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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Inappropriate behaviour from a guy I am seeing?

312 replies

Charliec12 · 17/05/2022 22:14

I have been seeing a guy for 6 months now we are taking things slow and not official. He gets anger issues and has depression and drinking does not help. Last weekend we were at his ex girlfriend’s house for a bbq (he is still good friends with her). Anyway the ex girlf split up with her new partner that evening and he moved out. The partner who moved out blames the guy I am seeing for it all as he is good friends with this girl still and the guy I am seeing goes round there a lot still. Anyway I found out the next day that to wind the partner up who had moved out that night the guy I am seeing had decided to send messages to the partner about what he was doing in bed to his ex girlf who is also the guy I am seeing’s ex girlf too. I got sent the screenshots sadly. This is out of order isn’t it from the guy I am seeing even though we are not official? He was very drunk and said he did it to wind the ex partner up who had just split up with the girl. The partner I am seeing has not apologised to me about it either

OP posts:
Original poster
Charliec12 · 18/05/2022 18:24

youvegottenminuteslynn · 18/05/2022 18:10

My kids are not affected at all they have not met any of the men and won’t.

As I explained earlier, that isn't the only thing that affects them when you're doing this.

They're witnessing parents having an increasingly confusing relationship (you've called it on / off, often separated, not really together etc) while living together. It's confusing as fuck for them and unfair. They are growing up thinking that relationships being on and off frequently are normal, that instability is normal, that not really being happy in a relationship is normal.

They're also seeing their mum having her energy and happiness depleted. They don't know it's supervisors and cokeheads doing it but the outcome is still the same - growing up with an unhappy mum who keeps doing the things that make her unhappy.

Divorce.
Solo counselling.
Make the kids your absolute priority.
Don't date until your boundaries are very strong, your self respect is healthy and expectations are reasonable instead of on the floor.

Thank you so much I have hit rock bottom tonight and know I need some professional help :)

OP posts:
feistymumma · 18/05/2022 19:36

This just sounds bonkers before I can even begin to understand who did what to whom

KettrickenSmiled · 18/05/2022 19:55

It is done yes he has made that clear to me that we are done by ignoring me.
So ... HE says it's done.
When he needs money you again, so stops ignoring you, will YOU be 'done'? Or go back to him?

That’s what you get for trying to help a junkie I guess
Top tip: extra-maritally shagging a junkie doesn't help them quit their habit.
The fact that you sound resentful that he's ignoring you is worrying.
Have you blocked his number yet?

KettrickenSmiled · 18/05/2022 20:03

Seriously, based on your previous threads about various men don't you think counselling would be wise to help you strengthen your boundaries and stop getting involved with people it's not appropriate to be involved with?

I think it has gone past marriage counselling to be honest I am clearly not happy and just falling for silly men

OP - Lynn didn't suggest marriage counselling.
She suggested counselling.
Why did your thoughts only go to accessing counselling with a man in tow?

This is why you so desperately need therapy.
You seem unable to function without a man in your life. This is unhealthy, self-defeating, & will only attract low-quality men.

Get a divorce, stay single, focus on your kids, & get therapy.
In 2 or 3 years you may be able to make better choices & welcome a decent bloke into your life.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 18/05/2022 20:08

Be honest with us OP - have you blocked him on everything or not?

AlternativePerspective · 18/05/2022 20:11

IMO your kids would be better off with your husband ATM. You are absolutely deluded if you think this kind of toxicity isn’t going to have an affect on them.

If you were a woman posting here that you and your husband were on and off and that he was shagging various women including violent junkies the advice would be to leave and to go to court to ensure he only had supervised access.

Original poster
Charliec12 · 18/05/2022 20:19

AlternativePerspective · 18/05/2022 20:11

IMO your kids would be better off with your husband ATM. You are absolutely deluded if you think this kind of toxicity isn’t going to have an affect on them.

If you were a woman posting here that you and your husband were on and off and that he was shagging various women including violent junkies the advice would be to leave and to go to court to ensure he only had supervised access.

How rude my kids know nothing about me leaving the house thank you :)

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 18/05/2022 20:20

How rude my kids know nothing about me leaving the house thank you :)

Utter nonsense.

BOOTS52 · 18/05/2022 20:27

Just dump his dickhead arse and move on and block. He does not even see you as a proper girlfriend and always around at his exes, how can you think this is all normal so much drama after so little time.

CanofCant · 18/05/2022 20:29

OP, there is no way that you having extra marital relationships with drug users won't be affecting your children. As explained by pp, your head is elsewhere while you are fretting over how he is treating you, you are spending emotional energy on worthless, dead end interactions instead on on your children and they will notice.

Plus if things do get ugly should you and your husband ever separate don't think that he won't use any evidence he can get to try to make things difficult for you with regards to custody. You never know what a person can be like until the gloves are off.

I really think you should focus on yourself and your tendancy to think 'any gross useless man is better than none'. You could work to making a nice, secure life with your children if you address your unhappiness and codependency. You are sleepwalking into further misery.

KettrickenSmiled · 18/05/2022 20:33

How rude my kids know nothing about me leaving the house thank you :)
😂😂😂😂

How on earth do they not notice - are they locked in the coal cellar?

Seriously OP, have a word with yourself.
"How very dare you insult me, I take care to CONCEAL my grubby affairs with violent twats & work supervisors from my kids!"

If you put half the energy you put into 'helping' men into genuinely, caringly helping yourself - by getting into therapy for your self-esteem issues & swearing off men for 2 years - you will be able to look back at this sad & confusing time of your life with horror for how badly you were treating yourself.

I am sorry that this is coming over as harsh but please take it as 'tough love' & start applying it to yourself - you & your kids deserve better than this OP.
Get yourself some help.

forumdonkey · 18/05/2022 20:48

Omg this is a depressing read for so many reasons.

You don't need to phone him to tell him you're finished. Why do you want to? Are you hoping he'll be sorry, tell you that he loves and can't live without you? Are you hoping it'll make him suddenly realise that he lurves you? Of course you do. You're living in dillusional romantic fantasy that's in your head. If you're serious then you'd cut him off without a second glance.

I also wonder how often you actually saw him? A husband, very young children and you work.... You can't have had that much spare time to see him???

Original poster
Charliec12 · 18/05/2022 20:54

girlmom21 · 18/05/2022 20:20

How rude my kids know nothing about me leaving the house thank you :)

Utter nonsense.

Nope not at all I leave the house to see my friends why would my kids know what I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Charliec12 · 18/05/2022 20:56

KettrickenSmiled · 18/05/2022 20:33

How rude my kids know nothing about me leaving the house thank you :)
😂😂😂😂

How on earth do they not notice - are they locked in the coal cellar?

Seriously OP, have a word with yourself.
"How very dare you insult me, I take care to CONCEAL my grubby affairs with violent twats & work supervisors from my kids!"

If you put half the energy you put into 'helping' men into genuinely, caringly helping yourself - by getting into therapy for your self-esteem issues & swearing off men for 2 years - you will be able to look back at this sad & confusing time of your life with horror for how badly you were treating yourself.

I am sorry that this is coming over as harsh but please take it as 'tough love' & start applying it to yourself - you & your kids deserve better than this OP.
Get yourself some help.

Thanks I like having it told to me how it is :)

OP posts:
Original poster
Charliec12 · 18/05/2022 20:57

forumdonkey · 18/05/2022 20:48

Omg this is a depressing read for so many reasons.

You don't need to phone him to tell him you're finished. Why do you want to? Are you hoping he'll be sorry, tell you that he loves and can't live without you? Are you hoping it'll make him suddenly realise that he lurves you? Of course you do. You're living in dillusional romantic fantasy that's in your head. If you're serious then you'd cut him off without a second glance.

I also wonder how often you actually saw him? A husband, very young children and you work.... You can't have had that much spare time to see him???

Hardly ever sometimes every 3 weeks, slept with him twice in 9 months when I was not with hubbie

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 18/05/2022 20:58

Have you blocked him now then OP? Honestly?

Aquamarine1029 · 18/05/2022 21:01

Charliec12 · 18/05/2022 17:38

Try being me :(

Show quote history

ALL of this is your own doing. Being "you" is not something that has just happened. Everything you're dealing with are the consequences of the horrible choices you have made. Start making better choices and you won't have this bullshit in your life.

AlternativePerspective · 18/05/2022 21:09

Well, why shouldn’t the husband make things difficult.

It’s the OP who is cheating on him, ad “we’re together for the kids” is the classic script cheaters use to justify their shagging around.

The husband is the victim in all of this as are the kids.

CanofCant · 18/05/2022 21:14

Oh yeah I agree, from what I've read, in OP's post 2020/21? she was upset that her senior colleague was pulling back from their emotional affair due to her being pregnant. She said in that thread that her husband was nice and treated her well, but that she felt no spark between them. I'm unsure if that is still the case but reading between the lines he is unaware that they are 'on off'.

forumdonkey · 18/05/2022 21:15

Charliec12 · 18/05/2022 20:57

Hardly ever sometimes every 3 weeks, slept with him twice in 9 months when I was not with hubbie

Show quote history

So count up the time you've actually spent with him and it's hardly anything and be honest, you hardly know him. Compare that with the difference and time you spend with someone in a real relationship and he's virtually a stranger.

Raise your standards. Would you really want your children to be living with an angry coke head? Let's be real, you're heartbroken because you wanted a proper relationship with him.

girlmom21 · 18/05/2022 21:18

So they do know about you leaving the house? And they'll know when you stay out much later than you normally would and when you come back with a spring in your step because you've had a shit shag. They'll know sometimes you're all over their dad and sometimes you ignore him. This isn't healthy for them regardless of what you tell yourself.

Hawkins001 · 18/05/2022 21:34

Charliec12 · 18/05/2022 06:50

They have been good friends for years and he claims and she claims they are just best friends but her ex has not been able to deal with it. I am not sure why the guy I was seeing kept going round there when he knew her ex didn’t like it

Mainly because it's not up to the person's partner to dictate who they can or can not see, otherwise that's controlling behaviour.

So it's up to your partner's ex, to choose, and not the ex,s partner.

Original poster
Charliec12 · 18/05/2022 22:17

forumdonkey · 18/05/2022 21:15

So count up the time you've actually spent with him and it's hardly anything and be honest, you hardly know him. Compare that with the difference and time you spend with someone in a real relationship and he's virtually a stranger.

Raise your standards. Would you really want your children to be living with an angry coke head? Let's be real, you're heartbroken because you wanted a proper relationship with him.

Show quote history

Agreed yes I thought I could change him but the more I knew about him the more I found horrifying. Sat night we had a kiss, exchanged a few nice messages then the next day I found out he was goading that guy by saying he had slept with his ex then he was curt with me Monday morning and has not acknowledged me since. I wish I had known he was ok coke when I started getting to know him :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Charliec12 · 18/05/2022 22:27

CanofCant · 18/05/2022 21:14

Oh yeah I agree, from what I've read, in OP's post 2020/21? she was upset that her senior colleague was pulling back from their emotional affair due to her being pregnant. She said in that thread that her husband was nice and treated her well, but that she felt no spark between them. I'm unsure if that is still the case but reading between the lines he is unaware that they are 'on off'.

He is aware yes we split up and get back together but that often happens when we have been drinking and the kids are not there which is rare but when you drink true feelings come out

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 18/05/2022 22:39

You blocked him then OP?