I think I am abusing my partner

[MotoCar]

My DP can be incredibly frustrating. I’m 8 months pregnant and he’s been great with helping me with day to day things but absolutely shit at anything to do with the baby. I said we need to get a car seat and he said he would ask at the local garage what they had in stock. He is just oblivious to what we need and that we need to be prepared. He’s not even booked provisional paternity leave!

the last few weeks I’ve got really angry with him. Called him a cunt repeatedly and asked him to leave the house many times when he’s slept in the car. He’s never really done anything wrong as such, it’s just terrifying me how he doesn’t seem able to do anytime practical for us. I can’t get my head around it and the fear takes over.

I know im being awful to him and need to stop. I’m just in a spiral now. Any advice very welcome. I’ve booked an appointment with a mental health midwife which isn’t until next week.

Yes you are abusing him. There is no doubt about it. And no he’s not to blame. I have no advice, being pregnant isn’t an excuse. His lack of proactivity isn’t an excuse. You are an abuser and he needs to leave you.

on a practical side, if you behave like this with him, how will you manage your frustrations with a baby, which is going to make it a million times harder?

@Ipadflowers it’s not really frustrations it’s things like he wanted me to go to a different midwife as it was a few miles closer and I had to explain I’ve had the same midwife all the way through and need her to be the same to birth.

it’s things that I really struggle to rationalise and forgive because he is not understanding that I’m pregnant and scared, I’ve not done this before and I need support. He doesn’t seem to get how I am feeling and lives in a cloud land of things will be fine. We don’t even have a pram. He’s been looking, apparently, for the last 7 weeks. I’ve suggested three in that time, no response.

You’re doing the right thing by getting some help but you do need to stop rationalising your behaviour in terms of his “faults”. His lack of practical skills is not a justification for abuse.

I won’t berate you for the abusive behaviour though as it may well be you need professional help.

Yes abuse really silly to call him names over stupid stuff as for the car seat couldn't you Google it and order it to be delivered and yes it's going to be so much more stressful with a newborn I have 7 children it's so hormonal and stressful maybe try to be more chilled out until you see the midwife then see how it goes I wish you luck

I really hope it’s hormones. I can get cross but I’ve never been like this.

im genuinely terrified we are not ready despite me trying to get things a sorted for weeks and he just doesn’t engage

Honestly, if you need things why can't you just buy without your partners approval?

Most prams have car seats attached that you take off to put in the car for the new born stages. Just choose what you like and buy it. Not excusing him, but many men are useless till the baby actually arrives.

Good luck with the midwife and the birth 💐

Sort the car seat and puschair yourself firstly if he isn't doing it, not sure why you've left that to him anyway. Car seat is most important as you'll need that to get home from hospital most likely.

And yes you can't keep kicking him out,thats abusive, which you know.

Has he got other kids? Otherwise he is same as you and hasn't done this before,and in all honesty thr mans life doesn't really change until the baby is born

@ToastedWaffle I could but he then says he wants to be involved.

I had hoped he would be so much better than this. I hoped he would want everything organised in the same way I have tried to do. He didn’t even understand that we needed bottles, he thought we would go with breast fed and then have no back up if it didn’t work. He just doesn’t get anything and I feel so alone.

@Lazypuppy I could but he then says he wants to be involved. So then I’ve waited for that. Maybe im being too sensitive about it. I just had this expectation that he would massively step up and be hugely excited and interested in all the things we would need etc.

Get yourself on Amazon right now and have a car seat and a pram delivered tomorrow. You don't need a committee to choose a pram.

@thebabynanny im surprised nobody else would be sensitive about this. I wanted his support with it all.

im clearly being sensitive. I’m usually wildly independent so I don’t understand my feelings anymore. My advice to a friend would also be to just buy it. I’m such a mess.

This is just a different approach though. I never bought bottles before the baby was born and to be honest I doubt my partner ever gave bottles a thought.

Tell him he needs to organise his stuff like the paternity leave, but things like bottles and prams that you have strong feelings on and he doesn't, just buy what you need.

It’s understandable that you’re feeling scared and are looking for support, I wonder if he is too? Alongside the appointment you have coming up, perhaps a session with a professional that eases you both through what to expect, how to navigate etc would help? Something like this perhaps www.shuniya-yoga.org/fertility-pregnancy-childbirth/

I wasn't that excited or interested and I was actually carrying the baby. He is not you. He can't behave exactly the way you want,when you want. He shouldn't get abuse for that. You need to accept he is his own person with thoughts and feelings, that aren't necessarily wrong. You need to let go, sort and do the stuff you want and get on with it.

Even if he was a really shitty partner, he doesn't deserve abuse for that, you should just leave him.

So then you sit down with him and a pen and paper and draw up a list of things you need pre birth so he can see what is needed.

Then you say, "I really wanted your opinion on prams and car seats since I'm.close to my due date and we need these things now. I was thinking if ordering this, what do you think?" And if he doesnt have much to say, then say "ok well I'll buy it anyway, it can't wait much longer"

Do the same with all the other stuff and that way he can't say you havent involved him. Bottles, nappies, baby grows, the lot.

You don't need bottles if you are going to breastfeed. If you want to change to formula you can then go to tesco or amazon to get bottles. Everything can be bought easily at 24hr supermarkets and amazon, you don't need much for when baby first arrives. And yes you are expecting too much from your partner imo

I’ve not done this before

Neither has he. How's he supposed to know about prams and bottles?

OP I'm not going to judge you or tell you what you need to do, but I want to highlight that in every post so far you continue to put the emphasis on where he has fallen short of your expectations. You say you know you need to stop but the first stage of that is probably accepting him that the fault doesn't lie with him. However, the mental health midwife will be best placed to comment.

You sound like you're excusing your abuse because your partner doesn't do what you want him to do or behave in a way that see fit. You should leave him. It's awful. Nobody deserves to be treated that way! Adding a child into it too is just going to ramp it up. Get help.

If this was a man doing this, you'd be told to run a mile and there would be uproar about it. It's abuse, and there isn't any excuse for it. I feel sorry for him.

You've come on here stating you think you're abusing your partner, then continue to make excuses for it and blame him.

It's fine to want support, it's not fine to call your partner a cunt and make them sleep in the car.

He isn't going to get involved with equipment buying, you need to sort shit out for this baby coming soon. It's sad but you'll end up with no pram or carseat otherwise.

Personally once the name calling starts its the slide to splitting up. You need to knock it off.

I’m just having visions of having the baby and having absolutely nothing ready. We don’t even have a cot. I feel overwhelmed and very alone.

im hearing what you’re all saying though. I think I need to be honest with the midwife as I’m not coping.

You're panicking and taking it on out him. It's not necessary to have some of the stuff you've mentioned. In fact, I shouted at my husband when he bought bottles and pre made milk as I thought it meant he thought I'd fail at breastfeeding!

Just order what you want, if he moans saying he wanted to be involved, say well I asked you and you didn't seem interested. Job done

That is abuse, pure and simple. Poor guy , he deserves better. He should show you the door.

You get to choose how you behave. If you want to buy the pram or the car seat yourself, you can. If you want to stop being abusive to him by forcing him to sleep in the car when you lose your temper, you can. People often find it hard to be organised when they don’t know where they’re sleeping from one day to the next.

I think it is totally unrealistic expecting your partner to be excited about any of this. Neither myself or DH were excited about buying all the stuff for first baby. Your partner is not you. What things is be good at? Hand those things over to him and you order what you want.