Inappropriate behaviour from a guy I am seeing?

[Charliec12]

I have been seeing a guy for 6 months now we are taking things slow and not official. He gets anger issues and has depression and drinking does not help. Last weekend we were at his ex girlfriend’s house for a bbq (he is still good friends with her). Anyway the ex girlf split up with her new partner that evening and he moved out. The partner who moved out blames the guy I am seeing for it all as he is good friends with this girl still and the guy I am seeing goes round there a lot still. Anyway I found out the next day that to wind the partner up who had moved out that night the guy I am seeing had decided to send messages to the partner about what he was doing in bed to his ex girlf who is also the guy I am seeing’s ex girlf too. I got sent the screenshots sadly. This is out of order isn’t it from the guy I am seeing even though we are not official? He was very drunk and said he did it to wind the ex partner up who had just split up with the girl. The partner I am seeing has not apologised to me about it either

Yes he has messed my head up alright

They haven’t witnessed any toxic relationships
Apart from their mom being on and off with their dad while living in the family home together and disappearing on a weekend to spend time with her boyfriend and his sort of ex girlfriend?

They're witnessing toxicity everywhere.

Oh and I'm sure your druggie boyfriend will come wanting to fight your husband somewhere along the line, too

You've known for at least 6 weeks he's been spending £400 a month on cocaine.

Do people really live like this? People who claim to be responsible parents? Good god.

So, you’re still married (you said on and off and currently can’t leave the marriage, so you’re actually still married and having an affair with a violent drunk cokehead who is still shagging his ex girlfriend.

Your children would be so proud.

So what.
Anti-depressants won't help someone with drug issues, alcohol issues and anger issues.

I didn’t know he was that when I started seeing him. It has only been last Sat I found out he is taking coke daily

Six weeks ago you found out he was spending £400 a week on coke.

You carried on seeing him, shagging him and 'trying to help him'.

I don't know why you don't seem to get that this is on you not just him. You don't seem able to take any responsibility - if asked if your husband knows you're shagging this bloke you say 'he knows I have a friend with depression' which means no your husband doesn't know. And when asked why you're seeing a cokehead you say 'it's only been last sat I found out he is taking coke daily' yet six weeks ago on here you knew he was spending £400 a week.

You're an adult. You've got kids. You cannot repeatedly get involved with someone who is dangerous and on drugs then say your kids won't be affected because they haven't met him yet. That isn't how life works.

He's in their orbit. You put him there. Now you need to work out why so you can make better decisions.

I fell for him big time when he is normal he is lovely but I have realised over the months he is more and more messed up

I've got a horrible feeling OP that if he called you right now and said the right things, you'd be in his bed by the weekend...

Seriously, based on your previous threads about various men don't you think counselling would be wise to help you strengthen your boundaries and stop getting involved with people it's not appropriate to be involved with?

I think it has gone past marriage counselling to be honest I am clearly not happy and just falling for silly men

You "fell for him big time"?! Seriously?!

Take some responsibility for your part in this, you could easily block and walk away from this man, but you don't seem at all interested in doing so.

Throwing out cliches like "he really messed up my head" and "he's lovely sometimes" absolves you of any accountability in your own, and more importantly, your children's lives. They should be your priority, not this idiot.

You’re very silly and immature yourself, op.

Raise yourself above these losers.

I don’t think you realize what is possible for your life—self respect, dignity, relationships and friendships with people who are mature, have integrity, are honest and upstanding. A life lived, not spent hanging on every inane stupid word and foolish deed of a dum dum and his idiot ex. Come on.

I think it has gone past marriage counselling to be honest I am clearly not happy and just falling for silly men

I absolutely don't mean marriage counselling, I've repeatedly said that based on this and other threads I think you need to file for divorce because your marriage is clearly over.

I meant individual counselling for you as an emotional investment for you and your future.

It sounds like you would really benefit as you're making very bad and now dangerous decisions.

Calling them 'silly' is an understatement - one you potentially risked your job for as they're your supervisor and the other is an aggressive cokehead.

I think being able to take responsibility for your actions and feeling accountable for your part in what's going on would actually be quite liberating because it must be exhausting having to dismiss the fact you've consciously made repeated decisions not in the best interests of you and your girls.

This thread is so fucking depressing.

Totally agree Sat has definitely opened my eyes to it more then how bad it was before and now he won’t speak to me today when I am trying to tell h we are done which I would rather do via a call

You are spot on here I have made awful decisions and I also feel emotionally unstable too

Regarding my marriage I can’t afford to be on my own and feel awful the thought of splitting my family up they are the main reasons I am still in it and I need to see if I can get a break from these bad decisions and save anything with my hubbie

I doubt it apparently he doesn’t want all that hassle with another man and trouble and he doesn’t know my address and will not be round my house

Try being me :(

If he won't speak to you, job done, stop trying to and just block him.

It was really clear that you are not actually separated from your husband. It does sound like the marriage may be over but these situations are not the right way to finish it, they are not an escape route other than going from the frying pan into a (really blazing) fire.

Think about counselling.

Have you considered running off with his ex’s ex?

He seems to be available, has a reasonable perspective on his ex and your sort of (angry, drunk, depressive) boyfriend, and hasn’t yet sent malicious messages to anyone?

Quite a catch, compared to your current choice.

C’mon OP, how DARE this man send messages about the sex love if his ex, whether made up or true, to the other guy? That is a HORRIBLE way to treat a woman. How would you like it if he sent messages to another guy about what he did in bed with you?

He is a vile shit and you are an idiot if you stay with him, even casually.

I need to see if I can get a break from these bad decisions

You speak as if you have no agency in your life.

You do. You're just using it poorly and unfairly.

These things aren't happening to you without your permission, these are things you are consciously and actively doing.

You need counselling to understand why you are doing them because from the outside, objectively, they are batshit decisions that are completely self destructive.

And that would be sad and unfortunate if you were single and / or didn't have children.

But it's selfish and irresponsible if you're married and / or do have kids.

Your poor kids.

Are you not up for going for some individual counselling?

I doubt it apparently he doesn’t want all that hassle with another man

Unless it's his ex's partner or the barman at the local pub?

Exactly the reason why I have not invited him round my house as although me and hubbie often seperate I can see that being a disaster

My kids are not affected at all they have not met any of the men and won’t. This has all come to a head with the coke head at the weekend and that is a good thing to be honest.

Yes I think I need some counselling I am down a lot of the time but ultimately unhappy in my marriage and looking for excitement but getting the wrong excitement from total idiots

My kids are not affected at all they have not met any of the men and won’t.

As I explained earlier, that isn't the only thing that affects them when you're doing this.

They're witnessing parents having an increasingly confusing relationship (you've called it on / off, often separated, not really together etc) while living together. It's confusing as fuck for them and unfair. They are growing up thinking that relationships being on and off frequently are normal, that instability is normal, that not really being happy in a relationship is normal.

They're also seeing their mum having her energy and happiness depleted. They don't know it's supervisors and cokeheads doing it but the outcome is still the same - growing up with an unhappy mum who keeps doing the things that make her unhappy.

Divorce.
Solo counselling.
Make the kids your absolute priority.
Don't date until your boundaries are very strong, your self respect is healthy and expectations are reasonable instead of on the floor.