Full of himself DH

[blueagain]

I’m really struggling in my long marriage and could use some advice please. I’m starting to really dislike him. He’s in “instructor” mode or “dominator” mode constantly. All I hear all day long is his voice instructing/teaching/preaching. It’s like living in a lecture hall. He’s incredibly intelligent but he dominates everything. His hobbies rule, his voice, his personality. There’s no space for me and I’m drowning. I’m exhausted by it and it’s really impacting my self esteem and self confidence. He works hard and does lots but I’m just sick of it all always being about him. He knows everything about everything. Everything. Talk about tennis, he knows it all. Talk about clouds, here comes the ultimate information about how clouds are formed and on and on…it’s like I’m invisible and it’s impossible to compete. He never asks me about me. He’s not interested in hanging out with me doing something mundane. It’s got to be him imparting his wisdom all the time. Has anyone else got this? I’m not sure he always used to be this bad but since we’ve had kids he’s gone into overdrive and it feels like a constant competition. Why can’t the weekends just be slobbing around having a bbq. It’s like he’s got to teach constantly. I don’t know how to overcome this or if it’s normal?

This isn’t normal. Have you told him what he’s doing and how it makes you feel?

Tell him what a bore he's become

Is he a teacher?

He’s not a teacher. Is this in anyway normal? I’m exhausted listening to his voice. Me me me…listen to all that I know. There’s no engagement with me and my wants/needs at all.

Is this arrogance? What is this behaviour?

Oh gosh those people are annoying 🙄 a guy I dated literally explaining how to plumb in a toilet to a plumber everyone else looking at him like 🤔 the plumber had thirty years plus experience 😳

Try talking to him hopefully he won't explain your feelings to you

You need to tell him! Next time he starts say "for gods sake roger, your turning into a right bore - do some listening and
Engaging with the other person in the conversation otherwise it just feels like your taking a shit in my ears"!

Seriously, tell him

I hear you, and completely understand when you say how much of an impact it is having on your self-esteem.
Have you felt able to raise this with him at all?

Ah I can’t tell him. Tried that. He goes into full on little boy sulk. Any discussion that makes him feel in anyway uncomfortable is “ruining his day” how dare I?

So have you told him to stfu? Because I would have many many times.

I’ve raised it and get told he’s living his life and if I don’t like it then I’m free to move out

I was hoping that he might be a teacher just struggling to shift from work to home mode. Instead, he’s just a total bore. How exhausting for you, OP. What do the DC make of this behaviour?

Wow. Rude.

So do that then because he sounds utterly grim and a complete arse. Why stay married to such a prick?

Just read that you've tried. Poor him. Let him sulk.

I would really hate you. Not only does he not show any interest in you, you have to listen to him banging on all the time.

What's he like with your children? Does he pay any attention to their needs?

What's he like if a friend calls round? Does he do the same to them?

I knew one man who was very much like this and he would only shut up if someone he felt was superior to him was talking (very few people came into that category.) Even then he would only shut up long enough to let them speak, then would carry on telling everyone what was what.

No of course it's not normal! And yes, you are free to move out. That sounds infinitely preferable to staying with this insufferable man.

Oh I know what I'd say to that!

So I guess he's told you what the score is then. it's a real shame he doesn't wa t to do any work to keep you but at least he's told you that.

I guess that just leaves you with 2 obvious options. I'm sorry.

"Such an arse" that should have said!

So sorry, I meant I would really hate THAT, not I would really hate YOU!

OP well then, why would you want to be married to someone who clearly doesn't GAF about staying married to you!

I'm not saying walk out today or anything, but, life is short, you could have a lovely boyfriend who may be delighted to, er, "share information", but will then catch himself and say, "oops, I'm going on again, sorry folks!" and stop.

We’ve been together a long time and I don’t really have any other life outside of my marriage and at my age no idea how to get one. I’ve lost my confidence and I’m debilitated.

I’m too old for boyfriends sadly

@blueagain that is awful. Can you move out?!
I do have a close family member who is a bit like this. He's a bit bewildered that other people don't seem to love his thoughts / ways of doing things as much as he does, he is very self-confident and has lots of ideas, but is willing to pipe down a bit if told - also he is caring so will ask other people how they are and listen to the answer / do things a bit differently.

If you can't ignore this (and I don't mean ignore and be unhappy and stew about it, I mean genuinely ignore and do your own thing and be happy in yourself) then things have to change.