Full of himself DH

[blueagain]

I’m really struggling in my long marriage and could use some advice please. I’m starting to really dislike him. He’s in “instructor” mode or “dominator” mode constantly. All I hear all day long is his voice instructing/teaching/preaching. It’s like living in a lecture hall. He’s incredibly intelligent but he dominates everything. His hobbies rule, his voice, his personality. There’s no space for me and I’m drowning. I’m exhausted by it and it’s really impacting my self esteem and self confidence. He works hard and does lots but I’m just sick of it all always being about him. He knows everything about everything. Everything. Talk about tennis, he knows it all. Talk about clouds, here comes the ultimate information about how clouds are formed and on and on…it’s like I’m invisible and it’s impossible to compete. He never asks me about me. He’s not interested in hanging out with me doing something mundane. It’s got to be him imparting his wisdom all the time. Has anyone else got this? I’m not sure he always used to be this bad but since we’ve had kids he’s gone into overdrive and it feels like a constant competition. Why can’t the weekends just be slobbing around having a bbq. It’s like he’s got to teach constantly. I don’t know how to overcome this or if it’s normal?

Btw I have a "similar but not the same" issue in that to my great surprise, my DH who is generally, kind, helpful, humble, knowledgeable, and has a good sense of humour, has, I'm afraid to say, become just a wee bit arrogant in his late fifties and sixties. It's come as such a shock tbh as he hates arrogant twats generally and he's not too bad, but it's as chisanunian says, he is used to being the boss in a profession with a lot of big egos, and sadly it rubs off occasionally and he brings it home. I soon set him right though 😁

My response to that would be to do just that, leave. But I realise that this isn't always easy, practically or emotionally.

I think I'd spend as much time as possible in another room from him. If you have a spare bedroom, set it up as a separate lounge, with a tv etc. Every time he starts lecturing, get up and walk into another room. Get headphones and listen to music or podcasts on your phone.

I lived a separate life from my ex for 5 years before we finally split up. It was far from ideal, but it was better than being constantly harangued and shouted at by him. Mind you, I used to and visit friends and stay with them at weekends for the last couple of years.

And start building a bit of a social life for yourself, so you have contact with people outside the home.

He sounds utterly vile, and if he thinks you're ruining his day, explain (when you can get a word in edgeways) that he's ruining your life. Text it to him if he won't listen!

Op I recall your thread from last week when you wrote

if you are married/in a long term relationship what are you and your OH doing today? How much time have you spent together today and what are your normal weekends like? My OH of more than a decade spends no time with me. Squirrels himself away in his man cave and makes no effort to engage me during the days at all. I can engage him sometimes in things but I’m tired of doing that. It would be good to feel wanted. Is it normal in that length of relationship for the man to not be interested in spending time with his partner?

why do you WANT to spend time with him?

OP, how old are you? How long have you been together? You haven’t mentioned these points and I think it would be useful so people can offer more specific advice.

Regardless of details, I’d walk away from him each and every time he starts to bore on. He sounds like an arse and you need to put a lot of space between you and him. Just go to a different room, check plants in the garden or, if he follows go to the bathroom.

If leaving him really isn’t an option you need to build a big life away from him. Get some hobbies, reconnect with old friends, volunteer.

He sounds insufferable so for your sanity, step away from him.

Incredibly rude. He just doesn't give a shit about you, does he? How sad.

Maybe you should take him up on it and go live your life.

DS19 does this all the time. He does know a lot about most things but even if he doesn’t he lectures anyway! He’s on the spectrum. I wouldn’t fancy being married to him….I’m useless, old, ugly and my face looks like it’s made of wax😆. Luckily I’m quite confident so I just laugh! Nothing I say is of any significance and is contradicted, using scientific peer-reviewed evidence!

Disclaimer: I know not everyone on the spectrum does this!

You need to build your confidence back up, find a life. Start doing things for you, carve out some me-time for a hobby (I’m trying to crochet and I want to try roller skating again) or to do something nice for yourself. Start to tune him out, offer up a vague “yes dear, that’s nice dear” when he talks at you. But don’t engage.

Once you’ve found your self and space, if you feel you want to, you can leave (or tell him to leave if you have DC to consider). I do understand that starting over is hard, but this half-life isn’t working for you.

You may meet someone else in due course but for now concentrate on yourself and your DC.

I'm basically married to your DH (or someone very similar) and I am divorcing him. I cannot stand the constant nagging and superiority that he knows best about everything. For example, if I come to him with a problem I'm having, instead of helping me explore the solutions/ validate my feelings, he will list all the ways in which he would never have got into that situation in the first place because he would have done xyz etc. It makes me feel like absolute shit and that my own partner hasnt got my back so jog on- let him be superior on his own. Then he hasnt got anyone to compare to his absolute perfection then has he? urgh. So much better men out there OP!

I have a few relatives like this. I think for them it’s genetic. I ignore and don’t engage but I’m not married to any of them. Have you tried the unsubtle, no one likes a know it all ?
blunt will be the only way to go

Me too! I’m done with relationships because after a while I just get so sick of all the crap that a man (and I really like men so not man bashing as such) dumps on you with their bad behaviour. I’m a ‘Boomer’, not in a relationship (by choice) and love it. I have my grown children, my dog and my friends and the feeling of no longer being ‘trapped’ in a toxic or unhappy domestic situation is absolutely priceless. I have no intention of ever living with anyone ever again. Don’t be afraid to be single OP it is freedom at its best.

Yes this, and perfectly put! Mine are teens, but apart from that I could have written this. I fancy men and maybe one day I’ll have a fling or FWB but not being in a relationship is brilliant. My ex was/is a self-aggrandising, pontificating arse as well, among various other issues. It’s been 6 years since I left and I still feel an overwhelming sense of relief and freedom that I’m single!

OP there’s so much going on out there, things to join, things to try, places to go. You could do as much or as little of that as you like, you don’t have to date - or if you do want to that’s an option too. But you’d be free of this man who has told you to your face he doesn’t care about how you feel and is a miserable pain in the arse to be around. The rest of your life could be an adventure instead of sitting around listening to lectures and feeling unloved.

Only you can make the decision to leave but do consider it.

@Booboobibles

DS19 does this all the time. He does know a lot about most things but even if he doesn’t he lectures anyway!

he doesn’t, he really doesn’t!

DH has a small tendency towards this. I have told him though that I don't like to be 'solutioned' and since I have 30 years of experience, am invited to speak at conferences and am generally considered an expert, maybe he can't (in 5 minutes) come up with a solution I haven't thought of.

He is much better now and catches himself. That's the difference between a normal, nice man and an arsehole. If he told me to leave if I didn't like it, I'd leave. None of us are perfect (I'm really really not), but some of us try for our partner.

Sounds like histrionic personality disorder.

Or maybe he just an arsehole. Not every behaviour needs a psychiatric label

OP, he has suggested you move out?

Your relationship is effectively over.

How are you going to manage it?

Look at creating your own space, moving into your own room would be a start.

I wouldn't be expecting him to change.

What age are your children and do you work?

Yes and these labels don’t excuse not giving a crap about how your partner feels and telling them so. There’s an unfortunate move towards “I have xyz disorder/mh issue/neurodiversity so that explains my behaviour and you have to lump it.” No you don’t, certainly not in a partner, especially if they are also making clear that they have no concern for you at all. Having a label - and many of these labels are the result of passing fashions in psychology and society which change over time anyway - doesn’t mean you have a free pass to be an arsehole.

If this is for real and he actually said this - I would pack a bag, take the kids and animals and more out and go and start divorce proceedings.

I would actually recording him saying the following
‘x can we talk about our recent conversations as I don’t feel they are conversations but just you ‘teaching me about things I haven’t asked you to do etc’ and it’s very disrespectful that we don’t talk anymore that you just talk at me ….. record his answer & your questions etc

ask him what he gains from your company etc and your conversations - again record

ask him what he wants out of a mutually respectful marriage record

then listen to the answers

If you really wanted one last shot, you could try a letter.

Make sure you point out that his usual reaction to criticism of sulking is immature and merely underlines your point: a discussion about what you want and feel, ends up being about him and what's he's feeling.

At the end of it you can say you won't engage in arguments or discussion about this. He can press the reset button. He can adjust his behaviour, to show curiosity about you , your life and thoughts . He can meet you half way in doing the things you want to do in life some of the time and make an effort to form a partnership.

Or you'll be filing for divorce (but won't be moving out , what kind of mug does he take you for?)

Husband=cunt
Solution=divorce

Sounds absolutely unbearable.
I can't stand people like that. And quite often what they are saying is complete and utter bullshit.
I'd walk away every time he starts. He can sulk if he likes.

mango biscuit has nailed it. If you don’t want to move out, get a counsellor and work on adjusting your care factor for his sulking right down to zero. Get noise canceling headphones, tell him you’re just living your life and need him to stop ruining it, walk off and turn your headphones on to your favourite book/ poetry /music etc and ignore him. Ideally he moves out, you have no chance of the companionship you want with him so best solution is he moves out.

@blueagain Just so you know, my late father had an active and exciting romantic life into his eighties. He dated in his own age range, and as far as I can tell was respectful.

OP, you are never too old for boyfriends!

I think a boyfriend would be a whole lot more fun than this bore of a man.

If you are describing yourself as "too old", I'm guessing you have no DC at home - in which case you can quite happily move out and create a lovely, fully life for yourself without having to put up with someone who is not only a dull know-all but who is also extremely rude to you.

He won’t change OP. If you stay, this is your life. There is nothing anyone here can say to change that.

i don’t know how old you are, but you are never to old for a boyfriend. I heard an 89 year talk about how him and his 80 something girlfriend were emigrating to Australia! He said, I know people think at our age that we are together for companionship, but no, we fell in love.

I think you need to start by working on the belief that you have no life outside the relationship and the lack of self esteem. You are able to build up a life outside this, and slowly start to build esteem. If you can afford it, a good solutions focused counselor may help. I spoke recently with a woman who is setting herself up as a Coach for women, including those who have had no life outside of their relationship and now want to build a life.