Full of himself DH

[blueagain]

I’m really struggling in my long marriage and could use some advice please. I’m starting to really dislike him. He’s in “instructor” mode or “dominator” mode constantly. All I hear all day long is his voice instructing/teaching/preaching. It’s like living in a lecture hall. He’s incredibly intelligent but he dominates everything. His hobbies rule, his voice, his personality. There’s no space for me and I’m drowning. I’m exhausted by it and it’s really impacting my self esteem and self confidence. He works hard and does lots but I’m just sick of it all always being about him. He knows everything about everything. Everything. Talk about tennis, he knows it all. Talk about clouds, here comes the ultimate information about how clouds are formed and on and on…it’s like I’m invisible and it’s impossible to compete. He never asks me about me. He’s not interested in hanging out with me doing something mundane. It’s got to be him imparting his wisdom all the time. Has anyone else got this? I’m not sure he always used to be this bad but since we’ve had kids he’s gone into overdrive and it feels like a constant competition. Why can’t the weekends just be slobbing around having a bbq. It’s like he’s got to teach constantly. I don’t know how to overcome this or if it’s normal?

You dare because you are supposed to be equal partners in a relationship.

Anyway, let him have a childish sulk, and if he says you are ruining his day tell him "Well fucking good, because you've already ruined mine with your arsehole behaviour, you cunt".

I was married to a man like your husband for 25 years. One day ai said 'enough is enough'. I filed for divorce much to his surprise.

@blueagain have you ruled out autism, or the “high functioning” term people used to use was Aspergers, ADHD, depression, early onset dementia or any combination thereof?

Well if you don't want to split up and you want to stay in the house then just ignore him, blank him if he starts wittering on or wear headphones.

Or nod with a wry smile and say 'Yes dear!' and go about your business.

He can only hector you if you are a willing and captive audience.

I’m too old for boyfriends sadly

My widowed 97yr old Grandmother had a "man friend" until hd passed away a couple of years ago.

You are never too old.

He may or may not have any of those things (although in my view he is just a big-headed smartarse), but that doesn't mean the OP has to suffer the consequences.

God, he sounds awful. You really can't live like this. Me and my DH are old and he has many irritating faults, and is superior in knowledge in every single way, but you'd never know it. No one would. He's so modest and self deprecating.

I knew someone like this once. He was awful. He could never ever be wrong, he always knew everything and was always right.
Once we were out for a meal and he had meatballs and said try these beef meatballs, they're delicious. I tasted a bit and said... there might be some beef in them, but a lot of pork. He was astounded, how dare I disagree with him! He said 'absolutely not'.
I cook a lot and knew I was right but he insisted on calling the chef out to (in his head) confirm they were beef meatballs and prove I was wrong.
The chef said.... they are 70% pork 30% beef.
Well.... he just could not cope with being wrong, and spent the rest of the evening sulking and being generally obnoxious.

OP... you can't live your life like this, you really can't.

(sorry for meatball ramble!)

Any discussion that makes him feel in anyway uncomfortable is “ruining his day” how dare I?

then write it down and give to him in the evening, add in that it’s unfair to sulk but if that is his choice of how to behave there isn’t anything you can do to control that. You can only try and address the problem - which is you feel constantly sidelined and it’s the MrBluesgain show

That sounds awful @blueagain he doesn’t sound like any kind of company. Maybe try to develop interests away from him.

I’ve raised it and get told he’s living his life and if I don’t like it then I’m free to move out
I know what I'd do in that situation - he sounds a massive bore and man child. Have you considered moving out? Alternatively if you feel that is impossible why not do something for you - language class, book club, knitting club, online art class - anything!

if you do write to him, tell him what you would like him to do and behave rather than telling him completely all he’s doing wrong in your eyes

@chisanunian you’re absolutely right but if OP feels trapped some specialist therapists can often give helpful advice on how to communicate in a style less likely to induce a sulk or nasty retort. Not everyone knows that these services are available nowadays, online in many cases.

Whilst I think that’s worth a try, @pixie5121 makes an excellent point too. If someone cannot engage in a healthy way and you’ve done your best to help it’s the right decision to leave. Being neurodivergent doesn’t = being bad at relationships but it certainly can lead to miscommunications.

For clarity, I should make it clear that my asking if those conditions have been ruled out is not a suggestion that I think OP should simply suck it up. I think it sounds really miserable!

You can be free of this, but it is going to ask you to do things that are going to feel hard, if not impossible, at times. They are not impossible, though; and things can change.

It's time to take charge of your life and what you want. You will never get what you want from him, so the bad news - and the very, very good news - is that you are "it".

Because he's her husband?

How old is too old for boyfriends OP? The 60 something dating scene is alive and kicking!

Plus it's not a choice between marriage or boyfriends, there are many happy single people who have escaped from marriages like yours later in life. Join any club, hobby , evening class or meet up group and you'll find it predominantly made up of single women, usually older and in the same boat.

How old are you, OP? Do you work? If not that would be my priority, no matter what age I was.

You are not going to change him. I doubt you really exist for him, actually - you're just someone to hear him talk.

Tell him tough, he's been ruining your day. And if he doesn't like it then he's free to move out

He might be on the autistic spectrum (we call it ‘monologuing’ in our house as we have two people on the spectrum). It doesn’t mean you have to put up with it though. Even my son knows that he can’t monologue at people because it is tedious for them.

My step mum was dating in her 70's. It's never to late to upgrade from arsehole 4.0 to normal human 1.0. Your kids will thank you for sure.

Record him speaking for hours and hours without him knowing you are doing it. Then play it back, for hours and hours and say this. is. what. you. sound. like

Upload his monologue/s on a You Tube channel. 'Mike's thoughts and wisdom on life' today we feature: tennis, the weather and the ins and outs of a gnats backside.

That will really stoke his ego ! You cold name the channel Mike's living his best life. (While his wife is considering divorce.)

How are his social skills generally? Does he do this with everyone? Does he have outside friendships and hobbies?

Does he have other habits or approaches that tend to put people off or are seen as anti-social?

How would you rate his social skills overall?

I’m too old for boyfriends sadly

You really aren't.
My mum was 62 when my dad died. She met someone else a few years later. She's been happy for the last 10 years with her boyfriend. She's 74 now

My father in law is a bit like this, and he's got a really loud voice too so talks over everyone. It's left his wife with no confidence about her own knowledge on things. She just says "oh, I know nothing about THAT!" and roll her eyes if you ask her opinion on stuff. They're over 70 but he's been like that since I met him 25 years ago. I remember DH (then boyfriend) saying to me when we first went out "My Dad knows everything. He reads a lot, and just knows stuff about so many things." He seemed quite proud of him being like that. But after a while I realised that his dad liked to do the "imparting his knowledge" thing, but quite often he was wrong with what he was saying. Factually wrong. DH didn't see it at first but now he realises that on some subjects he knows more than his dad, and sees that his dad just says things which are plain wrong sometimes. Sometimes he will try to correct him in a subtle way, and then his dad will say "Oh yes, and......" as if he's agreeing with him and knew it all along. He just won't admit he's wrong.

As he's getting older, DH is getting a bit like him. Difference is, I just tell him outright that he's wrong in what he's saying and he should look it up and he'll see. Easy enough to do nowadays with the internet. Of course, MIL won't look stuff up on the internet because she "knows nothings about THAT!"