Full of himself DH

[blueagain]

I’m really struggling in my long marriage and could use some advice please. I’m starting to really dislike him. He’s in “instructor” mode or “dominator” mode constantly. All I hear all day long is his voice instructing/teaching/preaching. It’s like living in a lecture hall. He’s incredibly intelligent but he dominates everything. His hobbies rule, his voice, his personality. There’s no space for me and I’m drowning. I’m exhausted by it and it’s really impacting my self esteem and self confidence. He works hard and does lots but I’m just sick of it all always being about him. He knows everything about everything. Everything. Talk about tennis, he knows it all. Talk about clouds, here comes the ultimate information about how clouds are formed and on and on…it’s like I’m invisible and it’s impossible to compete. He never asks me about me. He’s not interested in hanging out with me doing something mundane. It’s got to be him imparting his wisdom all the time. Has anyone else got this? I’m not sure he always used to be this bad but since we’ve had kids he’s gone into overdrive and it feels like a constant competition. Why can’t the weekends just be slobbing around having a bbq. It’s like he’s got to teach constantly. I don’t know how to overcome this or if it’s normal?

"You’re absolutely right but if OP feels trapped some specialist therapists can often give helpful advice on how to communicate in a style less likely to induce a sulk or nasty retort".

Abuse though is not about communication or a perceived lack of; its about power and control. OPs DH here is the Dominator and thinks he is right all the time. He sounds like your common or garden abuser rather than someone on the spectrum (and why on why does that come up seemingly every single time abusive treatment is cited?). His silent and or sulking treatment towards you on calling him out is really another form of emotional abuse. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none and OP should not act either as some sort of rehab centre for her badly raised man.

And OP you are not too old to have a boyfriend, whatever gave you that idea?.

Can you not just ask him to be quiet and let you get on with watching the programme/gardening/reading/cooking tea/listening to music/whatever it is. Alternatively, put head phones on and tell him you're learning a language. In fact you COULD actually learn a language, and talk at him in foreign when he starts.

have you ruled out autism

Does it matter if he is autistic, he still has to exist in the relationship.

Even if diagnosed, the answer would not be for OP just to let him get away with these behaviours because he is autistic. I'm autistic and my DH definitely has traits, if not the full package - we both know that other people are not as interested in our special interests as we are and that we are supposed to share. We might not like it but we do know it.

How old are you OP, and how old are your kids?

You can start again at any age, you know.

He is a mansplaining narcissist.

@Mistlewoeandwhine is right. Another technique I’ve heard partners use (sometimes with success, sometimes not) is scheduling set times for monologuing with genuine listening. For example, every day 30 mins at Xpm or 3 x 1hr slots per week. Some spectrum gents have enjoyed the rigidity of the schedule and started collating extra info on their specialist interests ready for their star moment! By giving the reward of genuine listening it can somewhat ameliorate the need to be arrogant at other times.

A male friend of mine went like that as he approached 60 and suddenly started explaining things to me that he knows very well I already know, it was really weird. In the end, I'd hold up a hand, palm out, and say 'Stop. I know this' and he'd go quiet for a bit. One time, an old friend was visiting and we invited the mansplainer round for dinner as they'd met before. Old friend had a habit of saying 'What shall I do?' but generally for no particular reason, it was just a bullshit thing he'd say. Mansplainer then spent about 40 minutes drawing up a life plan for him and only stopped when he realised we were all laughing at him. It was toe curling. Thankfully he moved to another country.

Is this something new OP, or have you just noticed it more?

Anyway, tell him that the Good Lord gave him 2 ears and one mouth, to enable him to do twice as much listening as talking.

If he goes off in a sulk let him carry on - at least he's being quiet !

My MiL is in her 80s and dates. She's on a number of dating apps.

There's no "sadly" about it!

You need to create a life of your own. No one is stopping you.

Listen to him OP. Read this again - If you don't like it you are free to move out.

That's it. Don't expect him to change because he won't. The person who needs to change their behaviour is you. You are the only one who can make this better for yourself.

You can't direct the wind but you can adjust your sails.

This is one of the many reasons I left my ex H. He doesn't converse, just lectures. On and on. I put up with it as long as I could, but when someone shows such little interest in my thoughts and opinions, I just couldn't fake interest in his any longer. He's got various diagnoses which meant I tried to view it empathetically at first, but there's a limit! You have my sympathies OP, it's draining and exhausting unwillingly being signed up to a lecture you have no desire to be in!

I want peace of mind and happiness in my own house.

Exactly the words I told my exh 25 years ago when I told him I couldn't live with him any more.

You haven't said how old you are OP, but if you want those things then they're within your grasp whatever your age.

I'm 73 and have recently bought a lovely house in a new area. I'm making new friends in the area and I love my life.

When I first got divorced 23 years ago I found it very daunting but I also found that peace of mind and happiness in my own house that was lacking before.

You have one life OP don't be made miserable by this man.

He may claim you spoil his day but he's spoiling your life.

Get a life outside of your marriage.
find interests that you can become the expert on.
join all the groups. Volunteer everywhere. be less reliant on him for your happiness etc.

he’s stated outright that he has no interest in compromise or discussing this. He’s heard you and basically said tough shit buttercup. There’s your answer. He doesn’t care about you, your needs or the relationship.

what are you going to do about it.

If you won't / can't leave him then invest in audible and get some headphones.

@ToffeeNotCoffee
your idea is the best and made me laugh out loud!

@blueagain sorry, this sounds a bit like my adult son who has Asperger’s, he doesn’t sulk much when I ask him to shut up. Also he does it more when overtired. I’m his mum so I don’t find him insufferable but he does just monologue if not pulled up on it, it’s like a stream of consciousness leaks from him constantly, plus he looks up anything he doesn’t know and retains all information. I find it exhausting.

Out of interest, what is his social life like, without you op I mean?

Why have you got no life outside of your marriage?
Why are you only asking these questions now? Why didn't you ask yourself this, when you were dating? Why did you marry him?

If you've recently talked to him about this and his natural reaction is to tell you to leave then that really is your only option. He's never going to change is he? He doesn't want to.

👍🤣👍🤣

If you don't have children living at home, maybe divorce and buy a small house by yourself? Of just look into divorcing and arranging g someti g wit( the house

If you don't have children living at home, maybe divorce and buy a small house by yourself? Of just look into divorcing and arranging something with the house

This doesn't sound to me like he is on the autistic spectrum or anything like that. If he was, then he would have been like this through the entirety of the relationship and that doesn't seem to be the case.

To me it seems far more likely that he is now a Big Important Boss Person at work who knows everything and his subordinates jump when he says jump. It appears that he is now bringing this insufferable 'Great I Am' personality home with him and inflicting it on his family.

Sorry the reason I ask is my theory is that a lot of people (men and women but certainly a lot of men in their late fifties, sixties and seventies) become like this because they don't mix regularly with a good variety of their contemporaries (like you are forced to at school and work) and so don't get "their corners knocked off". If you only mix with your spouse or a few friends who never challenge you, then you can get stuck in less than attractive habits!

I know couples like this who "like their own company" and they become a bit insular and repetitive in their conversation. And of course as people age, they are not meeting new people or having as many new experiences, so they drone on about the old ones, or solely about what they already know.

I am not underestimating how dismal it must be living with someone like this, but I think men in particular suffer from "I am my job" syndrome and when they retire, or travel less, they suffer from a loss of self esteem as some don't know who they are any more, or have managed to escape domesticity all their lives, and rely on "past glories" or acquired experience to boost their own self esteem. So surprisingly, your DH, despite behaving in a boorish manner, may be lacking in self esteem.

If leaving isn't an option op, then I would encourage your DH to go out and get a new hobby and meet more people and you do the same! I hear you about lack of confidence and poor health but there is always a way to expand horizons even if it's locally or starting an on-line course. Good luck!

How old are you, him and your kids?

im a single parent
I love my life
your life seems like one of a grey existence to me. Anything must be better.

do you work?