Full of himself DH

[blueagain]

I’m really struggling in my long marriage and could use some advice please. I’m starting to really dislike him. He’s in “instructor” mode or “dominator” mode constantly. All I hear all day long is his voice instructing/teaching/preaching. It’s like living in a lecture hall. He’s incredibly intelligent but he dominates everything. His hobbies rule, his voice, his personality. There’s no space for me and I’m drowning. I’m exhausted by it and it’s really impacting my self esteem and self confidence. He works hard and does lots but I’m just sick of it all always being about him. He knows everything about everything. Everything. Talk about tennis, he knows it all. Talk about clouds, here comes the ultimate information about how clouds are formed and on and on…it’s like I’m invisible and it’s impossible to compete. He never asks me about me. He’s not interested in hanging out with me doing something mundane. It’s got to be him imparting his wisdom all the time. Has anyone else got this? I’m not sure he always used to be this bad but since we’ve had kids he’s gone into overdrive and it feels like a constant competition. Why can’t the weekends just be slobbing around having a bbq. It’s like he’s got to teach constantly. I don’t know how to overcome this or if it’s normal?

How old are you? Not saying to divorce him today, but life's too short to be living like this at any age.

This is why I'm glad to be 58 and single. It sounds unbearable to live with and he's told you he doesn't care about his impact on you or other people. So start planning your get out. You only have one life.

‘Do you know what the word ‘didactic’ means, DH?’

that might shut him up for five seconds.

Every time he starts up, tell him to stop ruining your day. If he gets annoyed, tell him you're just living your life, and if he doesn't like it, he's free to go fuck himself.

I have no time for pompous arseholes.

Me too! I’m done with relationships because after a while I just get so sick of all the crap that a man (and I really like men so not man bashing as such) dumps on you with their bad behaviour. I’m a ‘Boomer’, not in a relationship (by choice) and love it. I have my grown children, my dog and my friends and the feeling of no longer being ‘trapped’ in a toxic or unhappy domestic situation is absolutely priceless. I have no intention of ever living with anyone ever again. Don’t be afraid to be single OP it is freedom at its best.

Has he always been like this?

It is arrogance - does he respect you or have contempt for you?

Tells you everything you need to know.

Alternatively, keep telling him how tiresome it is and no one cares about him spouting off constantly and maybe he'll move out instead.

You're not too old to date if you want to.

What were your interests and hobbies before he ground you down?

Is he in his 60s? I'm that age and I notice men of that age seem to need to impress with their profound knowledge (I've had something I explained to my neighbour explained back to me) and I presume they are trying to hang on to their masculine prowess. Rather than accept ageing.

But what's stopping you taking up sport/ art/ choir???

I think I'd leave. I hate nothing more than being talked at. It makes you feel non-existent.

You will find your confidence again once you meet people who listen to you.

If I were you I would honestly jump ship and make a new life for yourself. If you don't feel up to that, start making a life for yourself. Go to assertiveness training classes, take up some hobbies, start weight training - it does wonders for your self confidence, do some volunteering in the community, start spending time out of the house most evenings with other people.

A great tip when people monologue at you is to quickly say, 'Oh hang on! I just need to...' or 'Two seconds!' then walk out of the room. Don't explain what you needed to do. Go to a quiet place and sit there for a while. Take as long as you need.

If he sulks, ignore it.

But most important of all is to start building a life for yourself outside the marriage, without explanation or apology. Just do it.

I think you are enabling him by not wanting him to sulk. You are definitely not being unreasonable.
Once he starts you need to walk away, put headphones on, yawn, or pointing out. EVERY TIME. If he decides to sulk about it you remind him if he's unhappy he can move out!
Also find a club or group and just go! Imagine what you would do if he died. What would single you be doing. And do it. He will be surprised. Probably feel left out as you are not giving him all the attention. Tell him he's boring!

Get an iPhone with earphones and listen to audiobooks. I fill a lot of time with these and your hands are free to do whatever.

I’ve tried those things @Ferngreen but ultimately I don’t want to have to leave my house constantly. I want peace of mind and happiness in my own house.

You don't need a boyfriend but you need to be happy.

How come you are in his company so much?

That’s what I need - people who listen to me and actually want to spend time with me! I want that from a partner. He just seems to not be interested. Probably because he’s too interested in himself and his own ego

@pixie5121 i recognise everything you’ve written. What happened? Also, how old was he?

@blueagain I bet socially he doesn't actually do much off his own back- that's why you are in his company so much-I'm married to someone rather like this too- I actually think the problem is they cant actually be arsed to meet with anyone not on their level and hence most friends are colleagues and acquaintances and not local. They then use you as a counsellor/sounding board, company and general beholder to their smart arsedness. My H was always a little bossy and controlling but once over 50 it got significantly worse.

He’s a narcissist and won’t change

I'd call his bluff there. Take the pompous twat and his word and do that. Would it not be liberating? He wouldn't be expecting it either.

"I don’t really have any other life outside of my marriage and at my age no idea how to get one"

May I suggest you work on rectifying that as a priority as it's really not very healthy. It's left you vulnerable, in a sense that your self-esteem and confidence are entirely wrapped around his treatment of you.

What's your work situation?
How old are your children?
In an ideal world, what hobbies would you have, what things would you learn? etc

OP, you have a choice. This house, husband and life, or to forge a new path. Work on what's stopping you making that choice or accept this one. But it is your choice.

@MangoBiscuit

This! Perfect response! 👌🏻