I think I am abusing my partner

[MotoCar]

My DP can be incredibly frustrating. I’m 8 months pregnant and he’s been great with helping me with day to day things but absolutely shit at anything to do with the baby. I said we need to get a car seat and he said he would ask at the local garage what they had in stock. He is just oblivious to what we need and that we need to be prepared. He’s not even booked provisional paternity leave!

the last few weeks I’ve got really angry with him. Called him a cunt repeatedly and asked him to leave the house many times when he’s slept in the car. He’s never really done anything wrong as such, it’s just terrifying me how he doesn’t seem able to do anytime practical for us. I can’t get my head around it and the fear takes over.

I know im being awful to him and need to stop. I’m just in a spiral now. Any advice very welcome. I’ve booked an appointment with a mental health midwife which isn’t until next week.

I think what you need is a Doula.

He cannot be all things to you. He is one person. He can’t be macho, yet sensitive, father like, kind, yet strong, a listening ear, a friend, a boyfriend, a shoulder to cry on, an expert on travel cots, a punching bag, a midwife, a birth expert, a counsellor, a decorator, a gynaecologist etc etc. you need several friends and family and even a hired professional to do all those things. He is just a man that knows less than you do about what is happening.

He cannot be all things, stop punishing him. I know it’s scary but you are going to the goats house for wool, he knows feck all about babies. Get some support for yourself! All the very best to you.

I have a couple of questions.. Do you have joint finance ? How will these utems be paid for?

Do an order tonight. Do a Boots, amazon or Smyths order .. all very easy.

Have you appologised- when i say appologised. I mean sorry i was wrong not but....

What were you like pre pregnancy?

Also i do not condone what you have done but there are perinatal Mh services for a reason. You may need to access them.

@Melsuleenia your response is quite frankly terrifying

@5thHelena

It's only terrifying from your perspective.

When you have experienced abuse it's actually quite terrifying from my POV that others cannot see it.

@Melsuleenia unsure you read the original OP correct? Or if you are just making your own version of events.

Even by admission, OP is being the abusive one here. Her DP is not being abusive by not knowing about baby things. This absolutely does not condone being forced to sleep out in the car multiple times, being unaware where he's going to sleep each evening due to OPs changing mood and being called names over and over.

You've basically condoned abuse, how can it not be terrifying.

@Melsuleenia I'm seriously struggling to understand the second sentence in your response

Hey OP, it's clear you are struggling and that's completely normal to feel scared and overwhelmed!

It's great that you can acknowledge you have acted wrong and want to change how you feel, so move on from your behaviour and try to make yourself feel better.

My DH was the same... I had to beg him to build the cot and wardrobe 🙄 but baby things just didn't excite him. Once baby arrived, he has been just amazing!! I think once they see the baby, it's more real for them.

You are probably going through the "nesting" phase so you want everything to be ready and perfect. Maybe explain this to him and see if he can just help out to make you feel more prepared.

But also, you will neverrr feel completely ready for the baby. It's a scary and overwhelming thing so it's great you are going to speak to someone. Just make sure you communicate to him as much as possible about how you are feeling and give him the chance to help.

I've read the pearl clutching responses above OP.

Bottom line. Your original post reads, 'Am I abusing my partner?'

That demonstrates a very clear attitude of self-reflection. That to my mind suggests something is going on. Far deaper than name calling.

That's not great OP but you don't need me to say that to you. Stop beating yourself up.

Ignore the above because I am. What do you feel? What is right for you and your baby right now? This instant. Forget everybody else (including me if you wish).

Focus on the two of you.

Another suggestion would be to hide this thread and reach out to real, life support.

All the best.

hi OP, I don't necessarily agree that once baby is born he will magically change as a PP suggests. He may do so, but many men don't improve whatsoever and can get worse! I don't want to scare you but equally you need to be prepared for that eventuality if it does happen. Fortunately you can speak to him now, see where he's at, and make your own plans. You have to be very self reliant with a baby (even with a partner) and it will help you if you can start being proactive yourself ordering things etc even if he says to leave it for the time being. use your own free will and independence.

@Melsuleenia not a single post of OPs suggests her partner is doing anything to provoke abuse.

You have a really strange way of trying to turn this

Suggesting her partner is provoking her rather than addressing the real issues is dangerous and very unhelpful

You recognise you need help and thats good. You sound terrified, make a list of what you need your dp to do and let him help. You are both learning, its scary and you are full of hormones.
Spend some time with him and just relax together, learn to relax and go easy on yourself.

This is new to both of you. Get the essentials, cot, car seat and pram, the rest can wait. Seriously, like others have said go on Amazon and get them delivered.

As for not wanting to change midwife as you want her at the birth, do not hang on that, things change, she may not be on shift, at the end of the day you will go to hospital, birthing unit or whatever and any of the midwives there can help.you.

As for calling him vile names and making him sleep in the car, you're on a slippery road to him leaving and yes it will be your fault. You cannot treat people like this, what on earth are you going to be like when you have no sleep, baby won't feed or settle. Not only to him but the baby too.

Would you excuse a man doing this to a woman if he was 'panicking?'
Throwing her out to sleep on the car and calling him a cunt?

This place gets more and more backwards each day.

OP, you're abusive. None of your excuses make you sound any better. Leave the poor bloke. Hopefully you won't have this much of a short fuse when your baby comes.

I've experienced abuse. OP does not suggest her partner does anything to provoke this, she is the abusive one. It's people like you who believe women cannot be abusive to men and if they are, the man must have done something so it's not abuse but retaliation.

Absolutely this.

Hi OP,
I'm glad you are seeking help for your mental health.
You recognise that your partner is good at some stuff (the day to day stuff you said) but is not everything you hoped with planning and buying for the baby. We all have our strengths and weaknesses.

From what you have said so far your partner sounds like he will be a depenable partner and father - you have lost it and kicked him out several times and he is still hanging on in there.

I don't remember involving my partner in buying decisions for the kids (I'm not saying that is right) but I know he wouldn't really care or have an opinion on any of it but I cared. So I googled, read reviews and bought what I wanted. My only consideration of him was not expecting him to have bubble gum pink accessories etc (we had boys anyway). I went for black pram/change bag as gender neutral and hardwearing.

I read lots of books about pregnancy and babies. I asked him to read them - he didn't read any of them. Never said no just "later". Not buying stuff and not reading books hasn't stopped him being a fully involved and caring father for 12 years now.

We live in a 24 hour society now and if you have bought nothing you can have everything within 24/48 hours either from the high street or online. It is your panic that you need to deal with or get help with. I think it is your panic and anxiety stopping you acting.

Maybe your partner could help if you explain I am too overwhelmed to actually order this stuff alone. Can we sit down this evening and place the orders. Tick off the items. But don't expect him to have an extensive knowlege and opinion on baby stuff. If you are overwhelmed with choice Argos tends to offer a sensible amount of choice at reasonable prices. For the consumables/clothes supermarkets are good.

I have always had a lot of patience with my small children - despite being able to get irritated with my partner and now older child (things like a battle to get off their phone etc). Try not to worry that you won't have patience with your child - it is a different relationship. If any problems arise you can seek the appropriate help.

Best wishes OP

Op I had been in hospital a month before our twins were born by emergency c section. It was a tricky pregnancy so I bought everything after they were born. You’ll be ok - it’s a steep learning curve for both of you. For me the fun but was shopping for the baby things I would have been annoyed if my husband wanted input! Just buy what you need and don’t wait for his input if he’s dragging his heels.

OP - I think you need to stop depending on him. He sounds like he is not very organised and a bit lazy. That doesn’t make him a bad person - it just means that if you want something done, you have to do it yourself. Once you reduce the expectation on him, you will feel a lot better. Basically, imagine you are doing this on your own - reach out to you family members or friends for advice and support. He might feel a bit pushed out, but he had his chance and if he steps up and is reliable, then you could always delegate things to him.

I think this will reduce some of the conflict. I have just had baby 3 with DH. He is a good father, but there are some things on my priority list that are not on his - so I just do them myself - no arguments/shouting. The only exception is things that I couldn’t physically do (eg due to pregnancy - like heavy lifting or look after baby when I was v sleep deprived after birth - only occasional). Then, I just reminded him several times, got things ready for the activity I wanted him to do (eg get screwdrivers out, read instructions for assembly). It’s annoying if he doesn’t pull his weight - but you do have a choice to have counselling or leave if it is a persistent problem (rather than the negative behaviours).

If you feel everything not ready then make it happen yourself. Dont blame others. You are abusing him. I wonder how you gonna do when the baby arrive. Its gonna be millions times harder with baby.

@Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious

I would invite you to not place words into my mouth. In point of fact, that is very highly suggestive.

In terms of abuse, male:female, it's actually even. It's just that both genders tend to abuse in different ways.

When you get a scenario as the OP has described where her partner is not supporting her during what must be arguably the biggest thing any human can go through...this whole matter looks like someone is not getting attention.

When the baby is born it will get even worse!

There is such a thing as perinatal depression. It is usually caused by an uncaring partner or lack of immediate family support.

OP came on here asking for help. Some of the responses are fair and balanced. The others' however are just in for the pile on.

OP, if you are reading then please stop on this board. This is the best advice I can give you.

@Melsuleenia honestly baffled and can't believe some of your responses here. You are making zero sense at all. Nothing in OPs posts state her partner is abusing her mentally or physically. Not knowing/not being as prepared as OP wants is NOT abuse.

None of your responses justify your post that her partner is provoking her actions. You're backtracking now and creating a narrative that OP has never said.

@willithappen

Again, putting words into my mouth.

I have not back tracked at all. Please provide examples.

Its wise to accuse when the evidence is there.

You really need to read 'Provocation, by HG Tudor.

I find it fascinating. If this was a reverse there would be absolute outrage.

What a vile thing to call anyone. It is not accepts OP no matter what your reasons. Learn to communicate better.

@Melsuleenia honestly 😂 how can you possibly accuse others of putting words into your mouth when it's LITERALLY the exact thing you have done here

Let's not dance around the bush and try cover up for your vile comment earlier. I'm putting zero words in your mouth, it's quite clearly here what you said in black and white.

I don't need to read anything thanks. I'm 100% confident that not knowing how to prepare for a baby does not equal abuse or any form of 'provoking' the OPs actions.