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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Inappropriate behaviour from a guy I am seeing?

312 replies

Charliec12 · 17/05/2022 22:14

I have been seeing a guy for 6 months now we are taking things slow and not official. He gets anger issues and has depression and drinking does not help. Last weekend we were at his ex girlfriend’s house for a bbq (he is still good friends with her). Anyway the ex girlf split up with her new partner that evening and he moved out. The partner who moved out blames the guy I am seeing for it all as he is good friends with this girl still and the guy I am seeing goes round there a lot still. Anyway I found out the next day that to wind the partner up who had moved out that night the guy I am seeing had decided to send messages to the partner about what he was doing in bed to his ex girlf who is also the guy I am seeing’s ex girlf too. I got sent the screenshots sadly. This is out of order isn’t it from the guy I am seeing even though we are not official? He was very drunk and said he did it to wind the ex partner up who had just split up with the girl. The partner I am seeing has not apologised to me about it either

OP posts:
CanofCant · 19/05/2022 16:30

'In the past' until next time.

150poundrebate · 19/05/2022 16:49

OP, the way you’re responding is a bit odd. It’s like you’re not fully engaging with what’s being said to you.

You need to take control of yourself and your life. No more ‘poor me, why is this happening to me’. Take responsibility for your previous poor choices and decide that you won’t be making similar choices in future. Are you willing to do this? As there is no other way forward.

KettrickenSmiled · 19/05/2022 16:52

OP - reckon I may as well bow out, as there's no point trying to help someone who repays PP's with lies.

My husband does know thank you :)
Well - that's absolutely untrue, & we all know it, as you told us so upthread.
He thinks you are 'helping a friend with depression' - not shagging a violent cokehead.

It's about as true 'I only found out he was a coke fiend on saturday' - aka "I've known for at least 6 weeks that he blows £400 a week on the stuff".

Or 'I'm trying my hardest to keep my family together' - aka "I can't afford a house without my husband's money, so I'm stringing him along with false promises while I get my kicks elsewhere"

I can't help but think you love the melodrama, or are just having a laugh with this thread.

Original poster
Charliec12 · 19/05/2022 17:03

KettrickenSmiled · 19/05/2022 16:52

OP - reckon I may as well bow out, as there's no point trying to help someone who repays PP's with lies.

My husband does know thank you :)
Well - that's absolutely untrue, & we all know it, as you told us so upthread.
He thinks you are 'helping a friend with depression' - not shagging a violent cokehead.

It's about as true 'I only found out he was a coke fiend on saturday' - aka "I've known for at least 6 weeks that he blows £400 a week on the stuff".

Or 'I'm trying my hardest to keep my family together' - aka "I can't afford a house without my husband's money, so I'm stringing him along with false promises while I get my kicks elsewhere"

I can't help but think you love the melodrama, or are just having a laugh with this thread.

My husband knows when we are on a break that was in response too and yes I know about the £400 coke habit but not that it was daily until last weekend.

OP posts:
Original poster
Charliec12 · 19/05/2022 17:04

150poundrebate · 19/05/2022 16:49

OP, the way you’re responding is a bit odd. It’s like you’re not fully engaging with what’s being said to you.

You need to take control of yourself and your life. No more ‘poor me, why is this happening to me’. Take responsibility for your previous poor choices and decide that you won’t be making similar choices in future. Are you willing to do this? As there is no other way forward.

I am yes I can’t keep getting in these silly situations which I know are my own doing

OP posts:
Original poster
Charliec12 · 19/05/2022 17:07

CanofCant · 19/05/2022 16:30

'In the past' until next time.

Nope I need to move on from all of this it is doing me no good and he is a total loser too and it is dangerous for my children to be around not that they met him luckily

OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 19/05/2022 17:08

Op you sound like you're just making excuses. People run out of sympathy.

150poundrebate · 19/05/2022 17:10

Charliec12 · 19/05/2022 17:04

I am yes I can’t keep getting in these silly situations which I know are my own doing

Show quote history

Excellent. I’m really pleased for you, in that case. You’ve made a lot of excuses on this thread and it’s really important that you examine the situation and fully own up to your part in this. If you’re willing to do that, the only way to go is up.

Lots of people have recommended counselling, and I think that’s a great idea. However, I know that’s not always immediately available. So, perhaps you could start a new post asking for suggestions on books/articles/podcasts/other free resources that might help you navigate your way through this.

Also, I strongly advise being single for a bit until you sort yourself out. Grabbing onto grubby little men for a bit of excitement solves nothing. It will not fulfil you.

CanofCant · 19/05/2022 17:12

But it's the second affair you have had, on a break or not. Is your husband aware that whenever you put your marriage on pause your either sexually or emotionally involved with another man? It sounded as though you weren't on a break when you were having an emotional affair with your senior colleague before and after you were pregnant with your youngest.

Have you suffered a trauma? Are you just bored or selfish? What is the reason you are do hell bent on this path of self destructive behaviour that will fuck up your children?

Original poster
Charliec12 · 19/05/2022 17:19

CandyLeBonBon · 19/05/2022 17:08

Op you sound like you're just making excuses. People run out of sympathy.

How am I making excuses? I am agreeing with all that is being said and taking the advice on board

OP posts:
Original poster
Charliec12 · 19/05/2022 17:21

CanofCant · 19/05/2022 17:12

But it's the second affair you have had, on a break or not. Is your husband aware that whenever you put your marriage on pause your either sexually or emotionally involved with another man? It sounded as though you weren't on a break when you were having an emotional affair with your senior colleague before and after you were pregnant with your youngest.

Have you suffered a trauma? Are you just bored or selfish? What is the reason you are do hell bent on this path of self destructive behaviour that will fuck up your children?

Unhappy in my marriage and trying to keep things together for my family. I have been trying for 3 years which matches me becoming unhappy

OP posts:
CPL593H · 19/05/2022 17:21

I've pretty much said my piece, but mean this kindly. Loser men (eg bosses after a bit of no strings excitement, addicts sensing a source of £££ and attention) can smell desperation and unhappiness. I have said, as has pretty much everyone, that you need to take responsibility for your actions and going forward that means staying away from any sort of relationship until you have resolved the situation with your marriage and worked on some strong boundaries and your self esteem. No man can do that for you, especially the ones you are rushing towards because you want an escape route. They won't provide it.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/05/2022 17:26

Unhappy in my marriage and trying to keep things together for my family

It doesn't benefit children to grow up in an unhappy marriage, for a start.

You staying married while shagging other people / having emotional affairs isn't helping your marriage, isn't helping your family, isn't helping your kids.

You're doing it for selfish reasons, to distract yourself from being brave and making a decision - either to stay and actually try to make the marriage work (which doesn't sound sensible as it clearly isn't working and hasn't been for ages) or to end the marriage and focus on healthily coparenting.

Instead of making a decision either way, you're getting involved with supervisors and shagging cokeheads. That's not 'trying to keep things together', it's 'trying to pretend reality isn't happening by avoiding behaving like an adult'.

CanofCant · 19/05/2022 17:33

OP come off it, in what way have you been trying?

youvegottenminuteslynn* has articulated my thoughts on your last post.

Original poster
Charliec12 · 19/05/2022 19:29

youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/05/2022 17:26

Unhappy in my marriage and trying to keep things together for my family

It doesn't benefit children to grow up in an unhappy marriage, for a start.

You staying married while shagging other people / having emotional affairs isn't helping your marriage, isn't helping your family, isn't helping your kids.

You're doing it for selfish reasons, to distract yourself from being brave and making a decision - either to stay and actually try to make the marriage work (which doesn't sound sensible as it clearly isn't working and hasn't been for ages) or to end the marriage and focus on healthily coparenting.

Instead of making a decision either way, you're getting involved with supervisors and shagging cokeheads. That's not 'trying to keep things together', it's 'trying to pretend reality isn't happening by avoiding behaving like an adult'.

You are making out I have slept with lots of people it was 1 and I didn’t realise he was a cokehead when that happened

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/05/2022 19:55

You didn't stop seeing him when you found out he took coke though did you?

And you didn't stop seeing him six weeks ago when you found out he was spending £400 a week on it did you?

You kept seeing him. And 'trying to help' him. And hanging out with him and his ex 'for him'. And prioritising this batshit non relationship over getting your head together and putting your children first by making some tough but necessary decisions.

You need some counselling, you are so vulnerable and unable to take accountability for your actions which is a really dangerous state to be in.

Original poster
Charliec12 · 19/05/2022 20:14

youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/05/2022 19:55

You didn't stop seeing him when you found out he took coke though did you?

And you didn't stop seeing him six weeks ago when you found out he was spending £400 a week on it did you?

You kept seeing him. And 'trying to help' him. And hanging out with him and his ex 'for him'. And prioritising this batshit non relationship over getting your head together and putting your children first by making some tough but necessary decisions.

You need some counselling, you are so vulnerable and unable to take accountability for your actions which is a really dangerous state to be in.

I didn’t no you are right there I kept thinking I could get him off coke and in a better place. Then I find out he has prob been with his ex all along and can ghost me now with no thought to it. Anyway I am away from him now which is the best thing for me. He was verbally angry to me on Monday so that was true colours I hadn’t seen before

OP posts:
150poundrebate · 19/05/2022 20:28

Charliec12 · 19/05/2022 20:14

I didn’t no you are right there I kept thinking I could get him off coke and in a better place. Then I find out he has prob been with his ex all along and can ghost me now with no thought to it. Anyway I am away from him now which is the best thing for me. He was verbally angry to me on Monday so that was true colours I hadn’t seen before

Show quote history

This is what I meant about not engaging with what people are saying. Your response has nothing to do with what this poster is communicating to you. You get that, surely?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/05/2022 20:29

You kept seeing him. And 'trying to help' him. And hanging out with him and his ex 'for him'. And prioritising this batshit non relationship over getting your head together and putting your children first by making some tough but necessary decisions.

You need some counselling, you are so vulnerable and unable to take accountability for your actions which is a really dangerous state to be in.

Just repeating this in the hope you read it this time OP.

Original poster
Charliec12 · 19/05/2022 20:55

youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/05/2022 20:29

You kept seeing him. And 'trying to help' him. And hanging out with him and his ex 'for him'. And prioritising this batshit non relationship over getting your head together and putting your children first by making some tough but necessary decisions.

You need some counselling, you are so vulnerable and unable to take accountability for your actions which is a really dangerous state to be in.

Just repeating this in the hope you read it this time OP.

Yes I read it and answered several of the questions originally and explained why I kept seeing him. I agree with you too
I am unstable and need help

OP posts:
forumdonkey · 19/05/2022 22:22

If you're in an unhappy marriage, then leave but stop jumping into relationships with any men that show you any attention. STAY SINGLE AND PUT YOUR CHILDREN FIRST

Original poster
Charliec12 · 20/05/2022 06:13

forumdonkey · 19/05/2022 22:22

If you're in an unhappy marriage, then leave but stop jumping into relationships with any men that show you any attention. STAY SINGLE AND PUT YOUR CHILDREN FIRST

Thank you

OP posts:
Herejustforthisone · 20/05/2022 06:41

Christ. This is depressing. And infuriating.

Original poster
Charliec12 · 20/05/2022 06:43

Herejustforthisone · 20/05/2022 06:41

Christ. This is depressing. And infuriating.

Why? Have you got anything positive to add?

OP posts:
PinotPony · 20/05/2022 07:15

Bloody hell. Is this thread really still going?!

OP, your answers to people's posts are incredibly passive. You agree that he's a twat. You agree that you've made by choices. You agree that it's all too much drama.

But you aren't saying anything about how or when you're going to improve your situation. You haven't blocked him. You haven't arranged therapy for yourself. You haven't told your DH that the marriage is over.

All this "Oh dear, my life is shit. Poor me." doesn't wash when you're taking no accountability for your actions or control of your future. Tell us, what are YOU going to do?