Full of himself DH

[blueagain]

I’m really struggling in my long marriage and could use some advice please. I’m starting to really dislike him. He’s in “instructor” mode or “dominator” mode constantly. All I hear all day long is his voice instructing/teaching/preaching. It’s like living in a lecture hall. He’s incredibly intelligent but he dominates everything. His hobbies rule, his voice, his personality. There’s no space for me and I’m drowning. I’m exhausted by it and it’s really impacting my self esteem and self confidence. He works hard and does lots but I’m just sick of it all always being about him. He knows everything about everything. Everything. Talk about tennis, he knows it all. Talk about clouds, here comes the ultimate information about how clouds are formed and on and on…it’s like I’m invisible and it’s impossible to compete. He never asks me about me. He’s not interested in hanging out with me doing something mundane. It’s got to be him imparting his wisdom all the time. Has anyone else got this? I’m not sure he always used to be this bad but since we’ve had kids he’s gone into overdrive and it feels like a constant competition. Why can’t the weekends just be slobbing around having a bbq. It’s like he’s got to teach constantly. I don’t know how to overcome this or if it’s normal?

Is your DH my EX?

I had a 7 year relationship with someone who sounds identical. I was so bored of his voice going on and on to me and anyone else he could pass on his wisdom to. I caught my DS impersonating him - basically telling a story about traffic lights, it was funny but very true and realised my own DC (grown up children) all viewed him. I was attracted to him after losing my dad and the end of a 28 year relationship too, I realise I saw similar qualities in him that I did in my dad, but my dad actually did know what he was talking about and he was 30 years older than him. Once realising the relationship wasn't equal and he only had respect from himself I ended it. So much happier now, good luck with resolving this.

Oh gosh, this is my ex DH to a T. The endless monologues and self importance, the need to educate everyone else and pontificate on his greatness! Absolutely energy sucking.

I left him when my kids where small and had the dubious pleasure of his company at DS' recent graduation. He hadn't changed, if anything it's worse than before. I smiled and nodded and thanked my lucky stars I left when I did.

He didn't stay for our celebratory meal (that's a whole other thread) but DS sat down, took a sip of beer and said "what the fuck is wrong with Dad?"!! which made me chuckle and obviously his braying has not gone unnoticed over the years!

I think some of these men genuinely do not understand how to have a conversation. They think it's either about imparting knowledge or finding out information. There's no ability to just enjoy chatting and cover all kinds of topics. My ex would get angry if I 'changed the topic'....like...that's how conversation works! You talk about a thing and move onto another thing, and if you end up talking about something boring, you just move it along. My ex would say I was boring, bad at conversation and didn't know how to talk, which is hilarious to me, because I am always told I'm good company and make other people feel important and listened to

This sounds exactly like my DH since he hit his mid-50s and its getting worse now he's mid-60s. Complete inability to hold a 2-way conversation. If I try to put an opposing/alternative point of view, he just gets louder and bellows over me. Its fucking annoying to the point I go lock myself in the bathroom. Its a million times worse when he's had a drink too. I'd love to just have a gentle chat instead I get bloody Brian Blessed in my face.

How old are you both? Are your children at home? Do you both work? The variables make a difference as to whether it’s practical to try to stay whilst building a life and friendships for yourself or whether to go. Financial issues can also make the decision, and it would be foolish to pretend otherwise. You sound worn down and miserable and he doesn’t sound motivated to change, and he sounds angry. I’ve got a stubborn old chap at home who has grown more so since retiring; is that the case here? You could get some therapy for yourself in order to both have one place where you are heard fully and to help you make some key decisions. All kinds of marital arrangements work, OP, but only if they work for you.

@blueagain he sounds very difficult to live with. I’d be fantasising about doing exactly as per his suggestion and moving out indeed . Sorry you are going through this. Maybe do your own thing, arrange lots of meet ups with friends, a new hobby you’ve always fancied. Just get on with living you life and filling it with things you enjoy if you don’t feel strong enough to make a more permanent change?

Would you genuinely rather be living this life where you're unhappy but together than be apart and happy? Things will be different, but at least you won't have to live with an insufferable bore.

“taking a shit in my ears” - wonderful

Your husband is a narcissist. I had one just like him, spent 25 years with him and finally last year, worked up a courage to leave. When reading your OP I felt that nauseating feeling in the pit of my stomach that I had around my husband for years. I know exactly how you feel, and I know how exhausting it can get to be around him. They suck up all the oxygen, don't they, it is like there is no air left to breathe. They drain all your life energy. I am sorry OP, I really am but the only way to solve this is to leave.

You're married to the Mansplainer 5000. Whether he's autistic or not is totally irrelevant. A label is not going to make him any easier to bear.

You're not too old to have a boyfriend. You're an adult human being, you can go after whatever you want, and if that's a new partner why not? Just make a new partner is what you want and not because it's what you know. It sounds like what you want most right now is peace and quiet. The local lawyers will be open for business on Monday...

My Dad is 73 and has just got a gf. You're never too old op, and life is too short to live like this

I have a severe mental health disability (bipolar etc) by the way @blueagain , and I live by myself happily. It's probably better than living with someone, definitely than living with someone unpleasant.

If I need help I just contact services.

@Only4You I didn’t say she had to live like that. I asked the question. I also asked about dementia.

Why? Because OP expressed a resistance to leaving, so she needs ideas for ways to mitigate circumstances.

There are lots of online resources and specialist therapists who work with spouses of difficult people. It’s a common problem. ADHD & autism websites have masses of tips on communicating across the Neurodivergent gap.

Every person is an individual and these may or may not work…at that time OP may feel differently about leaving.

Asking questions is very different to giving instructions. Every individual must make a choice on their own but I hear from most family members of patients that they do want to try to salvage relationships before abandoning them.

It’s easy to write people off immediately as unable to change. I’m a psychiatrist so I am biased in this regard; I think it’s unique to the spouse whether he can change or improve or not. I do not feel that OP only benefits from exclusively “leave him” responses. Your opinion may differ and that’s just fine.

OMG this was my father. This is how I remember growing up. He went on at home, visiting anyone, going anywhere. I can remember dying of embarrassment in restaurants, relative’s houses and so on. As an adult I went NC but I heard from someone that at my mother’s funeral he was even spouting that a hearse wasn’t a necessity, he’d asked the funeral directors if they just had a van they could take her to the crem in. And the way he spoke about the way my grandmother when she died scarred me as a child. He deeply hurt my lovely uncle with his awful comments, I never forgave him for that.
Please get a life outside your home, a job, voluntary work, hobbies, clubs, friends. If you can leave, do. He sounds awful.

@SaltBaesPonytail I think you are missing the part that, for that sort of support to be effective, the person who has ASD, ADHD etc.. need 1- to be diagnosed and 2- to recognise they are part of the problem.

No point getting info on how to live with someone with ASD if it’s only the NT spouse doing all the heavy lifting. Been there, done that. It does not work.

Btw it’s not that my opinion differ. It’s more than this is my experience and the one of lots of other NT spouses living with someone with ASD.

These tips from websites are all good until your are the NT spouse and end up feeling like it’s all your fault if communication doesn’t flow.
Its all good to have specialised counsellors (if you can find one!) if the ND spouse refuses to see there is an issue (which is the case for the Op btw. This guy will NOT recognise there is an issue).

Basically yes working together can work, but, as you will know very well from your job, ONLY if the ND person actually wants to see that 1- they are part of the problem (and a big part) and 2- they have decided to do something about it.
There’s nothing in the OP’s posts to suggest that.
it’s also disingenuous to assume that just the OP implementing those tips then all the issues can be sorted out or that, for that matter, she HAS TO try first because the ND spouse really want to make it work.

OP u said u don't have a life outside ur marriage, but it sounds like u don't have one within ur marriage either, so what do u have to lose? Start saving some money away, make some plans and start to enjoy life again. On ur own, on ur own terms and without the constant head burst. He clearly doesn't care about u, just himself so let him get on with it. Also honey, you are NEVER to
Old for
Anything! Believe me, enjoy the rest of your life as u see fit x x

@DishAndSpoonOnTheRun Yep, I'm saving that one for future use-- along with the old Arthur Daley expression to over sharers/unwelcome interrupters 'who threw you a biscuit'

@blueagain

Just wondering - can you ask friends back to your home, or is just too difficult with your OH being how he is?

@Only4You your mileage may vary but there are actually marriages that survive where the ND individual rejects both diagnosis & accountability. Yes, the emotional heavy lifting falls entirely on the shoulders of the NT spouse in these cases.

I’m not saying it’s what I would be happy with. I haven’t assumed anything about OP “having to” do anything. In my experience it tends to be women of my mother’s generation (70yrs +) who find this an acceptable solution. That’s up to them and I realise that their situations are probably very different to mine. I don’t judge them for not leaving, I simply offer resources and advice to increase day to day respite.

Every person is an individual. There is no one size fits all solution. I’m sorry you couldn’t make it work with your ND partner but I think you’ve made a number of assumptions based on my comments that aren’t actually things I’ve said.

I’ve tried those things @Ferngreen but ultimately I don’t want to have to leave my house constantly. I want peace of mind and happiness in my own house

Well how do you expect to achieve that if you're living with a pompous absolute bore?

You've had lots of advice. Absolutely nobody here is going to be able to give you a magical solution to make him STFU. He is who he is. So for you its either get up and make a life for yourself, or put up with this utter tedium for the rest of your life.

Get a hobby. Even 2 hobbies. You must like doing something? Then decide what you want your future life to look like after you've been doing that for a while. Do what a pp said - leave the room if he starts going on.

So what if he sulks?! If he sulks quietly them you're in luck. & if he says hes living his life & if you dont like it then leave, tell him actually No - YOU leave. But in any event bricks and mortar will be here long after you've gone, they aren't a reason to put up with a deeply unpleasant life.

Men like this are truly awful, and even worse when they have you sitting there as if they're the centre of your life and world. They look down their nose at you and see you as a nobody.

Without offering a professional diagnosis this sounds like your DH may have a strong Autistic trait. My mum has a similar trait - long self-centred monologues, very insensitive to others, denial of any issues, quite a 'lone ranger' etc - that I've come to realise is almost certainly ASC. Of course schools back in the 50's & 60's didn't understand or diagnose ASC, especially for girls, but recently, after another diagnosis in our family, I realised mum was almost certainly autistic. I doubt she'll ever take a test at her age, but it was actually very healing to realise this incredibly frustrating trait - which contributed to her marriage breakdown - wasn't really her fault but also not going to change...so we can stop trying to change her or seeking too much validation from her.

Could a 'mental note' of your DH's ASC be helpful? You could do the Baron Cohen test on his behalf as a guide. Maybe it could help you to heal - not seeking self-worth by getting attention that he simply cannot give you but building a life that works around that.