I think I am abusing my partner

[MotoCar]

My DP can be incredibly frustrating. I’m 8 months pregnant and he’s been great with helping me with day to day things but absolutely shit at anything to do with the baby. I said we need to get a car seat and he said he would ask at the local garage what they had in stock. He is just oblivious to what we need and that we need to be prepared. He’s not even booked provisional paternity leave!

the last few weeks I’ve got really angry with him. Called him a cunt repeatedly and asked him to leave the house many times when he’s slept in the car. He’s never really done anything wrong as such, it’s just terrifying me how he doesn’t seem able to do anytime practical for us. I can’t get my head around it and the fear takes over.

I know im being awful to him and need to stop. I’m just in a spiral now. Any advice very welcome. I’ve booked an appointment with a mental health midwife which isn’t until next week.

*capable enough

OP - I felt like you. Very independent, but pregnancy (& pregnancy complications) meant that I couldn't do things I'd have done normally (for example, moving furniture). I got so exasperated with my OH when he wouldn't get on with things I asked him to do - I felt that I was doing all I could and he really wasn't pulling his weight. It felt like this meant he didn't care and I was worried at how he would be when the baby arrived.

I didn't respond in the way you did but I did drive off to get away from him a few times because I felt like I couldn't stand to be near him.

Looking back I think I had ante-natal depression and anxiety. I wish I'd had help at the time, but it wasn't really offered and I didn't want to announce my problems unprompted. Don't be like me OP, get help.

Fwiw - he went to ante-natal classes with me, which helped. After the birth he really stepped up (which was good as I wasn't well for a few weeks after). This may be the same for you. Do you think it would help him to get to talk to other expectant dads?

I wish you all the best.

If you're going to quote me - at least quote me. I wasn't giving an excuse, more a voice of support through all the supposed angels in this thread who have nothing more constructive to say than make OP feel more of a piece of shit than she already feels.

Do you think shaming her will help? She's seeing the error of her ways and seeking support.

I think enough people have given you the answer re your title question so I won't add to that, however from the feelings you describe I wonder if you could be suffering from antenatal anxiety? I think you should confide in your midwife and ask them to signpost you for CBT. Pregnsbt women are fast tracked for CBT in my area as a vulnerable group. The odd flash of anger or anxious moment can be v normal in pregnancy due to hormones but what you describe is extreme and out of character from what you've said. Extreme rage or anger is also sign of PND so having therapy before baby could really help you for once baby is here too. Good luck x

@Rosiee1 I did quote you. I, and many other posters, have managed to give constructive advice without suggesting that OP's behaviour is in any way ok. She doesn't need to be shamed, but she doesn't need people telling her it'll all be ok either. It won't be ok until she behaves better.

As others have said op you are even talking the abusers language, following their script, which is he made me do it. It’s his fault. Nearly every post is telling us why he made you do it. If the genders were reversed and a man was doing this to his wife people would be telling her to call womens aid, get to a refuge and leave.

nothing justifies this man being repeatedly called a cunt and being thrown out, sleeping in his car. That’s horrific. He needs to leave and get help for himself.

the issue and concern I have is it may get worse when the baby arrives, so you need to seriously engage with mental health services, for your sake and your child’s. I think you also need to speak to your doctor urgently and be honest about the situation and what’s occuring.

To be honest OP, I feel for you.

My DP can be incredibly frustrating sounds like something you've got used to generally over the years, not just a recent development.

You're panicking and lashing out.

Without being pregnant, I have also experienced that "Oh SHIT!!!" feeling... like Road Runner who chases himself off a cliff and then flails mid-air, noticing the chasm below. I don't imagine the hormones of late pregnancy help when it comes to regulating your emotions on this kind of thing.

Are you a perfectionist generally, towards yourself? Are you used to being the one who takes care of everything, and now you're anxious he won't be able to step up when roles are reversed?

Are you scared of other people's judgement – your family, maybe, your parents? Do you want to live up to their ideals of parenthood?

There's no way of knowing how it will all turn out. Your DP might come up trumps! You'll have to wait and see! And if not, you can post another thread one day to sort that out.

But now, try not to panic. Just keep taking deep breaths and putting one foot in front of the other, and try to focus on your own well-being and that of the bab.

There is no rush to have the perfect life. No one's life is perfect. Just have the best life you can manage, right now, in the moment. The future isn't here yet, no need to deal with it or waste energy on it.

Sounds as if you're trying to punish him into changing. That won't work.

Glad you know that you need to get help, you are being incredibly unfair

Have you sat him down, calmly, and told him that you are scared?

Are you sure he's not feeling the same? He might be burying his head in the sand as his way of coping

is this really abuse? Like, I agree it’s not nice, and certainly your behaviour needs to pick up, but abuse? Do I think you are wielding power to systematically undermine, threaten and otherwise try and corral him into being whatever you want for whatever purpose you want? No…let’s not be so quick to throw around the abuse word because it minimises what many others have to deal with.

you’re pregnant, probably hormonal, probably freaking out and he’s possibly being a bit useless.
You’re being a cow, but most husbands would grit their teeth and do their best to understand that what’s going on with you is perhaps a bit much right now and try and be understanding.

im not justifying your behaviour you understand, you’re wrong to treat him this way, just that no, it’s not abusive. You need to stop taking out your hormones and stress on him. He also needs to pull his thumb out. But no, not abuse.

@Hiddenmnetter

is this really abuse?

Yes, repeatedly calling someone a "cunt" and throwing them out of the house to sleep in the car is abuse.

That’s my point, no it’s not @BadNomad. It’s not like she’s doing this because she is trying to control him. It’s acting out of hormonal rage (see above what people have said about pregnancy rage) and anxiety: I’m not saying it’s acceptable behaviour but it’s not abusive. All behaviour isn’t just “good behaviour” and “abusive”. There are other kinds of bad behaviour and OP doesn’t need to be told she’s an abuser.

Reverse this. Woman's husband calls her a cunt, useless, locks her out of her home and makes her sleep in the car. Gaslights her into thinking it's all her fault. She's useless, she drives me to it.

What would your advice be to her?

Hormones are no excuse. Presumably she doesn't do this to anyone else in her life. Which suggests a measure of control over herself.

Of course it's abusive! If her partner was jacked up on testosterone and doing the same to her, she'd be told to LTB. Hormones may explain her rage, but it doesn't excuse her or make it any less abusive. He's just an easy target because he is close by. I doubt she's going around cursing at other people.

Your behaviour is appalling and you have probably already dealt a terminal long-term blow to your relationship through your actions. There is a small chance you will reconcile over this, but only if you immediately and unreservedly apologise to your partner, seek professional help, and never so much as raise your voice to him again. People NEVER forget the way they are made to feel while being abused.

Inwas a very nervous first time mum
and I did some fairly bad things

the one things I’d say is you need to get some help to calm down
I had a psychotherapist recently and I wish I’d had him when I was pregnant

the calming breathing
it works
it really does

can you look into this and in the meantime apologise , profusely
and say you are scared , crazy scared and know it’s out of order

I wish I’d handled things better back then
but you don’t know what you don’t know

OP. I absolutely feel your pain. Pretty much ignore all of the above responses. They are awful. Terrible even.

It's SHAMEFUL he isn't stepping up. I'm guessing this is your first? That will make it for you even more bewildering.

At your stage, 8 months, you do have that need to 'feather the nest'. Get your little ducks in a row and be prepared. I totally understand. To be perfectly frank, calling him a cunt is the very least I would've done.

To practical. You have very little time and so act now. Right now.

Immediately talk to a very trusted female friend to ask them to be with you when you are in labour.

Kick him out or just leave yourself so that you can have peace and quiet during your final month. Is there anyone you can stay with? Parents?

Equipment. It will come. Absolutely. You'll be surprised how generous good people can be.

Midwife. You must absolutely must tell them.

Have you money? If so, engage a Doula.

I have a good feeling about you. All will be OK.

Congratulations 🎊 on your baby. You've come so far. You really have.

Could you be suffering from perinatal depression @MotoCar? I ask because I went through something similar but once baby was born. My PND manifested itself through extreme anger and frustration. My husband ended up being clinically depressed because of me. We almost split your. Please get help.

Split up*

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/postnatal-depression-and-perinatal-mental-health/postnatal-and-antenatal-depression/#SignsAndSymptomsOfPerinatalDepression

Perinatal anxiety- sounds like you fit the profile for this:

www.lewishamandgreenwich.nhs.uk/perinatal-depression/

What an extremely dangerous response this is. Would you say the same if the genders were reversed the other way?

No one 'provokes' action/abuse like this. Disgusting attitude.

P.S You are not abusing him. He is provoking you by the continual act of withdrawal

How to tell people you're abusive without actually saying it

Did I just read that ? Wrong on so many levels, it's frightening.

Calling your partner a cunt is vile, no excuses.

That is absolutely disgusting. Top level victim blaming.