Weed - deal breaker?

[LooseGoose22]

Would smoking weed be a deal breaker for you in a potential partner?

Seems like nice guy in many ways, he is self employed, appears to do plenty of housework, cooking, works around the house, seems to do a lot with/for his kids etc. ..... but found out he smokes weed on a regular basis (he was open about it).

Says he feels he needs it to be chilled, chatty, upbeat etc.
Says he would be a different person without it (in a bad way).
Says other ways of taking Marijuana do not work for him/are just not for him.

My usual approach would be; no fkg way.
I shouldn't be questioning that, should I?

You won't know if its keeping him on an a chilled even keel, until you spend enough time with him to notice any difference in his demeanour when he goes without.

Much rather a stoner than a drunk!!

Micro-dosing is brilliant for all sorts of anxiety and depression disorders.

Says he would be a different person without it (in a bad way).

That's a serious psychological addiction. No ta.

They were pretty rubbish relationships in hindsight, but the issues linked to the weed were:

• how much it cost / how much they spent on it / then expecting to borrow money to pay for it after they had spent all of their own / money was never prioritised for anything else
• some dealers etc also sell other illegal products / more likely to get drawn into crime / be victim of crime (I know that sounds a bit dramatic, but I was around much more dubious characters as a result and did witness some violence etc to do with drug debts)
• nothing else is ever as important as the weed / not respecting boundaries
• mental health issues
• generally lower aspirations (possibly seen as lazy)
• if he grows his own it’s a pain, smells awful, takes up space, time and effort, and never makes the money that they claim it will.
• moody / miserable when it’s not a available or even usage is restricted
• smells horrible

…and this might be a bit specific, but the ex-s I had that smoked weed never seemed to progress from being immature teenagers. Their own relaxation and enjoyment was their only concern, they lacked any motivation or ambition, and were eventually quite dull, because they didn’t really want to do anything other than “chill out with a spliff”.

Also (if you have children), consider if it is an example that you want to set for them. Are you happy for them to be around an illegal product, are you trying to convince them to follow some rules, but suggesting that some laws are ok to ignore? Would you risk your own / your child’s safety getting in a car driven by someone under the influence?

Makes sense, he smokes to medicate his pain. I used to get high everyday to medicate my pain too. If you really see a future with him, consider gently introducing the topic of getting a psychotherapist to help underlying trauma.

The weed is just a symptom, it could be anything like alcohol, porn, gambling, shopping, food hard drugs etc etc

Definitely not a deal breaker

Much better than alcohol

I know quite a few people here have said something along the lines of ‘better a stoner than a drunk’, but honestly you don’t need to put up with either. Not tolerating weed doesn’t mean that you need to tolerate someone with a different addiction / problem.

Deal breaker for me I’m afraid. I wouldn’t date a drug user or an addict.

'Needs it' = a deal breaker for me. Weed, alcoholic anything.

it would be a no from me. I know quite a few people that smoke weed daily (some family) they all have an excuse (better than drinking, helps me sleep/chill). Each one of them has mental health issues of varying degrees and 1 prioritises smoking it over basic needs for them and their children (often has no electric/gas for 24hours).

Have gone out with a few pot heads in my time. Good for entertainment but not much else. One even admitted the regular use had messed up his head. He was mid 20s at the time.

It reeks. I can smell people who use it on public transport.

For me being a pot head puts you in short term relationship status. It's not going to last but is good to fill in the time.

One word: yes.
But it's better than alcohol, gambling or porn.
I'm fussy, and have high standards.

Deal breaker for me. Too many ex's who smoked it regularly and it just caused problem after problem.
Whilst I wouldn't object to occasional use, a regular user is a no from me, and that would go for booze, porn or gambling too.

Only you can make that decision though, what does your gut feeling tell you?

This would be deal breaker for me. There are lots more men who don't smoke marijuana. It's hardly a plus is it? To be totally upfront I'd be worried about lung cancer as well as the illegal aspects of it.

Not a deal breaker for me. My DF smokes everyday, using a vape pen, to help with anxiety and keep him on an even keel. He doesn't get stoned or high. I live in a place where weed is completely legal so we just have a different attitude to it.

OP stick to your usual stance and I say this as someone with a couple of ex’s who smoked weed. I ignored my own rule of no weed smokers after the first one for many of the same reasons you gave in your first post but when the relationship ended I was more annoyed at myself for not sticking to my guns and ending things when he first told me about his habit. It’s always worse than they say and it always takes up a significant amount of time - getting it, smoking it and then what happens if his dealer can’t get it, what happens if ye go abroad etc.

If it’s a no in your book then don’t amend you own boundaries for anyone.

The drug of choice isn't as important as the underlying addiction.

Deal breaker for me. No way!

ExDH was a daily smoker. I started out open minded and didn't mind partaking some myself. At first it seemed like a relatively harmless way to chill but it became a major source of contention between us. Why? Because although he wasn't in la la land, smoking made him distant and self absorbed. It enabled him to avoid dealing with his underlying MH issues. He spent hundreds of pounds a month on it. We had kids and I was always nervous he shouldn't be driving with them. And it made him stink.

So I would say unless you are into it as well, best to avoid.

Yeah, no thanks. I find it absolutely stinks, even if people smoke outside. Such an unpleasant smell that you then take with you too, and others can smell it. I also find it makes people rather self-absorbed, but of course they don't see it themselves (and they often hang out in circles where others smoke so it's not that noticeable). Pain may be one thing, but some of my friends have openly confessed to trying to deal with depression, feeling down, etc with weed. All unsuccessfully and without addressing the root cause.

Some previous posters saying 'rather a stoner than an alcoholic' - well, who's saying you have to put up with either!

It’s entirely up to you and your values.

I wouldn’t date a weed smoker, or anyone who ‘needed’ a substance regularly to be social or feel happy etc (including someone who drinks more than now and then).

it just doesn’t line up with how I live my life, my interests and values etc.

"Its fine, unless he can't score for what ever reason. The fun, chilled out guy you know may disappear quite rapidly. "

It's a no from me. It stinks, it's expensive, the supply chain often includes human trafficking which people conveniently forget because it's " just a spliff." The people I know who use it on an every day basis are, as a PP said, tediously self absorbed, not what you'd call rigorous thinkers and absolutely are self medicating and managing MH issues. There's also in my experience a huge overlap with paranoia as a result, which is why stoners seem to enjoy conspiracy theories so much.

Deal breaker.
I would never allow anyone who uses recreational drugs or habitually drinks alcohol into my life again.