trust and he will have ruined that.

OP posts:
wellhelloitsme · 04/06/2022 22:27

Hear me out - if he does ask to then could you agree that he could maybe take them for a couple more days than usual, so that you have some time to sort out admin with a clear head and he also gets some quality time with them as he's a little further from them than usual? Plus you'll know they are somewhere safe with no risk of contact with your abuser. It could be good for you too as a very temporary thing for a couple of days so don't discount it without considering it Flowers

Assuming he's a good and responsible dad, it could also foster trust between you both as understandably he's probably had a very tough time knowing you were with your awful ex and took your girls back there after originally leaving, which must have been very difficult for him. Imagine knowing his partner was a risk to the girls, it really must have been hard for him to watch and feel powerless about.

If you two can work as a team on co-parenting this could be an absolutely brilliant new start for the girls.

Just a thought, I hope it doesn't sound like I'm having a go at you.

Hardly123 · 06/06/2022 10:37

Sending love xx

Sortilege · 06/06/2022 21:56

Did he bring them back?

wellhelloitsme · 06/06/2022 21:57

How are you doing OP? Flowers

Original poster
sundaymondayhappydayss · 07/06/2022 07:54

We had a big discussion and agreed they're coming back today or tomorrow. Would have been sooner but my car broke down on the motorway of all places! And is now a write off so now not only are we living almost 200 miles from home, we have no car. Terrible luck.

OP posts:
Original poster
sundaymondayhappydayss · 07/06/2022 07:54

We had a big discussion and agreed they're coming back today or tomorrow. Would have been sooner but my car broke down on the motorway of all places! And is now a write off so now not only are we living almost 200 miles from home, we have no car. Terrible luck.

OP posts:
Newestname002 · 07/06/2022 19:19

Just checking in to see how you are doing OP. What huge nuisance about your car - that problem is something you could have done without. Are you able to arrange anything with the insurance company? 🌹

Mellymelson · 17/06/2022 14:43

How are you and your girls doing? ❤

Original poster
sundaymondayhappydayss · 18/06/2022 17:33

@Mellymelson not bad, been here a while now. Getting harder in the sense that I'm a little homesick. And a new school. I can't sleep here, up and down like a yo yo all night, not sure why.

OP posts:
wellhelloitsme · 18/06/2022 18:13

sundaymondayhappydayss · 18/06/2022 17:33

@Mellymelson not bad, been here a while now. Getting harder in the sense that I'm a little homesick. And a new school. I can't sleep here, up and down like a yo yo all night, not sure why.

So, so pleased and relieved to hear you're still there, well done you!

Is there a plan for the near future from the refuge team re putting measures in place potentially including police help? Or are you leaving things to settle for a while?

Worth asking the refuge team if they can organise you seeing a GP for some help sleeping. Lack of sleep can do such awful things to our mental health and make us feel hopeless especially during the night when it feels like everyone is asleep but us.

Thinking of you and your girls often Flowers

comfortablyfrumpy · 18/06/2022 20:58

Well done you for sticking it. Things will get better x

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