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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Full of himself DH

173 replies

blueagain · 14/05/2022 12:36

I’m really struggling in my long marriage and could use some advice please. I’m starting to really dislike him. He’s in “instructor” mode or “dominator” mode constantly. All I hear all day long is his voice instructing/teaching/preaching. It’s like living in a lecture hall. He’s incredibly intelligent but he dominates everything. His hobbies rule, his voice, his personality. There’s no space for me and I’m drowning. I’m exhausted by it and it’s really impacting my self esteem and self confidence. He works hard and does lots but I’m just sick of it all always being about him. He knows everything about everything. Everything. Talk about tennis, he knows it all. Talk about clouds, here comes the ultimate information about how clouds are formed and on and on…it’s like I’m invisible and it’s impossible to compete. He never asks me about me. He’s not interested in hanging out with me doing something mundane. It’s got to be him imparting his wisdom all the time. Has anyone else got this? I’m not sure he always used to be this bad but since we’ve had kids he’s gone into overdrive and it feels like a constant competition. Why can’t the weekends just be slobbing around having a bbq. It’s like he’s got to teach constantly. I don’t know how to overcome this or if it’s normal?

OP posts:
Only4You · 14/05/2022 16:43

blueagain · 14/05/2022 12:52

I’ve raised it and get told he’s living his life and if I don’t like it then I’m free to move out

Well then he has just told you exactly what he thinks. That you are there to be the recipient of his teachings, a happy one at that and nothing else.
If you dare move out if line, then you are out because he doesn’t care about you.

:(:(

You are not going to change him.

EmilyBolton · 14/05/2022 16:44

DenholmElliot · 14/05/2022 12:47

You need to tell him! Next time he starts say "for gods sake roger, your turning into a right bore - do some listening and
Engaging with the other person in the conversation otherwise it just feels like your taking a shit in my ears"!

Seriously, tell him

Love the expression “taking a shit in my ears”…need to remember that🤣

Notaneffingcockerspaniel · 14/05/2022 16:44

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This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

mbosnz · 14/05/2022 16:49

I'd take to calling him Giles. . .

Only4You · 14/05/2022 16:49

SaltBaesPonytail · 14/05/2022 13:48

@blueagain have you ruled out autism, or the “high functioning” term people used to use was Aspergers, ADHD, depression, early onset dementia or any combination thereof?

Sorry but even if this man has ADHD, is in the spectrum or whatever, it doesn’t mean that the OP has to live like that.

Ahe has needs and her needs aren’t met by the very person who was supposed to support her. Regardless of the explanation/reason, she is also entitled to be (feeling) cared for by her husband, to talk about herself and to highlight what is not working for her.

And knowing that one has ADHD, is in the spectrum doesn’t suddenly open a tool box full of possible ways to solving the issue and make everything ok either.

pixie5121 · 14/05/2022 16:54

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nonevernotever · 14/05/2022 17:04

My dad used to do this. we called it world expert syndrome. He genuinely was a world expert in a couple of very niche areas but it translated into him being world expert on everything. To the extent that he would phone me after I'd finished work for the day to tell me all about my job based on what he'd read in the paper However he had a redeeming sense of humour and he genuinely cared how mum and the rest of us felt so it didn't become a huge problem. Your situation sounds unbearable.

notagamer · 14/05/2022 17:08

Adhd , autism - whatever.

it could explain for some of it. Not all of it.

in any event, who cares. He’s an arse to live with and life is too short

AcrossthePond55 · 14/05/2022 17:12

You know, it's better to be alone than to be wishing you were. I'd rather sit alone in a 1 bedroom flat in peace than listen to his blustering and preaching in a 50 room mansion.

Have you thought of leaving? I mean actually sat down and devised a plan, considered all the aspects & finances? Sought legal advice? Talked to your children, if they're adults and would support you emotionally and assist you in breaking free?

The problem with bloviators like that is that they can wear us down, put us in a state of 'inertia' simply because we're so emotionally drained and tired of hearing their shit.

As far as building a new life or social circle, he probably doesn't want you to do that since you're his 'captive audience'. Another reason to leave so you can go to church (if you're religious), join WI or other clubs, all ways to broaden one's circle and make friends. But do you have any old friends that you no longer really speak to? If so, consider reconnecting with them. All easier to do without him around, of course.

If I were you, I'd be gone. Life is too short and too precious. And we only get one go round on this Earth so we need to do all we can to enjoy it. I'm assuming that, like me, you're of a 'certain age' and possibly DH is retired. That makes it harder to break free, but not impossible.

If you just can't get out for whatever reason, then buy yourself a pair of ear buds and keep them in your ears. When he starts, turn on some music or a podcast. And avoid asking him questions or giving your opinions since that will just start his motormouth.

Frankly, it'd be easier to leave.

collieresponder88 · 14/05/2022 17:17

That sounds really horrible.

collieresponder88 · 14/05/2022 17:17

For you I mean !

kateandme · 14/05/2022 17:23

EmilyBolton · 14/05/2022 16:44

Love the expression “taking a shit in my ears”…need to remember that🤣

Yes! I am doing that thiñg where you try and figure out how I'm going to on point to say this to at least 10 people in my life😁

kateandme · 14/05/2022 17:27

Op could you start them from the way of getting some good in your life.if u don't feel able to do the whole leave thing.then creep out of this horrible smog your stuck in.check out the outside world.could it be worse than how your currently doing?and what if you found yourself.what if u can see through finally and find your stronger,better and more able than you think.and actually life could be way better.
If not fine but at least you've tried to find happiness.
Don't stay like this.not wheb his reaction to you was what it was.this isn't a smart ads who u can then deal,heal be supported to work on this together.this is a man that told you to bloody leave.FUCK IT

HelenHywater · 14/05/2022 17:28

It isn't a symptom of autism to be a pompous boring self-absorbed arse.

OP, I suspect your confidence would return if you weren't with this man anymore. As someone who did leave a long marriage, I can confirm that there is a much better life out there. It isn't the life you thought you'd be living, but it's a million times better.

SunshineCake · 14/05/2022 17:29

blueagain · 14/05/2022 12:51

Ah I can’t tell him. Tried that. He goes into full on little boy sulk. Any discussion that makes him feel in anyway uncomfortable is “ruining his day” how dare I?

Tell him.
Ignore the sulking Hmm.
Walk away.
Build your own life or make this one fuller.
Be consistent telling him to pack it in.
Remind him their is a reason man has one mouth and two ears.

LightSpeeds · 14/05/2022 17:31

blueagain · 14/05/2022 12:52

I’ve raised it and get told he’s living his life and if I don’t like it then I’m free to move out

It sounds like he couldn't give a toss about you or your feelings...

newtb · 14/05/2022 17:34

OP, I'm 66 and left my XH after 40 years and am now divorced. I got 'liked' on a dating site by someone of 75 the other day. Life isn't over until you stop breathing and I could if like m'y dm have another 30 years.

lameasahorse · 14/05/2022 17:38

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lameasahorse · 14/05/2022 17:39

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Idontgiveashitanymore · 14/05/2022 17:50

Empty your bank account and move out

me4real · 14/05/2022 17:58

Often this sort of stuff is to try and compensate for something (which isn't an excuse at all for narcissism or whatever you want to call it.)

Small knob?

I think you'd be happier if you separated from him @blueagain .

I can assure you it's very peaceful and relaxing, and I'm not lonely at all.

Think of any friends you might've gradually lost touch with, and get back in touch. I also did the Freedom Programme freedomprogramme.co.uk/ who are lovely, and made a good friend through there. There are all sorts of things you could look into.

BemoreDerek · 14/05/2022 18:05

I know the thought of it is terrifying OP but you really do need to start building a life of your own. It doesn't have to be quick, baby steps are fine but you need two things, more stuff to fill your time and get you out of the house, and to be working towards being able to leave. He sounds insufferable and everyone has a breaking point so you need to be ready for when you hit yours.

And in the meantime the busier you are the less you have to listen to him, I know you don't want to be driven away from your home but maybe you wouldn't mind so much just in the short term if you could find something you enjoyed. I realise it will take a major shift in mindset before you can even think about making some changes but please don't just dismiss the idea, it's not as impossible as it might feel.

And there are no painless solutions here, you can either start mentally separating from him with a view to actually separating, or you have to put up with his 'teaching' forever, neither option is easy. But it's not as though you have to jump straight into a life without him, you can do it gradually and your confidence will grow with each step until eventually you feel strong enough to move on. Please don't spend the rest of your life letting him 'shit in your ears' (best thing I've read on here for ages!), you deserve more than that.

Sunnierdays · 14/05/2022 18:07

Stop devaluing yourself !! Better to be alone than miserable as a couple !! Plus lots of people find companions later on in life ! You only live once enjoy your life ❤️

EmotionBot9to5 · 14/05/2022 18:07

It sounds torture. Like a pp, I'm a single parent and I just couldn't fathom having to put up with being bored and irritated like this, or feeling like i have to endure it.

He doesn't sound that intelligent. He sounds like he's no social or emotional intelligence and no idea how he's perceived. He cannot read the room.

People like that, they might be intelligent enough to tell you how quickly it takes the light to get from the sun to your back garden but if they've no social or emotional intelligence then they're not in anyway blessed in my book

lameasahorse · 14/05/2022 18:08

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