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Original poster

Weed - deal breaker?

192 replies

LooseGoose22 · 15/05/2022 00:30

Would smoking weed be a deal breaker for you in a potential partner?

Seems like nice guy in many ways, he is self employed, appears to do plenty of housework, cooking, works around the house, seems to do a lot with/for his kids etc. ..... but found out he smokes weed on a regular basis (he was open about it).

Says he feels he needs it to be chilled, chatty, upbeat etc.
Says he would be a different person without it (in a bad way).
Says other ways of taking Marijuana do not work for him/are just not for him.

My usual approach would be; no fkg way.
I shouldn't be questioning that, should I?

OP posts:
Lanareyrey · 15/05/2022 05:55

For me yes it is, know too many people with mental health issues that have resulted from weed usage.

Starseeking · 15/05/2022 06:35

As you state in your OP, "no fkg way". Stick with it.

Snoken · 15/05/2022 06:38

I would never choose an addict, regardless of their drug of choice. It just comes with all sorts of problems that I would rather live without. There are plenty of people out there who are not addicts, so it's not like you have to choose between a drunk or a stoner. Just put your bar up and filter those types of people out. You can be friends if you like him, but don't invest any more than that.

Also, can't stand that smell of sour, sweaty old socks that comes from weed smoking and the yellow stained teeth.

WindyKnickers · 15/05/2022 06:50

I don't mind a bit of weed here and there but I would date someone who was dependent on it. Sounds like he's using it as a crutch, which I would quickly get fed up with. I'd also find it hard to justify to my children or my parents when introducing them: "Meet Danny, don't mid him he just doesn't like to interact unless he's stoned".

Tamzo85 · 15/05/2022 06:52

I’ve been smoking it regular since the early 80’s and have managed to give birth to and raise 6 healthy and happy children during that time. Husband too and he managed to build and hold down a highly successful career. I think it helps with stress and kicks you into “relax” mode of an evening.

Of course in the 80’s and 90’s everyone smoked so it was way more acceptable to just light up inside your house whatever it was. It has to be in cigarette form though, bongs are for Bums.

Paq · 15/05/2022 07:04

Any addiction is bad. To the addict, their drug of choice comes first. Before family, friends, lovers, spouses, children, pets, work etc. No one wants to be second best to a drug.

SD1978 · 15/05/2022 07:11

Yes it's a complete no for me. Been there, done that and it didn't work out. For me I can't support someone who regularly smokes drugs, as there is a refusal to accept that it does affect you amongst some regular smokers. I would never, ever, go there again, despite how much I liked someone

Strawberrydelight55 · 15/05/2022 07:18

No it wouldn't be. But i have just become newly single after wasting my time on a man who does smoke it. He was abusive and a messed up man..not because of the weed. In terms of the weed it was irresponsible of him in terms of he was not paying bills and rent on time, but could afford around £50 a week for it and another £45 a week tobacco habit.

I find people from all walks of life smoke it. But it depends on their friendships too..who do they mix with? Are they acting like a manchild? Or are they still good at functioning like a sensible adult. My ex was 48 and he had 2 friendship where one was 18 and was heading down the wrong road and the other was an.ex heroin user. He met these men through buying weed..

Plus it stinks. I was washing my coat every weekend

ItsSnowJokes · 15/05/2022 07:19

It would be a no from me, as I can't stand the smell and just feel people who smoke weed regularly are wasters. I wouldn't want to date someone who's a waster.

But then I don't drink alcohol either so maybe I'm really boring.

RustyShackleford3 · 15/05/2022 07:26

It would potentially be a deal-breaker for me, depending on how "regular" it is. If he means he smokes it a couple of times a week, and he does so outside, then that would probably be ok. If he means he's smoking it every single day, and doing it inside his home, then that would be a hard no from me. Smoking absolutely stinks. I haven't smoked in over 10 years so the smell would really bother me. I suppose if you don't live together then it might not be as bad, but surely his clothes/hair stink of smoke and then that would make your bedsheets, sofa, car etc smell.

The actual weed use wouldn't bother me at all, if he was vaping or using edibles. I know that some people do become addicted to it and that is very sad, but I know plenty of people who use weed in the same way that someone else might have a glass of wine a few nights a week. I just can't get worked up about it.

You know him and you like him, and he sounds like he's getting along just fine in life, so it's hard to argue that his weed use is a problem.

Calmdown14 · 15/05/2022 07:39

One consideration, do you like to travel?

If the answer to this is yes and that's something you expect to do with a partner, this is not the man for you.
Imagine the stress that he has to acquire some wherever you are.

I've been with a person like this. It didn't affect his functioning as a human being particularly but life ends up revolving around it.
Family parties and you know he's itching to get outside.

It might calm him but brings a whole set of stress for you

Fairislefandango · 15/05/2022 07:45

Erring on the higher side, it seems like most nights.

Deal breaker then, imo.

Much rather a stoner than a drunk!!

What a choice. How about neither?!

Eesha · 15/05/2022 07:50

I've had two partners who regularly smoked weed now. 1 just floated along in life. The other was ND aspergers and felt he needed it. Both lovely souls but part of me feels these souls can't engage well in real life ie when you need support

Eesha · 15/05/2022 07:52

I should add another major ex was an alcoholic. Weed was far better but at present, I wouldn't like either

seensome · 15/05/2022 07:52

Deal breaker, I don't like the smell, I wouldn't want them around my children.
When I have dated men that smoked weed they were nasty men.

allboysherebutme · 15/05/2022 07:53

Deal breaker for me can't stand the stuff it smells awful, any sort of drugs or excessive drinking would be a no no for me. X

allboysherebutme · 15/05/2022 07:55

Run as fast as you can. X

CoreyTaylorsbiggestfan · 15/05/2022 08:28

All these comments re smoking weed is better than being with a drunk! I would rather neither.
It stinks to start with, he's telling you these traumatic events that he had in his youth and that he would be a different person without it. It sounds like he's not dealing with his issues and smoking weed to deal with it.
In my line of work I've saw this a lot with drugs and alcohol it's not a healthy way to be and I wouldn't knowingly enter a relationship with these issues

Daleksatemyshed · 15/05/2022 08:35

If you want a fun friend then maybe but long term, no Op, don't go there. He's self employed and already has DC so this could get very complicated. If a man told you he needed to drink everyday to be a nicer person, would you date him?

LostAndLonely2022 · 15/05/2022 08:45

OP a word of caution:

My ExH was an habitual weed smoker. When we met he was the life and soul of the party, everyone loved him, smoking weed was a non-event. He said similar things to what you've quoted, it helped him feel chilled and calm. Fast forward 4 years and we were married and my son was due. I said that the smoking needed to stop as we'd have a new born and I'd need his support. Let's just say I saw the reason it made him feel chilled (sounds ridiculous now) and it wasn't pretty. There was another very ugly 4 years and we divorced acrimoniously. Obviously we didn't divorce due to weed but I can 100% say that I didn't see the real person until he stopped smoking weed.

Alcemeg · 15/05/2022 08:46

I'm not a stoner myself, but have known plenty over the years.

Potential problems with regular weed smokers:
(1) They go a bit bonkers -- seems to trigger latent paranoid psychosis in people who are prone to it.
(2) They can be lazy and unfocused -- happy to dream about what they want from life, without actually doing anything towards it.

It sounds as though none of the above apply in his case, so I wouldn't judge his "relax and unwind" drug any more than you would a glass of wine.

Try sharing a spliff with him and see what you think?

Alcemeg · 15/05/2022 08:56

LostAndLonely2022 · 15/05/2022 08:45

OP a word of caution:

My ExH was an habitual weed smoker. When we met he was the life and soul of the party, everyone loved him, smoking weed was a non-event. He said similar things to what you've quoted, it helped him feel chilled and calm. Fast forward 4 years and we were married and my son was due. I said that the smoking needed to stop as we'd have a new born and I'd need his support. Let's just say I saw the reason it made him feel chilled (sounds ridiculous now) and it wasn't pretty. There was another very ugly 4 years and we divorced acrimoniously. Obviously we didn't divorce due to weed but I can 100% say that I didn't see the real person until he stopped smoking weed.

I just saw this as I posted. I'm sorry you had that experience, @LostAndLonely2022. My DH is the opposite: he gave up, and didn't change at all – he's naturally a mellow, kind person. I don't think everyone who smokes weed is self-medicating a nasty personality. It can just be a fun thing to do, reducing social anxiety, even giving you new perspectives on life and your place in it.

OP one thing I'd be interested in is how he sources it. He won't tell you, and shouldn't, but a rough idea would be interesting. There is such a spectrum, from the chav who grinds reflective material from road signs into it to imitate crystals, to the retired postman who grows it hydroponically in his garage 😎

layladomino · 15/05/2022 08:57

Definitely a dealbreaker. I would avoid getting in to a relationship with anyone who showed signs of any sort of addiction (and regular smoking /needs it to be more relaxed suggest addiction or could well become addiction).

Because there are a raft of problems that come with any addiction, different of course depending on what the addiction is, but summarised by the fact that the addiction will be more important than you, your relationship or anything else in their life.

Even if he isn't addicted and could somehow guarantee he won't become addicted (which he can't) I still wouldn't want to be with someone using an illegal drug to self-medicate. If he honestly has worries about his mood then he should (IMO) see a GP and get supported help. Not risk (and spend money on) an illegal, anti-social drug that feeds the pockets of some pretty nasty criminals.

etulosba · 15/05/2022 09:05

Having lived with weed smokers, a stinky weed smelling house would put me off.

AWeekinJanuary · 15/05/2022 09:05

DariaMorgendorffer · 15/05/2022 01:50

'Needs it' = a deal breaker for me. Weed, alcoholic anything.

This. Comments about it being better than booze are meaningless, because dating a heavy weed smoker or a heavy drinker are not the only options and besides. Habits (which smoking or drinking every day is) in all forms are shit.

My ex smoked two to four cigarettes (not weed) each night. You couldn’t have a more minor habit, but when he couldn’t have them for whatever reason he’d get weird and desperate, eyes glazed over, focused on only rooting out an option for sourcing his ciggies. Also, because of when he smoked them the smoke would be in his hair when he was in bed. Absolutely nothing I could say or do could stop him, even when I had a cold and my asthma was bad - at those times his cigarette-y hair made things much worse.

There is no way I’d entertain a partner who was a habitual user of anything these days. Makes people selfish and boring and the gotta-have-it focus is deeply unattractive.

That’s without getting into the specific issues around weed such as the god-awful smell, not knowing what’s in it, links to serious crime and the - for me - depressing associations (say weed and my mind immediately conjures up images of grimy bongs in student houses, teenagers fiddling with grinders at the bus stop and furtive exchanges in cars).