AIBU Would you be worried about this friendship?

[Lucyofthemichealcar]

Background:
Married for 11 years and together for 17.
H very outgoing, fun loving and flirty but never had concerns. Similar personality to me, so a bit of flirty banter is fine so long as we both respect the line.
Since married neither or us go out as much and since kids deffo not.
Both of us have male and female friends. Being friendly with a woman doesn't bother me but the dynamic between these two has always seemed different but cannot put finger on it.

H and his work friend.
I would say she definitely fits into my H's 'type'. They teach together. They are in different departments so it does not sound as if they speak every day or every week but they do seem to catch up face to face at lunch or over messenger if it has been a few weeks. She goes back to the US every summer and as far as I know they go weeks then with no communication so they are not always in each others pockets but it seems in the school they are very much viewed as a pair, so get paired up to chaperone school events and over the years they have organised several trips together as they both say if they are stuck with colleagues for a week it needs to be someone they get on with and like and apparently because they trust each other to organise and not mess things up when carting around 50 odd teenagers. Looked at messages from her when I was in the throes of pregnant paranoia and the chat is friendly but mundane. Not even flirtatious. She asks after me and H about her partner. The tone is how he talks to all his other friends. We have had her round for dinner and she has also done the same and we have went for drinks together. All very nice and above board. Done the odd favour like making us a whole load of meals when our kitchen was getting renovated and doing a food shop when we had covid or helping with looking after cat when we were away but I just can't shake a feeling she does it all to look good to H. She is very American and brings round baking, goes all out at christmas and since I have known her has always given me and the kids gifts (all our birthdays are in Late Nov/Dec so they are birthday/xmas gifts). Her and H also always exchange birthday gifts but they are stupid cheap items as part of a running joke from work. She seems keen to be friends with me too and suggested going for a wine or doing a gym class but as I said something always seems off and never felt entirely comfortable around her in the 9 years her and H have been friendly.
She has a BF of 12 years but they have never married and don't cohabit which seems strange.

Why am I concerned?
Aside from being pregnant and crying at the drop of a hat, what has made me question it all is that three weeks ago my H stayed at her house overnight. She got a phonecall at work to say her mum had passed back in the states. Her partner was away on business and she had a meltdown at work. H brought her back to ours but she said she wanted to be at home, pack and get the first flight home. H took her back to her place. He came back after dropping her off and asked me if I minded him staying to keep an eye but i think he had pretty much made up his mind while I said yes or not. He stayed the night in her spare room and then drove her to the airport at 3am. At the time I did feel like she could have reChed out to other friends but i suppose if that was me I would be all over the place too. She and her BF came by a few days ago with a restaurant voucher for the two of us to say thank you for being there for us. We have two kids and I am seven months pregnant with our third. Is it hormones or should I be worried?

H sensed I wasn't okay when he came back after dropping her off and I said how I felt and he said there was and never had been anything between them that I could check through messages etc if it put my mind at ease but I don't know. Have asked friends in the past and they have said it is a bit of an unusal one but probably because as a society we generally are uspicious of male female friendships unless they have been sustained through childhood and adolescence.

AIBU?

Op I don’t think you’re not nice, you’re just not used to male female close friendships and that’s ok. You don’t gel with her and that’s ok too. My only concern would be if you start to make demands of your husband about not seeing her as a friend/colleague.

from your description your husband sounds like he has no interest in her as anything other than a friend and colleague and regardless of what you believe her motives to be, it’s only his behaviour you need to be sure of and confident about. If you don’t trust your husband then it won’t matter who he is being friendly with you’ll always find an excuse. If it’s just your own lack of self esteem, envy at this woman’s responsibility free life compared to your family life etc then you just have to find a way to come to terms with it. If she’s trying to make an effort with you, she values you as a friend too. She’s trying hard and you’re not trusting her motives. It could be a cultural thing or it could be a you thing.

only you can fix this. Either you accept the friendship and/or get involved too or don’t. If you don’t you have to work out whether you want to be the controlling wife who says who their husband can be friends with or silently seethe about it and get on with life or leave him and find a hermit who only hangs out with other seriously hetero asexual males who are also asexual hermits.
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Get a bloody grip. Your DH sounds lovely. His pal sounds like she is trying but you just seem like you think the world should revolve around you. She is naturally nice and considerate. By the sounds of it you are not that is why you do not understand her and mistrust people like that. You probably don't show this side to your DH I bet because you know deep down it is ridiculous. By all means vent here and get the nonsense out your head.
Pay no attention to the kids at school, neither your DH or his friend can control that. Teenagers have always done stuff like that in school and as a teacher myself the dynamic on trips is different and I can assure you there is not once chance anything happened on a school bloody trip. Honestly. Another poster mentioned about her being round at their nan's and what your kids might feel.
I think that is them projecting and mis reading so don't jump on one person validating this mess. Your MIL stayed in her house she kindly offered your DH's friend a place to stay. That is simply reciprocating the favour something normal, cordial and polite adults do. She was in the area and dropped by once for tea, i'll bet it was likely your husband who encouraged her to drop by to. She has hardly become best pals with your MIL. As for your kids have they raised concerns? If they are old enough don't be a cow about her infront of them. It will pass on your unhealthy attitudes about male female relationships to them and an unjustified mistrust of their dad.
Get some counselling yourself though. There are clearly issues with your self esteem and confidence and rather than realise they are your issues you are trying to shift the blame to your H and his friend. In your OP you mention you are both flirty and outgoing. How have you actually coped with him behaving like that in the past? I have a feeling it was torture but you pretend it is fine. Get help because this bitterness will eat away at you and your relationship.

I find it extraordinary how many people on this thread are hypocritically berating the OP for her honest direct post about what it a pretty difficult and challenging situation that I highly doubt any of them would tolerate with alacrity. I think you must trust your own instincts and feelings as they are completely valid and justified and I hope this situation gets resolved somehow for you.

Hypercritical? My DH and I have mixed sex friendship groups and don't get jealous of 1 on 1 time. Some women on MN are so old fashioned, paranoid and a bit controlling. I find your views and that of OP really sad.

@Persuasion14 by all means OP can be honest and vent but there does not seem to be a situation other than the one she is building in her head. I do not think there is anything to tolerate as nothing is going on and what OP probably needs is people telling her that. Instincts are fine to a point but they can be influenced by childhood, personality etc and not necessarily accurate. If she is working through her feelings fine but if she is trying to get people to get behind her bitchiness then I'm sorry I for one won't. A PP mentioned there may be some jealousy on the fact this woman has less responsibilities than OP and I would be inclined to agree but her DH is hardly out living the high life with his friend while she is chained to the sink at home. From what she said over the course of 9 years they rarely socialise outside of work and when they have either OP has been involved too or her DH has been helping out. It really seems like a non issue that OP has built up in her head for whatever reason.

OP, trust your instincts. This woman is far too enmeshed in you and your husband's life.

I think the posts idolising her with how "bloody lovely," caring and wonderful she is just don't ring true as they also simultaneously seem to take an odd delight in telling the OP just how deluded, cold, controlling and "not very nice" she is. This is total bullshit. Get real. It's to do with investment of time and energies, and these need to be with the OP. Come on!

It’s not hypocritical because I’d be fine with it, and I am fine with my boyfriends female friends, one of whom recently stayed at his house when she visited from out of town. I wasn’t there, I left them to it to catch up!

Unnecessarily rude to someone who just lost their mother, and making it about her and her insecurities. Of course all the other 'pick mes' scramble to defend each-other. The irony of her questioning the friends relationship is...

This! Wow.

Agree @Adriannanneanne what does OP want? Her DH sitting in a room waiting on her permission to do anything? Some of these MN posters are so unrealistic that I truly wonder what the dynamics of their relationships are like.
OP said herself they rarely see each other out of work, DH actively keeps her in the loop, her DH gives her access to his messages and at every turn has kept her updated about their friendship. It doesn't sound like all his time and energy are going to this woman in the slightest. Has every waking hour to be solely dedicated to his wife and family? Come off it. I think it is a reasonable amount for any friend and were this a male friend, the time spent with them or helping them would be a non issue. His friend tries to be friends with OP, gave her gifts when she was pregnant to make up for her DH being away and to them as a couple when her H was the one that helped her after her mum died. I don't think this woman is enmeshed in the slightest she sounds grateful for friendship and help and aware her friend has a wife and is trying to make sure they are included.
OP has an issue with this woman but it is her issue not something her DH or his friend have done based on the info she has provided.

Y'all being pretty disingenuous here....the point is, as has just been said, this woman, angelic, generous and amazing as she is, is far too enmeshed and involved in the OP's life. This is fairly obvious. It seems odd to claim otherwise.

@Persuasion14 how is she enmeshed?

if she was so great why has her BF of 12 years not married her or living with her

How very "mean girl" of you, OP. You should probably try to get a grip of your hormones at the very least.

It sounds like nothing is going on between them and maybe they just get on very well. However, I wouldn't be comfortable with quite a few parts of what you've described. I'm a teacher and the students/parents saying what they are is very strange! They'd have to be spending ALOT of time together and not shutting anything down. And colleagues not shutting it down either. My students know I have a parter and I would never let there be rumours about me and another man. Yes children can make up rumours but it's very easy to nip them in the bud. If students/parents said what has been said to you about me to my husband, I would expect him to be upset. I also would not be comfortable with him staying at her house when her mum had died. I know others are fine with this sort of thing but if it was my husband I wouldn't be happy with it. So basically, I don't think anything is going on affair wise but I think your feelings are perfectly normal and you should tell him. You should be his priority. My husband takes priority over all of my friends.

She sounds kind & decent. Doesn't seem a threat to me?

"My MIL took her up on that once a few years ago and then reciprocated the offer if she was ever visiting Wales and she actually drop by their house for a cup of tea when she was in Wales which I felt was so forward and not needed."
This. Plain weird. And the fact that OP's husband is basically on speed dial. I do think it will get resolved naturally though as life gets much busier for OP and husband.

How is any of this bad or “enmeshed”? The MIL stayed in her house, invited her for coffee, she took up the invite, all sounds perfectly normal? If someone said ‘pop in for coffee if you’re nearby’ I would assume they meant it and do just that!

Apart from helping her when her mum died and driving her to the airport, there is no suggestion the husband ever hangs out with her in his free time, so it’s a stretch to say he’s swanning off with her leaving his wife at home!

In all honesty I would feel the same as you, it’s like her life is merging into you and your DH life. I would be really uncomfortable. I’m not sure I would know what to do though and I don’t have any advice other than to say I don’t think you are a horrible person at all for feeling like this, I would feel the same.

Didn't say bad, just enmeshed. Books, presents, vouchers, gifts. A gift has many faces does it not?

I would do this for my male colleagues who I know well and go on field trips with. It’s just friendship.
Your DH sounds great. I would be annoyed with my DH if he questioned why I drove a friend to the airport who needed an emergency flight as their parent had died.

Bloody hell. A gift has many faces? She has actively sought to be nice to her friend's wife and children and is now the scarlett woman.
OP have you told your DH you find the gifts a bit much? Have you thought she perhaps shows her gratefulness through money and gestures? She seems to be making more of an effort to be your friend that his actually. I don't think it has some malicious intent behind it but you are twisting it to seem that way. Did you use the voucher? Do you refuse the gifts? Give them to charity if they annoy you that much?
How often is she reaching out to your DH for help? Whoever said 'speed dial' needs to take a breath. He helped her when her mother died and her partner was out of town, it doesn't sound like a regular occurance or that she calls him at the drop of a hat. You said yourself they go weeks and months with little contact.
Your MIL sounds similar to how you have described your DH, outgoing friendly etc. The only reason your MIL and this woman have any contact is because you and your DH told her about the offer to stay. Who told your MIL about the house being free? You? DH? Likewise how did she find out she could visit when in Wales?
It all feels mountain out a molehill.

It sounds like a normal, warm, mutually-supportive friendship between two people who value one another to me. I think your idea that there’s something wrong with her because her boyfriend hasn’t married her is deeply unpleasant, and your idea that married men shouldn’t have female friends is quite weird — though admittedly far from unique on Mn, which is the only place I’ve ever encountered the notion that the proper code of behaviour is to retire all opposite-sex friendships once you start a relationship, because apparently there’s only room for one man/woman in each person’s life. In my actual life, people frown on flakes who ditch their longterm friends for a bf/gf.

Everything on here is projection and based on people's biases. It's sensible to question or be concerned about how much support will need to be forthcoming to someone else in your life when you already have a full house. The friendship hasn't stayed static, it is growing in intimacy gradually, at a time when OP's own family (and their) needs is growing. It's far easier to manage expectations now before letting someone get very reliant on you, and then letting them down. OP and her H's lives are changing with another child, friend's life is exactly the same - so of course, her expectation should be less reliance rather than more. And probably a good time to make other close friends so DH is not her only source of support. That logic applies irrespective of whether she is male or female. How can a married co-worker with 2-3 children and a wife be the only other support in this woman's life? I'm an only child and an expat and was single for ages and have always had more than one close friend to lean on...

And what rubbish that children don't notice dynamics - the fact they've noticed it in school is evidence of it. Whatever the friendship is, the minute it starts becoming gossip fodder and gets back to his family is when DH needs to manage it better. The example he sets to his children is that any gossip that can upset you or them will be swiftly dealt with. If this were gossip about him having gambling debts or being an alcoholic - i bet he would have something to say. How many mixed sex friendships have people openly gossiping about it being romantic anyway - can't fathom anyone gossiping about my friendships with other men. They're really not that interesting!

Are we honestly saying that no one would be even a little worried if work colleagues and strangers were gossiping about their partner regularly... surely not.

Point is OP you don't know this woman or her intentions and never will. Because you don't work with her and you don't need to become her best friend either. As long as your DH is not neglecting you or the children, it isn't an issue. But a marriage needs investment and quality time too especially with a new baby and I hope DH understands that.

It sounds like you have always been suspicious of her motives and this is now heightened by pregnancy hormones.

From what you’ve said, I don’t think there is anything dodgy going on. But you are uncomfortable with their level of friendship and this is something you are going to have to discuss with your husband. It may be important to try and work out what it is you are not happy with. Is she too familiar? Do you dislike her personality? Is she attractive and does this make you feel insecure? Is your husband too familiar with her (for your liking)? Does he make you feel less important when she is around?

If they have a friendship and it’s making you feel threatened and uncomfortable then you need to be open about why, because that feeling is not going away.